The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day Seven

On the seventh day of Gheorghemas 

Big Gheorghe gave to me...

Seven Weeks of Sobriety*

Six Random Items

Five Golden Auctions

Four Teams for Bitching

Three Tiny Scrappers
Two books for your Gheorghemas wish list
And a doofus to lead this country

I won’t bury the lede, though this sentence is a trip around the block before arriving. I haven’t had a beer in seven weeks and counting. 

That wouldn’t qualify as notable for many. For me, it’s practically a lifestyle change. I’ve quaffed a beer or three more days than not in recent years. It didn’t hinder my life, as I don’t operate heavy machinery or have to act responsibly in public settings. 

I enjoy beer. Ales, lagers, pilsners, micros, imports, a few darks, the occasional IPA if the edges are smoothed. There are few things I find more convivial than get-togethers with friends over beers. Even the voices in my head mostly get along when beer is involved. I view it as lubricant, not fuel. I didn’t intend to abstain or mark a dry-out period. 

A couple of things contributed. First, my wife has hip issues that severely limit her mobility. I am often her legs, running errands, getting things around the house for her, fetching takeout, cleaning, doing chores, tending to the dog, in addition to my own meager daily activities. Might I have been a little buzzed some evenings? I might. Could it have impaired me had she required significant assistance before bedtime or in the middle of the night? It could. Not ideal. 

Second, a couple months back, I woke up in the middle of the night with chest discomfort. I wouldn’t call it pain, but it was unusual and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I’ve written in this space about my heart issues. I have atrial fibrillation (an irregular heartbeat) and I had a pacemaker installed 18 months ago to regulate an abnormally low heartbeat. After I walked the dog at dawn, I woke my wife and told her something was amiss and that I would drive to the local hospital ER. I assured her I didn’t need an ambulance or medical transport, that I could carry myself. 

When I arrived and explained my situation, the nurses and orderlies hooked me up to monitors and drew blood. They said all my vital signs were good and if they didn’t know my heart history, they would have thought I was normal. Texted my wife to tell her so, and she reminded me to tell them that I had become her pool boy. When I told the nurse in charge, she essentially said, ‘Aha, there you have it.’ Even when you don’t think you’re stressed, she said, those kinds of changes and added responsibilities can manifest themselves physically. Said when stressed your stomach pumps extra acid that can work its way north into your system, particularly when you’re horizontal, and cause what feels like chest pain. 

I had been sitting up the entire time at the hospital, and the nurse asked: how have you felt the past hour or so? Fine, I said. They drew more blood to make sure the first round of results didn’t produce false readings. All good. Mystery solved. I remarked about not wanting to appear to be a hypochondriac, but they assured me that given my history I did the wise thing, annoying and inconvenient as it might be, and should do so again if it occurs. They cut me loose. 

After I got home, my wife and I talked about dialing back our alcohol consumption, for her physical condition until it can be remedied and for our health. I quit beer for a few days, which became a week, which became a second week, and another, and another. And here we are. 

*I should point out that I haven’t gone full Prohibitionist. I have a bottle of pretty fair Irish whisky and a few evenings I’ve poured a shot and sipped while reading or watching TV. Not much and not often. What can I say? I don’t do ascetic well. 

I’d like to tell you that I feel better during my beer hiatus, but I don’t know if that’s accurate. I suppose I could take satisfaction in a rare display of discipline but it feels like something I do, or don’t do, as part of the daily routine, like walking the dog or checking the mailbox. I’d like to say that cutting back on beer and booze has launched me toward some immutable truths, has provided clarity and focus. Except I’m as dim and scattered and muddled as ever. 

I sometimes wonder if the times actually lend themselves to drinking more or hooked up to a Jameson drip. Do I miss regular beer sessions? Sometimes. When I open the fridge, a handful of beers look up at me and nod imperceptibly. When I’m downstairs many times a day I pass beers on the floor patiently awaiting the trip upstairs. I’ll get to them at some point, along with beers unseen at various taverns. No telling when. We haven’t been very social of late, so there’s been no added temptation. Being the holiday season, there’s plenty of opportunity to indulge. Have one for me if you think about it. I’ll join you soon enough.

The Latest in Beer News

Around the horn in beer, because . . . Beer. It's what's for dinner.

Aggro-rocker Dave Mustaine is "looking for a new company to manufacture Megadeth Beer," according to an article on Blabbermouth.Net. Apparently a French Canadian brewery called Unibroue has produced a couple of brews in Megadeth's honor. One's called À Tout le Monde Ale, and the website says this:

This saison ale was brewed at the request of Dave Mustaine, lead singer of heavy metal band Megadeth. It uses a dry hopping technique and, to date, has the lowest alcohol content of any Unibroue beer. À Tout le Monde Ale honours the mutual passions and friendship of Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine and Unibroue’s Brewmaster Jerry Vietz.

