Merry Christmas to All

and Have a Happy New Year too. I am off to the land of Magnum P.I. and cheesy Adam Sandler romantic comedies, with a nice 15 hour layover in Gil Grissom's hood. I've got the Sunblock 3000 packed and am ready to hit the beach fully clothed, looking like a suspect out of a "Law and Order: SVU" episode. I'm not sure I'm ready to be watching big time football games at 9am (or earlier), but I'll sure as hell give it a shot.

As a public service to lunatic Redskins fans out there...

(Courtesy of SportsTalk 980)

The Redskins can make the playoffs if...
Step 1: They win their final two games and...
Step 2: Carolina, New Orleans, and the N.Y. Giants lose at least once and...
Step 3: Either St. Louis loses to Philadelphia next Monday Night or Seattle loses its final two games.

*Note 1- The only two teams the Redskins would lose head-to-head wildcard tiebreakers with (at 7-9) are the Giants (because of a worse division record/Giants would be 3-3 versus the Skins at 2-4) and St. Louis if the Rams beat Philadelphia and lost to the Jets (because while the Rams and Skins would have identical conference records, the Rams would have a better record against common opponents).
**Note 2- There are two scenarios where the Redskins can be eliminated this week, even with a win in Dallas. They are as follows: a) if New Orleans and Carolina both win or b) if the Rams and Seattle both win...
***Note 3- There is a scenario where the Redskins can be in a “control their own destiny” situation going into the final week against Minnesota. That scenario is as follows: Redskins beat Dallas and New Orleans, Carolina, N.Y. Giants, and St. Louis all lose this weekend. If that happens, the Redskins would only need to beat Minnesota in the finale to clinch the NFC’s #6 spot.
****Note 4- If the Redskins advance to the playoffs…they would be the NFC’s #6-seed and would play at the #3-seed in the first round…the #3-seed will be the NFC North Champ…either Green Bay or Minnesota. By the way, there is no chance for the Redskins to grab the #5 spot.
*****Note 5- The Redskins are eliminated with a loss.

Norv Turner, Captain of the Titanic

Oakland Raiders cornerback Charles Woodson and safety Marques Anderson were arrested early Monday morning by Oakland police for public intoxication, the Oakland police department confirmed to ESPN.
Woodson and Anderson were taken into custody at approximately 4:20 a.m. (local time), when a female driving a car with both men as passengers waved down a police officer, according to the police report. The female told the officer that the two men in the back seat had refused to get out of her car.
The police officer found that Woodson and Anderson "smelled of alcohol with bloodshot eyes" and asked them to step out of the car, according to Danielle Ashford, public information officer for the Oakland PD.

Now why oh why would they have bloodshot eyes at 4:20am?

Moving right along...
-T.O. is most likely done for the year. That's a crying shame, to have something like that happen to such a nice guy. The Iggles are so done it's not even funny.
- I saw more guys fumble at the goal line yesterday than I ever have in one day's worth of highlights. Good lord fellas, hold onto the ball.
- Apparently Dan Marino is mentoring Rick Majerus on how to take a job and not really mean it. Great work fatty.
- Speaking of Dan Marino, I'm looking for Ray Finkle...and a clean pair of shorts.
- From today's New York Post:
"We'd like to add a piece right now," Nets GM Ed Stefanski said. "We have to research and explore for a big man but there's no name awaiting us." Some are longshots, such as free agent Jerome Moiso; some are virtually impossible to get, such as Washington's Kwame Brown; some hold little appeal for the Nets, such as Houston's Maurice Taylor. Toronto's Donyell Marshall is a name the Nets will explore even though he's a free agent this summer.
OK look at the bolded sentence. Two questions here - (1) How much do the Nets suck? and (2) How much do the guys on this list suck? What does it tell you about the quest for size in the NBA that Jerome Moiso is a longshot pick up, and Kwame Brown is untouchable? Kwame Brown, untouchable? You have got to be kidding me.

What, no fava beans and a nice chianti?

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - A Mexican man killed his lover in a drunken, drugged fight then cooked the man's body in tomato and onion sauce and ate it over three days.
Police found Gumaro de Dios Arias grilling rotting human flesh for his breakfast, including part of a heart, when they raided a shack he lived in near the Caribbean beach resort of Playa del Carmen, a police chief said on Wednesday.

Yet another reason why Mexico is the worst place on earth.

I'll take "Triple Bypass" for $400 Alex

Deep-fried Mars bar taking Scotland by storm
Thu Dec 16, 9:45 AM ET
PARIS (AFP) - The deep-fried Mars bar, a nutritionist's nightmare that surfaced in Scotland about a decade ago, is now an established part of the Scottish culinary scene, according to a letter published in The Lancet.
Dipped in batter and then cooked in hot oil, the Mars bar is now on sale in more than a fifth of Scotland's 627 fish-and-chip shops, it says.

Now I don't know much about the Scottish culinary experience, but is this like telling me I could go to Long John Silver's and get my 2 Fish & 3 Chicken Planks (add 12 hushpuppies) meal with a deep-fried Mars bar on the side? If so, where do I sign up?

Don't buy those season tickets just yet

Huge shocker, there could be yet another wrench in the plans to bring baseball to DC. This Linda Cropp woman is really starting to get on my nerves. I fully expect some kind of rant out of Whitney by lunchtime, be it here or at MLC.

MLB expected to reject ballpark financing plan
WASHINGTON -- Baseball fans in the nation's capital might not have long to cheer their new team.
The District of Columbia Council voted 7-6 Tuesday night to approve legislation that would finance construction of a ballpark. But it contained a provision that could cause the baseball commissioner's office to reopen the search for a long-term home for the franchise.
The legislation was amended to require private financing for at least half the stadium construction costs, a provision not contained in the September agreement between baseball and Washington Mayor Anthony A. Williams.

And the anti-christ Cropp had this to say:
"I am not trying to kill the deal," said council chair Linda W. Cropp, who introduced the private financing measure. "I'm putting some teeth in it because I'm really disappointed with what I got from Major League Baseball."

Silent Night, Wasted Night

Having used up all my pain-free hangovers sometime in 1998, it has taken me almost 48 hours to recover from yet another fantastic Santa Stumble. Who knew dressing up like Santa and getting absolutely hammered was such a good time? (well, for one, GTB contributor Whitney)

A quick peek at the NBA standings shows the Washington Wizards owning the second best record in the atrocious Eastern Conference. The Wiz had a 2-0 weekend beating Atlantic Division “leader” NY (10-10 on the season) and the absolutely brutal New Orleans Hornets (1-18 on the season). I mean, the Hornets couldn’t beat Lumpless Gravy at this point. Case of Coors Light here I come.

Christmas came early for the Baltimore Ravens and Kyle Boller yesterday, courtesy of the NY Giants. Good lord, the Giants made Boller look like Johnny Unitas for 3 hours.

OK, can all the Redskins playoff talk stop now? Please? And can someone please ask Patrick “Headache Smith” Ramsey if he’s tanking games on purpose?

Wow, that Browns offense is good. Thank goodness Terry Robiskie is such a leader of men, or else they would really be in trouble.

Hey Jake Plummer, nice salute yesterday. Too bad it was picked off before it ever reached the stands (yeah I know, how many people haven’t made done that joke today?)

If the season ended today, the Panthers are in the playoffs. Read that sentence again. The once 1-7 Carolina Panthers are blazing towards the playoffs, riding the play of Nick “Comings and” Goings and Muhsin “Seriously, I am not a terrorist” Muhammad. Double wow.

I’m getting a real sinking feeling that the Jets and the Bills are going to end the season with the exact same record (where’s that tiebreaker breakdown when you need it). It is good though to see that Herm Edwards and Mike Tice apparently chat during the season, and these chats involve talk of how WR/RB option passes are a great way to win a game/miss the playoffs/get your ass fired. Good work fellas.

Kobe Bryant is pissed because he says Karl Malone made a pass at his wife. First of all, no chance that happened – Karl Malone hasn’t thrown a pass in 8 years (I know, almost as bad as the Plummer crack). Second, is this coming from the guy who tagged a crazy chick in the ass? I thought so. Kobe, shut your piehole.

And finally, this heartwarming tale:
JACKSONVILLE, FL -- When most parents have a baby, they spend months dreaming about what their bundle of joy will look like. Will she look like mom? Will he have dad's eyes? But for one local Navy family, the birth of their daughter didn't give them the answers to those questions. Their daughter was born without a face.

I mean, what??? Huh??? I’m gonna need a moment.

Tribe Pride Part Deux

That Hot Shots! Part Deux sure was a kneeslapper wasn't it? I still wish it had used it's original title, Hot Shots 2! The Exploitation. It has a better ring to it (and no I did not just make that up). Anyway, from what I can tell, tonight will be the biggest athletic event in William and Mary history, and in case you haven't figured it out yet, Tribe Pride flows through my body (the exit pools are too close to confirm yet if Miller Lites are flowing at this moment). Turn to ESPN2 tonight at 7pm and watch Lang Campbell and the Tribe take it to JMU. Look for Jerry in full Colonial garb complete with fife and drum. Look for Dewey taking guys out in the stands like Seagal in Above the Law. Look for Greg...oh hell, who knows what Greg will be up to...

Kwame Brown has been suspended for tonight's game because he refused to join the huddle during Wednesday's game against Denver. Can you blame him? I watched Ricky Davis be absolutely enthralled by drunks on tricycles and jackasses in costumes shooting t-shirts into the stands. That's definitely more entertaining to Kwame than listening to Eddie Jordan explain the Princeton offense. I am trying to compile the list in my head (and I'm struggling)...is he the worst #1 pick ever? By far? Where does Kandi Man rank on this list? Is Joe "Common Name, Uncommon Game" Smith high up on this list? Is there a limit to questions that can be asked in one paragraph?

Great UMass/UConn game last night. Just another reason why I absolutely love college basketball. But for anyone who watched the game - what the hell was the kid Freeman doing after he made the game winner? He made the shot, then turned and ran into his bench and started jumping up and down. Meanwhile, there's 4.3 seconds left on the clock and UConn takes it the length of the court, only to barely miss a winning 3. I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure basketball is meant to be played 5-on-5, especially with the game on the line.

You know what... that doesn't work for me. I gotta have more cowbell!! (and yes, the Miller Lites might be creeping)

Van McCoy wants me to do The Hustle. Should I?

I don't think this poor guy will ever fade into Bolivian

Iron Mike was apparently at it again. I mean, this stuff writes itself. From the Smoking Gun:

The troubled ex-heavyweight champion allegedly got liquored up last month and damaged a car in a bizarre incident outside an Arizona nightclub. According to a Scottsdale Police Department report, after departing the Pussycat Lounge at 12:45 AM, an inebriated Tyson jumped on the hood of a stranger's car, causing about $1500 in damage (the boozy boxer/hood ornament was yelling at driver Asaf Alikadic while perched on his hands and knees on top of the 1999 Toyota Solara).

