Idiot's Guide to the NFL Draft, in Two Acts

We typically leave NFL draft coverage to one of the several thousand blogs dedicated to poking and prodding this year's herd of cattle, but our totally unbiased scouting department tipped us off to an outrageous iniquity that we felt compelled to address. And as a bonus to our readership, we continue to deliver fine whine about the Buffalo Bills. Consider this dual post our gift to you on this high holy day.

I once had to wear a Toronto Blue Jays cap for an entire softball season because I lost a bet. I'm prepared today to go one further. If Cam Newton is a better professional quarterback than Greg McElroy, I'll wear a Toronto Blue Jays cap for two entire softball seasons.

Ridiculous, you say? Probably. And certainly, on the face of it. But consider the following analysis:

The first syllable of McElroy's last name is a homophone for Mac. Newton stole a PC. Advantage: McElroy

McElroy's sister is a kind and gentle soul, gracious with fans of all shapes and sizes. Newton's father tried to sell him to the highest bidder. Advantage: McElroy.

Moving on to professional potential, a Google search for 'greg mcelroy tom brady' yields 44,300 hits. If you Google 'cam newton character issues', a whopping 331,000 hits are produced. Advantage: McElroy.

Most casual observers probably believe that Newton's statistics are far better than McElroy's. You all remember what Mark Twain said about statistics and lies, don't you? Let's take a look at the two signal-callers' 2010 passing stats. McElroy was 222-313 for 2987 yards, a 70.9% completion percentage, 20 TDs and 5 interceptions. Newton went 185-280 for 2854 yards, a 66.1% mark, 30 TDs and 7 picks. Since passing the football is clearly the method NFL coaches prefer their quarterbacks to employ to advance the ball, the advantage is as unequivocal as it might seem contrarian: McElroy.

McElroy led the Crimson Tide to a 24-3 mark in games he started. Newton's Blinn JC and Auburn teams were 25-1 in his starts. Advantage: McElroy, for learning how to lose gracefully while remaining a winner. Even the best NFL QBs will drop 4-5 games a year. Learning how to do so without losing focus is a critical skill.

In the brains department, it's really not even close. McElroy posted a Wonderlic score of 48, while Newton recorded a 21. Advantage: Newton. McElroy's score concerns most NFL coaches, who don't want players smarter than they are.

It'd be hard to find a more obvious example of the mainstream sports media completely missing the boat, unless you opened a newspaper and read about Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Jose Canseco, Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez, or, really, any Major League Baseball game played in the late 90s or early 2000s. Bookmark this page and remember to speak well of us in five years when McElroy's leading the Vikings to another NFC Championship game while Newton's fishing with JaMarcus Russell.

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The Bills were terrible against the run last year, just like the year before that. Everyone in the league knew this. Teams ran against the Bills 54.69% (clicks!) of the time. The league-wide average for percentage of running plays was 44.57%. Only two other teams were run on more than 50% of the time: Denver (51.40%) and Oakland (50.21%). I don't know if the respective 3.29% and 4.48% differences are statistically significant, but it's clear that everyone knowingly, purposely, and with malice aforethought skewed their offense towards the run when they played the Bills, more so than against anyone else in the league. In case you're curious, Pittsburgh had the lowest rushing rate against at 35.19% and the next-best team (Baltimore) was 39.18%. So the Steelers are the anti-Bills, which may explain why they played in the Super Bowl while Buffalo has the #3 pick in tonight's draft.

I've whined about Buddy Nix's drafting prowess before so it comes as no surprise that I expect him to do something terrible with said #3 pick. I would like them to trade down for a defensive lineman of NFL-starter quality and a pick in the mid-to-late-teens, and then use that mid-to-late teen pick to draft an NFL-starter quality offensive or defensive lineman, or a linebacker who will be more effective than a turnstile. My second choice would be for them to draft Nick Fairley at the #3 spot. My tertiary option would be Von Miller at #3. My quaternary option would be some other approach that fulfills their glaring run-stopping needs.

The Bills do not need to take a QB at #3. Ryan Fitzpatrick is not the future of the franchise, but they can get by with him for another year or two if they draft a QB in the second round and bring him along slowly. Nor do they need a RB as they already have Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller. So I used to think they would take Cam Newton, Blaine Gabbert, or Mark Ingram. But I found an even dumber pick for B-Nix to make, and I can practically guarantee he'll do it. AJ Green. In addition to their aforementioned run-stopping woes, they have no pass rush, a journeyman QB, a porous OL, a middling running game, and Stevie "Wonder" Johnson. It makes no sense whatsoever to draft a WR. So AJ Green is the pick.

Culture Up Your Ass Tuesday

Martin Mull once said, "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture." I'm a sucker for genius in all its manifold forms, but in keeping with Mr. Mull's advice, I'll let this video about dancing, architecture, and music speak for itself. Enjoy Yo Yo Ma and Lil Buck as they interpret "The Swan" by Camille Saint-Saens.

Champions League Semifinals Preview

We're heading into the final stretch of the Champions League, the time of the tournament when even the most casual of soccer fans should tune in to watch the most compelling club tournament in the world. Due to my limited (but growing!) depth of knowledge in the space, I will keep things simple.

First off, let's talk about the format. The "semis" consists of two-game series between clubs. Each side hosts a match. If there is a win for each side, or two ties, the first tiebreaker is aggregate goals. The second tiebreaker is most goals scored by an away team, meaning a team that ties 1-1 on the road and then ties 0-0 at home would advance. So an interesting item to watch in the first legs of these series are the goals scored by the away squad. The third tiebreaker would be a pair of 15-minute golden-goal overtime periods, and the last would be penalty kicks. (Editor's Note: Something equivalent to "I think" should preface each of the last three sentences.)

Match-up #1: FC Schalke vs. Manchester United
First Leg: Manchester United @ Schalke, Tuesday April 26th
Second Leg: Schalke @ Manchester United, Wednesday May 4th

Schalke
I know very little about Schalke, other than it's pronounced Shahl-ka and they are supposed to have a great keeper in Manuel Neuer. But before we dismiss them, it's important to note Schalke's impressive run to the semis. After a loss in the first round of group play to French club Lyon, the squad has gone undefeated in nine consecutive matches. The last two of those were a thorough quarterfinals beating of defending champions Inter Milan, 5-2 on the road and 2-1 at home. The first leg of this series kicks off in Germany, where Schalke is 5-0 at home so far in the tournament, having outscored its opponents 12-2 in aggregate.

Manchester United
I will spare you a detailed review of a well-known squad, but this team has been peaking at the right time in both EPL and Champions League play. This year's team is stacked up front, with Wayne Rooney, Javier Hernandez and Dimitar Berbatov leading the team. The midfield play has been solid with a steady rotation of attacking midfielders (Nani, Antonio Valencia, Ji-Sung Park, Ryan Giggs) and defensive hacks who are not afraid to draw yellow cards (Paul Scholes, Darrin Fletcher and Darren Gibson). The back line is all healthy, and 40 year-old Edwin van der Saar will be in the cage as his professional career wraps up over the next month. Mexican striker Javier Hernandez remains the man to watch in this series. He has been a goal-scoring machine for the team all year after fighting for minutes, playing so well he's kept Berbatov off the pitch.

