The Washington Wizards have a new logo

And we want your thoughts. Gone are the days of the glidin', finga rollin' Wiz man...

Replaced today with this new primary logo:

Sooooo, whatcha think? Let us know in the comments. I know one person (thing?) excited about the new look:

See You In The Second Round, Bitches**

Bro hugs

The Washington Wizards, yes, the Washington Wizards, vanquished the higher-seeded Chicago Bulls last night in their first round playoff match-up. The Wiz last won a playoff series in 2005, coincidentally also on Chicago's home floor (we were at Champps post-softball when Gil hit the game winner), and prior to that I think the last playoff series win was in the early 80's (this is why we need a research intern). For some reason (the history of the franchise), not many folks gave Washington a chance in this series. I wasn't one of those people:

So, adios Chicago, adios Carlos Booze and his Wooly Willy beard, adios Kirk Hinrich and his Rec Specs, adios Mark's boy Joakim Noah. Only two first round playoff series have concluded so far, and amazingly one of them includes the victorious Wizards. Washington now awaits the winner of the upstart #8 seed Hawks vs. the vomiting-all-over-themselves #1 seed Pacers (seriously, I CANNOT wait until we find out what actually happened amongst the personalities in that locker room). Here's hoping that series goes a full seven games so Nene can rest his Elijah Price-esque body a few extra games.

Hey Kirk, check out this loin bump

No Washington pro hoops post would be complete without this video:




Other bits I want to include in here before I begin beating them into the virtual ground via hashtag overload:

#Phase3LaronProfit

#TheCerealKillers (for those unfamiliar with this team, they have a rather unhealthy and insatiable love of (kid's) breakfast cereal

Fruity Pebbles it is
— Trevor Booker (@35_Fitz) April 30, 2014

**Cannot take credit for this headline. That is Shlara's doing. Now let's hope this team can make it to the Eastern Conference Finals.

2012-13 Wizards Preview

Our staff has been preoccupied with Frankenstorm preparation/drinking, Homecoming events, and pointless political arguments, so we've asked one of our more prominent celebrity friends to help us preview the Washington Wizards upcoming season. The Wiz open their 2012-13 campaign tonight against the Cleveland Cavaliers, as Bradley Beal makes his pro debut without John Wall and Nene alongside.

On to the preview:


I'm fairly sure he's pretty bullish on Chris Singleton, but doesn't see the Wizards getting out of the conference's basement this season.

Doofus Overlord Afteroon Update: No preview of the 2012-13 Wizards season would be complete without this fantastic GIF from Amin Vafa of Bullets Forever:

It's Draft Lottery Night, NBA Fans

And that means only one thing...no matter where the Washington Wizards end up selecting, they will likely f**k that pick up like nobody's business.

"TJ, you exaggerate, you loud mouth fatty."

No, I really don't. The Wizards suck a bag of dicks when it comes to drafting NBA-caliber talent. The proof:

Look at that list. What a traveshamockery.

Washington Wizards Earn First Road Win, Rashard Lewis Celebrates In Most Wiz Way Ever

Oh, the Wizards. Even when they win, they lose. Washington (4-16) won their first road game of the season Saturday night, defeating the Bobcats 102-99 in Charlotte. It was the Wizards' first road win since April of last year, in fact. It also meant they are no longer the worst team in the NBA (shocking, I know). That's good news, right. Exciting stuff. Because I am a glutton for punishment, I watched the whole game (we'll ignore the fact the Wiz only won by three despite Charlotte being without five players, including their top two scorers). Dan Steinberg, aka @dcsportsbog, captured the jubilation on interim coach Randy Wittman's face after this rousing road victory (stoic, stone-faced excitement from the Fred Gwynne look alike...@recordsANDradio had a few choice pics in there too). And I was lucky enough to grab this gem of a pic as the game ended:

This is where I'm about to go off the rails. The Wizards had just won their first road game of the season (and fourth game in 20 tries), and what's this I see? Rashard Lewis is autographing a sneaker for a woman 15 seconds after the game ends (no, seriously, it was 15 seconds after the game). No time for you, Coach, my $22 million dollar ass needs to sign this autograph, for this particular woman. But wait folks, it gets better. THE WOMAN IS ANDRAY BLATCHE'S MOTHER. RASHARD LEWIS COULD CARE LESS ABOUT A RARE ROAD WIN AND IS IGNORING HIS HEAD COACH TO AUTOGRAPH A SNEAKER FOR 7 DAY DRAY'S MOM. [many thanks to @trevorjackson85 of Wizards Extreme and @jpoe82 for this picture, and the one below]