I will leave you today with a few Tyson classics:
“He called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”
"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."
"It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."

His name is Verbal. Verbal Kint.

Man it's good to be back. I won't bore you with the details of my week long hiatus, let's just say I could use a beer or twenty. What's with the title you say? Well, my right hand is about as useful as Verbal's right now, and has been since last Friday morning. I've called Kevin Brown a douchebag many times in this space, but at least that guy makes millions of dollars while punching walls. Me, I punch my fridge in frustration of a bad Brita pour, and I'm too cheap to even go to my shitty HMO to see if it's broken (I'm pretty sure it is - yet another reason to start drinking). I am getting pretty sick of putting my hand in a bowl full of ice/water every night. OK, you're bored with this - lucky for you I've had a lot of time to think in the last six days...

Let's first address the post below from Mr. Laster. Now, I have no reason to root for the Washington Wizards, but what the hell, let's make this interesting. The Eastern Conference is a bigger joke than UPN's Primetime lineup. The Wizards will make the playoffs. Case of Coors Light/PBR on the line. Whit, you in?

Speaking of the NBA, the Seattle Supersonics are 16-3? These guys have the best record in the Association (thanks David Aldridge)? Vladimir Radmanovic is a averaging 12 a game. Wow. OK, forget that aberration, let's look at the New Orleans Hornets: 1-16. These clowns already have two 8 game losing streaks (take a quick look at the record and mull that one over). Can we just get Jim Haslett and Byron Scott to swap positions? Would anyone notice?

The Wheelhouse guys addressed this, but Oklahoma State has a kid named JamesOn Curry on the team. Not Jameson - James On. I mean, Come On. I thought Anfernee was a disgrace - James On is off the charts. He easily surpasses Diamond Ferri as the best name in big time 1-A athletics.

The Jets have a huge game against Pittsburgh this week. Mad Dog Chris Russo is convinced it will be a Jets W. In a related note, if you ever need an athlete to mangle multiple sports cliches in a 7 minute interview, make sure Santana Moss is on the top of your list.

Any team that loses 27-0 to Tampa Bay and 56-10 to Kansas City (sprinkle in the 17-10 loss to powerhouse Detroit) is not Super Bowl bound...yes, that means you Jim Mora Jr. and Michael Vick.

Feliz Navidad. Apparently, in Rio de Janeiro, Santa Claus brings schoolchildren bags of marijuana. I hope the cartels don't find out about this.

You know, I'm not a huge fan of Lenny Kravitz, but running on stage and shooting him 6 times at point blank range never really occurred to me. Maybe I'm in the minority here.

I had forgotten this gem, but my cousin Douglas married a girl named Nicole a few years back. Her maiden name: Brown. Wait for it...yep, Nicole Brown. I asked her Monday night if she was concerned that O.J. might pull a Terminator/Sarah Connor routine and come after her too. The look in her eye, combined with the stunned silence, said it all.

Jerry isn't going to like to hear this, but every damn highway in New Jersey is a major clusterfuck. How the hell do people move through that state? The only bonus is New Jersey is prime real estate for rousing games of "Waterball". Speaking of highways, the state of Delaware has the audacity to basically charge $1 per mile traveled in the state. Am I missing something? Is it hard to maintain 7 miles of highway? Put Kramer on it, he seemed pretty capable.

If someone has the home address of the lady who sings "Christmas Eve in Washington", shoot me an email. I'd like to send her a letter bomb.

Frankly, the bumps on Adult Swim freak me out.

Don't Look Now . . .

. . . but your mighty Washington Wizards are 10-5, which is the second best record in the (decidedly flimsy) Eastern Conference by just a half-game. They are playing together like a team for the first time since the dog days of the honky-laden '93-'94 season, and everyone's playing up to or above their natural ability. Ah, but here's the thing.

These are the Wizards. The Bullets. Les Boulez. The Land of Gheorghe. A cursed franchise if there ever was one, except that there's no anecdote of lore to go with the curse. No Bambino, no goat, no Rocky Colavito, no nothing, unless you count the Curse of Wes Unseld. Big Wes helped win the Bullets' only title and helped ensure they'd keep bringing that championship up every year by managing the franchise like I manage my finances.

Hear me now and believe me later: even with as well as they are playing now (I can even stomach watching them), even with as terribly weak as the conference is, the Washington Wizards will not make the playoffs. A bad injury or two, a bad trade or two, and overall mismanagement will be their undoing. Again.

Jeremy's Whopper

As TJ mentioned, it's out that Jason Giambi used steroids, and no, nobody's surprised. But there was a shocking revelation in the segment. Apparently Jason's brother Jeremy Giambi also admitted to using performance-enhancing steroids. This blows my mind. Jeremy Giambi, whose claim to fame (other than being Jason Giambi's brother) is being the guy whose baserunning blunder enabled Derek Jeter to make The Play several years aso, was last seen being kicked to the curb with his .197 average by the Boston Red Sox before their title run in 2004. If he started commenting in this space, he'd be the second-best hitting Jeremy here. I'm thinking he should be prosecuted for perjuring himself when he claimed to have taken steroids.

Jeremy Giambi: "I injected banned drugs I received from Greg Anderson."
Prosecuting Attorney: "No, you didn't."
JG: "Really, I admit it."
PA: "Just stop it. You did not."

He should surely be Exhibit A in Barry Bonds' defense: Look at that guy, he took the same stuff and sucked, so why should I have an asterisk next to every record I set? It's the same principle the Yankees use in defending their unfair payroll advantage -- just look at the Mets, they spend a lot of money and still suck. Unfortunately, both arguments belie an unfairness that makes them all cheaters. Which, true or not, is fun to say.

Tribe Pride

Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) - William & Mary quarterback Lang Campbell, Appalachian State wide receiver DaVon Fowlkes and Sam Houston State quarterback Dustin Long have been selected as the top three finalists for the 2004 Walter Payton Award, which will be presented at the 18th Annual I-AA College Football Awards in Chattanooga, TN, on Dec. 16th.
Campbell, a senior from Winchester, VA, threw for 3,037 yards with 21 touchdowns and just one interception during the regular season, and also ran for 201 yards and seven scores. Campbell won Atlantic 10 Offensive Player of the Year honors for his efforts. He helped guide the Tribe to a share of the Atlantic 10 title and the conference’s automatic berth in the I-AA playoffs, where the Tribe won in the first round against Hampton, 42-35, Saturday. Campbell and William & Mary will face Delaware in a quarterfinal matchup this Saturday.

In my completely biased opinion, he should win this in a landslide. Some notable other winners of the Payton Award:
2002 Tony Romo, QB Eastern Illinois
2001 Brian Westbrook, RB Villanova
1999 Adrian Peterson, RB Georgia Southern
1998 Jerry Azumah, RB New Hampshire
1997 Brian Finneran, WR Villanova
1994 Steve McNair, QB Alcorn State
1989 John Friesz, QB Idaho
1988 Dave Meggett, RB Towson

"Wake"-Up Call for College Hoops #1

I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself. Tough loss for Wake Forest last night, getting absolutely run out of the gym by the Fighting Illini. I don't think Wake could've guarded Patrick Dennehy last night.

Speaking of college basketball, what ever happened to Lodrick and Rodrick Stewart, the supposed Rainier Beach Superstars (oh yeah, fun quiz, take a guess which one is left-handed and which is right-handed)?

I am a huge fan of Christmas, and I am a huge fan of Christmas music (thank you 97.1 WASH FM), but I swear to god I might kill someone if I hear that horrendously awful "Christmas Eve in Washington" song one more time. Go away lady.

From the "Elaine Benes Get Out!" file, apparently Jason Giambi admitted to using steroids. No way, I don't believe you. Next you're going to tell me OJ Simpson actually did kill his wife (and that other guy).

I can't tell who has the bigger hard-on for the NBA, SportsGuy or Eric Neel?

The worst of all condiments is mayonnaise. Hands down. (Sorry, I seemed to be channeling Larry King for a moment)

Further proof that I am a terrible gambler

Duke 81, Michigan State 74. If it weren't for Wisconsin, the Big Ten would be getting swept five games into this so called ACC/Big Ten Challenge. Speaking of Wisconsin, guard Boo Wade has left the team indefinitely. Try as they might, Scout, Jem and Atticus could not convince him to stay.

So Brilliant, I Wish I'd Thought of It

This might sound crazy, but hear me out. I think Gary Bettman's very quietly planning one of the most fiendishly clever marketing ploys in the history of professional sports. He, like all adult males in the Northern Hemisphere, understands that regular season NHL hockey is only slightly more interesting than watching a 'Murder She Wrote' marathon on the Oxygen network. He also understands that playoff NHL hockey, and more specifically overtime playoff hockey, is one of the most thrilling spectator events known to man.

So, be not surprised when Bettman announces (at halftime of the Kobe/Shaq Xmas afternoon tilt - I cannot believe T.J. hasn't mentioned this yet) that the NHL will in fact return this season, only in the form of a 16-team, overtime-only, best-of-7 tournament. Everybody wins - the league, because they get to market the only good thing they've got going; the players, because they get to stop shaving again for a few weeks; the fans, because, well, because it's overtime playoff hockey, dammit; and Gary Thorne, Bill Clement, Barry Melrose, and the Moose Jaw Mullet Factory because they get to be gainfully employed for at least a few weeks.

Genius, I'm telling you. Now if I could only get those morons at the BCS to return my calls.

Lifetime: Television for Idiots

The MNF game barely kept me entertained last night, but a few things stuck out:
- Besides being known as the guy Warren Sapp absolutely blindsided/pancaked, isn't Chad Clifton Andy Kauffman's alter ego on stage?
- OK, come on R-Kal Truluck, what's your real name? He's gotta be the pride of SUNY Cortland.
- Didn't Steven Seagal kill Al Harris and, in a shocking plot twist (wink, wink), his evil twin at the end of Marked for Death?

ACC/Big Ten Challenge continues tonight with 4 games. Look for Michigan State to go on the road and upset a thin and overrated (in my humble opinion) Duke squad tonight. And look for me to quickly delete that sentence tomorrow morning if Duke wins by 30.

Ty Willingham got canned today. If you listen hard enough, you can hear Ralph Wiley ranting from six feet under, and if Jason Whitlock can clean the Funyon and Twinkie crumbs off his keyboard, I give it 18 hours before his first pro-Ty article is posted. Hell, Stephen A. Smith just polished off a 1,500 word column for tomorrow's Philadelphia Inquirer, complete with references to Denny Green, Dolemite, and Greg Anthony's mother.

Man does work suck after a 5 day weekend

Was I in a food coma, or is Barry Pepper (a sublime Roger Maris) playing Dale Earnhardt in ESPN's "3"? I could've sworn the first time ESPN trotted out these commercials (4 months ago), George Eads from CSI was playing Earnhardt. Did they dump his ass and re-film the movie? Am I crazy? Does anyone either know what I'm talking about or care? Bueller...Bueller...