Match-up #2: Real Madrid vs. Barcelona
First Leg: Barcelona @ Real Madrid, Wednesday April 27th
Second Leg: Real Madrid @ Barcelona, Tuesday May 3rd

This match-up of the two titans of the Spanish league is about as good as it gets. The two biggest Spanish cities squaring off, with the scrappy Lionel Messi leading Barcelona against the petulant but gifted Cristiano Ronaldo. Making the series even more interesting is that the two teams have played twice since April 16th. On that date, the teams tied 1-1 in Madrid in Spanish Liga play, which was a better showing for Real Madrid than in November 2010, when they lost 5-0 in an away match at Barcelona. Last week, the teams met again on April 20th in the finals of the Copa del Rey, a Spanish tournament that is so prestigious that Real Madrid accidentally let the trophy get run over by a bus after winning 1-0 on a header from Ronaldo in the 103rd minute of play. The current standings in the Spanish Liga, where Barcelona leads Real Madrid by 8 points with five matches left, indicate Barcelona should be regarded as slight favorites, but this is a grudge match of the highest order, where the two most recent results were a draw and a tie broken in the 103rd minute.



Barcelona
Barcelona's stars include a lot of names you may remember from last year's World Cup, including Argentina's Messi, Brazil's Dani Alves, and Spaniards Carles Puyol and David Villa, who scored five goals for Spain last year, leading them to the World Cup title. Barcelona coasted to the semis after crushing Ukrainian squad FC Shakhtar Donetsk 6-1 in aggregate, but they have not been invincible in the tournament so far, with a 7-1-2 record, including a loss to Arsenal and ties to Euro soccer welterweights FC Rubin Kazan (Russia)and Kobenhavn (Denmark).


Real Madrid
There are no shortage of stars for this team either, including Spanish World Cup keeper and squad captain Iker Casillas, Portugal's Ronaldo, Brazil's Kaka and ex-EPL star Emmanuel Adebayor. Real Madrid has gone 8-0-2 so far in the tournament, with ties to Lyon and Inter Milan being the only blemishes on the team's record so far.

Predictions
Manchester United should be able to use their horsepower to pull out this series. They are comfortably ahead in the EPL (up 6 points to Chelsea with 4 matches left) and have a match against a demoralized Arsenal squad on Sunday May 1st that will likely feature a lot of Man U reserves in the starting lineup. In the other match-up, I have to go with Barcelona, because when in doubt, bet against Ronaldo's waxed eyebrows and his (lack of) heart.

One last thing - I want to remind you all to clear your schedules now. The finals of the Champions League will be at Wembley Stadium on Saturday May 28th at 2:45 PM ET. The game is one more excellent reason to day-drink on a long holiday weekend. The mayhem factor will increase exponentially if Man U is involved.

214 Dunks

Today is Easter, which makes me think of Jesus, which makes me think of Jesus Shuttlesworth, which makes me think of Ray Allen, who lately makes me miserable, but what isn't miserable is my resurgent interest in the NBA, which brings me to the following filler video compilation of all 214 of Blake Griffin's dunks this season. Griffin's kinda like Jesus because he came back to life in 2010-11 after his basketball career appeared to die when (1) the Clippers drafted him and (2) his knee cap broke in the Clippers' final preseason game. So while you spend the day celebrating Christ's resurgence, rejoice too about Blake Griffin's Lazarusian rise from the basketball dead. But please do not exalt when Jesus Shuttlesworth scores today against the Knicks; he's just a guy who was paid to pretend to be Jesus, he isn't really Jesus himself (or Jesus Himself for that matter).

Metal Up Your Ass (Good) Friday: Volume 4, Featuring Slipknot

A double shot of Slipknot today. The bands seems a bit farcical with their jumpsuits and terrifying clown masks, but they are a pretty intense band. Their stage presence is phenomenal, if not typical for the metal world. The lead singer verbally abuses the crowd all show long (which the crowd eats up), and the band tries to incite violent moshing among the idiots in the crowd. The band features a drummer, two additional clown percussionists and a clown on the turntable. They have a BIG sound in person, with lots of drums to make you want to start stomping in your combat boots.

Here's an unofficial video for Surfacing:



And here's the official video for Duality, the one song you may know by them. The song may be overplayed to some, but it still kicks ass.

Happy Good Friday from the G:TB team.

Your Own, Personal, Brewery

We're nothing if not generous here at G:TB, and in the spirit of giving, we offer our friends at Dumbarton's Beer (motto: Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed) a sneak peek at their Christmas gift. (Note: gift is contingent on G:TB generating the $4,500 required to purchase it via AdSense, sales of prescription drugs, or whoring out the Teej. They may have to settle for a 'Beer Thinker' t-shirt.)


From Wired.com comes the tale of the WilliamsWarn Personal Brewery. According to the author, the stainless steel WWPB will produce a ready-to-drink chilled pint in seven days.

The nation that brought us the Dyson vacuum (that might be England, but verification would require several clicks), the Haka, and the creative force behind Crowded House (this one I'm quite sure about) continues to deliver clever inventions that make life that much better. New Zealand might be on to something.

Just. Too. Easy. To. Resist.

Headline: "Local Air Traffic Controller Suspended for Watching Movie"

In its release, the FAA said the following:
"During the early morning hours of April 17, 2011, an air traffic controller at the Cleveland Air Route Traffic Control Center was watching a movie on a portable electronic device while working a radar position. For a little more than three minutes, the controllers microphone was inadvertently activated, transmitting the soundtrack of the movie over the radio frequency for that airspace. The problem was brought to air traffic controls attention by the pilot of a military aircraft using an alternate frequency. The controller has been suspended from operational duties pending an investigation. FAA policy prohibits the use of portable DVD players and other devices from being used on the floor of the radar room."

Hmmmm, what ever could he have been watching?

Half-Assed? Quarter, Maybe.

Kitty snuggling with a dolphin? Kitty snuggling with a dolphin.

Father of the Year, Part II

My kids have talked about the 2011 Washington Post Peeps Diorama contest ever since our entry in the 2010 contest (Georgia O'Peepe's Studio) failed to make the finals. We've brainstormed ideas (leader in the clubhouse, Big Peepi), talked about building materials, and prepared our Peep muscles with a rigorous workout program.


Imagine my surprise, then, when I opened the Washington Post Magazine today to find the announcement of the winners of this year's contest. Guess who completely missed the contest-opening meeting?

Thank God for the 2011 G:TB Circus Peanut Diorama Contest.

Father of the Year

My kids didn't believe that a song with the lyrics, "kitty on my foot and I want to touch it" actually existed.

So I played it for them. The uncensored version.

You see, I completely forgot about the part that goes, "Fuck you kitty, you're gonna spend the night outside."

The Presidents of the United States of America - Kitty (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: The Presidents of the United States of America

Metal Up Your Ass Friday, Featuring Lamb of God. With Extra Idiocy!

Richmond, VA has produced some fantastic things over the years (Philip Morris smokes, VCU basketball), as well as some less fantastic things (Confederacy, tons of murders). One creation from Richmond that would fall into the "more fantastic" side of life is Lamb of God. Simplest description is that they are like Pantera, but heavier.

