I was born in 1974. I was young for my grade. If somebody were to ask me "When did you first know that you liked girls?", I would struggle to answer definitively. I remember liking my kindergarten teacher (a disco bombshell named Miss Karik), but I think I liked her because she was friendly and young and nice. I liked my 4th grade teacher Mrs. Hillman, but again, it was because she smiled at me and was nice. I remember liking Ginger on Gilligan's Island a lot (hot take: I was Team Ginger). I remember wondering if I could reach my hand through the TV and pull her dress off. Kinda pervy, right? Don't cancel me! I was 10 and curious what ladies in their underwear looked like. I remember going to the abandoned barn in the field behind my backyard and looking at old Playboys. High school kids used to booze there, so I would walk around empty beer bottles and look at rain-soaked skin mags. I liked looking at the ladies, but that may have been because I knew it was something I wasn't supposed to do.
So when did I REALLY learn that I like girls? That's easy. It was the Hot for Teacher video. I was 9. That song is a fucking monster. It's a 10/10 for tunes my friends and I would crank in our car with friends at the highest possible volume in high school. The hot-and-heavy drum intro. The masterful guitar licks that layer on top of that. The way it all comes together in a rock crescendo. Diamond Dave at the peak of his powers. Michael Anthony doing yeoman's work for the band with his underappreciated harmonies. The song relaying a basic schoolboy fantasy in an electric way. It all works. Even the phrase "I don't feel turned" was cool to me, even thought I still don't know what that means. I owned this album on vinyl, cassette and CD. Only album I can say that about (I think).
But that video. Oh my sweet Lord, that video. T&A was all over the place on MTV back in the day, but it was often represented in a faraway sense. I couldn't relate to Duran Duran's Girls on Film, but I could relate to being a kid in the Hot For Teacher video and crushing on a teacher. But these weren't teachers. They were 80's babes in bikinis! With sashes! Dancing in front of kids! I remember thinking "that's not fair. I should've had a chance to be in that video." But 9 y/o TR was a pasty, chubby misfit. Unless they were casting a young Meatloaf, I wasn't going to be on the telly. Let's just enjoy the video and all its 80's glory and agree that this is a song that will cement some thoughts about ladies in a young man's mind. The video even has a Wizard of Oz feel to it. And when it goes to color, the fun starts.
I could go on an on about Van Halen's great tunes, but the purpose of this post is to pay homage to Eddie Van Halen, warts and all. And there warts, to be sure. This story is one of the most amusing ones I know.
To be clear, I am no expert on the band, just a fan. Here are two more tunes to pay tribute to a rock god that a misfit kid from NJ admired for a few years. We will start with a well-deserved nod to Eddie himself and go from there.
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33 comments:
No Waldo tag? Who can't relate to Waldo? "You Really Got Me" is an all-time great cover.
Excellent post, TR.
Beautiful Girls... hard for me to hear and not think of the SNL Schmitt's gay ad. The original, that is -- the video reissues didn't pay for the licensing and therefore it's some knock-off. But Sandler and Farley and Eddie Van Halen... pure gold.
Eddie Van Halen was a guitar monster. It's impossible to overstate his influence on rock guitar. Almost every guitarist wanted to play like EVH after the first album.
Here's a fun video of Eddie in his heyday on David Letterman. The bridge on Panama is one of the finest.
Also, I think it's "I don't feel tardy". Minor pt.
Eddie was indeed our vintage's guitar god. Clapton was still heralded in my high school years, much to Rootsy's discontent. But he was old and fading, like Keef Richards or "If I played guitar I'd be" Jimmy Page.
Eddie -- and Angus and Stevie Ray -- these guys were revered. Would not have figured that Angus would be the last man standing, but they all threw down pretty heavy.
I almost posted the Schmitt’s Gay beer skit and the kitchen scene from Better Off Dead (Everybody Wants Some). I didn’t.
A couple high school friends had a terrible band for a year. They named it Fair Warning as a tribute to VH. They had one kid in the band who was a good guitarist, but was an NJ guido. He would wear Oakley blades and BUM Equipment shirts to gigs. Really depressed the other guys.
Van Halen rules, Clapton soullessly tools.
