Happy Football Day

In keeping with our convention-bending celebrations of American Football, we offer a little afternoon whimsy as we do our best to kill time before Lord Goodell and his minions take over our lives for the next five months.  NYC G:TBers, an assignment: please go find the Big Gay Ice Cream truck (or visit the new shop at 125 East 7th Street) and tell us if the product is as good as it's purported to be. T-shirts for the whole staff would be a nice touch, too.

Worlds Collide During TV Month, Alternatively Titled "This Post Goes To Eleven"

I don't watch many of the same shows as the rest of the G:TB staff, just sports, movies on HBO, and a handful of programs (yeah I said programs) that the zwoman and I both enjoy. As you may have noticed, the majority of my contributions here relate to music, so to celebrate G:TB Television Month, I bring you the definitive list of the top 11 television theme songs of all time.

My list is definitive not because I am infallible, but because I defined the terms of all time bestness, namely, if I'm driving in my car and a TV theme song came on the radio (or satellite or, if Whitney's with me, from a bottomless iPod), how excited would I be to turn up the volume and bang it? So the Cheers theme is out (and I know Teedge is miffed -- I guarantee he would bang the Cheers theme in his Saturn unibody SUV), as is M*A*S*H, Hill Street Blues, Welcome Back Kotter, WKRP in Cincinnati, Laverne & Shirley, and All In The Family, no matter how recognizable and iconic they are. And Billy Joel sucks so Bosom Buddies is out too.

Some series have a potentially unfair advantage because they employ theme songs that are actual real songs, sort of like leftover tacos. I'll let you gripe about that in the comments.

11. Sanford and Son
Here's the full version of the Qunicy Jones song. KRS-ONE and DJ Jazzy Jeff approve of this selection (fast forward to the 4:00 mark).



10. Magnum P.I.
You knew this one would be here. It's a stitch cheesier than the rest of the songs here but it's just so fucking manly that I had to include it. If I had a 308 and this came on the radio I'd be arrested for speeding within seconds.



9. Spider-Man
Apologies to Jack Urbont, but this is the best cartoon theme of the 1960's. If I knew how to use ProTools I would make a fantastic beat out of the drums from 0:08 to 0:10. I don't know what I'd do with it though. The lyrics are admittedly campy but the music is infectiously 60's/mod. I would turn the volume up if I was on the highway. Probably not if I was cruising around with the windows down.



8. Dukes of Hazzard
Proof that my tastes include more than just big beats: a country tune! I can't find an embeddable clip so just use this link and look at this picture.



Or this video.



7. Knight Rider
Not a very good show but an oft-sampled theme song that makes my cut.



Timbaland approves:



6. China Beach
Much like Jack Urbont, Diana Ross ain't nuthing ta fuck wit.



5. Yo! MTV Raps: Ed Lover Dance
The Ed Lover Dance wasn't really the theme song for Yo! MTV Raps, but it was a prominent skit and a thoroughly enjoyable frat-party-friendly tune.



Parenthetically, it's easy to forget just how good Yo! MTV Raps was at times, due in large part to the quality of the music and lyricism of the day. Can you imagine something this lyrically impressive happening today with Lil Wayne, Soulja Boy, Waka Flocka Flame, and Gucci Mane?



4. Sesame Street - Funky Chimes Version
We've featured Funky Chimes at G:TB before and we'll do so again. It's my jam.



MF Doom approves:



3. Hung
I've only seen one episode but the intro features an early Black Keys song so it's in.



2. Boardwalk Empire
I really like Brian Jonestown Massacre. I saw them live at the Paradise in Boston and they blew me away. They were just as weird and wasted as I expected them to be and their musicianship was fantastic. Their set was a giant pulsing wall of distortion-free guitar, crisp drums, and lunatic tambourine. The entire crowd turned into defective bobbleheads, domes lolling forward and side-to-side with the throb of the music. I give their show my strongest white. It will thus surprise noone who has suffered through drunken selections from my iPod to see "Straight Up And Down" on the list, the theme song to Boardwalk Empire. Which is a very enjoyable show.