"Lowest alcohol content" and heavy metal . . . two great tastes that go great together. À Tout le Monde, for those of you who didn't take four years of French in high school, means "to all the world," or "to everyone." How very peace and love, Dave.

They did another called Saison 13, which sounds only vaguely different than the original. The article details the red tape that has made Mustaine seek a new partner. But color me surprised that this partnership even existed.

Maybe Lars can team with a Danish brewery for something called Kærlighed og Kram. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Local Norfolk brewery SmartMouth, owned and operated by friends of mine, has been a top dog around here for the last 5-10 years. They raised a few eyebrows around here a few years back when they made a big to-do as they issued something called Saturday Morning Marshmallow IPA. 

Sounds gross, doesn't it? Eh . . . it's actually far better than I thought it would be. Details are here.

It came out in limited release form before, but it's now on tap at the brewhouses and in tall boy cans for distribution. It's worth checking out if you happen upon it, or you can just come down and hang with the Whitdog and I'll snag you some.

Here's the write-up:

If you can recall weekends of watching cartoons while you separated the colorful little marshmallows from your favorite box of cereal, then this brew is for you. We tossed pounds of marshmallows into this batch (toasting some for flavor), then added loads of citrusy and tropical, fruity hops. The result: nostalgically ridiculous.

Definitely odd.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

And finally, you probably should have figured that a Maryland brewing company would come up with this offering at some point, right?

This West Coast Double IPA packs a punch. Citrus and pine notes come together in a higher ABV beer that sneaks up on you. Though it doesn’t come from the west side of Baltimore, we feel like we should warn you……Omar’s Comin’!!

This was released last year by Smoketown Brewing in Frederick, MD, and yep, it's called Omar Comin' (Or Omar's Comin'!, depending on where it's printed. Can says the former.) 

Seems like this should be more dangerous than 8.4 ABV, even though that packs a punch. I doubt that it will take aim at unseating, say, the King of Beers, but if you do come at the king . . . well, you know.

They should shelve this one for a while at the brewery. Just to have a campaign that reads: 

“Spread the word, darling. Omar back.”

Enjoy your beer drinking escapades, and be careful out there. Until the next time...

Zymurgy Week

National Beer Day is great, but it lacks a little...length. While our petition to the organizing committee for national weeks makes its way through the vetting process, a trio of suds-related stories to tide you over.

Paste Magazine took on the daunting task of a blind tasting to determine the best American IPA. The tasting wasn't completely exhaustive, as some breweries choose not to participate in tasting competitions (we see you, The Alchemist) and others weren't able to ship product to Paste in time. Nonetheless, the tasters were able to compare 116 brews over the course of a week. A couple of my favorites made the top 10, but I've never had the top two. New quest!

In a similar vein, For the Win released a story yesterday listing the 25 beers you need to try before you die. A bit morbid for my taste, frankly, but I enjoy a challenge. (Note: I don't really enjoy a challenge all that much. I'd prefer things were just given to me.) I've tasted nine of the 25, but there's no chance I'll get through the entire list, because a number of the beers feted by the author are wit/wheat beers, saisons, and Belgians, all of which are fucking disgusting. But you do you, man, if that's your speed. More hoppy stuff for me.

Finally, in honor of Opening Day, Business Insider ran a piece this week about beer prices in Major League ballparks. The average small ballpark pour will set you back $5.98, which is actually down 11 cents from last season. The most expensive MLB tipple? Fans of the Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs, and Philadelphia Phillies all pay $7.75 per beer. On the other end of the scale, Indians and Diamondback fans can get their drink on for $4.00 per. Of note, however, Phillie fans don't actually have it as bad as it seems: the small beer at Citzens Bank Park is a robust (and league-leading) 21 ounces. The Phils are in the bottom third on a per ounce basis, checking in at $0.37/ounce. The Red Sox are the clear leaders in this category at a steep $0.65/ounce. We're number one! Gotta pay for Papi's supplements somehow.

The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day Six

On the sixth day of Gheorghemas, Big Gheorghe gave to me...



Six Beers Worth Drinking

A fiiiiifth Golden Ring..... (please?)