Lamb of God has their own tradition in concert. They play a song called "Black Label." As they lead into the song, the lead singer gets the entire crowd to retreat to the corners of the stage, form a wall of death and then charge into each other at full speed. It is just as awesome, terrifying and dangerous as it seems. Combine moshing meatheads, speed metal, alcohol, drugs and lots of sexual angst among young male misfits and you have total fucking chaos.

To truly capture the insanity, I'm including two live clips of the onslaughts. Below that I have a studio version of the song, which hauls. Enjoy this at your cube/office/desk.

Here's one composite video that captures the intensity of the moments a bit better. Go to the 1 minute, and then the 1:35 mark to see it go down a couple times.



This is a version done in a show in Athens, Greece. Like Citizen Dick, Lamb of God is huge in Belgium. Go to the 1:20 second mark to see the devastation unfold. Good to know their growls translate across the pond. Surprisingly, there are no moshers in scarves.



And here is a studio version, along with something resembling a video (warning: may give you a seizure), if you want to hear the audio with decent quality.

Rutger Hauer is a hobo with a shotgun.

Ever wonder what happened to Rutger Hauer, the guy who played the psychopathic android in Blade Runner? Turns out he's a hobo with a shotgun. Scout's honor. Don't believe me? Then watch the video.

Can't make this stuff up.

Know Your Minor League Mascot

You can be forgiven if you thought we'd discontinued this feature when the Richmond Flying Squirrels retired the trophy for best mascot ever. Like the salmon returning to Capistrano, though, Know Your Minor League Mascot returns after a 497-day hiatus to take a trip on the wayback machine and celebrate one of the first famous bush league clubs.

Team: Toledo Mud Hens
League: International (AAA)
Affiliation: Detroit Tigers
Mascot: Muddy

Self-Absorbed East Coast Elitist Commentary: The Muds Hens were made famous nearly 40 years ago by a cross-dressing Lebanese comic actor, but the team's actually been around since 1896, making it one of the longest-tenured minor league franchises. The team promises their fans fun, family, fabulous food, and affordability, failing the alliteration test, but making up for it in good feelings.

The Hens play their home games at Fifth Third Field, which I assume has something to do with hard liquor. It goes without saying that we approve.

Phil Nevin manages the 2011 Hens, assisted by Leon Durham (the Bull!). They have a pitcher named Al Alburquerque on their roster, making them the favorite team of not one, but two fictional characters. Charlie Furbush is a member of their starting rotation. Charlie Furbush. Man, I wish I made that up.

Toledo's started the year scuffling a bit, with a 2-4 mark at the time of this writing. (Furbush is 0-1. Furbush. Good gracious.) So are we, frankly, but we promise not to wait 497 more days to celebrate all that's good and well with our American pastime.

Gheorgheness Quotient: 55/77

To sate your minor league baseball jones during our frequent hiatuses (hiatii?), we commend to your attention the excellent work of our friend, the Artist Sometimes Known as Extra P, and his mates at Bus Leagues Baseball.

Late Afternoon Filler on a Tuesday

Google...copy...paste embed code. Tuesday's (almost) Gone, indeed...



Wow, that is some dark, grainy footage. Doesn't diminish what a kickass song it is, though.

You should listen to this free Frank Ocean mixtape

And not just because he's savvy enough to stick an E30 vintage M3 on the album cover:


Frank Ocean is a member of Odd Future, which is really Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All, the gore/hiphop (sickhop?) group that famously appeared on Jimmy Fallon's show a few weeks ago and therefore made it impossible for me to write about them in this space (I won't take Jimmy's musical sloppies). I'm not that into Tyler, the Creator or Earl Sweatshirt. But Frank Ocean is on to something here. I don't know if he's related to Billy Ocean or Danny Ocean, but he makes interesting R&B/soul music with an indie rock sensibility and a Ghostfacian penchant for storytelling ("I blame it on the model broad with the Hollywood smile/Stripper booty and a rack like wow"), sort of a laid-back Kid Cudi vibe but with romance and heartbreak replacing all the psychoanalytical melodrama. This is both music to make love to your old lady by and music that will draw approving nods from beatnerds, sneakerfreaks, exurban teenagers, and (in about a month) hipsters alike.

And it's free. Get it now before Don Henley finds out about the sample on "American Wedding" and shuts this thing down.

Download Mixtape | Free Mixtapes Provided by DatPiff.com

Reader's Choice

"In your life, have you seen anything like that."

While I'm not rooting for Eldrick this weekend, this is by far the best golf shot I've ever seen.

Culture Up Your Ass Friday

I took the kids to the National Portrait Museum last weekend. Ostensibly, the trip was part of our ongoing effort to fight against the perfectly natural urge to completely take for granted the immensely interesting and diverse cultural opportunities in our area. But Daddy had an ulterior motive.

Peter Gammons called it "duende", from the Spanish word that, roughly translated, means having soul, an authentic expression of emotion. I always loved that description as attached to Pedro Martinez, the most remarkable athlete in my experience as a fan. Pedro's duende manifested itself in a loose-limbed, heavy-lidded arrogance, as this slip of a man whipped a baseball from his long fingers towards the artificially-muscled sluggers of his day, besting them again and again.

In 1999, at the height of the steroid era, Pedro was 23-4 with a 2.07 ERA, 313 strikeouts and 37 walks. His ERA in 2000 was a ludicrous 1.74, more than 2.5 runs lower than the league average. From 1997 to 2003, he strung together what Gammons describes as "the most dominant stretch of any pitcher in major league history".

Like many of the greats, Pedro held on long enough for us to watch his gifts diminish. And though he was still more than serviceable in his final years with the Mets and Phillies, he wasn't Pedro. Nobody could be.

Gammons himself donated Susan Miller-Havens' portrait of Pedro to the National Portrait Gallery, where it hangs today in a wing of other new additions to the museum's collection, near Ann Landers and a tribute to Hunter Thompson. In it, Pedro wears a Sox cap with a uniform of indeterminant provenance that features a Dominican flag, combining his U.S. glory days with the work he continues to do in his native country.

Duende, it seems, stays with a man.

Don't Forget What Happened The Last Time The Government Shut Down

With a possible shutdown of the U.S. government looming, it is helpful to remember what happened the last time federal workers received a forced furlough. According to an FBI interview report:

- Unable to begin a new paying job, a 22 year-old female intern continued to work at the White House.

- Said intern's "personal relationship" with President Bill Clinton began on November 15, 1995, the day after the government shutdown began.

- On that Wednesday evening, the intern, seizing the moment, told Clinton she "had a crush on him." The 42nd President responded by accompanying the intern to a back study behind the Oval Office, where he kissed her.

- "Unclothed genital contact" would later occur, along with "kissing, hugging, touching and oral sex on the person of the President, but not intercourse."

A Close Reading of My Netflix Queue

I love Netflix. I love the control it gives me over my movie and television viewing, I love that I never watch commercials, and I love that the U.S. Postal system doles out Netflix at a tolerable rate. That is why I don't have cable-- not because cable sucks-- but because cable is too good; I can't handle the all the excellent programming. Netflix puts a much needed governor on my viewing.

