Dick is in the News

Dick is in the news.  

According to a recent paper in the World Journal of Men's Health, "The average erect penis length has increased over the past three decades across the world. Given the significant implications, attention to potential causes should be investigated."  And it increased significantly: "After adjusting for geographic region, subject age, and subject population; erect penile length increased 24% over the past 29 years."  That's a lot of dick growth!  To draw this conclusion, the authors searched "the literature" for "studies that evaluated penile size. Search terms included: 'Penile Length' OR ('Width' OR 'Circumference' OR 'Dimension') AND ('Erect' OR 'Flaccid' OR 'Stretched')."  I suspect "the literature" was stuff I've covered here previously.  Anyway, this is proof that career options abound for Genital Studies majors.

Also in the news: 50 Cent's dick.  Fiddy sued a spa/plastic surgery center for posting a photo of him with the owner in a manner that suggested he received penis enlargement services.  He also sued a gossip blog for perpetuating the rumor.  He settled with the blog but the dick-measuring contest litigation with the spa continues.

Also in the news: Dick Van Dyke appeared on Masked Singer as a gnome.  

Then he busted out Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and even did a little jig at the end.  Pretty impressive when you realize he's 97.

Also impressive: Dick's wife is 50.  He picked her up at the 2007 Screen Actors Guild Awards (back when he was 81 and she was 35) by spitting serious game--he said "Hi, I'm Dick."

And no bag of dicks would be complete without a Trump in it.  DJ Trump has a hot new joint out called "Justice for All" in which his hot fire verses are interspersed with singing by the J6 Prison Choir.  I am completely not making this up, the former President of the United States of America made a song with a bunch of jailed insurrectionists.  Apparently the inmates were recorded over the phone (in case you were wondering about the logistics of getting a recording studio into a prison).  Positioned as a "charity song," managed by Kash Patel and Ed Henry, "[f]unds are slated to go to an LLC run by Henry, who will then disperse the profits.  Recipients will be vetted to make sure proceeds do not benefit families of people who assaulted a police officer."  A master class in dickishness, unbounded dickery if you will--it dicks around with democracy, decency, the rule of law, even Metallica gets dicked in this story.  Here's the song.  Just be warned that watching it will probably contribute a fraction of a cent to some dickhead insurrectionist or directly to DJ Trump (which I guess is the same thing).

Rappers Are In Danger

KRS-ONE's lyrics are timeless. "Sound of the Police," "Bo! Bo! Bo!," and "Who Protects Us From You?" are all 20+ years old but these anthems against police brutality are relevant today. "P Is Free," "Love's Gonna Get'cha," "Drug Dealer," and "Illegal Business" are also 20+ years old but still reflect the impact of illegal drugs on American life.

Also relevant is his 1995 single Rappaz R.N. Dainja in which he states "Some rappers like to come to the party, hopin' to leave with somebody, check, I come with skills and I leave with your motherfuckin' respect."



Simply put, MCs can't stay out of court.

The latest rapper to put down the mic and file a complaint is Andre Roxx, whose real name is Marques Andre Johnson. Andre Roxx (not to be confused with Greg Rocks) is a member of the Midwest Killa Beez. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but he asserts that this makes him an "affiliate" of the Wu-Tang Clan--apparently there's a West Coast Killa Beez and presumably other directional Killa Beez consortia.

This is relevant because there's a guy named Andre Johnson who goes by Christ Bearer (not to be confused with Paul Bearer), and he's a member of the West Coast Killa Beez. In a haze of drugs and depression, Christ Bearer decided to cut his penis off and commit suicide by jumping out a window. He was successful in all but one aspect of this endeavor: he survived the fall. A reattachment procedure failed, but he's past the depression and in a good place, positing "I'm alive, penis or no penis."

You can intuitively see why this story is newsworthy. Somewhere along the way though, the injured party's identity got garbled. "Wu-Tang affiliate and Killa Beez member Andre Johnson" was confused with "Wu-Tang affiliate and Killa Beez member Marques Andre Johnson" and the penile puncture was attributed to the wrong rapper. Various media outlets reported that Andre Roxx sliced his schlong when it was really Christ Bearer who diced his dong.

You can see how this might happen--I've addressed this exact situation before (in the comments). These types of details are important, at least to Andre Roxx. As an initial matter, Andre Roxx was in a Pennsylvania jail when Christ Bearer mutilated his manhood and jumped out the window at a party. While this provides factual cover for Roxx, his fellow inmates didn't appreciate this nuance and took it as an invitation to start "threatening, harassing and attacking him." He wound up in protective custody and isolation.

Once released he "made thousands of telephone calls, to every disc jockey and promoter he knew, as well as cold calls to clubs and promoters, but was unable to generate any interest." The take-home here is that if you're going to present yourself as a tough-as-nails MC from the streets of Shaolin, you have to have fully intact genitals. Indeed, Bar Stool Sports opined "How can you be a rapper without a dick? What's even the point? Would be like being a blogger with no hands."

Despite the fact that most if not all of the media outlets covering this story corrected the self-immolator's identity within a day or two, the Wu-Tang Clan went so far as to renounce Andre Roxx on their website, stating "This M*********** Ain't Got S*** to do with The WUTANG Brand" next to a photo of Andre Roxx (and not Christ Bearer). He thus lost his Killa Beez status, and with it the opportunity to make $2000-$4500 per performance, with bookings occurring 4-6 times a week.

Predictably, social media commentators piled on. Upon the online release of his next single, people commented stuff like "This shit so hard make me wanna hack my dick off and jump off something tall" and "Look, it's the dickless wonder" and "bye bye Johnson" (a play on his last name).

Perhaps the most painful impact is on his social life, "as many people who might otherwise be social or romantic connections do not want to be seen in public with him." Everyone swipes left on Andre Roxx because they think he's cockless.

So he did the only thing he could do. He hired a bankruptcy lawyer and filed a complaint in Federal court in Delaware. Well, I suppose he could've hired a commercial litigator or, heaven forfend, an IP litigator to handle the potential soft IP causes of action. Instead he has two counts of libel and a false light invasion of privacy claim. Negligent infliction of emotional distress might've been a nice count to include and maybe something like a Lanham Act violation for improperly tarnishing Andre Roxx's brand, but who knows what the laws of Delaware look like. It's not like they're available online or anything.

Andre Roxx requested a jury and as usual I think being impaneled in this case would be a hoot. And the closing argument will be a snap. After Andre Roxx takes the stand and drops his pants to establish his unmarred member to the jury, his lawyer can simply state "His junk's in place so he wins the case." Or "His dork ain't cut so it's open and shut." Or "His pecker is viable so defendants are liable." The closing really writes itself.

I'll let you know how this all shakes out.

Sunday At The Open: Open Thread

What do the following five people have in common, other than never having been in my kitchen?

That's right, they're all Dicks.  Unfortunately, you will have to listen to one blather on all day.   Enjoy the wicker baskets, Notah Begay's awkward commentary, and FIGJAM's moobs.