1. Miami Vice
This intro is as good as it gets, from the boobies bouncing to the bongos around 0:25 to the overall feeling of surging motion and acceleration throughout the song. The whole thing was often played on the radio at one point, and thanks to this video I now know that Jan Hammer looked like Chris Berman and dressed like Michael Irvin.

Dave posits that The Sopranos kicked off the modern age of "good" television, but I would counter that Miami Vice started the trend. The Sopranos was much better executed, but Miami Vice is a pretty impressive achievement given the limitations of network TV and the 1980's in general.



Which leads me to ask: what's the deal with 1980's swimsuit bottoms?

Dave's Dozen: The Twelve Best Television Shows of All Time

The Golden Age of Science Fiction happened from the late 1930's through the 1950's. Authors such as Arthur C. Clarke, Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov, Robert Heinlen, Clifford Simak, and L Sprague de Camp pushed the genre beyond its pulp roots, and created all the tropes that are still being used today. It seems unfair that such a short period of time gets all the glory, but that's the way art works: Shakespeare was brilliant, but he was also born at the right time and the right place. There was no TV, the theater business was thriving, and-- finally-- entertainment didn't have to have a moral message. And so The Bard was off to the races.

In case you weren't aware . . . The Golden Age of Television is now. I really thought Night Court was funny when I was a kid, but looking back, maybe I was retarded.




Night Court could never hold its own against Curb Your Enthusiasm. Devoted sister, beloved . . . even thinking of that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm makes me laugh. I'd put up the clip, but this is a family blog.

So put aside your nostalgia for a moment-- not that I don't fondly remember Mork and Mindy . . . but my memory is distorted by some sort of demented rose-colored glasses-- and actually watch an episode of one of these old shows that you love to reminisce about. Land of the Lost or Fantasy Island or Dallas or Love Boat or Get A Life or my favorite, WKRP in Cincinnati. You'll see.  They have no chance against the shows of today. Unlike sports, where it's impossible to ever see how Mohammad Ali would fare against Mike Tyson, or if Babe Ruth could hit as many home runs in the era of relief pitching, it's relatively easy to pit one television show against another. Simply watch them in succession. Try an episode of The Commish and then watch the pilot of The Shield. You'll see. You will then say to yourself: Dave is right . . . we are living in the Golden Age of Television.

Some perfect storm of cable, TIVO, product placement and advertisement money, streaming video, viral marketing, DVD purchases, and a wide ranging captive audience have created a market for shows as stupid and trashy as you want (Real Housewives of X, Dancing with the Stars, Temptation Island, Jersey Shore, etc.) and as smart and clever as you need. So my list is going to be top-heavy with recent shows. That's on purpose and that's correct.

Steven Johnson explains part of this phenomenon in his book Everything Bad is Good For You: How Today's Popular Culture is Actually Making Us Smarter; in the past, before digital media and TIVO, even before the widespread use of the VCR, a television show had to be immediately accessible. When you turned on the TV, even if it was the middle of an episode in the middle of a season, the show had to explain itself because there was the possibility of a new viewer, and they had no way to access previous shows. So each episode was usually insular, with limited running jokes, and the plot threads were simple and easy to sort out. But with the advent of digital media, writers stopped needing to place those "flashing arrows" any longer . . . some shows, like The Shield are nice enough to have a "previously on The Shield" segment at the start, but at the beginning of a new season of Breaking Bad, I need to consult Wikipedia to remember all that has happened. And it's in the best interest of the show to be as clever and complicated and dense as possible, because then people want want to watch it several more times, and so they'll stream it or buy it or watch clips of it, all adding revenue to the industry. It's The Golden Age.

So MASH doesn't make the list-- not that it would ever make my list. Cheers almost made it, until I replaced it with 30 Rock. Arrested Development should be on the list but it got canceled because it was ahead of its time. The money is in the banana stand, indeed. Same goes for Freaks and Geeks. I am loving True Blood and Bored to Death but I haven't watched them all, so maybe they'll make the list some day. Big Love is another contender. And it sounds like Game of Thrones is as good as the book.