I also love the Netflix queue. When you add a movie to your Netflix queue, there is absolutely no commitment involved. This is unlike when you buy a book, and feel an obligation to read it because you have spent money on it and it is taking up room on your bookshelf (and you also feel guilt for the tree that died to make the book).  The Netflix queue isn't analogous to taking books out of the library either, because you still need to physically store those books while you're not reading them, and you have to physically return them so you don't accrue late fees. Even pirating music engenders more responsibility than queuing a movie on Netflix, because you still feel you should give the music a listen as it is taking up space on your hard drive.

Because my Netflix queue carries none of this responsibility . . . because it is an abstraction that takes up no physical or digital space in my life, it has swollen to 223 movies. This is more movies than I could watch in five years . . . if I were planning on watching them. But I'm not. I'm never going to watch 95% percent of them. But I can't remove them either. They have sentimental value. So they sit in the queue, serving no purpose other than-- under close examination-- as a revealing tour of my consciousness, moods, personality, and aspirations. Let's get to it.

Queue Numbers 184-189: Shakespeare's An Age of Kings (Discs 1-5)

The Netflix blurb: "Explore the history of the English monarchy through the prism of Shakespeare's plays with this 15-part BBC series that features many of England's top actors. Originally broadcast on television in 1960."

Analysis: Why is this on my queue? Ostensibly, because I teach a high school Shakespeare class, I teach several of the history plays, and-- short of taking a college course-- this would be an excellent way to further my knowledge of the bard. But I teach a high school Shakespeare class . . . so all I need to know is a bit more than your average high school nerd knows about Shakespeare; this is way more information than I need to effectively teach the course, yet in some deluded moment I thought I might educate myself above and beyond the pale. And I refuse to remove this from my queue. I entertain the notion that someday I will become an expert.

Assessment: I am fooling myself.

Queue Number 219: Pierrot Le Fou

The Netflix Blurb: "Director Jean-Luc Godard's popular 1965 drama captures '60s French cool as only Godard could depict it."

Analysis: When I first joined Netflix, I thought I might become a film buff. I had always wanted to be an aficionado of some sort, and movies seemed to be a relatively painless thing to become buff at. I have never taken a film class, so I decided I would watch all the classics: Fellini, Godard, Kurosawa, etc. Instead, last week I watched Hamlet 2.

Question: Is this film the predecessor to The Blue Man Group?

Answer: I have no idea. Ask a film buff.

Assessment: The only time I will be a buff is when I am in the buff. Even then, I'm so hairy that it is hard to tell that I am naked.

Number 11: City Island

The Netflix Blurb: "When he recognizes his son, Tony (Steven Strait), whom he hasn't seen in more than 20 years, among a crop of new inmates in the jail where he works, Vince Rizzo (Andy Garcia) decides to bring the troubled young man home with him, much to the surprise of his wife and kids."

Analysis: My friend Terry made me put this on my queue, and I often check my queue when I'm in the English office at the same time as Terry, so I need to keep it near the top to assure him that I'm going to watch it . . . but I never feel like watching it, so any time it gets near the top, I push it down to number 11 again. At this point, Terry must realize that I'm never going to watch it (at least not while The Walking Dead, Madmen, and Black Swan are available options).

Assessment: I'm so polite that I am rude.

Queue Number 23: Zombieland

Assessment: Jesse Eisenberg went to the high school where I teach, and so I feel obligated to have the movie on my queue (but not to actually watch it).

 Queue Number 25: The Road

I loved the novel by Cormac McCarthy and-- in an abstract way-- I am curious as to how John Hillcoat translated this apocalyptic story into film, but when it comes to actually choosing a particular evening to watch this film, it never happens. Why? Because there's never a specific night when I say to myself: I really need to see someone roast and eat a human fetus.

Queue Number 13: The Black Cauldron

Netflix blurb: Disney's first PG-rated animated film is a swords-and-sorcery epic set in an ancient land, where young pig keeper Taran dreams of becoming a warrior, and the evil Horned King (voiced by John Hurt) is trying to obtain the Black Cauldron to raise an army of the dead.

I loved this series of books as a child, and want to introduce the characters to my own children, but not more than I want to get the next Walking Dead disk or more than I want to overcome the "long wait" for disk one of Season Four of Madmen.

Assessment: My kids are already spoiled enough, and they don't know what they're missing.

 Queue Number 167: Not Quite Hollywood

Netflix Blurb: "Explore the unofficial history of Australian cult film with this provocative documentary on the "Ozploitation" flicks of the 1970s and '80s. Filmmaker Mark Hartley explores the violence, sex and nudity rampant during this period of lax restrictions."

This movie sounds like it might have lots of nudity, but I've yet to watch it.

Assessment: If I want to see naked girls, I don't need to get a movie from Netflix. I have an internet connection.

Netflix Queue Number 198: A Very Long Engagement

Netflix Blurb:  Amelie's Audrey Tautou stars as Mathilde, a young Frenchwoman who vows to find out what happened to her missing fiancé (Gaspard Ulliel) during World War I. He appears to have died after a court-martial, but she needs to know for sure. As she looks for the truth, she discovers unexpected things about herself and the people she meets along the way. 133 Minutes.

My wife put this on the queue. 133 minutes?  About a missing fiancee? If I stay vigilant, this will never make it into top one hundred, let alone the top ten.

Assessment: My wife may control our household's budget, but I'm the man of the house when it comes to the queue.

Queue Number 197: Little Otik

Netflix Blurb: In this bizarre fantasy from the Czech Republic, an ordinary couple, Karel and Bozena, are unable to conceive a child. When Karel digs up a tree root and whittles something vaguely resembling a human baby, Bozena's strong maternal longings transform the stump into a living creature ... with a monstrous appetite that can't be met by baby's formula!

My friend Eric "recommended" this movie. Actually, he said it wasn't great but the description is so absurd that I have kept it on my queue for shits and giggles.  If I had a daughter, I would name her Bozena.


I invite you all to take a closer look at your own Netflix queue, and report what you find there. I am guessing that it is a mirror into your soul. Perhaps I am wrong . . . perhaps the rest of you keep a neater, more spartan queue; a practical queue, a queue of only things that are intended to be watched, but-- when the cost of adding a film to the queue is nothing-- I strongly doubt it.

Dennis and I have a terrible N.L.-only fantasy team

We thought we should share this team with the masses, so that we may all enjoy this early season meltdown by the Backdoor Sliders. For almost a decade, we have fielded a team that someone lands us in the money (4th and above) every year, but has also had dudes freakishly die (Darryl Kile), get murdered in a drive-by (some dude on the Cardinals) and of course we have had two guys commit murder themselves (Ugie Urbina and Angel Villalona of the Giants).  Who will shine for us this year? I'm leaning towards a Vernon Maxwell-esque outburst from new Brewers outfielder Nyjer Morgan.

Good Seats Still (Always) Available

The Nationals and Marlins played a game last night, and no one came. No, seriously, check out this photo via @moneymetalcakes twitter feed. I mean, why do they even bother having an upper deck at Sun Life Stadium?

I would love to laugh at the Marlins' and their joke fan support, but then I remember a post like this from a Nats home game last year, and just shake my head at the shared fan indifference:

Nats and Marlins home baseball, catch the excitement. And sit wherever you'd like.

Looks like natural selection missed another one...

At least his reasoning was sound - the canine started it. But of course.