Four Years of Marcus;

Three Scummers Picking;

Two albums to look forward to; and

A fat guy in a jersey

I like beer. Always have. Always will. These days, though, there are so many different brews from which to choose, from crazily-hopped mega-IPAs to fruit-forward Belgians to chocolately stouts, pumpkin ales, crisp lagers, insane combinations of habanero and hops, and literally hundreds of other unique options. It's enough to drive a fellow to drink, if only he could figure out where to start.

If you're me, you let your nose be your guide, leading you to a wonderland of high-IBU ales. For your tasting pleasure, here are six beers that I particularly enjoyed this year. Your results may vary, especially if you're not a raving hophead.

Firestone Walker Wookey Jack

Though Beer Advocate describes this beer as an American Black Ale, the label tells us that it's a Black Rye IPA. I'll trust the people that market it to tell me what it is, thanks. The entire Firestone Walker IPA family (Union Jack, Double Jack, and Wookey Jack) is tasty, if a bit pricy, but Wookey adds a unique roasted malt flavor and spiciness from the rye to the IPA's hoppy character, to great effect. 

At 8.3% ABV, Wookey's got a kick. Just a couple'll make you feel all warm inside. And the Beer Advocate folks give it a 95, so it's a quality buzz, too.

Ballast Point Sculpin

My local packie just started carrying this San Diego beer this year. (I don't have a local packie, as we don't call them that here in Virginia. I just really like that description of a liquor store, so go with it. We're actually talking about Wegmans.) It's my go-to celebration quaff, because it's terrific (Beer Advocate gives it a stratospheric 98) but also because it costs $17.99 a sixer. I do okay financially, but I ain't made of bitcoins.

I'm a sucker for the SoCal IPA style, with its citrusy flavors and big hops, and Sculpin is at the very top of a competitive roster of those beers. In another year, Green Flash IPA might make it into this sextet, but I didn't get to have many of that terrific pour in 2014.

Pliny the Elder

I'd heard the stories of this Santa Rosa, CA double IPA for years - it's the stuff of beer-lovers' legend, a perfect 100 from Beer Advocate, and only available in one bar east of the Mississippi River - but I hadn't had one until a few short months ago. My wife and I traveled to California specifically to hunt down Pliny. (She thinks we went for our anniversary. Please keep this secret between us.)

As I drank it, I found it hard to separate the hype from the actual product. I knew I was supposed to love it, in order to establish my beer geek cred. And I did, truly - it's a phenomenally balanced Double, with less of the sweetness that can overwhelm many in that class of beers. It's among the best beers I've ever had, and a must-drink given the opportunity.  But it's not the best, and I didn't receive total enlightenment when I drank it.

Guess I'll need to find a Heady Topper for that.

Surly Furious

The great and wonderful Pliny isn't the best beer I've ever had, but Brooklyn Center, MN Surly Brewing Company's Furious just might be. Surly describes Furious as a hybrid of American IPA and English ESB styles, and the beer's amber color and balance of sweetness with bitterness testifies to the success of that mix. Furious starts with an incredibly smooth, sweet taste and finishes with a crisp, bitter hoppiness. 

Surly is a small, regional purveyor (though Friday's opening of a new facility in downtown Minneapolis hearkens good things for beer lovers outside the Midwest), so it's hard to find anywhere beyond Minnesota and Wisconsin. I satisfy my jones every time I travel to the Twin Cities by getting to the airport three hours before my flight home and bellying up to the bar at Ike's, which has it on tap.

Baar Goldmandli Zuger Spezial Hell

In a huge upset, and a big departure for me, I actually enjoyed a helles this year. To be sure, some of it had to do with the location, but only some of it. On a business trip to Switzerland, I drank more than a few Baar beers with my colleagues. At 5.0% ABV, it was a perfect session drink, a just dry enough to offset the sweetness that usually chases me away from that style.

Long Trail Limbo IPA 

Finally, we close with a beer that was new to me this year, but quickly became my drink of choice for weekday relaxation. I've long been partial to Long Trail, one of the finest breweries in the state of my berth, but Limbo knocked my socks off when I first tried it, drawn in by a particularly well-stacked display at Wegmans.

Technically a double IPA, Limbo represents a new direction for Long Trail, who hadn't done much in the way of IPAs previously. Brewmaster Dave Hartmann describes the beer's taste as 'kickass', and it's hard for me to quibble. If you visit me, it's a better chance than not that this is what I'll serve you. Get some, it's terrific. 

Among many other things (dipshittery, randomness, sporadic posts), this season of Gheorghe is about sharing. Let's use the comments to discuss the beers that got you through another year. Unless they're Belgians, in which case I'd rather hear about TR's polyps.