Please note: I've avoided animated shows and sketch comedy and mini-series and stuff like that because it opens a crazy can of worms that is beyond my scope . . . maybe Chuck Klosterman will take over where I've left off. Monty Python's Flying Circus would make any list that included those genres.

So here is my definitive list. And if you don't like it, then get to work on my other list (this goes for you, Whitney).

1. The Wire-- meticulous, plodding, realistic, dramatic, and funny . . . and the main character is the city of Baltimore itself.  Sets the bar.

2. The Shield-- the exact opposite of The Wire. Forest Whitaker and Glenn Close are the best season long cameos in TV history and pilot to finale, The Shield has the best plot arc ever made. Unlike Lost, the ending satisfies.

3. Deadwood-- Al Swearengen is more fun than Tony Soprano.

4. Curb Your Enthusiasm-- Larry David is a national treasure and should be forced by the government to produce comedy until he dies.

5. Seinfeld--  the only show with a laugh track on the list: see above.

6. Battlestar Galactica-- you've got to see it to believe it. This has nothing to do with the original. Even my wife watched every episode.

7. 30 Rock-- as many jokes as you can stuff into 30 minutes, plus Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan. This traditional sitcom just edges out It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.


8. The Office-- this is probably illegal, but this slot goes for both the British and American versions.

9. Madmen-- nothing happens, but nothing happens with style. And "the carousel" scene rules.

10. The Sopranos-- arguably the show that began The Golden Age.


11. Breaking Bad-- Weeds is good, but Breaking Bad is great.

12. Saxondale-- I had to get Steve Coogan on the list . . . I also love his Alan Partridge character, but this slot could be for any comedian who's been given carte blanche to make something weird and autonomous . . . Louis C.K.'s show Louie also fits, but I've only seen one season.

TV Month: Genius

Pity Pam Dawber. Between Robin Williams' coke-fueled scene chewing and Jonathan Winters' comedic brilliance, she wasn't left with much to do after Mork and Mindy jumped the shark. I still celebrate the show's entire catalogue - one of my favorite forgotten sitcoms. Nanu, all.

College Football On Television This Evening

There are two huge games tonight - that we all know. If you don't, here they are:

So, I thought I should proved expert analysis on both games. Here we go...

Vs.

It wouldn't be college football season without those yang ladies from Georgia reappearing in a post, and I do apologize, but that is the absolute best I could find for the Broncos. Looks like I'll go with rob here and bet the Dawgs...big.
***********************************************

Vs.

The pictures, much like this game, are phenomenal. Losing your starting quarterback because he's a complete dumbass would crush most teams, but LSU often doesn't give two shits about the offensive side of the ball anyway, so I'll still go LSU here behind the wily skillz of the General (Jarrett) Lee.

TV Month Gets Rolling

The Black Keys and Damon Dash teamed up again for Blakroc2! If you watch this video preview it's like you're watching a TV commercial for it.

Separated At Burger King?

You thought I was kidding, but I was not. I found these two extras from 1974's blue movie Va-chinatown lurking in a fast food parking lot.



Separated at birth?
Or at least separated at Burger King?

Danny's Song

It was 10 years ago today that young (but not young enough) pitching phenom Danny Almonte was formally stripped of his Little League World Series successes. He was a 14-year-old from the Bronx tearing it up in the 12-and-under event, which wasn’t just breaking the rules, it was kind of pathetic.

The sporting media world swooned over his nearly perfect performance in the 2001 LLWS (perhaps in part because he was from New York City, heh heh), then took hyperbolic umbrage that they’d been duped.

Mark, however, remained indifferent.
(My favorite unsung comment from the hurricane weekend was his complete non sequitur, “I will be so fucking happy when the LLWS is over.”)

As a stupid aside: In the fall of 1987, my high school football team was walloped (on a weekly basis, but in particular) one Saturday by the Blue Ridge School, 45-14. Most guys on our team remember the game well, not because I scored a long touchdown (non-humble brag), but because a couple of years later it was made known that the RB who’d run for 5 scores and a million yards against us had been 21 at the time. Annoying. But much like the reaction with Almonte, we felt like the kid could be blamed a little, while the parents, coaches, or anyone who had known (or should have known) . . . well, they sucked.