Slow down, overly angry typer, how can you be sure that is Blatche's mom? Well, luckily for us, Comcast chose to show her and her friends enjoying the game earlier. Take a look at the shirt. It's the same woman. And, before you say I have something against Blatche (a dude who played eight minutes in the Charlotte game and may or may not have left with a calf injury/excessive pouting) and am just making up that this was his mom for effect, I did a little digging.

Here is a story about Blatche's mom from the Syracuse Post-Standard. I did some particularly shoddy copy/paste/snipping work of the article pic and another pic from the game. Look at the picture of the woman. I'm no facial recognition expert, but those two faces appear extremely similar. It's Blatche's mom.

So, to reiterate, a guy making 22 million dollars a year blew off his coach after a win to immediately sign a sneaker for the mother of an underachieving, pouty teammate, who just so happens to be the captain of this sinking ship.

Ladies and gentleman, your 2011-2012 Washington Wizards.

Flipped Out

Courtesy of FOG:TB Wheelhouse (R.I.P) Geoff, Ernie Grunfeld ended today's press conference announcing the firing of Flip Saunders as Wizards coach with the following words to live by:

"Just because you're losing doesn't mean you're a loser."

He left out the little known codicil, "Unless you're the Wizards, in which case your loserdom is self-evident."

This picture, taken two years ago, is the last known evidence of Flip Saunders smiling. Until today.

Soundtrack of a Season, Part 2: Pam McGee Edition

Hope everyone enjoyed Part 1 of our "Soundtrack of a Season" series, in which we chose some apt tunes for members of the 2011-2012 Washington Wizards. I had grand plans of coming up with three new songs for three more dudes on the roster, but then I saw the Mike Wise article in the Washington Post, in which he interviews JaVale McGee's mom, Pamela McGee. If you have not read it yet, it is a doozy. I particularly enjoyed this "she doth protest too much" gem of a quote from Pam:
"He is not a knucklehead"

Some Wizards fans may disagree with Pam on that one (you can count me among that group). In honor of JaVale and Pamela McGee, I have chosen three appropriate tracks for today's installment (whittling it down to three was not easy). Hope you all enjoy.

And don't forget, vote JaVale for the All-Star team. Please. So he'll stop freakin' tweeting about it.

"Mother", Danzig: Just. Too. Easy.



"Only Mama Knows", Paul McCartney: Read the article. Pam McGee is quite certain her son is being underutilized.


And finally, for the Yacht Rock crowd, the Loggins and Messina classic "Your Mama Don't Dance". Pam may not dance, but she sure as hell knows how to lay a smooch on a NBA Hall of Famer.

Soundtrack of a Season, Part 1: The 2011-12 Washington Wizards

The 2011-2012 Washington Wizards are bad. Historically bad. "Worst start in franchise history" bad (which actually is hard to believe, right?). The Wiz just got worked in a home-and-home with the Philadelphia 76ers, and are now a stellar 1-11 this season. I'll stop after this note, and get to the fun stuff: the Wizards have one win. EVERY OTHER TEAM HAS AT LEAST THREE.

In other words, Washington needs to spice things up, ans I have a suggestion. Intro songs for each  individual player. As chosen by me. These songs should also be played anytime the Washington player appears on the Jumbotron. Ted Leonsis, I hope you're listening...

You 2011-2012 Washington Wizards roster, set to music (Part 1** of how ever many I actually do):

#7, Andray Blatche, F
For some asinine reason, Ernie Grunfeld and Flip Saunders felt it wise to name Andray Blatche the captain of this team. For that alone they should both be dismissed. I found the perfect classic rock tune to remind us of the epic #BlatcheCaptaincy every time his sulking, doughy mug is showed on the big screen.


#22, Shelvin Mack, G
An extremely lazy selection by me, showing no creativity by me, other than the ability to match a last name to a song in a contrive filler post. But I do enjoy the jam. And it will now be stuck in your head all day.


