Picks, Pics, and Us Being Pricks

Another big weekend of American football contests -- and us giving you unscientific opinions as to who will win them -- is upon us. You are used to photos of college co-eds in these pages, and you'll get them once again. Well, . . . no, it won't be Florida cheerleaders, and no, no, it won't be a pair of Georgia's prettiest putting on pouty looks. This time around, you get the pride of Williamsburg, VA. Lovely ladies. (And dorky dudes.) These stills are entries in a current "Halloween & Fall Photo Contest" at William & Mary. You're welcome . . .

USC @ Notre Dame (+10)

USC is favored by ten. In South Bend. They've won seven in a row vs. the Irish by something like 690-2. The obvious (and logical) choice is the Trojans. Nope. My life partner Jimmy Clausen gets it done tomorrow. Irish win, but unfortunately that probably saves FUPA's job, so I'm not quite sure how happy I (or most Irish fans) are about that result. Oh well, he's sure to lose to BC yet again in a few weeks. Boy does Charlie miss Tommy Brady...and Hostess cupcakes. Irish cover.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Washington Redskins (-6.5)

A couple of weeks ago, a wise man wrote:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Washington Redskins (-7.5)
Take the Bucs. Dear God, take the Bucs.

A not-as-wise man countered in a comment:

I think the Redskins will win and cover this weekend. 24-10.

The wise man was right.
Take the Chiefs. Dear God, take the Chiefs.

Marshall @ West Virginia (-20)

It's a miserable, dreary, bleak fall Saturday here in the shadow of the Nation's Capital. The long, long shadow. To celebrate, I'm taking my daughters to see Spike Jonze's live-action reboot of my favorite children's book, Where the Wild Things Are. In a nod to Mr. Sendak's genius, we look just over the horizon to Morgantown, where still wilder things are. I've made a lot of money* betting against Bill Stewart's Mountaineers, so I've got no reason to stop now, even as they take on a mediocre Thundering Herd team (again with the wild things). WVU wins, but not by three touchdowns.

* Any money made by me in this case is entirely fictional, at least to my wife and the IRS. Also, as far as anyone knows, my name is Whitney.

. . . And so, the search for a new logo for the College of William & Mary is over. The two feathers were offensive to some, so they've been replaced by a more peaceful symbol. We're putting the green into the Green & Gold. The new mascot will be named Bongo, and he's a narrow, cylindrical fellow with a bulbous bottom and a penchant for mischief. We went looking for the explanation behind the "Thriller" dance record and the photos above, and I think we have found it:

It seems my threats to expose TJ's gay mating ritual with Greg have left our pale friend so nervous that he couldn't sleep this morning and thus was up and able to put up our weekly picks post. Of course, I didn't write any picks last night. Nope, I actually got drunk with my old man whilst discussing his complete and utter disgust with both the Buccaneers and Seminoles. It's actually quite fun to see my old Dad drunk and apoplectic at the state of his preferred football squadrons. If Florida State has to fire Bowden at the end of the year (please, please say it ain't so) can we at least check in on the possibility of stealing Raheem Morris from Tampa Bay? Well, at least I don't have to hurl expletives at lazy ass Gaines Adams every Sunday afternoon anymore. I really need to save all my swearing and vitriol for Michael Clayton. Believe me, he's earned my full attention.

Now, for the real reason I'm here...picks...and weed. But mostly picks.

Arkansas @ Florida (-24.5):
I've been pointing to this game as the one on the Florida schedule that worried me most since August. It's no secret that Florida traditionally struggles with SEC West opponents. Not just top tier teams either. Since I enrolled at Florida they've lost games to Ole Miss (twice), Mississippi State (twice) and Arkansas. Furthermore, this is a natural let down game for Florida. There is going to be a hangover effect for the Gators early on today. There's just no way to avoid it, not after all the hype (both Tebow related and otherwise) that led up to last week's game in Baton Rouge. Besides all that, Arkansas has a ton of talent on offense (Ryan Mallet, DJ Williams and Michael Smith are all future NFL first day picks) and Bobby Petrino can coach 'em up on offense. What does all this mean? That I'll be drinking very early today and that there's no way Florida covers the spread today. The Gators win, but only by two TDs.

South Carolina(+17) @ Alabama: It's the battle of two of the biggest assholes in SEC coaching history, which is REALLY saying something when you look back on the long storied history of assholes in SEC Football. There's a key difference here though: Spurrier is a fun asshole. He pokes, he prods and he says mean spirited things that elicit chuckles ( A couple of my favorites: "Can't spell Citrus with UT" and "Its a real shame about the fire in the Library at Auburn. I heard most of the books hadn't even been colored in yet."). Saban, on the other hand, is just a prick. He's aloof, he's a liar and he's a bitter control freak. He's also a well documented international pederast. With that said, the man is building a fucking juggernaut in Tuscaloosa. Can Spurrier and the suddenly competent South Carolina offense come into Bryant-Denny Stadium and steal a win from the Tide? In a word, no. I think that the Gamecocks keep it close for a half but the depth, toughness and discipline of Alabama are eventually too much for a young South Carolina squad to handle. Alabama wins, but they too don't cover.

Texas(-1.5) vs. Oklahoma: I'll be honest, I haven't watched much of Oklahoma this year. I was at Florida's opener for their game against BYU and I was at a bar with friends from out of town during their loss to Miami. I've watched even less of Texas. However, I have gleaned some information on both teams based on some of the highlights I've seen and articles I've read. As far as I can tell, Texas is essentially the same team they were last year. Heavily dependent on Colt McCoy and the passing game. These things happen when you pin the hopes of your rushing attack on a guy named Fozzie. They don't have as dominant a defense as they did last year but Oklahoma's offensive line is far worse than it was last year. Texas knows they can't lose this game if they want to have any shot at the BCS Title game. Oklahoma's too banged up and Bradford's still going to be shaking off the rust from his extended layoff. I can't see Texas losing this game and I can't take another cheesy segment between McCoy and Bradford where we find out who makes the better omelet or has the more manly patch of chest hair. We get it. They're both great players and they're friends to boot! Amazing, what a story. Why don't the two of them just double team Heather Dinich and get it over with already. Texas.