As for Danny Almonte’s parents, who repeatedly swore on American television that their son was 12 . . . yep, they sucked, too.

Where is Danny Almonte now???
After the Almonte family’s very public embarrassment and banishment (even the league president was banned from the LLWS for life), Danny’s progression became painful evidence of how pointless the whole fraud was, other than to garner a little fleeting fame at great expense. He played some high school ball, but wasn’t drafted by MLB. He hit very well for a JuCo, but wasn’t drafted. He got married at 18 to a thirtysomething woman, and probably was taught a whole lot in the bedroom, but wasn’t drafted.

The latest word was that he took a job as an assistant coach at his former high school. He has given up the dream, at age 24, of every playing in the bigs. This isn’t even Eastbound and Down. This is the norm of highly talented baseball players in the Little League World Series; ask Cody Webster, who, by high school, was (ridiculously) being called “washed up.” As of a few years ago, I believe it was a total of 29 people that had played in the Little League World Series and gone on to play Major League Baseball. In 65 years. Hyperpushy parents, take note.

Fortunately, for Danny Almonte and family, it was only 10 days until something in the tri-state area happened to make their transgression seem a trifle. Unfortunately for most of the world, the halcyon days of ranting about Little League moms and dads were very quickly a thing of the distant past.

Fun with Statistics

On Football Eve, we thought it appropriate to revisit one of our more controversial, if brilliant, prognostications. Way back in April, when the lockout was the talk of the land and labor lawyers got more screen time than John Clayton's ponytail, I told you that Greg McElroy would be a better pro than Cam Newton.

And while I hate to say I told you so, with a substantial sample size to evaluate, the facts seem incontrovertible. McElroy's completed 33 of 53 passes for 306 yards and 2 touchdowns, good for a 90.6 passer rating. Meanwhile, Newton's only connected on 21 of 52 attempts for 275 yards and no scores. His 57.8 rating hovers right around the JaMarcus Line.

Normally reticent Jets coach Rex Ryan was effusive in his praise of his rookie signal-caller after a hard-fought loss to the Texans. “I like McElroy,” Ryan said. “It looked like for a minute to me we were trying to find out how tough that kid was, and I think we found out.” McElroy was sacked 5 times in the game.

Newton, meanwhile, has some work to do, according to ESPN blogger Christopher Harris. "Cam Newton's preseason performance against the Cincinnati Bengals last Thursday was a quart of sour milk with a spoonful of sugar sprinkled in," wrote Harris, describing Newton's performance against the Bengals as "a series of misreads and poor throws".

We're not quite ready to call this one yet, but with a number of precincts reporting, our peerless record of fearless forecasting seems to be intact.

Music Month Continues: A Star-Spangled Rodeo

Like most Tuesdays in the U.S., today offers a handful of newly released albums for your perusal and potential enjoyment. Sample some new output from the likes of Juliana Hatfield, Robert Earl Keen, or Lenny Kravitz, or perhaps the latest live album from Counting Crows (for Rob). Then tell me how they are, as I haven’t heard any of them. I actually can recommend a few items among today’s releases:

• Mike Doughty, Yes and Also Yes (especially “Na Na Nothing”)
• John Doe, Keeper
• Beirut, “Santa Fe”
• Red Hot Chili Peppers, I’m With You (Frusciante is gone, the sound isn’t. This album isn’t up there with Mother’s Milk, BSSM, or Californication, but it’s as decent as their last couple. Try the mellow “Brendan’s Death Song” or the messy “Monarchy of Roses.”)

The record I aim to highlight, however, isn’t any of these, and I’m as surprised as anyone at my selection. In the last week or so, we brought up our first favorite songs in the G:TB comments, and Rob remembered “Rhinestone Cowboy.” As I mentioned briefly at the time, Glen Campbell recently divulged that he has Alzheimer’s Disease, and he’s coupling the release of this album today, Ghost on the Canvas, with one more time back on the road to his horizon, something he’s plainly calling The Goodbye Tour.