If you're looking for a good laugh on this Monday morning, check out this quote from Ricky Williams, pulled from Peter King's MMQB:
"At least I quit before all the fantasy drafts. Let's face it: If I'd quit after the drafts, the fans would all hate me." -- Ricky Williams, talking to SI.com's Mike Silver.

GTB's "Gheorghe of the Week" - Let's give it to Syracuse "back-up" RB "Neil" Diamond Ferri (CFB Name of the Year?), who absolutely dropped the hammer on Boston College Saturday. Ferri is actually the Cuse's starting SS, and when pressed into action Saturday at RB, he ran for 140 yards, 2 scores, and even threw in an interception return for a TD in the 43-17 throttling of the Eagles (and yes, because I was at home in lovely Latham, NY, I saw every minute of this game). Syracuse Coach Paul Pasqualoni said the kid was on the field for 125 snaps (and he might've saved Paul's job in the process). Well done Diamond. Well done.

The NHL? What's that? If you were curious what you're favorite hockey player is up to, a couple of updates for you: Darren McCarty is touring with his Detroit-based rock band, Grinder. If you're in Sault Ste. Marie Friday night maybe you can catch them. Chris Chelios is now a member of the Greek bobsled team. I didn't make that up. Seriously.

My only reader west of the Mississippi (in Eugene, OR no less) will be very disappointed to learn that the customers at the Latham Farms McDonald's now make the "cast" of Cops look like Mensa members. There apparently is also a new hiring policy requiring two front teeth to be missing on all cashiers (must be a Christmas season thing). The Union Station McD's now has some competition for worst McDonald's in the United States.

Whit (and Jerry), enjoy the Pedro Martinez Era at Shea.

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly

Thanksgiving ahoy. Enjoy the much needed days off, and obscene amounts of food...

Just over a year ago, Rob Russell started this blog, giving himself something to do in the baseball offseason, and thankfully giving me something to do other than ponder suicide at work. In honor of Thanksgiving, a thank you to Ye Ole Red Sox Fan, and a brief GTB history lesson. (I mean, is this as bad as those sitcom flashback episodes? Hmm, perhaps...) In light of the Malice at the Palace and the Clemson/South Carolina melee, sports are taking a beating in both the media and the court (and gridiron) of public opinion. That's why we need Gheorghe, or at least more like him. I'll let Rob take this (this post was written just over a year ago)...

"Mission Statement, or What's a Gheorghe, and Why Should I Care?

I don't trust anyone that can't laugh at himself. I think that Crash Davis was dead on, right up until he started talking about Susan Sontag, at which point I tuned out. I'm hopelessly addicted to the Boston Red Sox, even though I know it's not good for me. I believe that sports, like society at large, is full of self-important, egomaniacal windbags at all levels, and I intend to use this space to tilt at the windmills that threaten to suck all of the joy out of the things that I love.

This space is named, with love, for the most fun athlete ever to draw a paycheck from a professional franchise. Gheorghe Muresan, late of the Washington Bullets and New Jersey Nets, stood 7'7" and weighed 330+ pounds. He shuffled around a basketball court like a slightly more mobile version of Frankenstein's monster, with a splay-footed gait and elbows and knees that flailed about as if independently operated. His face was a Mr. Potato Head set gone bad, with a massive, bulbous nose, thick eyebrows, and a prominent forehead that betrayed his pituitary disease. He played a handful of NBA seasons with a modicum of success, being honored as the NBA's Most Improved Player in 1997-98. Most importantly, though, he played basketball and approached life with a pure, unadulterated joy that was, and is, unmatched by any other professional athlete.

Gheorghe's spirit and the joy with which he appears to approach life offer lessons for all of us about the important things. This space will celebrate those in sports and elsewhere that live with Gheorgheness, and skewer those that think they are more important than the game - be it sports or life. Gheorghe: The Internet Magazine, had a brief, meteoric run several years ago, flaming to earth in a blaze of apathy amidst rampant rumors of financial mismanagement. Gheorghe: The Blog rises like a phoenix from the ashes, or at least like a Weeble, to carry on the Gheorghian mission.

GTB's diminutive wordsmith continues with examples...
To borrow - liberally - from a much more accomplished man, I can't define Gheorgheness, but I know it when I see it. Jon Stewart's got a whole heaping mound of Gheorgheness. Dan Snyder (or, as he'll come to be known in this space, Little Danny Starfucker) is the antithesis of Gheorghe. John Riggins has a PhD in Gheorgheness. George Will is a George, but not a Gheorghe. Yao's a little bit Gheorghy, but Kobe's not. Kevin Millar teaches Gheorghe 101 in Boston, but Roger Clemens flunked out of the course. Emeril Lagasse seems to know which wine goes best with Gheorghe. Mark Cuban's thinking about making Gheorghe an honorary Maverick.

I can't think of a single politician with Gheorgheness, though Dennis Kucinich is really funny-looking. Stewart Scott aspires to Gheorgheness, but he's so fake that he can't pull it off. Rich Eisen can, though. Too bad he's dead. Well, taken a job at the NFL Network - 6 one, 1/2 dozen the other. Dennis Miller used to be chock full of hearty Gheorgheness, then he took a hard right turn and became a caricature. Michael Moore is so far from Gheorghe that he might as well be a short, fat, humorless troll. Oh. That simile ran smack into the wall of reality, didn't it?

Jack Black is the high priest of Gheorghe, attended by his happy alcolyte, Jeremy Piven. But not by John Favreau, David Spade, or Colin Quinn. The Kids in the Hall gaily genuflect to Gheorghe while they get Girl Drink Drunk. Sting's got more anti-Gheorghe in his pinky than Bruce Springsteen does in his whole family, though, to be sure, I still like both of their music. And speaking of music, the Wiggles are thinking about making Gheorghe a new recurring character - Greg will pull him out of the magic hat."

Why the hell am I posting all this now? Is it because I wanted to post something before the long holiday weekend and was completely bereft of original thoughts? Quite possibly. However, I also felt it might be time to start highlighting the Gheorgheness (damn that's a pain in the ass to spell) in the world, be it sports or anything else. Sounds like a good plan, no? (I mean, there's no chance I can stick to it, but what the hell)

I Don't Want Your Life

Protester causes melee at DC baseball name unveiling

Mon Nov 22 2004 13:00:00 ET

Baseball's big party got thrown a curveball before it even began. Officials from the sports world and the city government were in Union Station today to confirm what was already widely known -- that the Expos are being re-named the Washington Nationals. But before the media event got underway, D-C Statehood Green Party member Adam Eidinger jumped onto the stage holding a sign protesting Mayor Tony Williams' planned stadium deal. Eidinger was jumped by several men, including former Washington Senators announcer Charlie Brotman. A tussle ensued, and the podium nearly fell over, before security managed to drag Eidinger off stage.

Can't we all just get along?

It could be worse, his first name could be Kermit

So Ron Artest went and got himself suspended for the rest of the season, 73 games I think. I have nothing of substance to add, except that Ron just ended up killing my fantasy team. A 5th round steal, I drafted Ron to team up with such mental heavyweights as Gilbert Arenas, Bonzi Wells, and Zach Randolph. Artest was going to be the stabilizer. Now the team has no leader. It's a good thing I could care less about this league. That still won't stop me from bitching though.

Can I get a restock on Soap Boxes in Aisle 4?

Wow, if people thought the T.O. MNF skit garnered alot of attention, man are they in for a long fortnight. That Pacers/Pistons fiasco last night is going to get beaten to death by the media. I've watched alot of sports in my life, and that is by far the most ridiculous fight I have ever seen. Unreal.

(Quick aside - Nice of the South Carolina players to send Lou Holtz off in style. Good work fellas, Lou seemed mighty proud after the game.)

Food for Thought

Has anyone noticed that TJ Simspon just hasn't been the same carefree blogger since sometime in late October? Something changed him irreversibly. He's grown up and become a more responsible, serious, and unfortunately for Gheorghe, cyncial man. The rite of passage I speak of is, of course, his Yankees getting demoralized in a way we will likely never see any baseball franchise be demoralized ever again. That event seems to have wiped out the cheery spark that infiltrated every one of TJ's posts. He just isn't the same guy.

Oh, yeah, and he got engaged then, too. But I tend to think it's the Yankee thing.

The wheels on the bus go Garth, Garth, Garth

Now that, folks, is a joke for 2, back left, right by the kitchen. Menus please.

For my money, there is no better sitcom Thanksgiving episode than WKRP in Cincinnati's immortal "Turkey's Away" episode. Putting aside Gordon Jump's later role as a "very bad toucher" on Different Strokes, there is nothing funnier than Big Guy Carlson delivering the line "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly".

Is there any reason the Arizona Wildcats shouldn't immediately be absorbed by the NBA? Have you seen these guys play? This is the most athletically gifted and mentally challenged group south of the Blazers.

The 'Cuse looked great in the second half last night. Just wait until they have to enter the hallowed halls of the Pepsi "Don't Call Me Knickerbocker" Arena to play the Siena Saints in a week. Game on.

"Sister Christian" by Night Ranger, or "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake?

I saw a great bumper sticker yesterday - WWBBJD - What Would Big Baby Jesus Do?
(OK, I made that last one up)

McBad, and very McLate

I guess I'm both ripping off the SportsGuy's Daily Link column and trying to pretend I have readers, but anyway, a few thought provoking items have been sent via electronic mail to me lately...

Hell, if the Reunion tour can't work, training to be a paramedic is obviously the logical next step. Thanks to Nashville's only Black Sabbath fan for the tale of Diamond Dave becoming Defibrillator Dave .

Feel's like a Hardee's night? Well, if you're feeling mighty ambitious (and perhaps suicidal), try Steve's favorite snack, the "Monster Thickburger" - two 1/3-pound slabs of Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun - for only $5.49. This sold it for me:
In an interview on CNBC, Hardee's chief executive Andrew Puzder was unapologetic, saying the company's latest sandwich is "not a burger for tree-huggers."

For the record, I have absolutely, positively no desire to see Pedro Martinez as a New York Yankee, and I hope to god someone still has the power to keep George from signing him.

His name is Robert Paulson

Actually, I lied. His name is Steve Spurrier, and he is the new head football coach for the South Carolina Gamecocks. Steve, try not to trip over Lou Holtz's corpse on the way to your new office.

Is that Laron Profit's music?

The Wiz and Celts provided some quality entertainment last evening. Hated to see a Wiz victory in OT, but it is safe to say the Celtics have the worst shot selection of any team in the NBA. It was good to see that Tommy Googs is still alive, though his game is not. Ricky Davis, the huddle is this way pal, stop watching the Wiz dancers and wasted dudes on tricycles during time outs.

The highlight of the night though was seeing this blog's namesake sitting courtside. His face didn't even fit on the Jumbotron. Seriously. Gheorghe is the best.