Do Better, Jelly Belly

Beer-flavored jelly beans would seem to a match made in heaven, or at least in a pretty cool place. Beer is great. Jelly beans are awesome. Together, magic.

The confectionery wizards at Jelly Belly thought so, too, with some prompting from their customers. Ambrose Lee, the company's head flavor scientist (Don't think too hard about that title. Too late? My bad.) told Fast Company, ""We go to over 500 events a year; at literally every one, someone asks us for a beer jelly bean. With the craft beer scene exploding, the timing finally seemed right."

And so Jelly Belly set out to create a beer-flavored bean, experimenting with beer styles, flavor compounds, and ingredients to develop a perfect match.

Their perfect match, as it turns out, is perfectly disappointing.

Presented with hundreds, if not thousands of styles of beer from which to choose (chocolatey stouts, grapefruity California IPAs, caramel-redolent porters, smoky, bacon-tinged rauchbiers, etc.), Jelly Belly completely whiffed.

Hefeweizen. They developed a hefeweizen-flavored jelly bean. A flavor so disgusting it needs an orange or a lemon to make it barely tolerable.

I think I'd rather eat one of Bertie Bott's earthworm-flavored beans.

They look beautiful, though.

Gheorghe: The Nanobrewery

In response to yesterday's report on the Federal Government's role in delaying the distribution of craft beer to a thirsty market, a patriotic American asked a simple question freighted with import. "Maybe it's possible for people to brew, sell, buy, and drink beer without having to ask permission from our bureaucratic betters?", he wondered.

Libertarians, beer-drinkers, and all who chafe at the heavy yoke of bureaucracy, rejoice, for salvation beckons. A team led by former Microsoft exec Bill Mitchell (at this point, aren't we all former Microsoft execs) is on the verge of marketing the PicoBrew Zymatic, "an automatic beer brewing appliance that can create an endless stream of high-quality beers".

Mitchell, whose grandfather invented Tang and Pop Rocks (!), and his brother are avid homebrewers. They started PicoBrew in 2010, frustrated with the inconsistency inherent in the home brewing process, as well as the highly labor-intensive nature of it. Their objective: create the brewer's version of the breadmaker or espresso machine.

The result is both simple to use (and more importantly, clean) and sophisticated enough to enable users to consistently recreate recipes used by the pioneers of the craft brew scene or experiment with their own. The touchscreen-controlled brewing process takes an hour, and according to PicoBrew, beer is ready to drink as soon as five days after brewing.



The PicoBrew team's Kickstarter campaign has yielded more than twice as much funding as required, and the funds will be used to initiate final production activities. I'll buy the machine, but someone else is responsible for designing the labels. And we'll need someone to distract the Feds while we ship the results to our community members outside the DC area. Probably gonna want a lawyer involved, too. I think we've got that covered.

Boston Keg Party

As a non-partisan and deeply unserious blog, we have no interest in a discussion of the various causes of the ongoing shutdown of the Federal Government. So you won't find any commentary on the abject lunacy of the wingnut rump of the GOP here. (Though, if we think about it, dipshittery is a subject with which we have some expertise.) In fact, we would've been perfectly content to ignore the entire moronic freakshow.

But then they came for our beer.

As a result of the shutdown, the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Board (TTB), a small agency within the Treasury Department, has seen its staffing significantly reduced. Among other things, the TTB processes applications for new breweries, recipes and labels. And now, it can't do any of that.

Swill-drinking mouth-breathers (this is definitely NOT a place for a parenthetical joke about correlation between Budweiser consumption and Tea Party leanings, and I wouldn't think of implying such a thing), will be unaffected by the TTB's effective closure, as mass-market brewers will still produce and distribute their standard products. But America's craft brewers, who routinely bring new seasonal and one-off products to market, are unable to do so without the TTB's approval.

Lagunitas Chief Operating Officer Todd Stevenson was quoted by the Boston Globe in a story on the issue. Per the Globe, "He said the company was planning to submit an application to package its autumn seasonal Hairy Eyeball in 22-ounce bottles instead of 12-ounce bottles but can’t move forward."

I hope you'll all join me this weekend in stocking up on your favorite craft brew and then depleting said stock. It's the least you can do for America.

Bygones, Sorrow Drowning

As another Tribe season goes the way of Bomont (no dancing - c'mon, stay with me here), we turn our attention to things with a greater likelihood of payoff. And with more universal appeal.

Attention beer fans: the annual Craft Brewers Conference descends upon Washington, DC at the end of March. Breweries from around the nation (and the world, as far as I know) come to town to show their wares and tantalize with their tipples (it's early - at least I tried, unlike our friend at Sentence of Dave).

