I was born in 1974. I was young for my grade. If somebody were to ask me "When did you first know that you liked girls?", I would struggle to answer definitively. I remember liking my kindergarten teacher (a disco bombshell named Miss Karik), but I think I liked her because she was friendly and young and nice. I liked my 4th grade teacher Mrs. Hillman, but again, it was because she smiled at me and was nice. I remember liking Ginger on Gilligan's Island a lot (hot take: I was Team Ginger). I remember wondering if I could reach my hand through the TV and pull her dress off. Kinda pervy, right? Don't cancel me! I was 10 and curious what ladies in their underwear looked like. I remember going to the abandoned barn in the field behind my backyard and looking at old Playboys. High school kids used to booze there, so I would walk around empty beer bottles and look at rain-soaked skin mags. I liked looking at the ladies, but that may have been because I knew it was something I wasn't supposed to do.
So when did I REALLY learn that I like girls? That's easy. It was the Hot for Teacher video. I was 9. That song is a fucking monster. It's a 10/10 for tunes my friends and I would crank in our car with friends at the highest possible volume in high school. The hot-and-heavy drum intro. The masterful guitar licks that layer on top of that. The way it all comes together in a rock crescendo. Diamond Dave at the peak of his powers. Michael Anthony doing yeoman's work for the band with his underappreciated harmonies. The song relaying a basic schoolboy fantasy in an electric way. It all works. Even the phrase "I don't feel turned" was cool to me, even thought I still don't know what that means. I owned this album on vinyl, cassette and CD. Only album I can say that about (I think).
But that video. Oh my sweet Lord, that video. T&A was all over the place on MTV back in the day, but it was often represented in a faraway sense. I couldn't relate to Duran Duran's Girls on Film, but I could relate to being a kid in the Hot For Teacher video and crushing on a teacher. But these weren't teachers. They were 80's babes in bikinis! With sashes! Dancing in front of kids! I remember thinking "that's not fair. I should've had a chance to be in that video." But 9 y/o TR was a pasty, chubby misfit. Unless they were casting a young Meatloaf, I wasn't going to be on the telly. Let's just enjoy the video and all its 80's glory and agree that this is a song that will cement some thoughts about ladies in a young man's mind. The video even has a Wizard of Oz feel to it. And when it goes to color, the fun starts.
I could go on an on about Van Halen's great tunes, but the purpose of this post is to pay homage to Eddie Van Halen, warts and all. And there warts, to be sure. This story is one of the most amusing ones I know.
To be clear, I am no expert on the band, just a fan. Here are two more tunes to pay tribute to a rock god that a misfit kid from NJ admired for a few years. We will start with a well-deserved nod to Eddie himself and go from there.
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