MASON, Ohio (AP) -- Police say an Ohio man has been charged with a misdemeanor for barking at a police dog. A police report says 25-year-old Ryan James Stephens was charged with teasing a police dog in the Cincinnati suburb of Mason. Officer Bradley Walker wrote that he heard the K9 dog barking uncontrollably inside his patrol car while he was investigating a car crash at a pub early Sunday morning. Walker says Stephens was making barking noises and hissing at the animal. Walker reported that Stephens said "the dog started it" when asked why he was harassing the animal. The officer said Stephens appeared highly intoxicated. There was no answer to calls to Stephens' home in Mason. He is to appear April 21 in municipal court.

Hmmm, wait a second...could this be the man?

Equal Opportunity

As staunch defenders of the distaff, we'd be remiss in neglecting this evening's historic NCAA Women's Basketball National Championship game. Muffet McGraw's Notre Dame Fighting Irish stunned Geno Auriemma's Connecticut juggernaut in one semifinal, moving on to face the Aggies of Texas A&M, who knocked off much-ballyhooed Stanford to reach the final game. (Note: this is the first time in G:TB history that Auriemma's name has graced its pages. Auspicious day for him.) Both teams are #2 seeds, making this the first final since 1994 not to feature one of the four top seeds.

There are literally tens of blogs dedicated to covering women's hoops (give or take 8s or 9s), so we'll leave most of the analysis to the experts. Skylar Diggins leads the Irish, but since ESPN cares very little about women's basketball and I'm in a hurry, I can't tell you how many points per game she averages. She dropped 28 on UCONN as the Irish became the first team ever to defeat the Huskies and Tennessee in the same tournament.

A&M leads the nation in turnovers created, using their pressure defense to erase a 10-point deficit with six minutes remaining against Stanford. The story of the game will be Notre Dame's ability to take care of the basketball.

And Pam Ward's pantsuit.

We've got the Irish, 77-66. Who do you like?

Squirrel Week

Washington Post columnist John Kelly is clearly one of America's brightest journalistic lights. Yesterday, he kicked off #dcsquirrelweek to honor the noblest, bravest, nimblest, cleverest, and downright cutest beast roaming our planet. Mr. Kelly, you're doing God's work.

Rollin down a hill snowballin gettin bigger

The first line of "Looking Down the Barrel of a Gun" characterizes the current state of VCU's men's basketball team, and although it may be more accurate to say "b-ballin gettin bigger," I never let technicalities get in the way of filler posts. Butler is now looking down the barrel of VCU's gun, which is pretty fitting given Richmond's insanely high murder-by-shooting rate.

The remaining members of the tournament's field are now on notice: Shaka Smith has homeboys bonanza to beat your ass down. ESPN analysts should also watch a game or two lest they unexpectedly wind up with a steak on their collective head.


Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun from Titus Curare on Vimeo.

Metal Up Your Ass Friday, Featuring Pantera

It's the first of April, bitches. Baseball is starting. College basketball is ending. Tulips are blooming. So get fired up with Phil Anselmo, Dimebag Darrell (RIP), Vinnie Paul and Rex Brown.

Eternal Springing Hope

Damp gloominess notwithstanding, it's once again the Baseball Poets' favorite time of the year. The next year we've all been waiting for has arrived, the verdant cathedrals flung open to welcome the Boys of Summer and their attendant rooters, Annies, and furtive pharmaceutical providers. And as always*, the G:TB Baseball Preview** is here for your reference and enjoyment.

(* to my knowledge, we've never done a baseball preview)

(** this really isn't a baseball preview)

Others will focus on whether the Red Sox will live up to expectations (color me cautiously optimistic), Buck Showalter's first full season in Baltimore, Zack Grienke's ribcage, the Cubs' Sisyphean quest, Albert Pujols' walk year, and any number of other worthy intrigues. In keeping with our sub-niche specialization, we'll go a different route.

As the fourth-leading chronicler of CAA athletics (behind CAA: Life as a Mid-Major, Defiantly Dutch, and the Harrisonburg Daily News-Record, but way, way ahead of the Richmond Times-Dispatch and the Virginian Pilot), we'll be following the 11 former William & Mary ballplayers earning a professional check.

Three ex-Wrens begin the season on major league rosters, led by veteran pitchers Bill Bray and Chris Ray. Bray is finally healthy after 2009 Tommy John surgery, and enters his 5th big league season looking to be the Reds' late-inning lefty specialist after holding lefties to a .106 average in 2010. Ray saved 33 games for Baltimore in 2006 before struggling through his own injury issues. He accepted a non-roster invitation from Seattle in hopes of earning a late-game relief role, turning down several guaranteed MLB offers from teams with settled closing roles.

Will Rhymes opens the season as the Tigers' starting second baseman after playing in 54 games for Detroit in 2010. The 5'9", 155-pound Rhymes hit .304 with a .763 OPS in his debut season and will likely bat 9th for Jim Leyland this season. He'll take his first cuts of the season against C.C. Sabathia in the Tigers' opener this afternoon. (Annoying sidenote: A Bing image search for 'Will Rhymes' yields a ton of photos of his cousin Busta, but few of Will. Google > Bing.)

Follow our good friend Extra P (of Storming the Floor and CBS Sports Online fame) and his mates at Bus Leagues Baseball for news about the 8 Wrens playing minor league ball, including former big-leaguer Brendan Harris. The veteran infielder begins the season in Igor's backyard (not actually his back yard - there are far too many empties in the way to play baseball) with the Norfolk Tides. Check in with the W&M athletic department for a full list of W&M ballplayers in the minors.

Honor

My sincere gratitude to the men and women of the 3rd U.S. Army Regiment for their commitment to celebrating the service of our fallen Veterans. My family and friends had the distinct honor of laying my father to rest at Arlington National Cemetery yesterday. While it was an obviously solemn and sober affair, the presence of some 60+ Old Guard soldiers performing their duties with military precision and respect despite the cold drizzle was in many ways inspiring. My Dad's place in Arlington was well-earned, and the Old Guard let us know that they understood and agreed. As Dad was a Gheorghian goofball of the highest order, our regularly scheduled dipshittery will commence shortly.

The Ghoogles: Laziest Attempt Ever

Cut and paste job of every keyword search that scored at least two visitors for G:TB in the last seven days. I'd say we're devloping nicely as a niche diorama internet destination.

And seriously, Judy Tenuta? Her agent should be cutting us a check for keeping that woman's name afloat on the interwebs.

This guy here is dead. Cross him off, then.

Our midget editor told me we needed to post something today. I imagine you're all sick of us touting VCU, so how about some baseball....season starts Thursday, I will be at the Nattys home opener, a businessman's special...so what the heck, how about a look at the hometown nine (it ain't pretty folks):

OK, well, have fun with that. Bernadina just got sent down. We'll be back tomorrow with useless filler.

#8wins4CAA

New FOG:TB Jerry Beach has some very nice things to say about our humble staff today over at Defiantly Dutch (or as our blogroll prefers, Defianty Dutch). Of course, he also has kind words for our arch-nemesis, He Who Deals in Reality, but in all the mid-major group hugging that began on Saturday and will last for the next week, we're more than willing to let that go.