The backdrop to such a record changes the way one listens to it, similarly to how Warren Zevon fans heard The Wind; even though Zevon had been singing about death for decades, “Keep Me In Your Heart” still gives the knowledgeable listener a little pause. Critics are going to go easier on Campbell in their reviews, and there’s almost more incentive to hearing and liking the music. I’ll be as guilty of sentimental kid gloves, undoubtedly.

The thing is, Glen Campbell, while a mainstay of country and lite rock several decades ago, never was a true heavyweight. I always liked him well enough, probably because my stepdad looked just liked him, even dressing up as him for Halloween. But Glen Campbell was just a handsome guy with a good voice who had some big hits in overly sentimentalized, over-produced, string-laced Southern pop. (And he probably got laid a ton, at least until he got Bible-fied in the 80's after too much partying.)

Those pop songs worked at the time, and they still find their way onto the airwaves emanating from your parents’/grandparents’ radio stations: “Wichita Lineman,” “Galveston,” and “By the Time I Get to Phoenix” (never, ever to be confused with “By the Time I Get to Arizona”) for the laid-back country folk in the 60’s; the cover of Allen Toussaint’s “Southern Nights” and the aforementioned “Rhinestone Cowboy” for yacht-rockin' AM listeners in the 70’s. But they don’t necessarily hold up as well as a lot of the music from the same era.



Meanwhile, for the most part, Glen Campbell has always relied on the likes of Jimmy Webb or other songwriters to craft his tunes for him; that’s not the hugest knock, for as Barenaked Ladies sang about the New Kids on the Block, “So we may not write the songs we sing / But Look at Elvis, he sold his soul and you crowned him King.” (Wow, that there’s a musical mélange.) Campbell did play with the Beach Boys in the 1960’s, but he was more Bruce Johnston than Brian Wilson. (He was no Mike Love, to be sure.)

As such, even given the backstory that might skew judgment, it’s no blasphemy to compare this record favorably to his heyday hits. I won’t use the silly subjective word “better” to describe this new album; I’ll say it’s certainly more “accessible” to the modern listener than the old stuff is, and better than I would have figured. He does have the benefit of modern production and new content imbued with an empassioned focus like I haven’t heard since The Rising. Glen Campbell also still has his voice. And songwriters like Paul Westerberg and Jakob Dylan in his arsenal now, though he actually inked a bit of this album.

And the truth is that it's a good story. The tandem of Pat Summitt and Glen Campbell gives hope to a whole lot of people going through one of the most trying twilight chapters I can conjure. Hell, for as long as he can, I hope the Rhinestone Cowboy continues to keep making music rather than going the Richard Farnsworth route. We're on the eve of a period when, more than ever, hard-partying rock stars are dying of old age, for lack of a better way to put it. From Robert Johnson and Hank Sr. to Keith Moon and Kurt Cobain, we know how to reflect when music icons put themselves in a early grave and waste talent. Well, here's to the seniors, launched most successfully by the Man in Black, busking heartily for one last quarter on death's doorstep.

Bottom line: the album’s pretty good. Worth a listen, especially for those who’ve lost or are losing someone great.

Balance, G:TB-Style

Political scientist Louis Rene Beres offers a learned take on a problem we've lamented often, comparing our current political climate with the Platonic philosopher-king ideal and finding us woefully lacking:

In American politics, no one any longer expects what Ralph Waldo Emerson had once called “high thinking.” Rather, the celebrity politician draws huge audiences (and donors) although very few would ever expect to hear anything of substance. In our national politics of veneered truths, whenever a candidate’s spoken words seethe with vacant allusions and blatant equivocations, the crowd nods approvingly, and leaps with satisfaction.

It is comforting enough for these audiences to bask in the warmth of someone “famous.” In the absurd theatre of American politics, the key protagonists continue to play their stock parts with contrived zeal and ambition, but also without any true capacity. As for the chorus, we have rehearsed our lines just as well, but we now utter them viscerally, as if by rote. Understandably, our exuberant shouts of approbation lack credibility. After all, they have been reduced to ritual incantations...