Nice Sports Town for Us

Washingtonpost.com is running a brutal poll on its site asking voters to select which pro team will win the next championship in Washington. The obvious choice is the D.C.United, who picked up another MLS trophy yesterday, though only 55.6% of the 20,000+ voters targeted the United. Somehow, 43.9% (9,180 votes) believe the Caps will bring home the next title. Yes, that'd be the Washington Capitals, who may never play another game again. Beyond that, it's comical enough to make me think the numbers are screwed up. The Skins, despite playing in the parity-filled, up-and-down NFL, garnered just 39 votes (0.2%), probably because it's fresh in people's minds how awful they are, plus the Curse of Snyder. The Expos/Nationals received 33 votes, which seems optimistic in this era of baseball economics. The Mystics got 24 votes, which pretty much mirrors the number of fans at the last Mystics game. And then there are the Wizards . . . 6 votes, a Blutarsky-like percentage of 0.0. It's funny 'cause it's true, to quote a certain H. Simpson from Springfield.

Shortest post ever

R.I.P. O.D.B.

No the white phone

Attention Mike Swint: The McRib is back. I repeat, the McRib is back.

Why was Chuck Amato dressed like Starsky last night?

Hey Pierce Brosnan, saw your preview last night, and it looked OK. Unfortunately, I already saw it the first time, when it was called The Thomas Crown Affair (a very good, very underrated movie by the way).
That last barb was written by guest blogger David Spade.

The O.C. now just steals porn scenes? How fast can we rid ourselves of this lawn boy? How quickly can Whitney post a comment ripping the O.C.?

Quick show of hands - Who else liked Mr. Belvedere?

Um, we have the TV on at work right now, and if you haven't seen the absolute mob scene (and I do mean mob) over Arafat's body, find a way to see these pictures. Worst funeral procession ever.

Gee, who do you think has the edge in the Michael Jackson/Eminem war of words?

Bad Idea Jeans

Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, "When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?"...

Yep, you guessed it, expansion has come to Gheorghe. I've added a few links to the right, an eccentric group if ever there was one. Greg, so far, has Duffman saying very little. Whitney apparently doesn't have enough free time at work, so he waxes poetic about bands I've never heard of. Ah yes, and finally, Yoni, welcome aboard. Keep the college hoops coming, and how about an occasional "Billy Packer Sucks" post. That would be super. Hell, what's Chandy's blog? I'll throw her on here as well.

I'm so pissed I could kill someone

I am not a big fan of Blogger deleting very long posts I have just written. Speaking of killing someone...I haven't really touched on this yet because I'm not quite sure where I would put him in my Pantheon of Murderers (Whitney is cringing right now), but has anyone been following the Scott Peterson trial? It's an absolute circus as this point. Lance Ito ran a tighter ship than Judge Alfred Delucchi. If Johnnie Cochran and the Dream Team made you squirm, Peterson's attorney Mark Geragos is going to make you peel your skin off. In the last two days, two jurors have been dismissed, with yesterday's dismissal being the foreman. What a debacle.

I just ran across this too - good lord:
In another strange turn, a 14-foot boat similar to the one owned by Peterson has appeared in a parking lot about two blocks from the courthouse on property that CNN contributor Nancy Grace said is owned by Geragos.
Inside the boat, there are four cement weights, a weight belt and a headless dummy. Signs have been taped to the side of the boat -- one says, "RIP Laci and Conner You Are Missed," while another reads, "Murderer! Murderer!"

Juice, don't look now, but you've got some competition.

I knew I drafted this guy for a reason

Ron Artest is truly a piece of work. As it turns out, his current two game suspension by Coach Rick Carlisle was caused by Artest asking for some time off to rest up...for his rap album publicity tour. Two gems from Ron's press conference:

"Everything that happened wasn't too negative. I kind of surprised the team by wanting to take some games off..."
"They probably expected a little more; expected me to play every game. Everybody's different."

Now, I will give him that the NBA regular season is a huge joke, but still, come on buddy. How can you not expect people to jump on you for this? I guess the bigger question is whether Fu-Schnickens (yep, I looked up the spelling on that) gets any run on this album?

Welcome to the O.C., Bitch

This is how it's done in Orange County...
COSTA MESA, Calif. (AP) -- Seven-time NBA rebounding champion Dennis Rodman signed a contract with the Orange County Crush of the American Basketball Association on Wednesday.

I mean, does this sound appealing to anyone?

The cafeteria at work sells something called Aunt Flo's Country Fudge. Everytime I am at the register I don't know whether to laugh or vomit.

Jerry already took this one, but did anyone see the highlights of that Nets/Blazers shoot-out last night? Good god, what a debacle. The SportsCenter anchors were contractually obligated to mention that this game "set basketball back 50 years".

Right now I think I am leaning towards Tendercrisp over Spicy Tendercrisp in an 8th Round TKO.

Why do people say they're confused by the plot of "Mission: Impossible"? Is there something complex in there I completely missed? Does Coach Kilmer throw them off? Maybe it's because the last time they saw Kittridge he was deleting files from Jack Ryan's PC?

The 2004-2005 Men's College Basketball Season kicks off tomorrow night, and I couldn't be more excited. Three top 25 teams are in action, including the 6th-ranked Syracuse Orangemen (I refuse to call them the Orange) playing hated rival Northern Colorado. Should be epic. The Orangemen return Hakim Warrick, Gerry McNamara, Billy Edelin (he had an odd year last year), huge white stiff Craig Forth (finishing up the Jess Settles 8-year plan), and Wheelhouse fav Louie "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue" McCroskey, plus some others I've forgotten here. Cuse is one of about 12 teams with a chance to be cutting down the nets in St. Louis. Someone get Dickie V a sedative.

For my money, no one does a better Larry King impression than Larry King himself at 2:15am on Election Night. I thought Wolf Blitzer was going to hit him with a steel chair. (Yeah, this joke is a week old, but get over it)

Puff puff, give. Puff puff, give...

...You're fuckin' up the rotation - To Quincy Carter, who is about 2 weeks away from completely fuckin' up the Jets playoff chances. And no, I'm not bitter at all about that loss to the Bills.

Now that is a refreshing beverage...

SEATTLE--Nov. 8, 2004--Jones Soda Co. announces today its limited edition holiday pack of five new seasonal flavors which includes: Green Bean Casserole Soda, Mashed Potato & Butter Soda, Fruitcake Soda, Cranberry Soda and Turkey & Gravy Soda.

I'm pretty sure the Turkey & Gravy Soda will ensure the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fucking Kaye.

Wally, George O'Leary is on the phone for you

Wally Backman was manager of the Arizona Diamondbacks for less than a week.
The Arizona Republic reported on its Web site Friday that Backman, who got the job on Monday, had been fired.

Boy, that Jeff Moorad is sure running a smooth operation out West. And to think, they've now missed out on hiring Charlie Manuel. What a shame.

Can I help you Officer?

LONG BEACH, California (Ticker) - Olden Polynice, a 17-year NBA veteran who was waived last February by the Los Angeles Clippers, was named player-coach of the Long Beach Jam of the American Basketball Association on Friday.

By the way, I'm pretty sure this post is only funny to me. It wouldn't be the first.

Bring him home Sandy, Bring him home...

Poor Whitney's head is going to explode, as I am sure there will be much to read about the O.C. today. I will leave the analysis to the internet's resident TV addict, Michael Jack, over on Hot Action (or, if he continues to be lazy, the boys at the Wheelhouse). Needless to say, the O.C. is back, and I am happily along for the ride. Whit, it'll be my pleasure to discuss the plot intricacies with you over a few Coors Light. I hear the Silver Bullet is "The Coldest Tasting Beer in the World."

In other Thursday night news, I'm really sick of watching these boring Louisville games. How about a little something for the effort fellas?

T.O., Baby!

Terrell Owens played the double murder card on Ray Lewis yesterday in the wake of the Ravens' linebackers complaints about Owens' Lewis-mocking end zone dance on Sunday. To which I say, about goddamn time. The NFL's glorification of Lewis annoys me to no end, with their celebration of his faux-warrior mentality and his over the top dogs-in-the-house, look-at-me-I'm-colorful persona. Let's be very clear here: Ray Lewis was - at the very least - involved in a senseless double murder. Maybe he didn't actually shove the knife into the victims, but he was there, and he knew who killed them, and he covered it up...until he rolled over to protect himself. Like a little bitch. Good for you, T.O.

This Is Me

I've found my new milieu: the Comments field. Once inspired to spew out focused essays with some semblance of a point (MLC just garnered its 500th post in the World Series), I'm now relegated to misguided cameo appearances on other people's vehicles, firing dim-witted, pseudo-clever attempts at humor which miss more than hit. Now looking my age, what was funny because of its faux-snobbery is now sadly smarmy. Ladies and gentleman, in the blog world . . . I am Chevy Chase.

This is why I don't do introspection. I'm better off thinking I'm the funniest, most brilliant addition to any site. Which, of course, I am.

Taking the bait

MLC co-founder and GTB contributor Whitney seemed sad and disappointed in today's Monday Musings. I'll bite. Real Simple subscriber Jennifer Wilson (otherwise known as the BH) will be dropping some dough on Martha Stewart's Wedding magazine in the next 12 months, as I asked her to marry me last Thursday evening. She kindly accepted. For the sake of my bank account, I hope we plan a wedding proportional to the amount of people who read this drivel. Now back to your regularly scheduled nonsense.

Monday Musings

These are in no particular order, and in fact, they might not even be funny or interesting, but oh well:

*I might hate T.O., but I got a big laugh out of the faux Ray Lewis dance. Now I just wonder if Ray will kill him. Seriously. I'm not kidding.

*Is Pedro Martinez gay, or at least leaning that way? I mean, what the hell was that dance he was doing with a cape on? A cape? I know he's "eccentric", but cape dances are just a tad fruity to me.

*I found Hell on Earth, and it's the Best Buy on Route 1. Worst Place Ever. Trained animals could run a tighter ship.

*Special thanks to my co-worker Chris for letting me steal his costume idea Saturday night. Roy Horn has never looked better, or bloodier (Hmm, if Pedro's gay for wearing a cape, am I gay for dressing like Roy Horn?)

*I guess there's a theme developing here, because it's almost college hoops time, and I am really looking forward to the Rudy Gay Era at UConn.

*OK, I can't help myself. If Ty Law is going to miss any time, he will be replaced in the lineup by Randall Gay. I heard he's great at tight man-to-man coverage.

God damn it

My college football pick em is pummeling me right now. 1-5 to start the day, with two more losses on the way. Stupid Northwestern - Now I'll have to listen to a giddy Wilbon all week.

Well, if I thought the college picks were bad, oh man did I fuck up the pro picks. I am the worst gambler ever. Seriously.

Worst Wednesday Ever

I still don't really know why the DC Greys wanted to beat us up last night. I am not sure if it's possible to feel worse at work. It hurts to type.

For the Annals

The Hawks, Arlington Men's League Softball: Soooooo not Gheorghe.