There's an embarrassment of brewing riches headed this way, but one event in particular stands out for the G:TB family. On Friday, March 29, at Scion Restaurant, the good people of Oskar Blues Brewery host 'Dale's Dirty Dozen'. Dale himself will be in the house, offering tastes of 11 draft brews and oSKAr the G’Rauch Smoked IPA, a collaboration with Ska Brewing Company.

The event happens to coincide with the Sweet Sixteen matchups in the Midwest and South Regionals, allowing us to combine two of our passions. Great beer, March hoops? I don't see a downside.

Who knows - maybe I'll drink enough to forget the idea of comparing the 2013-14 Tribe with Ren McCormack.

Design Saturday

As I laze about in Lancaster, PA on this gloomy Saturday, I'm comforted by the fact that the globe's most talented designers are hard at work on life-affirming and work-avoiding miracles like Kebo, a one-handed bottle opener. We live in magical times, my friends.

Last Chance to Pay for Free Beer

Tickets are still available for tonight's Pints to Help Half Pints charity beer dinner at Birch & Barley in D.C. Join me, the Teej, the future Mrs. Teej, and Shlara for an evening of great suds and killer food. If this menu doesn't entice you, I fear you might not be human:

Apéritif:

Victoria 2011 -  Allagash Brewing - Maine

First:

Crudo of Hamachi

Pickled Fennel, Pomelo Beads & Mint

Beersel Mattina - Birrificio Del Ducato & Drie Fonteinen - Italy

Second:

Red Fife Ravioli

Housemade Bacon, Toasted Walnuts, Arugula & Green Peppercorns

Collaboration Not Litigation Ale - Avery Brewing & Russian River Brewing - Colorado

Third:

Grilled Ribeye of Beef

Confit Fingerlings, Black Trumpet Mushrooms & Butter-Braised Turnips

Smoke - Surly Brewing - Minnesota

Cheese:

Cave-Aged Valencay with Bergamot Marmalade

Without You I’m Nothing - Evil Twin (at Amager Bryghus) - Denmark

Pastore with Port-Glazed Figs

More Brown Than Black - Stone Brewing, The Alchemist & Ninkasi Brewing - California

Cave-Aged Colston Bassett Stilton with Honeyed Walnuts

Calva Reserva 2010 – Brouwerij ‘t Smisje - Belgium

Dessert:

Chocolate Peanut Butter Parfait, peanut crunch ice cream, chocolate curl

Backwoods Bastard 2011 – Founders Brewing Company – Michigan

Digestif:

Idjit! -  Dugges Ale & Porterbryggeri - Sweden

Executive Chef – Kyle Bailey

Pastry Chef – Tiffany MacIsaac

Beer Director – Greg Engert

G:TB Kickstart of the Week*

For those unfamiliar with Kickstarter, think of it as a dating service for artists and creators trying to raise funds to complete projects. Since it launched in April 2009, Kickstarter has helped people raise more than $100 million from more than 1 million individual donors, funding films, design projects, artwork, music, and a broad range of other creative efforts. When we finally get around to Gheorghe: the Book, we plan to use Kickstarter to help us pay for an actual writer.

In the first installment of G:TB's Kickstart of the Week, we celebrate Aaron Torres, a slightly nervous-seeming young filmmaker from Michigan who's seeking $1,000 to help him travel around his home state and interview people about beer. Nobler efforts are hard to find in this day and age. Help the young man out, won't you?

 

* Week, month, whenever. Duh.

Now you can spit hot fiyah just like Ghostface!

Are you an aspiring MC who's just an average joe with average flow doing average things with average hos? Is your sword solid as opposed to liquid? When you throw your darts do you miss the target? Do you lack the skills to pay the bills? Are you stuck on Laffy Taffy? Twisted Pine Brewing company has the cure for what ails (ales?) you. They will release their latest beer, Ghost Face Killah (not Ghostface Killah), on May 5th. I don't know if GFK greenlighted this product, but if you drink it you will be able to spit hot fiyah just like Pretty Toney himself.



And I mean that you will literally spit hot fire. According to their website:

GFK is brewed with 6 zany peppers. Anaheim, Fresno, Jalapeno, Serrano, Habanero and Bhut Jolokia – Otherwise known as the Ghost Pepper. 200 times the heat of jalapenos, Bhut Jolokia are the hottest peppers in the world, a pepper so hot it can be weaponized. So hot that our brewers had to wear masks and gloves to cut them up.

Which provides the perfect segue into this mashup of "Cutting It Up" with The Harvey Averne Dozen's cover of "The Word".