We're thrilled this morning for one of G:TB's long-time supporters, Mike Litos of CAA:LAMM fame. As the Teej coined this weekend, MGL is Don CAA-leone, the leading chronicler of Colonial hoops on the internet. He's also a VCU grad, which made this weekend's events all the sweeter for him - not to mention that his tireless and insightful coverage of the conference earned him a trip to San Antonio to cover the regional. We're hugely proud to be his friend and very, very happy for him. MGL wrote a lot this weekend for the Around the Horns blog - check it out if you want to see the best VCU coverage available.

I shouldn't neglect the fine work our very own Teej has done over at SB Nation DC. Check out his stylings so you can say you knew him when.

All of this almost makes me think that the same thing could happen to the Wrens. Almost. Enjoy the moment, Futile Superfans. It's pretty cool.

Good luck VCU. If people weren't rooting for you before, quoting "Dumb and Dumber" is a good way to convert them...

Phase 1 - Quote:

"It's kind of like the movie 'Dumb and Dumber," said VCU coach Shaka Smart on Saturday, setting up a popular line from the gap-toothed doofus played by Jim Carrey. "'So you're saying we've got a chance?"

Phase 2 - Clip:


Phase 3 - Profit. VCU in the Final Four.

Basketball, a wedding and numerous assholes with differing agendas...

Who schedules a wedding in March? Assholes, that’s who. For the second time in as many years, one of my wife’s friends has a wedding scheduled during the meat of the second weekend of the tournament. Two key differences this year: (1) Last year there were no TVs to watch while
drinking/avoiding people at the reception and (2) Florida is playing in an important game during the wedding this year. It’s a bit of a wash, especially since this year’s wedding is a short affair (10-15 minutes) and its on the deck of an oceanfront hotel with the reception being held in said hotel. I plan on being at the hotel bar with 10 minutes left in the first half, at the latest.

Here’s the real problem though. Florida is playing Butler. Butler might be a “mid-major” but they’re bullies. For real. I’m not calling them the Pat Riley era Knicks but there is a bit of an element of that team to their game. They are, by far, the most physical team in the country and they bump, hit and push the opposition so often that many plays that would often be called fouls aren’t called against Butler simply because the refs can’t call everything. It’s an effective defensive strategy and one Butler is exceedingly good at executing. Look at their last two opponents, Pittsburgh and Wisconsin. Each is considered amongst the most physical teams in America, yet both of them were physically pushed around by Butler throughout much of their games. Florida, on the other hand, is not thought of as an especially physical or tough team. Part of this true and part of this is due to the perception of Florida as a program. This perception, I contend, is largely wrong. Florida was, early in Billy Donovan’s career, known for pressing, playing 10-12 guys and shooting tons of threes. However, as time has passed and Florida has become both more successful and more established, the Gators have become a program that thrives on quality halfcourt offensive basketball, good big men (look at the number of bigs Donovan has put in the NBA, its impressive, to say the least) and solid team defense. One need look no further than Thursday night’s win over BYU for evidence of this. Kenny Boynton did an exceptional job guarding Jimmer Fredette but was also helped out by the fact that nearly every time Fredette had even an ounce of daylight, there was a second (and often third) Gator defender flying at him with a hand up. So, you see, these teams are far more similar than most would have you believe. Right down to their boy wonder head coaches. We’ve all marveled at the story, success and likability of Butler’s Brad Stevens over the last 2-3 years but it’s easy to forget that despite having won 2 National Championships and being the 3rd all time winningest coach in SEC history, Billy Donovan is still only in his early 40s. Somehow, he’s still one of the nation’s most underrated coaches and he’s built a premier program in a place that had no record of sustained basketball success in the 70 some odd years before his arrival from Marshall.

If you can’t already tell, I’m pretty psyched for this game. I expect it to be a back and forth, physical affair that comes down to the last possession or two. With that said, and in the interest of time, here are a few keys to the game:

• Shelvin Mack: Kenny Boynton will once again have his hands full with a physical, experienced and multi-talented guard. Mack carried Butler in their win over Pittsburgh last weekend and is fully capable of going off for 25-30 again today. Boynton is an underrated defender but is going to need the help of his long limbed teammates to keep Mack in check.

• Florida’s frontline: I said this would be key in the BYU game, and it was. Florida has one of the country’s deepest, most athletic frontlines. They’ll need to feed Vernon Macklin and Alex Tyus the ball early to put pressure on Smith (coming off an ankle injury) & Howard (prone to foul trouble) in order to establish them against a smaller Butler frontline. Alex Tyus gave Florida his best game in two years against BYU. Freshman phenom Patric Young had his best game of the year in the win over UCLA. Florida will need 2-3 big games out of their 5 man frontcourt rotation to come away with a victory.

• The Point Guards: You can make the case that Florida’s most important player is Erving Walker. He’s tough, a natural leader and has taken (and made) more big shots for them this year than the rest of the team combined. He’s come a long way from the turnover prone, sometimes wildly out of control player he was last year. However, he still has days where he settles for his jumpshot too often and doesn’t control the pace like Donovan would like. He must take care of the ball, contend with Butler’s physical guards and be able to hit a few timely shots. On the other side, Steven Van Zandt is as much of a reason for Butler’s late season surge as anyone. His insertion into the starting lineup gave Butler another sorely needed shot creator and allowed Mack to move off the ball and concentrate his efforts on scoring. He’s going to see a number of Florida defenders today (Walker, Boynton, Scottie Wilbekin) and he’s going to have to be able to handle their pressure effectively while getting Butler into their halfcourt sets.

• Chandler Parsons: As he goes, Florida goes. When Florida was losing to the likes of Jacksonville University early this season and fell out of the top 25, Parsons was struggling in nearly every area of the game, especially scoring as he was averaging about 8 pts/game. When Florida hit it’s stride during SEC play (13-3 overall), it was Parsons, leading the team in rebounding & assists (2nd in scoring), who was the catalyst for this run. The SEC Player of the Year must come up big today and fill the stat sheet if Florida is to advance to the Final Four.

Finally, a fun fact: Brad Stevens and Billy Donovan are a combined 4-0 in regional final games. Obviously, somebody’s perfect record won’t survive this evening. Should be interesting to see which one of these talented coaches it is.

Metal Up Your Ass Friday, Featuring Static X

It's Friday, people. Suck down your coffee, get this song cranking on your work PC and be happy that another week will be complete in a few hours. With ample New Jersey representation and tattoos among the editorial staff, this song felt fitting.



I picked this song to honor of my wife, who is celebrating a birthday today. I think of her every time I hear the song, especially the lines that say "Your shit's like chocolate cake. Your ass smells like a rose."

Wishing you all an ass that smells like a rose today.

Once More with Feeling

On the cusp of another weekend spent immersed in basketball being played by teams other than our favorite, a little reminder that Tony Shaver continues to take the Wrens in the right direction. The Washington Post's local recruiting beat writer gives comfort today, reporting that Tribe signee and 2011 Maryland Player of the Year Marcus Thornton has no intention of trying to get out of his commitment to enroll at William and Mary. "“William & Mary recruited me all along,” said Thornton. “I’m happy with my decision.”

The 6'3" shooting guard averaged 23.4 points per game in his senior year at McNamara. He's rail-thin at 165 pounds, but has loads of offensive talent. With lots of youth in the Tribe's guard rotation (only Kendrix Brown will be a senior next season), Thornton needs to prove he can score and play defense at the college level in order to get quality minutes, but his talent is undeniable. He'll also bring the best hair W&M's seen since Zeb Cope left the Colonial Capital.