Wait, so you're telling me...

a younger sibling of a famous and talented celebrity is really a no-talent hack? I don't believe you. Next you're going to tell me the Red Sox committed 8 errors in the first two games of the World Series and won both games (rather easily).

"Teen songbird Ashlee Simpson had a microphone malfunction on "Saturday Night Live" last night, scurrying off stage when a production glitch caught her lip-synching the wrong tune."

Speaking of no talent, nice to see Jimmy Fallon getting great seats for the game, and then having Tom Hanks think he was Jude Law. I'm sure Jude vomited in his mouth when he saw that (then again, Jude Law doesn't strike me as much of a sports fan, so forget that).

I Knew It!

Sports Guy just admitted: "I don't know anything about the Cardinals. I didn't even know there WAS a National league until about 20 minutes ago."

I've always contended that he's a Red Sox fan, not a baseball fan, and I guess he's freely admitting it. Dammit, dude, spend less time watching trashy/reality TV and more time watching non-Sox baseball. Or college football. Or rugby. (Did I successfully slip that last one in?)

I don't know why I feel the need to tear this guy down all the time. Maybe because I'm jealous of his job. (Maybe???) He's really pretty good most of the time. I occasionally give him a pass for little errors [not recognizing that Billy Squire (sic) is from Boston and that's why Fox played the tune], but I have a bigger issue that he willingly dismisses entire major sports while embracing entities like the NBA. But that's his prerogative; it just means that we'd have less to talk about in a bar. He was in his wheelhouse during the ALCS; today's chat may be the first chink in the armor (no Gheghis Khan jokes, TJ) as he reverts to Boston Sports Guy with little Cardinal knowledge of which to boast. Like Rob Russell in college, if you'll pardon that one.

Beating TeeJay to the Punch

It seems that Nugget phenom Carmelo Anthony has gotten busted with some pot in his backpack at the airport. In an explanation you saw cruising down main street, it wasn't his. Of course not. It was his friend's. Naturally. His friend borrowed the backpack and left it in there. Oh, how unfortunate.

The "it's not mine, my friend left it in there" excuse is a classic, sidling up alongside such gems as "My dog ate my homework," "I was just kidding," "She didn't mean anything," "I didn't know we were dating exclusively," "It was a contact high," "I never inhaled," "Somebody slipped me a mickey," "I didn't know she was your sister," "I was just borrowing it," "I was going to pay for it," "I didn't know she was a prostitute," "I had a tuna sandwich for lunch," "I read it for the articles," "It's patchouli," "I'm just tired," "I couldn't pass these tests even if I were sober," "The bitch set me up," "I was entrapped by the DC police," "The DC police planted those drugs in my car," "[every sentence Marion Barry's ever uttered]," and "I got those staples in my head from hitting an awning rail, definitely not from getting caught giving a guy some road head and ramming my head into the bottom of the steering wheel."

Soon to be trite expression: So that's what makes Anthony so 'melo!

Using the whole fist, Doc?

Mooooooon river...It definitely felt like Mr. Babar's visit to Alan Stanwyk's doctor for 9 innings last night. First off, Congratulations to the 2004 Boston Red Sox, American League Champions. I can only imagine GTB creator Rob Russell's state of mind today. The greatest comeback in postseason history. They came out for Game 7 and they knew they were going to win damn it. Lowe even said that after the game. Unreal - ALL these guys seem to have balls the size of Saturn. A tip of the cap to all of them, from Frozen Caveman Yankee Killer to Papi to Keith "Anyone got Dr. Jobe's phone number" Foulke to Schilling to Lowe to Francona. Left for dead, those guys absolutely took it to their most hated rivals. As a Yankee fan, they crushed me last night. I was a fucking vegetable for 9 innings.

Now, I am not about to let this Yankees team off the hook. I mean, has there ever been a bigger egg laid in a Game 7, a Game 7 at home in front of 55,000 raucous fans? This was a fucking disaster of the highest order, a MONUMENTAL collapse:
Starting pitching, disaster (Kevin Brown, I've been saying it for 6 weeks, and you proved it last night - You are a huge fucking douchebag. Hey Vazquez, I wouldn't be giggling in the background pal. These two guys are the Anti-Schilling, hell they're the Anti-Lowe)
Bullpen, bad times (When Benny the Cab Driver from Total Recall is your only lefty in the bullpen, that isn't a good sign. I can't even discuss this whole Mariano Rivera thing right now,and apparently he couldn't either, basically running from reporters last night)
Hitting, uh what's hitting (Games 4-7 versions)? (Credit Schilling and Lowe and that bullpen, but aren't Sheffield and Rodriguez supposed to be veteran hitters who can fight off good pitchers? Well it didn't look that way. A-Rod looked downright confused last night)
Clutch hitting, went to get a latte? (See rant above)
Taking just a few pitches, what are you nuts? (I mean, I know Miguel Cairo needs to take pitches, because he's Miguel Cairo, but even Jeter took some last night to try to get something going - Would it have killed them?)

Derek Lowe did of course pitch very well last night, but the Yankees certainly aided him in becoming a very rich man this offseason. I think the only time I smiled last night was when I realized Jim Leyritz was being outfitted by Macho Man Randy Savage. George is getting very upset. If people thought a $200 million payroll was bad, oh man, is next year's spending spree gonna be ugly. Can the Astros win tonight and give Red Sox Nation the dream matchup in Fenway they so desire? Have I set the record for most parentheses in a post? Has anyone in Boston slept yet?

So it's all come down to this

I don't have the energy or skill to type very much right now, but since I have zero ability to focus at work today, I'll come back later and try (but surely fail) to discuss another nail biter in the 2004 ALCS. I am so exhausted as a fan, it's unfathomable. I feel like I'm being hazed. Games 1-3 were the false sense of security, Games 4-6 have been the real deal, and I'm now so disoriented I have no idea what to expect for Game 7. I've been joking for a few days about this, but Game 7 is truly going to kill me. If you stop by the wake, try to say a few nice things about me.

I like reading things written as a list, let me see if I can gather my thoughts enough to make a list (and these are gonna come sporadically, as my brain is functioning on a Chris Griffin level):

(1) For once, I have absolutely no problem with the collective sports media getting on their knees and sucking Curt Schilling’s D. That was an otherworldly performance, probably the gutsiest pitching performance I’ve ever seen. For weeks I’ve been saying Schilling ain’t the beloved sweetheart everyone makes him out to be, but hell, after last night, it doesn’t matter if he kicks babies or kills cats in his free time. He was awesome. Curt Schilling = New England sports legend.

(2) I'm struggling, reaching for straws. I don't even feel like making fun of McCarver, or pondering how surreal it was to see police in riot gear on the field in the late innings. Let's just all agree to skip the rest of the day and prepare for Game 7. It's gonna be a doozy.

(3) Less than 6 hours to first pitch. I'm sure Kevin Brown and Derek Lowe are pretty calm right now.

(4) 4 hours to go. This work day has been extremely looooooooooooooong.

(5) Well that was the worst list ever. Go Yankees.

Good God, This Is Outta Hand

I mean, this is ridiculous right? I'm not exaggerating here, am I? I'm not even speaking of the result (I'll let the professionals handle that) - I'm simply speaking of the game I witnessed last night. That was EXHAUSTING. I'm pretty sure that game lasted longer than Yakoff Smirnov's career. That has got to be the most intense ballgame I have ever seen. Every pitch, every at bat, for what seemed like 12 hours, was make or break. Kudos to both bullpens, especially donkeys like Heredia and Quantrill, who I was sure were gonna give that away on every pitch. How can these two teams be expected to play again tonight without physically collapsing on the field by the 6th? Hey, I'm not gonna rip Loaiza, that's the best (BY FAR) he's pitched since being on the Yankees. Perhaps next time the Yankees shouldn't leave 18 guys on base. As I said on this site just the other day, David Ortiz scares the shit out of me every time he's up. The man is a beast, and he's approaching Bird/Orr territory if he keeps up the heroics (or not, I'm sure SportsGuy will have 1,700 words to discuss this today).

I really enjoy my Angries softball, but I just rented a Navajo from the new Smithsonian to perform a raindance in my office.

Game 6 might really put me in the hospital.

Did I Type in the Wrong URL?

I . . . uh . . . well, I . . . I can't . . .

I'm sorry. I'm still digesting TJ Simspon's detailed, rave review of a Barry Manilow concert. By the way, TJ failed to mention that "I Write the Songs" was penned by Beach Boy Mike Love about Brian Wilson. Moist with irony.

Sleep deprivation...

courtesy of the ALCS. I'm so tired I can barely type, but even if I could, I don't know what to make of last night's Red Sox win. Is it the start of the most amazing comeback in baseball history, or was it just another tease for a tortured fan base? Is Rivera's blown save a bad sign of things to come, or just the motivating factor he needs to shut down the Sox tonight (power of positive thinking)? Does Pedro throw an absolute gem in what could be his final start in Boston, or does he get so juiced prior to gametime that his arm falls off in the 4th? So many questions, so few answers (except that Kevin Brown is indeed a huge douchebag), and so little sleep. Based on how this thing has gone so far, Game 5 will probably end after the Monday Night Football game (despite the 5pm start).

Oh yeah, Carlos Beltran is very good.

You ask me if I have a God complex...

Let me tell you something: I am God.

Physics Professor Goes on Rage in Class

Wed Oct 13,11:12 PM ET

LAFAYETTE, La. - A University of Louisiana at Lafayette physics professor was banned from the campus Wednesday and taken to the coroner's office for evaluation after threatening his class, university officials said.

Student Kacie Spears said professor Louis Houston lost control right after class began Wednesday morning and was yelling obscenities.

"Then he told us if we got out of our seats he's gonna kill us. He went on the black board and wrote "911 now", so we were really in fear for our lives," Spears told KATC-TV.

Spears said Houston slapped a student and then told his class he was God.

He writes the songs that make the whole world sing

Oh, Mandy, You came and you gave without taking (or as Homer Simpson would sing, Oh, Margie, You came and you gave me a turkey)...

That's right, last night, MCI Center, the one, the only, Barry Manilow, his "One Last Time" tour. Where do I start...
Heading for Section 425 (yeah I know, big spender) an Usheress (not a word) stopped us and swapped our tix for seats in Section 118. Sweet - I'm not sure if it's possible for my BetterHalf to be any happier, and we haven't even sat down yet.

Picked up two beers (I almost felt obliged to get the white wine) and what seemed to be a day old pretzel, spent $427 dollars, then felt better when I saw the price tag on some Manilow merchandise. Good god, I'm pretty sure the sweatshirt/poster combination cost more than my college tuition.

Quick rundown of the Section 118 roster:
Backwards Hat Lacrosse Kid, with his Mom - This was stunning to me, but we'll get back to him in a second.
Five Flailing Females in the Front Row - Elaine danced better than them.
Scott Van Pelt lookalike with his Crazy Wife - Her level of enthusiasm made the BH look like she was in a coma.
A mixed bag of ages, races, sexes - Apparently, Manilow brings the world together.