Many of our national heroes were once created by commendable achievement. Today, the successful politician is fashioned by a system that is refractory to all wisdom, a system that is sustained by banality, empty chatter, and half knowledge. Now, at a time when leadership incapability could pave the way to bioterrorism, “dirty bombs,” or even outright nuclear attack, our relentless transformations of politics into amusement has become far more than a mere matter of foolishness or bad taste...

Plato’s “philosopher king” may not be a practicable standard for American electoral politics, but it surely can’t hurt to keep such a potentially enviable measure somewhere in mind. At a minimum, such a recollection could remind us of how far we have already strayed.

Also, in keeping with our editorial tradition, this:

"Yes" was the start of my last jam

This title of this song properly sums up my experience with Hurricane Irene.



The morning before the storm, zsister-in-law freaked out zwoman, causing zwoman to send me to the grocery store. I live around the corner from a D'Agastino, one of the worst grocery chains on the planet, but I figured it would suffice for milk, frozen food, a bag of apples, pasta, etc. The line was insanely long, much too long to wait for terrible produce, so I went up the street to Food Emporium. If you've never heard of Food Emporium, it was the fanciest supermarket chain in the northeast until Bread and Circus and Whole Foods arrived. It's a step above Harris Teeter but not quite Whole Foods. It was nothing like this:



It was, in fact, like this:



And this:



The photos make the place look big but they don't do it justice. It's massive. It's their flagship location. I suspect that whoever designed the floorplan also runs CVS, because they only have five registers. Five. This is why you only see a few lines of people in the photos. Everyone else is standing in a pool of humanity back by the frozen foods and the yogurt.

Their yogurt selection is daunting. I just get the cheapest fat free stuff they have, which is their store brand and also happens to be organic. But they easily have 25 different brands of yogurt to choose from, based on milk from at least two different species of animal. As I commented that day, all the organic Greek goat's milk yogurt was gone. Shortly after I made that comment, a kid showed up with a bunch of the creamy stuff and restocked the shelf. As soon as he moved away from the counter, hordes of stylish young women with Burberry umbrellas, Torry Burch wellingtons, and eating disorders attacked the display.

I waited on the line for almost an hour, passing by all manner of interesting but expensive and ultimately unnecessary products, like this thing for storing half of an avocado. I saw two different people take one while waiting to pay for my stuff.

I also saw a stylish thirty-something woman frantically scour the display next to the salt display (they have infinite types of salt), and she made an elated face as her arm shot forward into the display and pulled back a bottle. She was only one person ahead of me, so when I got the the display I was able to determine with 100% accuracy that this is what she excitedly grabbed:



She got the second-to-last bottle of black truffle oil. Note that there was plenty of white truffle oil left, but everyone knows that stuff's only useful in a tornado. You need the black junk for a hurricane.

I finally checked out, went home, and made my famous Hungarian pasta: chop half a sopresetta into 1/4 inch cubes and sweat the fat out of them in a sauce pan over medium heat. Once you see a nice layer of oil in the pan, pour in a jar of four cheese pasta sauce -- the brand doesn't matter (in fact, the cheaper the better) but four cheese works the best. Simmer over medium low heat. Boil a box penne (I like the ones with the grooves on the sides to carry the sauce). Pour off the water, put the sauce with the sopresetta in the pot with the noodles, stir, eat. The leftovers will be even better than the original meal, just reheat and enjoy.

Then I cleaned up and met Marls and Marlsette for some drinks. Contrary to rob's fears, we found some absinthe:



I came home and eventually went to bed. When I awoke it was raining. I got some breakfast for zfamily at Hot Jumbo Bagels (which is the shit, anyone who goes to Tal Bagels for actual bagels is either an idiot or from Virginia) it rained until 10:30 am or so, and then it stopped. It was cloudy for the rest of the day.

And that's my story about the time Hurricane Irene hit New York City.

G:TB Church

Say something nice to your fellow man, friends. And we're thinking good thoughts about you, NYC.

Here comes the story of The Hurricane

This video seems appropriate for live-blogging the current weather ... until someone else writes a real post.

