Cowbells, pedophiles and people who hate dogs. Welcome to the SEC.

This may come as a suprise, but nobody even mentioned the weekly picks column during our weekly G:TB staff meeting. When you think about this deeper though, its really not that surprising at all. TR and Zoltan are northeastern liberal elites who care more about cocaine and Phil Collins' catalog than college football, TJ's a fat, lazy prick and Rob and Whitney are in Williamsburg this weekend trying to win a grant from the Board of Trustess at William & Mary that would allow all of us to quit our jobs and turn G:TB into the multimedia juggernaut will all know it's destined to be. Godspeed, you old assholes.

However, lest you think we've deserted you in your hour of need, I'm still here to carry the load and provide you a place to post your drunken college football related ramblings (Hey Dan!).

One more thing before I get started: You know what religion doesn't get enough credit for being total douchebags? Mormons. Yeah, I said it. We all know their religion is about the shakiest of them all (I received a prophecy from...this...hat! Yes! This magical hat!) And we know that they all secretly want 40 person families, but nobody likes to talk about their abhorrent fan behavior and (possibly) racist leanings. There are numerous cases of racial taunts being hurled at NBA players during games they played for teams opposing the Jazz in Salt Lake (you should hear the stories about the things they said to Brian Scalabrine last season...still makes me shudder)...and just this morning, I heard the crowd in Provo boo Tim Tebow. Easy there Mormons, I'm pretty sure I too could make up a new religion based on the number of "miracles" Tebow has performed if I just used the "Joseph Smith template for making shit up and hoodwinking thousands of desperate and naive people into believing in and supporting me" if I wanted to. Jim McMahon thinks you guys suck...and that's really all I need to know. Go Horned Frogs!


Clemson (+7.5) @ Miami: If I cared about my picks record, I wouldn't be picking this game. Shit, if I had half a brain I wouldn't pick this game. Clemson is talented, schizophrenic and frustrating. Nobody knows what they will do from week to week, least of all the Tigers. But what else would you expect from a team whose coach is named Dabo? I mean, besides an oppressively heavy dose of uber-christianity uncomfortably juxtaposed with generic football phrases like "ball security" and "gap integrity"?

So what does all that mean? First, it means that I'm still half drunk from last night. It also means that I think Miami is due for a seemingly inexplicable home loss. However, when you look at it, this is the kind of loss that extremely young teams suffer once or twice a season. Despite their talent, Miami is still very young and, often times, not a terribly disciplined football team. They nearly suffered a letdown loss last week at UCF but pulled out a victory based on a few good breaks and far superior talent. Clemson may not have as much talent as Miami, but they're pretty close. Ricky Sapp and DaQuan Bowers are both future pros and they'll be going up against a banged up Miami offensive line that has struggled in pass protection of late. Clemson's defense will force a few turnovers, CJ Spiller will make at least one jaw dropping TD run and the Tigers won't just cover, they'll win.




Tennessee (+17) @ Alabama: If Alabama hadn't been playing at home last week, their is a very good chance they would have lost to South Carolina last week. Despite the score, that game was very much in doubt late into the 4th quarter. Well, that is if Stephen Garcia wasn't such a terrible QB. You see, with all the talk about how much Florida is struggling lately, people have overlooked the recent offensive struggles in Tuscaloosa. Greg McElroy's play has dropped off dramatically since the early season and he's now completing just over 50% of his throws. On top of that, Alabama has only scored a TD in 16 of their 37 trips to the redzone thus far this year. If not for Mark Ingram's transformation into college football's best (and nastiest) tailback, we might be talking about the Tide offense as one of the SEC's worst. Bama's offense is unlikely to get untracked this week. Not with their #2 rival coming into town and not with Monte Kiffin having two weeks to prepare for the Tide. If Tennessee had a real QB then I might be tempted to pick the Vols outright here, but we all know that City of Crompton is far from a real SEC QB. Shit, he's far from a real Big East QB. Bama wins by a TD.

Florida (-23.5) @ Mississippi State: I was clear from the beginning last week that Arkansas scared the shit out of me, for numerous reasons. Mississippi State also scares the shit out of me, though the reasons are far different this time around. First, Florida is fucking terrible in Starkville. The last time the Gators played in Starkville I had to work a huge George Bush political rally at the Stadium I used to work at. As if being surrounded by 10,000 right wing kool-aid slurping xenophobes wasn't bad enough, a bird shit on my head that afternoon. No really, a bird shit directly onto to my bald head. When the (Klan) rally finally ended, I made my way back to my office in time to see Ron Zook (excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth) putting the finishing touches on Sylvester Croom's first ever SEC win. Not surprisingly, this was one of the worst days of my life. The only good that came from it was that the loss to the Bulldogs was so embarrassing that it finally forced Florida AD Jeremy Foley to end the Zook era and, eventually, bring in Urban Meyer. What about the Gators' previous trip to Starkville, you say? Well, this sums it up nicely.



If you're not already aware, that game was the beginning of the Rex Grossman era at Florida. So, based on those last two results, either Urban Meyer's going to get fired tonight or Tim Tebow is going to lose his starting job to John Brantley. Well, I don't quite think its going to be that bad but it is going to be a struggle. From what I can tell, Florida's going to be without 3 of their top 4 DTs (including both starters) tonight, as well as All-American LB Brandon Spikes and pass rush specialist Justin Trattou. Florida's so beat up along the defensive front that a white kid from California name Duke will see extensive playing time tonight. Did I mention that Mississippi State has the SEC's second best tailback in Anthony Dixon? And that first year coach Dan Mullen knows the Gators' personnel and schemes like the back of his hand? And that 50,000+ drunk rednecks will be banging cowbells for 3+ hours tonight? Yeah, well, that too. I don't think Florida's going to lose tonight but I sure as shit don't think they'll cover or keep me from putting my fist through a wall at some point in the evening. Florida wins a close one.