The man of the hour hits the stage to a TREMENDOUS ovation. The last time the MCI Center exploded like that, the Mystics were shattering the WNBA single season attendance record.

I'll give it to Barry, he really knows how to work the crowd. I was gonna start this post by joking that Manilow present day looks like Clay Aiken 30 years from now, but Barry did the bit himself. I'll give this to him - he's not afraid to laugh at himself. He beat me to the elevator music/easy listening crack as well. Then he lets on that he started his career doing commercial jingles, two of which we all know - State Farm (Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there...) and Band-Aid (I am stuck on Band-Aid, 'cause Band-Aids stuck on me...). I mean, is this guy a powerhouse or what?

Quick aside: You would've thought this was a WWE event with the amount of signs being held up. Best sign of the night - "Manilow Makes Me Moist" (OK, so I made that one up, but come on, how good is that alliteration?)

Solid hour of tunes from Barry, then a quick intermission. The second hour of Manilow was even better (yep, I was sucked in), however it was initially trumped by Backwards Hat Kid. Inexplicably, he gets up, mumbles something to Mom, and moves two rows down, laying serious game on the youngest of the Flailing Females. I mean, wow. This was impressive. Curt Schilling might group him with Brandon Arroyo as having "balls the size of Saturn". I do believe it led to some making out in the Uecker seats later on during "Copacabana".

Very solid second hour (gave us back-to-back-to-back smash hits), good encore, well worth the money. Hey Barry, where can I sign up for this Maniloonies fan club, or is it the Fanilow fan club?

You know what, I'm wondering if Mike Swint found his way to the MCI Center last night. If so, did I miss anything?

I've been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song
I put the words and the melodies together
I am music and I write the songs

I write the songs that make the whole world sing
I write the songs of love and special things
I write the songs that make the young girls cry
I write the songs, I write the songs

A little bit from Game 2

Well, we go from a 10-7 slugfest nailbiter (for the last 3 innings at least) to a 3-1 pitcher's duel nailbiter in the span of 24 hours. Pedro looked very good last night - a lot of movement on the fastball and some of those backdoor breaking balls were filthy. However, the hero of the night has to be Jon "Fat" Lieber. Just a great performance, keeping the Red Sox offense muted for 7 innings (just 3 hits). Also, a tip of the batting helmet to Jon Olerud, who hit the huge home run off Pedro, allowing me to both praise him and tell the terrific Olerud/Ricky Henderson story. Olerud and Henderson played together on the Blue Jays and Mets. When Ricky joined the Mariners in 2000 (Olerud was there by now), he asked Olerud why he wore a helmet in the field. Olerud explained that he had a head injury in college and that if he got hit in the head again, it could kill him. Ricky's classic response was, "Oh, I had a teammate on the Mets who wore a helmet just like that." I would've paid a lot of money to see the look on Olerud's face at that exact moment.

Some serious pressure on Brandon Arroyo tomorrow night. Hey, Kevin Brown, try not to be a huge douchebag. Oh yeah, the NLCS - boy is that Cardinals lineup impressive. I think that about covers it.

Breakfast with Yao Ming

Nice waking up to Yao on the tube. As a bonus, Yao was served with a big bowl of hyperbole from your favorite and mine, Bill Walton. Just seconds after saying that there are no superlatives to describe Yao playing at home, Walton ripped off three extremely long sentences of superlatives and hyperbole. It was tremendous.

I'll get to Game 2 (and even a dash of NLCS Game 1 - Was that a Kiko Calero sighting?) later this morning. I need more coffee.

Hidden gems in last week's Sports Illustrated

After reading last week's SI from cover-to-cover on Satan Air (see post below), I thought my reader(s) might enjoy these quotes (NFL defensive backs sure are a funny lot):

Baltimore Ravens cornerback Gary Baxter, on Washington, DC - "The funniest thing about D.C. is when I see the nation's Capitol. When you're growing up, you see it on money, and then when you see it in person, it kind of trips you out." I couldn't have said it better myself Gary.

Oakland Raiders cornerback Ray Buchanan, on his favorite off-day activity - "I love bowling. I average, like, 180. On Tuesdays during the season I get my brothers and go roll." Word of advice Ray, when you're out at the lanes, don't fuck with the Jesus.

What a way to start...

By Game 4, I will have gnawed my fingernails all the way to the bone and had a heart attack (the heart attack will most likely be non-baseball related, as my diet and exercise regimen leave something to be desired). Thanks to Air Panama (or Big Stein's private jet) for getting Mr. Rivera to the ballpark in time to prevent the greatest comeback in LCS history (in case you missed the graphic flashed multiple times, 75 years ago last night the Philadelphia A's came back from 8 down, or something like that). Tim McCarver seems to be a big fan of Red Sox starter Brandon Arroyo, who happens to go by the name Bronson Arroyo, but who's keeping track really. SportsGuy made an error in his column the other day - Trot Nixon and Hideki Matsui do not cancel each other out (especially with Nixon coming off another injury). Offensively, the leather-faced Matsui continues to provide run-producing hit after run-producing hit (and not just last night). Now, he has some adventures in the outfield (it was a tough ball, but he should've made that catch last night), but he's good enough to have played CF alot of last year while Bernie Williams tried to climb out of his deep, wet grave. Ah, Bernie, literally on his last legs, came through huge again last night. I remember when he was viewed as the third best member of the Albany-Colonie Yankees outfield, behind Gerald Williams and Hensley "Bam Bam" Meulens. Game 2 in less than 10 hours, and I've already lost all focus at work (not a surprise there really).

Is Jimy Williams busy?

Boy are the Phillies gonna suck again:
The Phillies will interview Don Baylor today, Charlie Manuel tomorrow and Grady Little on Thursday. -- Philadelphia Inquirer

Game On Wayne...Game On Garth

It's less than 12 hours away. I don't think I can make it through this long miserable work day. This is gonna be fantastic (or horrific, I'll get back to you tomorrow).

In totally unrelated news, perhaps Opie and Anthony have morphed "Sex for Sam" into "Sex for Santa Anna"?
SAN ANTONIO -- Tourists at the Alamo saw something besides historical exhibits at the shrine of Texas independence. A couple who witnesses say were having sex Sunday at the downtown mission landed in jail, according to police.
An Alamo security officer caught the two having sexual intercourse near a public viewing area about 5:30 p.m., a police report stated.

Not that you care, but come on, Ken Caminiti's death from a "heart attack" is about as accurate as Rick James' death from "natural causes."

OK, Superman is dead, and I've been debating how to go about this. Who knew that hairy beast Robin Williams would provide the answer - "Williams was one of the few who could joke about Reeves tragic injuries in public. 'Bid 5,000 dollars and see him move his leg!' Williams once said at a fundraising event in 2002 for Reeve's foundation for the paralysed."
Well, if uber-comic Robin Williams can do it, why can't a no-talent hack like myself? (And yes, I do indeed have my ticket to Hell already purchased, and I fully expect to be struck by lightning, or a bus, or both, on my way out of work today)
Q: What's black and sits on top of the stairs?
A: Christopher Reeve after a fire.
I will go await God's wrath.

Moose, who's butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?

Now that was a fantastic W tonight. Bring on the "band of idiots". Mini-Rob, I hope to see you over on Gheorghe this week (I know, height jokes are played out, but hell, it's gonna happen).

Stop, Lima Time... Every time you see me, The Lima's just so hype, I'm dope on the mound and I'm magic on the mic...

OK, so I meant to write this last week, but once again Marshall Mathers has a huge hit on his hand. Let's ignore huge Eminem fan Corey Simspon's dislike for the track and recognize that "Just Lose It" will again be a smash. I mean, seriously, this guy samples Pee Wee Herman's laugh as his hook, and it's gonna be a bonafide smash. Extremely impressive.

Finally, Happy Birthday today to my BetterHalf. I mean, you would think dating me is a gift onto itself, but just in case, we'll be SuperSizing it tonight. Seacrest out.

Putana Da Seatbeltz

Wow, I will never make fun of Southwest Airlines again after the high quality service American Airlines just provided. That is one happy, efficient, and functional crew you've put together American (I apologize if the sarcasm is leaking onto your keyboard). Next time, just kick me in the groin and jam my head in the toilet before take off - the flight would be 100 times better.

Is it OK if I shoot the guy from work in the face who started three sentences (THREE) in a row with "At the end of the day..."? You know what buddy, I'm thinking today I'm just gonna work "inside the box", if that's OK with you - just me, inside the box, not feeling real adventurous, not going anywhere (This is a small glimpse into what I actually think about when I'm supposed to be listening to people talk. I mean, I would've listened, if he hadn't sucked so much).

Juan Pierre apparently played every inning of every game this year. And for what? All he really wanted was a fifteen cent sip of soda and just one rib.

Currently Yankees 8, Twins 1 through 8. Kevin Brown is taking baby steps away from Douchebag of the Year.

Well, I wouldn't exactly say I've been missing it, Bob

If someone brought their dog to work, you would think that person insane, yes? A dog, at your place of work. And we're not talking about Ray Charles here people, sight is not an issue. I say bringing your dog to work is absolutely ridiculous, however not all disagree. Discuss.

Milton Bradley apparently called a reporter "Uncle Tom" in the clubhouse the other day. Which begs the question, when did Ahmad Rashad become a beat writer for the Dodgers?

Jamal Lewis would not be serving time for facilitating a drug deal if he had my Sprint PCS phone. That call would've been dropped 4 or 5 times. Osama Bin Laden gets better service in his cave.

So this is what commercials are for...

VH1's "And You Don't Stop: 30 Years Of Hip Hop" - A very entertaining documentary that's been on every night this week. Someone tell Ice T his role on "Law and Order: SVU" makes it a bit hard to take his talk of "straight pimping" seriously (I did however enjoy his work back in the day in "Ricochet").

"Repo Men: Stealing for a Living" - I can't even figure out what channel this show is on, but if you flip by it, stop. Let's just say most people are nonplussed to have repo men appear in their doorway. Hilarity ensues.

First rate crap - Queen Latifah is being profiled on "60 Minutes" this week. No truth to the rumor that Ed Bradley will strangle her with piano wire for her role in "Taxi".

"Roy's the man, Going to work, Got attacked, By a tiger...

Roy...Roy, Roy, Roy..."

The good kind of exhaustion

Having to wake up at 5:30am for work doesn't usually lend itself to late night television viewing, but when it's playoff baseball time the gloves are off. Mariano Rivera managed to blow only his third postseason save ever, dragging the game out well past the 4 hour mark, and Tanyon Sturtz (worst name ever?) gets saved from a Bronx lynching by Alex Rodriguez. Ron Gardenhire stuck with Nathan a batter too long (even Joe Corcoran doesn't throw eight balls in a row...oh wait...). I was impressed with Rodriguez last night, clutch when they needed it. Time for the Yanks to steal one in the dome, and than let's see what happens against Johan in a Game 5. I can barely function today, so go read Jerry's handywork over at the Wheelhouse (especially if you hate the Yankees, as most do). (EDITOR: This sentence should be revised to read, "...if you hate the Yankees, as all people with souls do." That is all. Please carry on.)