6'7" forward Tom Schalk from Apple Valley, MN joins Thornton in the Class of 2016. The Maxpreps Top 100 recruit is the highest-rated signee in Tony Shaver's tenure at W&M, for whatever that's worth. Schalk committed to W&M as a high school junior, and brings a versatile all-court game and a sweet three-point stroke to the 'burg. He averaged 22.8 ppg as a high school senior.

Sometimes the filler just writes itself...

I first saw this story on twitter last night. I mean, can a story be any better set up for a clip than this one?

U.S. investigators are examining whether two airline flights landed at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport today without tower guidance because the lone controller on duty was asleep.

Golden Age of Moviemaking: "Towering Inferno"

A couple of weeks ago I was jamming out to the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack when Disco Inferno came on. Fantastic song, yes, but that's not why I'm here today. My OC-ADD brain immediately jumped to "Towering Inferno" , the epic 70s disaster flick about, well, a skyscraper on fire. Hopefully you have all seen this classic, but if not, the trailer below will get you sufficiently fired up (perhaps) to watch it, sometime, maybe:



Yep, that is indeed Orenthal James Simpson. AND Ernest Borgnine. Greatest casting ever. McQueen was salty Newman had 12 more lines than him in the movie. I mean, freakin' Fred Astaire is in this movie. John Williams, yeah that famous composer dude, did the score. Just ep-ic.

OK, get excited, next week I'm gonna ramble on about the original Poseidon Adventure...

This Whole World Wide Web Thing is Awesome

While The Teej remains fascinated by some sort of bestiality movement (see here), we find ourselves entranced by other, higher brow web sites.

Like this one. Rated PG-13 for bad language. And worse grammar.

And since we usually have a picture in our posts, here's one for you all:

Solutions

I've had a nagging professional problem on my mind for the past several weeks. As is often the case, I've followed the advice of a college friend and ignored the issue. Today, through no action of my own, the problem went away. Darren Brown would be proud.

Don't tell my kids, but that's...one to grow on.

Tournament: Day 4

I can't quote the bible like Zman (I've never been into fiction) but I did want to make life easier for all our friends commenting from their phones so I decided a new post was needed for the Sunday slate of games. And while I was thinking about that I decided I should push some of my musical tastes on the readers of G:TB (shit, everyone else does). You may have never heard of Ratatat. If not, they're just a couple of Broooklyn hipsters who do dope remixes. Very, very dope. You've probably heard of Slim Thug...but you've probably never listened to him. I can't blame you. He's not really my style either. Despite my southern upbringing, there aren't a ton of Southern rappers that I love.

I do, however, love this remix. Don't blame me if it's stuck in your head all day today.

And on the third day, He made herbs.

According to the Bible, on the third day God created kind herbs: "And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good." I will leave this theological discussion to other members of our editorial staff on this the third day of the NCAA tournament.

It's almost too nice out to stay in and watch today's games. Almost. Instead I shall spend the evening and the morning of the third day of the tournmament firmly planted in front of my TV. Join me in the comments.

Idiots Rule, Part Deux

Nobody likes to hear about other people's NCAA tournament bracket's getting busted, I know this (it was by far the most annoying part of an otherwise highly entertaining Twitter day Thursday). And trust me, I would never have thought to post this unless 'House Jerry hadn't emailed post-midnight last night to let me know how awful I am doing in the pool below. Never mind my other bracket that is relatively unharmed - just take a look at your boy Teej thinking he was waaaay smarter than he really is...

After the first day of the 2011 NCAA Tournament, I lost four Elite Eight teams, two Final Four teams and a Finalist. This bracket, she is bad.

Friday Filler: Jack White Style

This guy can't not kick ass. Enjoy his recent set from a parking lot at SXSW. And the back half of the video features another artist who's loved by at least one member of the editorial staff - the one and only Seasick Steve.

Idiots Rule

We had a few technical issues with our audio last night, so we we're forced to give you the transcript of our second annual March Madness podcast:

From: Mark
Sent: Wed 3/16/2011 8:48 PM
Subject: RE:

AHL. I know absolutely nothing about how we're doing any of this...

From: rob
To: Mark; Teej
Subject: RE:
Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2011 20:46:37 -0400

I think we should publish the email thread. Do we know how we’re recording it?

rob

From: Mark
Sent: Wednesday, March 16, 2011 8:45 PM
To: rob; Teej
Subject: RE:

When we doing this? Are we doing this?

From: rob
To: Teej; Mark
Subject: RE:
Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2011 20:31:07 -0400

You tell him he's young enough to be my son?

rob

-----Original Message-----
From: Teej
Sent: Wednesday, March 16, 2011 8:30 PM
To: rob; Mark
Subject: Re:

I'm drunk on the metro. Rob, our new boss is 24

----- Original Message -----
From: rob
Sent: Wednesday, March 16, 2011 07:28 PM
To: Teej; Mark
Subject: RE:

I'm on a boat! I'm in.

rob

-----Original Message-----
From: Teej
Sent: Wednesday, March 16, 2011 8:27 PM
To: Mark; rob

I'm in a metro tunnel

But would love to do a ppdcast in 30 min

From: Teej
Sent: Wednesday, March 16, 2011 5:25 PM
To: Mark; rob

I can do this, but has to be in conjunction with me writing up vcu game

From: Mark
Sent: Wednesday, March 16, 2011 03:35 PM
To: Teej
Subject: RE:

I'm in. We doing this tonight? I'm playing ball until around 7:30 or so but am free after that. Let me know.
________________________________________
From: Teej
To: Dennis; Dave; Zman; Mark; rob; TR; Igor; Mr. Truck; Almighty Yojo
Subject:
Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2011 13:27:11 +0000

http://www.podbean.com/

From: Teej
To: Dennis; Dave; Zman; Mark; rob; TR; Igor; Mr. Truck; Almighty Yojo
Subject:
Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2011 9:19 AM

Oh, I long forgot whatever that site was. Ill just use the ole google machine t find a new site

From: rob
Sent: Wednesday, March 16, 2011 9:18 AM
To: Dennis; Dave; Zman; Mark; rob; TR; Igor; Mr. Truck; Almighty Yojo
Subject: RE: clicks for average page views per day

I thought you set up a new website – is that right?

rob

From: Teej
Sent: Wednesday, March 16, 2011 8:53 AM
To: Dennis; Dave; Zman; Mark; rob; TR; Igor; Mr. Truck; Almighty Yojo
Subject: RE: clicks for average page views per day

What website we using for this? and what time we doing this?

From: rob
Sent: Tuesday, March 15, 2011 9:20 PM
To: Dennis; Dave; Zman; Mark; Teej; TR; Igor; Mr. Truck; Almighty Yojo
Subject: RE: clicks for average page views per day

We’re gonna need to cast pod tomorrow night – who’s in? And Teej, have we tested the new casting service?

rob

From: Mark
Sent: Friday, March 11, 2011 5:06 PM
To: Dennis; Dave; Zman; Teej; rob; TR; Igor; Mr. Truck; Almighty Yojo
Subject: RE: clicks for average page views per day

Based on the "success" of last year's March madness G:TB podcast, are we going to do a 2nd Annual?