I love Everybody Wants Some (don't forget the !!) and that scene from Better Off Dead.
Speaking of VH and extraordinary punctuation, is Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love the only song with three apostrophes?
“He would wear Oakley blades and BUM Equipment shirts to gigs. Really depressed the other guys.”
I LOLed
I assume the Oakley blads and BUM shirts were paired with cargo shorts to complete the ensemble, no?
Nah. Cargo shorts weren’t a thing yet. This was ‘91. They were paired with jeans. Probably not stonewashed or acid-washed. That was more of an ‘88-‘89 thing.
Levi jeans were most common. Nerds wore Lees. And the super-stylish guidos wore Guess. This dude was not super stylish. He was just a Jersey kid lost in the times. Marls can relate, being from Strong Island.
And FWIW, I owned two BUM Equipment shirts back in the day. But I never owned Oakley Blades. Those were trash.
No Cavariccis?
My high school was guido-free, they all lived in neighboring towns to the north and south. Then two "kids" transferred in my junior year. They were both blatant cops, so much so that everyone called them 21 Jump Street. Somehow they were in tons of classes together despite "randomly" transferring in. Their attempt to blend in involved Zubaz and cutoff B.U.M. Equipment sweatshirts. They were easily 25 years old.
That would have to be an awful assignment for a cop, but the thought of it is funny as hell to me.
Joseph Simmons and Darryl McDaniels would take issue with your assertion that nerds wore Lee jeans.
It still exists! The Schmitts Gay with the original VH music!
https://vimeo.com/169759649
Dropped my voting envelope in the local ballot box today. Proud to have rocked the vote.
Did a guy in a red had holding an American flag and a musket take it for you?
Virginia's early voting is great. I was able to cast my ballot in person on Sept 18th. It still didn't stop the fucking t.rump campaign emails. I get 6-9 of those a day, and I can't manage to make them stop.
^guy in a red hat^
My 11 y/o thinks Pence looks like Thomas The Train.
TR, that's very fitting since pence and trump have caused a lot of "confusion and delay" over the last four years. And really whole bunch of other bad shit.
so what video had the same impact on the ladies of gtb with respect to their attraction to men? chris isaak's 'wicked game'? gerardo's 'rico suave'?
Thomas the Tank Engine?
of modest interest perhaps to some of you, trace mcsorley (former penn state and current backup ravens quarterback) is moving into my little neighborhood. my starfucker neighbors are plotting their sucking up plans. my penn state-alum pal is very jealous.
thanks to Spencer Hall on Twitter (@EDSBS) today I learned Goth Hooters exists...
The whole idea of Hooters seems kinda contrary to the whole idea of goth, no?
Bill Murray has Covid. Not that Bill Murray but the undraft rookie from W&M who is/was playing for the NE Patriots. Had to do a double take when the local news mentioned W&M and NE Patriots in the same sentence this morning.
The only time I’ve been to hooters was spring break 97 with teej and ten other knuckleheads. Our server was quite pregnant, and I’m not sure the twelve of us reacted as respectfully as we could have.
I....do not remotely remember that
We went to a Hooters in Cancun during spring break 96. It was not as exciting as we thought it would be. I've been to a Hooters one other time, in Raleigh NC. It was adjacent to my ant-infested hotel by the airport. The story about the ants is fun, I'll save it for another comment. The wings at Hooters were ok but not as good as I thought I would be. The older married couple there depressed me, it doesn't seem right to take the mother of your children to Hooters, especially when she's in her 60s.
It’s definitely “I don’t feel tardy”. And Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love is my favorite Van Halen song. My oldest sister graduated HS in 84 so I heard a lot of Van Halen growing up. That song always stuck with me. I still chuckle at the line “You’re semi good looking”.
Amen to all of that, Mark. And on the streets again.
local farm brewery had a beer dinner this evening. it's up the mountain on the way to the appalachian trial. views all the way back across loudoun valley to tysons. not a bad way to spend a crisp fall evening. we're lucky to be able to that kind of thing right now.
It’s still in the high 80s around here. And I have a broken elbow. So I went on a long walk on the beach today to get some exercise. It was a nice way to kill an hour.
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