Since when do I have an editor? Aren't editors for real writers? Is this diminutive "editor" gonna pay me for writing this nonsense? And how the hell did this "editor" get the text stuck on italics?

Oh yeah, one last thing, I realize the guy is a Hall of Fame second baseman, but Joe Morgan is ABSOLUTELY KILLING ME. By inning 4 I just wanted to pummel him over the head with that worn copy of "The Big Book of Baseball Cliches" he kept using. Terrible.

A moment of silence please

for the death of a comedic legend. Rodney Dangerfield, best known as millionaire developer Al Czervik, died Tuesday at the age of 82. Rodney, you will be sorely missed (well, not really, because Comedy Central is determined to show Back to School more times than Joe Dirt).

"Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though."

Morning Latte, with Tom Wilkins and Cass Van Rye

Excellent work by the Angries last night, a doubleheader sweep of some excitable old men and a creepy goggle-wearing pitcher. A tip of the cap to Team MVP Swint, who took one for the team and got me home, in time to watch the 8th and 9th innings of Game 1 no less. So the Yanks lose another Game 1 (8 of the last 11 if you trust the Fox stat guys) - not a huge deal really with Santana being the best pitcher in the AL this year. Superb defensive effort by the Twinkies last night - 5 double plays (Bernie Williams, Rally Killer). That many double plays and you expect to be listening to Cerphe spin records on Classic Rock 94.7's "Two for Tuesdays". Jon Lieber vs. Brad Radke tonight, time for the bats to awaken from their slumber - perhaps Sheff has a little of that BALCO hand lotion left.

Time for some Fall Ball

And I don't just mean exciting Angries action (first pitch 8:30 at lovely "Don't Call Me" Shirley Park). Good to see Odalis Perez and Jarrod Washburn bring their F- - games. Mike Mussina, let's show a little life out there tonight.

Oh no, even The Blue Oyster?

I didn't see this one coming:

Leaders of the District's homosexual community say they will use their political clout to save a homosexual nightclub mecca that is likely to be razed to make room for a Major League Baseball stadium in Southeast.
"The most gay commercial strip in D.C. is going to be wiped out, and [Mr. Williams] doesn't say anything about that. It's like a fly swatter coming down and — boom — we are gone."

Did they just quote Agador Spartacus?

Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?

SHAQ!
Ya damn right!

So finally we are getting some beautiful tabloid stuff (New York Daily News) from the Kobe Fiasco:
"Bryant stated he should have done what Shaq does. Bryant stated that Shaq would pay his women not to say anything. He stated Shaq has paid up to a million dollars already for situations like this."

You see this cat Shaq is a bad mother-
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
But I'm talkin' about Shaq

Now here's the real gem:
"Bryant, 26, also insisted he hadn't thought of a payoff because he treats women much better than his gargantuan teammate."

Cut to quick shot of Kobe devouring a size 13 Nike. The gang at The Smoking Gun have done the dirty work of scouring the transcript of Kobe's interview with the cops (Start reading at the red arrow) - It's a beaut.

I simply cannot get it out of my head

I've said it before, and I'm gonna say it again - The best commercial on TV is the "Eye of the Tiger" Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso ad...

"Glen's the man, Going to work, Got his tie, Got ambition...

Glen...Glen, Glen, Glen..."

Here's a sure sign...

...your reality show is a humongous dud. The new timelsot for Season 2 of Dream Job - Midnight EST on Tuesdays. I'm pretty sure Ron Popeil gets better timeslots. (Warning, joke for one coming) Set It...and Forget It.

Nothing gets the day going quite like a LARGE coffee and Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer". However, it is slightly dampered when the coffee is rung up by a SHim.

DC's getting baseball. Finally. I swear it took NASA less time to get a man on the moon (no, not Andy Kaufman) than it did for Bud and the boys to get Marion Berry's stomping grounds a ballclub. I can't wait to buy my Brad Wilkerson jersey.

(Bubba) Franks and Beans

Excellent work by the Cubbies last night, especially the hyperactive young man on the mound, Señor Zambrano. Anytime "Crazy" Carl Zambrano and Jeff "Dream" Weaver are the foundation of your starting pitching staff, you know the stretch run is going to be tough (that's right, it's all about me, so now you get to read about my NL-only fantasy baseball team). Kudos go to Brian Douglas - Despite my passionate pleadings on draft day we took that douchebag Weaver, and he has pretty much saved our hide in August and September. Who knew?

So, was that former North Carolina two sport "star" Ronald Curry I saw Sunday night in a Raiders uniform? They turned him into a wideout, a wideout with 2 TDs already? Pretty impressive if you ask me.

Michael Jack has informed me Lost is a decent show, so now I guess the race is on to see whether Dr. Vegas gets canned before LAX. Blair Underwood, you disappoint me. Speaking of new TV shows, can I get a little more info from someone on Desperate Housewives. I'm pretty much sold just from the commercials, but I was hoping for that little extra push. Help a couch potato out.

This exchange actually took place

Scene: Sports apparel store in Myrtle Beach, SC

Girl behind counter: So what day is Halloween, the 30th or 31st?
Me: Um, the 31st.
GBC: Really? I thought it was the 30th.
Me: Nope - it's definitely the 31st.
GBC: Oh OK - So is Halloween always a Friday or a Saturday?
Me (starting to look for the hidden camera): Um, no, it's just always the 31st, whatever day of the week that is.
GBC: Oh...OK. I was just trying to schedule my associates.
Me: Yeahhh... (slipping out door)

So in other words, this slice of American genius is some sort of manager at this store, and hasn't mastered the date of Halloween. Brilliant. And yes (I know you were waiting for this part) she was in fact blonde. Go figure huh?

Doing the Bull Dance, Feeling the Flow...

Not to harp (oh who am I kidding), but Denny Green, this Week 2 quote isn't going away anytime soon: "System-wise, and style-wise, this is probably the best offense in the NFL." He was talking about his OWN offense. Sunday's final score - Falcons 6, Cards 3. The Cardinals were sacked 6 times, lost 4 fumbles, and gained 3.8 yards per play. I mean, come on, Denny's making this too easy.

Usually clueless younger brother Corey Simspon caught the Pat Summerall highlight of the night. As Pat was sending it to my girl Suzy Kolber on the sideline, he dropped this gem: "For moron Norv Turner, here's Suzy..." There was no pause between the words "more" and "on", just sloppy enunciation that is the perfect assessment of Norv, unintentional comedy at its best. Good work Pat, and good work Corey Simspon - now get off my couch.

In no particular order, a tip of the cap to:
- Pedro (not the one you think), who runs a splendid operation on the North Carolina/South Carolina border aptly titled "South of the Border". High quality merchandise at very reasonable prices (sorry, I could barely stop laughing long enough to type that). A must stop if driving to/fro Myrtle Beach or points south. And if you think Pedro's multi-colored billboards are overkill, you apparently weren't subjected to the ESPN marketing push for "Hustle".
- AM Radio, for providing completely random entertainment all along the I-95 corridor. Whether it was picking up the Yankees game on AM 630 in South Carolina, or learning from some Jim Baker clone that the devil can be found everywhere in our daily lives, or just listening to Sean Salisbury take an axe to the Kansas City Chiefs, AM Radio kept me sane.
- FM Radio, for making sure it was impossible to miss a single lap of the MBNA America 400. Man, NASCAR is out of control.
- Kevin Brown, for pitching like an absolute donkey, allowing me to still hate him alot. F U Kevin Brown. (Let's pause for a moment. I also would like to berate whoever it was - Torre, Cashman, Big Stein - that decided pitching Brown at Fenway with a barely healed broken hand was a good idea.)
- The guy running for office (councilman, state representative, who cares) in North Carolina who decided his platform, plastered for all to see on a highway billboard, would be "Get the United States out of the United Nations". Now, I'm no political expert, but I'm gonna bet his constituents might have slightly different issues on their minds than the USA's role in the United Nations. For instance, why the Nathan's is closed at the T&A truck stop off Exit 123.
- The New York Mets, for climbing out of their collective graves and showing some sack. Though, as Whitney mentioned, the Cubs losing only increases the likelihood of the Giants in the playoffs, and frankly, I don't want any part of that. That NL Wild card is an absolute crapshoot, but personally I'm looking for the Cubs to win the WC and the Padres to improbably sneak in and win the NL West. Maybe I can get Jeff Brantley on my side.
- Miniature golf, the only kind of golf where I'll ever sniff par. "You're gonna die, clown."

Out to Lunch

Not that anyone is missing this drivel, but guess what, you're not gonna get much more than this until Monday. Work is beating me over the head with a shovel, and I am escaping to Myrtle Beach for the weekend (Nascar Cafe here I come). Let's see, the Yanks impressed Saturday and Sunday, and now need to duplicate the feat in a frenzied Fenway. The Red Sox beat the Orioles last night in the 9th and celebrated like they just won the pennant. Ichiro Suzuki just keeps hitting (14 away from the record). Gary Payton may or may not come to Celtics training camp, and I may or may not care. The Jets are 2-0, SportsGuy keeps fellating them, and they have a bye this week. They haven't exactly beaten the '72 Dolphins and '85 Bears in Weeks 1 and 2. Everyone needs to settle down. The Flavor Flav/Brigitte Nielsen relationship is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen on TV. Miss Lippy's car is green. Cat Stevens, er I mean Yusuf Islam, forced a London-to-Washington flight to be diverted to Maine because he's on some Homeland Security watch list. Perhaps Tom Ridge really dislikes "Peace Train". And finally, Denny Green, coach of the 0-2 Arizona Cardinals, had this gem: "System-wise, and style-wise, this is probably the best offense in the NFL." I think it's quite obvious Denny writes his own material.

This was written while jamming out to "Parents Just Don't Understand". I think I gave DJ Jazzy Jeff a dollar and change yesterday afternoon so he could get a 40 oz. at the nearby liquor store with bars on the window.

Sunday Bliss

Two hours from now I will be immersed in hot sports action: a Yanks/Red Sox rubber match (sponsored by Trojan), a Ryder Cup comeback of epic proportions (F Europe), and wall-to-wall NFL action (yeah, it will be Redskins and Ravens, but what are you gonna do). I should have a lot to say tomorrow. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program (probably Meet The Press, right?)

This is what happens after 3 large coffees on a Friday

I'm not getting sucked in this time around, but I can tell you, seeing the commercial and realizing Stephen A. Smith is a judge on this round of Dream Job is awfully tempting. Perhaps we can get Scott Van Pelt to also judge and do his Stephen A. imitation the entire show - now that is high comedy. In case you were wondering (or caring), the reason I can't watch Dream Job again is that the sound of Mike Hall's voice makes me want to vomit in my mouth.