Not Your Average Jimmy

Nels Cline is in. Keith Richards would be, too, if they'd asked him. TV on the Radio is on board. A little bit of Bob Marley, some Talking Heads, maybe. As yet another randomly placed Music Month winds down, soon to be replaced with next month's Music Month, we bring you Tinariwen, dropping science straight from North Africa. A reminder that rhythm, blues, and beat are universal things. Tassili, Tinariwan's new album, drops next Tuesday. Tell your friends, and revel in your worldbeat superiority.

Post-Quake Muppets Shenanigoats

We here at G:TB would like everything to return to normal post DC earthquake, so here is some hipster group called OK Go, which I'm sure some of you donks love, doing a remix of the Muppets Theme Song, because, unbeknownst to me, there is some new Muppet movie coming out starring Jason Segel. Can't Hollywood leave anything alone?

One More Reason Why You Can't Hate Brian Wilson

Anybody watching The Franchise on Showtime has seen a lot of the behind-the-scenes stuff on Brian Wilson. Instead of loathing the man as a Rodman-like egomaniac, I find myself rooting for the guy even more. He's just a dude who realizes how ridiculous it is that he gets paid so much and has no need to behave normally. He works his ass off and he seems to be genuinely liked by his teammates. And by the men in the Castro district.

But we're not here to write on sports. We're here to provide links of endearing physically challenged guys who have become internet sensations in videos featuring cameos by baseball personalities like Brian Wilson and Cody Ross.

And this video isn't meant to give Rob any Halloween ideas, but he could ride on the coattails of this internet sensation (79 million hits and counting). He just needs to grow the hair out and get some goofy glasses. And keep it real in front of the camera.

Update: this fine, fine blog entry was written after Wilson was put on the DL, so the vailidity of the Gheorghe: The Jinx hypothesis does not hold here.

Urbont To Ghostface: "You Got Served"

Everyone knows that if you file a complaint in federal court, Fed. R. Civ. P. 4(a) requires that you serve the complaint and a summons on the defendant. Everyone also knows that if you cannot find the defendant, Fed. R. Civ. P. 4(e)(2) allows you to leave a copy of the summons and the complaint at the defendant's dwelling house or usual place of abode with some person of suitable age and discretion then residing therein.

Ghostface Killah is notoriously difficult to track down. He wore a mask when the Wu-Tang Clan first came out, allegedly because he was hiding his face because he was wanted by the police. This doesn't make a ton of sense -- if the cops heard that a wanted man was running around in a mask, and that said wanted man was a musician with a record deal, even Roscoe P. Coltrane could connect the dots and go to the record label to find out who signed the contract.

But I digress. Ghostface has a history of elusiveness, and it comes as no surprise that Jack Urbont came up emptyhanded when he went to serve Ghostdini at the Emerald City. Service was therefore effected by leaving the required documents with someone else residing at GFK's crib.

This is interesting for two reasons. First, the complaint and summons were left with Ghostface's son, Infinity. As in Infinity, not Infiniti. Although you could probably install an Infinity in your Infiniti, or defend your Infiniti with an Infinity, or insure your Infiniti through Infinity, or maybe if you catch something in the backseat of your Infiniti you can treat the sickness with something from Infinity. Whatever. I'm not sure if Infinity is the same son as Sun "he came out my dick" God, but either way Infinity is a pretty unusual name for a man. Indeed, I would even go so far as to characterize the name as somewhat effete. I guess this reflects more on the suitability of Ghostface's discretion than Infinity's so service was proper.

Second, Pretty Toney keeps it real. I won't post his address but he still lives in Staten Island and if Google street view is accurate, his abode lends futher credence to the idea that MC's exaggerate their splendor (e.g., Ghostface doesn't have a guest house).

The point? That Jack Urbont really might be a fan of hiphop. To wit, he can say that he served Ghostface.



Just like old times at Unit M.

Badass Chronicles

I'm reading Susan Casey's The Wave, an examination of the phenomenon of enormous waves from the perspectives of scientists, merchant mariners, and tow surfers. Alpha male Laird Hamilton is featured prominently in the book. Hamilton's ride of Teahupoo, a notoriously dangerous Tahitian break, detailed in this video lives in legend as one of the seminal moments in big-wave surfing history. It's also preposterously cool.