#24, Jan Vesely, F
The final entry today is the easiest of all. Watching Jan Vesely run around like a goofball is one of the few enjoyable things about this Wizards team. I want to hear this theme 6 to 9 times a game.

 

**I am lazy as sin, so you only get three players this time around. rob demanded filler, so this is what you're getting.

With The Sixth Pick In The 2011 NBA Draft...

...the Washington Wizards will most likely select a foreign dude who ends up as a huge bust (Jan Vesely, Jonas Valanciunas, etc.). It's what history demands.

This will be the fifth time in Bullets/Wizards history that the team has chosen sixth. Their previous four choices with the sixth pick?
Jerry Sloan in 1965
Mel Turpin in 1984
Tom Gugliotta in 1992
Calbert Cheaney in 1993

The history of the sixth pick is pretty entertaining. I embedded a screen grab below of all the sixth picks since 1980, and it's an eclectic mix of guys...with nary a superstar on the list. Who's the best guy on this list - Hawkins? Kenny the Jet? Um...Battier? And who the hell is Mike O'Koren?

Flip should've just DNP'd the whole squad

Instead, the Wizards played everyone they had last night.  And it didn't help.  Hell, the Magic played everyone they had too...it helps when you're up 30 the whole game.  It keeps Gortata and Ryan Anderson in shape.

A very light slate of games last night, so the only DNP:CDs to report:
Garret Siler and Earl Clark (Suns)
Jeremy Evans (Jazz)

Which is funny, because I created that "Garret Siler Watch" label for the first of these goofy posts, thinking he might be our leader in the clubhouse all year, but I think Semih Erden of the Celts will have something to say about that before all is said and done.

Now to get to work on the DNP:CDs scoreboard jpeg...

The Sinking of the Ship

"ATHENS, Greece - A Greek cruise ship that struck a volcanic reef and forced the evacuation of hundreds of tourists sank on Friday, 15 hours after it began taking on water off the coast of a Mediterranean island. A Frenchman and his daughter were missing, officials said.

Passengers on Thursday climbed down rope ladders to coast guard boats below in a three-hour rescue that involved Greece's military, commercial ships and local fishermen from the island of Santorini. Passengers on the cruise were mostly American, and also included groups from Canada and Spain.

The Sea Diamond struck rocks in the sea-filled crater formed by a volcanic eruption 3,500 years ago. Tourists gathered on clifftop towns and villages to watch the rescue.

The 469-foot Sea Diamond was operated by Louis Cruise Lines, part of a Cyprus-based tourism group. The Merchant Marine Ministry said 1,195 passengers and 391 crew members were on board.

'Whoever is responsible for this will be held accountable in the strictest way,' Tourism Minister Fanny Palli Petralia said. 'Greece is a major tourism destination and incidents like this must not be allowed to occur. ... Authorities handled the rescue very well.'

Authorities on Santorini said they were working to contain a small oil spillage from the sunken ship."

***Meanwhile, halfway around the world, there was eerily similar but more disastrous news...

"WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Put the Hibachi in storage. Gilbert Arenas is essentially done for the season.

The Washington Wizards point guard had surgery Thursday for a left knee injury that will sideline him for two to three months. Even the most optimistic scenario has him coming back only if his team manages to make the NBA finals without him.

'You start feeling good about yourself, and then everything goes wrong,' said (the also injured) Caron Butler. 'I'm telling you, we don't need a weight room, we need a preacher.'"

After leading the Eastern Conference at this season's All-Star break, the Wizards are limping into the playoffs. They could still be bumped from postseason play, mathematically speaking, but although Washington will be lucky to win even one more game this season, with the East comprised mostly of flotsam and other sorts of wreckage, it's unlikely their collapse will be that complete. The Wiz currently possess a 39-35 record with eight regular-season games to play. There is little doubt that they will finish with a losing record, a futile second-half combination of poor play and bad luck.

Only the return of a certain 7'7" superhero could save them now . . .
* * *
In life, it's uncanny how frequently such bizarre parallels do occur. Both vessels suffered slow, steady declines that hit their nadir at about the same moment. Of the two events, the sunken cruise liner is reported to have a better chance of successful recovery.