OK, I'm avoiding Dream Job, but The Donald sucked me back in last night for Season 2 of The Apprentice. I had missed Week 1, but somehow Mr. Trump got me back (OK, maybe it isn't so much The Donald as it is Carolyn - ooh la la - count this as another mark against me with the BH, along with Liz Phair and Suzy Kolber). There are no Omarosas (Stacie J. is getting there) or Sams to be found, but the hypoglycemic guy who wears bow ties entertained me last night.

Speaking of the BH, last night she brings home a magazine called Real Simple. Real Simple magazine is 347 pages long. 347 pages for a magazine called Real Simple. Do I need to let this go?

The PGA Tour stop this week is San Antonio, for the Valero Texas Open. With the entire golfing world focused on the Ryder Cup (F Europe), I fully expect the last group on Sunday to be Roy McAvoy and Shooter McGavin (hell, it's half joke, half reality - would you be more entertained if I said the group would be Ben Crane and Justin Leonard?)

Can I get odds in Vegas on which show gets canned first, Lost or Dr. Vegas? It's a shame too, having to either root against Joey Pants or Charlie Salinger.

Um, apparently the NHL owners are locking out the players, but the question is, has anyone even noticed or cared? If I need my hockey fix, I'm throwing the Charleston Chiefs on.

I don't need to say much about this - it's Prime Time heaven (settle down Deion) this weekend, as the Yanks and Red Sox play both Friday and Sunday night on ESPN (with a Fox afternoon tilt on Saturday). I would like to think whoever takes 2 of 3 is in great shape, but much like the diminutive Red Sox fan who posts here as well, I don't want to jinx anything. Go El Duque. And F U Kevin Brown.

A New Friday Feature

We'll call it the "Gheorghe Student Athlete of the Week" Award. The envelope please. Our first winner hails from Charlottesville, VA. In his game last Saturday against North Carolina, UVA's Marquis Weeks took a kickoff in the end zone and juked and jived 100 yards to the house. Asked about his touchdown return, Marquis replied "That was just instinct. Kind of like running from the cops, I guess you could say." Congratulations Mr. Weeks - an autographed copy of Rob Russell in a leprechaun suit is on the way.

What, Harry Hamlin and Marlon Wayans were unavailable?

So, I'm jamming out to NKOTB's "Hanging Tough" this morning, and I'm reminded that NKOTB-er Jordan Knight is a cast member on the new season of The Surreal Life. The producers really went all out this season - these are D list celebs people. I can't wait for the episode where American Idol reject Ryan Starr is singing Alanis tunes in the shower only to have Dave Coulier pull open the curtain, punch her in the face, and stand over her while delivering this line in his awful Ahnold voice - "You oughta know...better bitch". Or maybe the episode where Uncle Joey calls up the Olson Twins and invites them over "to be changed" just for old times sake. Better yet, I eagerly await the episode where Charo incomprehensibly screams "NO WIRE HANGERS!!!" for 30 straight minutes. Lastly, Flavor Flav, get a watch my man, or you're gonna have some serious neck and back issues.

Yep, natural causes...

"Flamboyant funk musician Rick James had nine drugs in his system when he died suddenly in August, including cocaine, methamphetamine, valium and vicodin, according to a coroner's report Thursday. "

If it ain't broke...

Dear Tony:

Good luck with your new daytime talk show, The Tony Danza Show. We wish you all the best (muffled laughter).

Sincerely,

Wayne Brady, Martin Short, and Queen Latifah

Dear Keyshawn:

Shut the fuck up.

Yours truly,

Everyone

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Minus the lack of activity in upstate NY, this weekend, as is every kickoff weekend, was fantastic. The Simspon family even managed to flashback to the early 90's with a smorgasbord of pizza and ribs for Sunday's football action (Jets/Bengals, Skins/Bucs, and Gints/Iggles - we can touch on these in a moment). Good times indeed...but before I start sounding like Kevin Arnold, we need to discuss a few things:

As I discussed in my previous post, I didn't have cable this weekend, and that can be rough for a guy like me. I was subjected to 6 channels - NBC, ABC, CBS, PBS, Fox, and the WB (say what?). When the hell did the WB become part of rabbit-ear television? In fact, the WB11 gave me Mets games both days, but alas, the Flushing Nine couldn't get a W for Whit or Jerry (though Wagner's meltdown was highly entertaining - he actually had trouble tossing the Gatorade jug onto the field).

I'd like to toss Chris Rix and Joe Dailey into a lion's cage (no Montecore jokes here please), give them the keys, and see if either could hold onto the keys long enough to escape certain death.

Well, I see a certain NY team is getting some "sleeper" pub from SportsGuy and some guy in SI - thanks to The Wheelhouse gang for pointing that out (Speaking of the fellas over at the Wheelhouse, forget Norman Chad, enjoy their picks and game capsules each week - I'm also pretty sure Norman would be replaced as a poker announcer in a heartbeat by Jerry). Anyway, back to the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets...yes, I am a Jets fan (fandom circa 1997). Now, obviously, this requires a bit of explanation, and with 16 weeks to go in the regular season, I will certainly give it to you, my reader(s) - let's just say my manlove for the Tuna blinded me early on. The Jets season started out a bit shaky, as they fumbled the OPENING kickoff, but somehow Curtis Martin climbed out of his grave and ran the Bengals ragged. It was a highly entertaining game, and I was very happy to see the Jets finally lock it down, especially since head coach Herm Edwards has some sort of motto about winning or something.

Let me jump from Herm and the Jets W to the more satisfying W of the weekend - the Irish upsetting Michigan on Saturday. It makes me warm inside to see Michigan lose, especially knowing this Notre Dame team has serious issues (Brady Quinn, what the hell are you doing, do you want me to put you in the cage with Rix and Dailey?). I mean, Ty Willingham loses this game, and it might be all out mutiny in South Bend. As an added bonus, this apparently makes Regis Philbin's year, and that's always important.

Last thing, non-sports related - I am a terrible cell phone talker. I simply don't seem to have the ability to whisper or lower my voice. Nothing is worse than having very old people in wheelchairs at a nursing home giving me dirty looks because I am so loud on the phone. I need some sort of whisper coach - hey, that sounds like the lame type of character Ben Stiller would play on the VMAs. Is he available, or is he too busy filming Mystery Men 2?

Coming to you from the friendly confines...

...of Latham, NY. You won't hear much from me until Monday, given this internet connection is slower than my Southwest gate agent at BWI. I might be able to send Whitney posts via carrier pigeon in less time than it takes to connect this computer to the world wide web. That's OK, at least there is a computer here, because (drum roll please) there is still no cable in the Simspon household. It's flashback city, and it's painful. Thank god for decent college football on the networks.

Interesting note (only to me) - I'm pretty sure the Albany Airport has 1,000,000 more parking spaces than necessary. I'm just saying they might want to look into that.

SGNFLBS

Ye Olde Sports Guy predicted a 14-2 regular season for his Patsies, followed by another perfect sweep through the postseason. Like clockwork, except that sometimes when the power goes out or a battery dies, clockwork is altered. I understand that the Pats are champs and a viable threat to repeat -- my only question is why the two losses? Just trying to keep one tippy-toe in the circle of objectivity?

He also picked the Redskins to sit atop the NFC East at 10-6 and make it to the second round of the postseason. You can tell he's a closet Coach Gibbs fan. Nice! And all of the Skins Super Bowl chatter out of DC -- which I've been spewing with at least 90% being tongue-in-cheek (but 10% not?!) -- has subliminally seeped into his brain. I love the Washington Redskins franchise more than I love cheap beer (though why juxtapose them when they're so good together?), but if they win 10 games and a playoff contest this year, I'll tattoo their logo on my groin.

8-8, just miss the playoffs. But with the greatest coach ever to walk an NFL sideline -- Super Bowl, hyperbole, what's the difference? -- on our side, it'll be the most enjoyable 8-8 season I can imagine.

Sports Illustrated chipping in where it can

Good to see the folks at SI putting Curt and the Sox on the cover. I'll take any help I can at this point (this point being Esteban Loaiza AND Brad Halsey pitching today in the heat of a pennant race - not good times).

I planned to leave this topic alone

I know, I work in a new building, I've bitched about it already, but I had to mention this: There are guys outside attempting to hook up large lamp posts, and it is raining pretty steadily. Now I don't know much about water mixing with electricity, but I did see that bomb Powder, and I know things can get a bit dicey. These are pretty large lamp posts, and I'm pretty sure I heard some sizzling as I walked by a very brave, or very dumb, electrician this morning. It's like David Caruso and Shelley Long are the decision makers on this project.

Oh yeah, Kevin Brown is still a tremendous douchebag.

With all apologies to Huggy Low Down

The Bama of the Week (nee, the Bama of the Year) is Kevin Brown. No explanation needed. What a jackass.

Kevin Brown, you are the Bama of the Week...Week...Week!!!

Unbelievably, this guy is Governor of California

Often, it takes alot to pull me out of the vicious cycle of 30 second channel surfing, and last night was no different. While cruising past James T. Kirk, George W. Bush, and Penn and Teller, I happened upon what I consider Arnold's breakout role - Col. John Matrix in Commando.

Sure, Arnold had blown up the year before in Terminator, and his ability to deliver one line slowly and monosyllabically (did I just make up a word?) would become his modus operandi, but it wasn't until Commando that he put the full package together. The formula - be wronged by bad guy, hunt down bad guy, kill all bad guy's henchmen, eventually kill bad guy in showdown, and deliver perfect one liners along the way (in that absurd accent, still pretty thick in Commando) - is can't miss. There's a reason the guy's insanely rich. The formula works (even hacks like Van Damme and Seagal have had success).

Anyway, a little too much coffee, and I'm rambling off the subject, much like any interview with Johnny Mac on his soon to be canceled cable talk show. Let's break this down:
Sublime casting - I mean, Alyssa Milano as his daughter, and Nick Tortelli as the power hungry deposed dictator of a fictional South American country - How do you beat that?
Great Arnold lines - Kill a guy, drop a one-liner. No one does it like Arnold (Not even all the humps who have played Bond). He even keeps the ball rolling (and defines his career) by getting an "I'll be back" in. The line that left me rolling on the floor laughing last night was his response to the green beret's threat to kick his ass:
"I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now I'm very hungry" (Read that to yourself in your best Ahnald impersonation - it's highlarious)
The bad guy - Possibly the fruitiest bad guy ever in an action flick. This is what kills me the most. Bennett, head bad guy, looks like a chunky Freddy Mercury. He's wearing a sleeveless chainmail vest the entire movie. Yeah, that's right, chainmail. And, AND, he has the porn 'stache to boot. Who the hell would ever let this guy run an evil enterprise?

That's all I got this morning. The long weekend can't come soon enough. Hell, the more I think about it, I would've voted for him too.