Aloe Blacc with TR/FD's Lovechild

If TR and FD had a lovechild, they would make a kid with an afro who could do the Rerun Dance. Kinda like this:

'Twas the Night Before Madness

In case anyone was wondering what Greg's been up to lately, his exploits have garnered more than 700,000 views on YouTube.

And now back to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress...

We have a "Fashion is dumb" reader submission for your viewing pleasure today.  Im not even sure where to begin wtih this one...

And here's a bonus entry I uncovered this morning. It was screaming to be included/mocked:

#3bids4caa, a G:TB Production

It's easy to see now, with hindsight's clarifying wisdom. But back then, when we the G:TB brain trust created the #3bids4caa hashtag, we had no idea of our power and reach. We were just hoping, wishing, dreaming that the CAA - once a Selection Sunday afterthought - could sneak a third team into the March Madness mix for the first time in conference history. We weren't dealing in reality. We just had no idea.

No idea that our words traveled from our keyboards to Those That Make Decisions in Indianapolis. That the power of a simple idea based in obvious logic (not shared, perhaps, by Bilas, Digger, Davis and Vitale) would work like trickle of water, becoming a stream, a flood, a raging river, cutting a great canyon out of formerly impenetrable rock. That suggestion, repeated, amplified, and repeated again has the capacity to work miracles.

We'll spend some time trying to figure out how to use our newly-discovered power wisely. Until then, we're just basking in the odd joy that comes with being so conditioned that your own team won't make the Dance that you live vicariously through conference mates.

Okay, Patriots, Monarchs, and Rams. We got you there. Now make us proud.

Shallow Water is More Dangerous Than The Internet

The premise of Nicholas Carr's new book The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains is that reading on the internet is not the same as reading an actual book, and he proves this on the molecular level, with research from neuroscience and psychology. It turns out that there's nothing like a book-- an analog book made of paper pages-- as a delivery system for putting knowledge into a human brain . . . to take short-term memories and make them long-term, you need a "thimbleful by thimbleful" approach, and if things move too fast-- hyper-links, images, e-mail and Twitter interruptions, filler-- then you will experience "cognitive overload" and remember very little.

I'm not going to argue against Carr's thesis, as many critics have. I think they are scared of his findings because, like everyone else in the free world, they are spending a hell of a lot of time on the net, and they don't want to face the music. I'm also not going to agree with the majority of people that say the internet is making us smarter. I agree with Carr. Google is making us stupid. And the Ghoogles are making us stupider. Many people have said that the knowledge stored on the internet, readily accessible and search-able, allows us to free up our brains for other thoughts, but this is patently false. The more we have in our own brains, the better we can think. And study after study has proven that the more facts you know, the better you are at reading and memorizing new facts. Paradoxically, our brains are not like computers with finite memories. When an actor memorizes the lines for a play, it doesn't make it more difficult for him to memorize the lines for his next play; in fact, it makes it easier.  When the Teej memorizes statistics about every college basketball player in the nation, it doesn't hinder his ability to quote lines from bad '80's movies (but not a particular good '80's movie). When Igor learned about vajazzling, it didn't erase his memories of every single thing every person he was acquainted with did or said during college.

But what Nicholar Carr is forgetting is that having the internet around may make students more likely to read something-- even if it is hyper-linked and on a screen-- rather than do a host of other things . . . things not even remotely like reading . . . and perhaps that's not a bad thing. When I was young, in high school and college, I didn't have access to the internet. I think Al Gore had invented it, but he hadn't told anyone about it yet. And so I read plenty of actual books. Despite all this deep thinking, I was involved in some pretty stupid stuff. I hit my head a lot. Once I dove into a river, drunk, with the intention of riding a cooler down some rapids, but-- luckily-- the spot I chose was six inches of shallow water over a black rock. I had to be fished out, unconscious, with a broken tooth, but I probably wouldn't have survived the rapids. Conclusion: diving into shallow water is more dangerous than the "shallow reading" that we do on G:TB.

I often chose to bang my head against another person's head . . . I'd pretend I had a secret to tell them and then SMASH! My friends all considered this social head-butting good fun. The things I witnessed were astounding-- and I can't be particularly specific here because I don't want to put any of the G:TB staff at risk for prosecution-- and I should point out that I was never directly involved in these things, in fact, maybe they didn't happen at all-- but I'm talking about daring ledge dives, risking life and limb to fix a TV aerial, arson, fisticuffs, vandalism, pumpkin chucking, drug use and moving bookshelves, high speed chases on stolen bicycles, keg filching, strudel stealing, DEA posing, projectile vomiting for fun and profit, the planting of preserved reptiles and amphibians, plenty of public nudity and hundreds of other stupid, dangerous, and very analog activities that we did to while away the time (Igor's memory on this topic is better than mine).

My hypothesis is this: if we had the internet to tool around on, we might have been a bit dumber, but we would have been a hell of a lot safer. There's a lot of discussion about how awful cyber-bullying is today, but is it worse than real bullying? Or drinking a shitload of bourbon and going out to fight townies? Or using an SUV to drag people around on a rope in a snow covered parking lot? Or whipping bottles at people? Or taking your shirt off so someone can serve a ping-pong ball at your bare chest? Maybe cyber-bullying is worse than pong-ping, but it's not worse than having to bend over and let a grown man paddle your ass with a wooden plank.

In fact (perhaps from reading all those regular books) we were too smart. We were too smart, with too much free time (when you were this smart, you didn't need to go to class) and no Facebook to occupy our time and dumb us down. So if you ventured into my fraternity, you might find someone riding a giant table up and down a hall soaked with citrus, drinking sangria out of a wok. Or tossing a flaming frozen duck off a balcony at a passerby (and remember, I was never directly involved with these incidents . . . I just happened to witness them). Or stumbling drunk out of a girl's bed, urinating in her closet, and then attempting to put on her pants. Or any number of things that our staff could probably remember and describe better than me (because I was never there). Would these things have happened if we had the internet? We'll never know, but I'm hoping my children will watch YouTube videos of people playing the "there's no reason for that" game instead of actually participating themselves.

The positive thing for the staff of G:TB is this: we can claim that we represent the last "intellectual," generation, and though we are dumbing ourselves down each and every day with our internet use here at G:TB, at least we have our traditional education to rely on as our bedrock . . . unless, of course, instead of reading books, you spent your youth watching Network Television.

Cougar 'Splosion

Great cause, cool car, hot babe. Sold. 826National, a non-profit dedicated to helping at-risk kids learn creative writing skills. - is raffling off the car you see in the picture below. (Neko Case not included).

Drawings begin on Monday. Get some.

Friday Filler: Gheorghe in Film

With tsunami-related damage, destruction, terror, and mayhem on the newsreel at the moment (fingers crossed for my aunt and uncle in Hawaii, among many others), it's time for something pertinent and appropriate. Filler!

What's your favorite Gheorghe video?

(1) All-time Romanian footballer Gheorghe Hagi, scoring and advancing...



(2) Elena Gheorghe, "Disco Romancing"...



(3) Gheorghe Zamfir, needs a pantsing...



(4) Gheorghe Muresan, just dancing...

Gheorghe Muresan Dancing - For more funny movies, click here

Cast your votes in the comments. There's a chance the ballot box may be stuffed on this one.