Gheorghe: the Jinx

We'd like to apologize. Exhaustive research by our team of sabremetricians has concluded that Gheorghe: the Blog has been contributing to Tim Wakefield's difficulty in securing his 200th career victory. See, we've had this post on ice since late July when Wake went 6 2/3 innings to beat the Mariners and record the 199th win of his 20-year big league adventure. (The fact that he gave up 10 hits and 7 earned runs in beating the M's is entirely fitting.) It appears that our premature postulation has stalled the knuckleballer's pursuit of the milestone, as he's failed to post a win in 4 starts since we drafted it, despite pitching into the the 7th inning or beyond in each of those outings.

Our bad.

Because accountability is one of the hallmarks of our editorial policy (it's the reason our ratings are outpacing those of the mainstream media by such a wide margin), we're here to rectify our error by posting in celebration of Tim Wakefield's 199th career win. Enjoy, then.

Even if I gave ten guesses, I'd wager than far fewer than 25% of sports fans would correctly identify the active major league leader in pitching wins. (Note: if you've read the information above this paragraph you'd have a reasonably good chance at being in that savvy minority.) Veteran Red Sox hurler and all around prince of a guy Tim Wakefield recorded his 199th career victory on July 24, pitching into the 7th inning as the Sox pounded the Seattle Mariners, 12-8. Since he broke in with the Pirates in 1992, only ten pitchers have recorded more wins*, and most of those guys are going to the Hall of Fame.

While I've said some things about Wake that I probably regret in the heat of the cover-your-eyes-afraid-to-watch moment, he's in my top 5 favorite athletes of all-time. When the stars aligned and his feel was on, watching Wakefield confound a lineup of professional hitters with his low-effort flutterballs was to be in the presence of a low-fi virtuoso. And even when things weren't going to plan, Wake's outings offered comic relief, none more so than Game 5 of the 2004 ALCS, when Jason Varitek allowed three knucklers to elude him in the top of the 13th inning before Wakefield eventually stranded Yankees on 2nd and 3rd base.

That 2004 season was special for Sox fans for so many reasons, but Wakefield's redemption was one of the best storylines. After Grady Little's inexplicable brain fart enabled the Yankees to tie the game, Wake surrended Aaron Boone's walk-off series winner. It seemed at the time impossibly cruel. And when the Sox won the World Series just one year later, I wrote the following despite the fact that Wakefield didn't pitch very well at all in that Series against the Cardinals:

Now, though, I'm thinking about Tim Wakefield. Of all the Sox on this team, all the magnificent idiots who will go down as legends, Tim Wakefield is the one for whom I'm happiest. His grief after last year's ALCS loss, after he stood on his head for 2 games before finally failing against Aaron Boone, was the single worst part of that series. That this guy who has been so unselfishly team-oriented for so long had to spend the last year agonizing over 1 pitch is cosmically unfair. That he now has a World Series ring is spectacular payback.

Wakefield is 7 wins away from tying the Texas Con Man and Cy Young for first place on the Red Sox' all-time wins list (and he's well ahead of the second guy on the Sox' all-time losses list). He's played every role possible on a pitching staff, glamorous and dirty alike, and played them each without complaint or self-aggrandizement. After being nominated more than a half-dozen times, he won the 2010 Roberto Clemente Award, given to the player who both excels on the field and gives back to his community. In an era and a business full of me-first assholes, all Wake ever did was show up every day, do his job the best way he knew how, take responsibility when he failed, praise his teammates when he succeeded, and go home without fanfare.

If there's truly a Baseball God, he'll let Wake hang on long enough to record 8 more W's. But if we're looking at the standings for the best human beings to wear the Olde Towne Team's uniform, I don't think we need to go very far down the list to get to Tim Wakefield.
________________________________________________________________

*Here are the ten pitchers to record more wins than Wakefield since 1992:

Greg Maddux (280)
Mike Mussina (266)
Randy Johnson (259)
Tom Glavine (252)
Andy Pettitte (240)
Jamie Moyer (233)
Roger Clemens (220)
Pedro Martinez (219)
Curt Schilling (212)