Rappers Are In Danger

KRS-ONE's lyrics are timeless. "Sound of the Police," "Bo! Bo! Bo!," and "Who Protects Us From You?" are all 20+ years old but these anthems against police brutality are relevant today. "P Is Free," "Love's Gonna Get'cha," "Drug Dealer," and "Illegal Business" are also 20+ years old but still reflect the impact of illegal drugs on American life.

Also relevant is his 1995 single Rappaz R.N. Dainja in which he states "Some rappers like to come to the party, hopin' to leave with somebody, check, I come with skills and I leave with your motherfuckin' respect."



Simply put, MCs can't stay out of court.

The latest rapper to put down the mic and file a complaint is Andre Roxx, whose real name is Marques Andre Johnson. Andre Roxx (not to be confused with Greg Rocks) is a member of the Midwest Killa Beez. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but he asserts that this makes him an "affiliate" of the Wu-Tang Clan--apparently there's a West Coast Killa Beez and presumably other directional Killa Beez consortia.

This is relevant because there's a guy named Andre Johnson who goes by Christ Bearer (not to be confused with Paul Bearer), and he's a member of the West Coast Killa Beez. In a haze of drugs and depression, Christ Bearer decided to cut his penis off and commit suicide by jumping out a window. He was successful in all but one aspect of this endeavor: he survived the fall. A reattachment procedure failed, but he's past the depression and in a good place, positing "I'm alive, penis or no penis."

You can intuitively see why this story is newsworthy. Somewhere along the way though, the injured party's identity got garbled. "Wu-Tang affiliate and Killa Beez member Andre Johnson" was confused with "Wu-Tang affiliate and Killa Beez member Marques Andre Johnson" and the penile puncture was attributed to the wrong rapper. Various media outlets reported that Andre Roxx sliced his schlong when it was really Christ Bearer who diced his dong.

You can see how this might happen--I've addressed this exact situation before (in the comments). These types of details are important, at least to Andre Roxx. As an initial matter, Andre Roxx was in a Pennsylvania jail when Christ Bearer mutilated his manhood and jumped out the window at a party. While this provides factual cover for Roxx, his fellow inmates didn't appreciate this nuance and took it as an invitation to start "threatening, harassing and attacking him." He wound up in protective custody and isolation.

Once released he "made thousands of telephone calls, to every disc jockey and promoter he knew, as well as cold calls to clubs and promoters, but was unable to generate any interest." The take-home here is that if you're going to present yourself as a tough-as-nails MC from the streets of Shaolin, you have to have fully intact genitals. Indeed, Bar Stool Sports opined "How can you be a rapper without a dick? What's even the point? Would be like being a blogger with no hands."

Despite the fact that most if not all of the media outlets covering this story corrected the self-immolator's identity within a day or two, the Wu-Tang Clan went so far as to renounce Andre Roxx on their website, stating "This M*********** Ain't Got S*** to do with The WUTANG Brand" next to a photo of Andre Roxx (and not Christ Bearer). He thus lost his Killa Beez status, and with it the opportunity to make $2000-$4500 per performance, with bookings occurring 4-6 times a week.

Predictably, social media commentators piled on. Upon the online release of his next single, people commented stuff like "This shit so hard make me wanna hack my dick off and jump off something tall" and "Look, it's the dickless wonder" and "bye bye Johnson" (a play on his last name).

Perhaps the most painful impact is on his social life, "as many people who might otherwise be social or romantic connections do not want to be seen in public with him." Everyone swipes left on Andre Roxx because they think he's cockless.

So he did the only thing he could do. He hired a bankruptcy lawyer and filed a complaint in Federal court in Delaware. Well, I suppose he could've hired a commercial litigator or, heaven forfend, an IP litigator to handle the potential soft IP causes of action. Instead he has two counts of libel and a false light invasion of privacy claim. Negligent infliction of emotional distress might've been a nice count to include and maybe something like a Lanham Act violation for improperly tarnishing Andre Roxx's brand, but who knows what the laws of Delaware look like. It's not like they're available online or anything.

Andre Roxx requested a jury and as usual I think being impaneled in this case would be a hoot. And the closing argument will be a snap. After Andre Roxx takes the stand and drops his pants to establish his unmarred member to the jury, his lawyer can simply state "His junk's in place so he wins the case." Or "His dork ain't cut so it's open and shut." Or "His pecker is viable so defendants are liable." The closing really writes itself.

I'll let you know how this all shakes out.

Gheorghemas Is The Giving Season, Pt. 2

It's beginning to look a lot like springtime, as it's a balmy 69 degrees in Virginia, but it's still the holiday season -- that holiday being Gheorghemas!

As we round out the home stretch of your Gmas offerings, here comes another batch of gifts from the original gri-onch, Clarence.

For Mark and Zman: this is a dandy.

The Rap Year Book: The Most Important Rap Song From Every Year Since 1979, Discussed, Debated, and Deconstructed

This thing looks bad-assed.  It could be all flair and no pizza shooters, shrimp poppers or extreme fajitas, but were I to judge a book by its cover (and a brief peek via Barnes and Noble), I'd say it's solid. The book is fodder for arguments of the significance of each year's selections (e.g., no tunes by the three bad brothers you know so well), but in my milieu of early to mid-80's rap, I see no egregious inclusions.  This gift is for Mark and Z, but I wanna borrow it.  Friends... how many of us have them?


For Dave:

Very Semi-Serious: A Partially Thorough Portrait of New Yorker Cartoonists

A documentary of the world of New Yorker cartoons, the cartoon department, the cartoonists, etc. Dave has been a cartoonist since we sat in college classrooms not paying attention together.  I would play the initials game and flirt gamelessly with co-eds; Dave would doodle and make cartoons.  Later he submitted captions and possibly even cartoons to the magazine.  Enjoy.

For Danimal:

Sorry, dude.  It's not worth that much, but it's not nothing, either.

Until the next time, Happy Gmas!

Cheers,
Clarence

Brought a Butter Knife to a Tank Battle

Manufactured outrage is a cottage industry in Washington, D.C. Our elected officials and their sycophantry expend enormous amounts of energy and money fabricating finely-honed teapot tempests designed to get party bases in full squeal about the other party's treasonous, profligate, or otherwise egregious behavior.

This week, the first couple of music found themselves the target of Republican ire, as rightwing anger was focused on Jay-Z and Beyonce's trip to Cuba. Several Florida lawmakers questioned the Carters' trip to the island nation. As tourist travel to Cuba remains illegal under Federal law, and Jay and B are Obama supporters, eyebrows were raised.

And the worst rap battle in recorded history was launched.

Hova responded in a short, but lyrically tight protest rap, namechecking Bob Dylan, Chief Keef, and President Obama while mocking politicians.



That should have been that, a minor kerfuffle fading into the dustbin of history. But white people don't know how to leave well enough alone, it seems. Especially, and oddly, white people who used to work for George W. Bush.

You're all painfully aware of MC Rove's 'rap' stylings, I assume. (Don't click that link unless you'd like to be horrified.) Karl Rove's MC stylings and accompanying 'dancing' set white people back generations. But Rove wasn't stepping into the ring against one of the greatest rappers of all time.

But Tiny D Day-P was. Former Bush Press Secretary and current Fox News contributor Dana Perino thought it prudent to try to match rhymes with Jay. It went about as well as you might expect:



Never get involved in a land war in Asia. Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line. And never, ever, ever try to match rhymes with Jay-Z when you're a 42 year-old white lady with less rhythm than a heart attack.