How Do Ya Like Them Apples?

Tom Brown sounds like the name of a guy in the witness protection program, but he's a 79-year-old retired chemical engineer who loves apples.  More specifically, he spends his retirement researching and hunting for obscure apple varieties in Appalachia.  I know this because I read this article.

So far Mr. Brown found over 1,200 different varieties of apples, some that were thought lost for over 100 years, and he grows them on his orchard, Heritage Apples.  Oddball names include Greasy Ball, Bug Horn, Curtis Cheese, Cow's Snout, Smutty, and None Better Seek No Further.  

I never knew there were so many different kinds of apples.  This is a pretty wholesome way to spend one's retirement.

Kitten Filter For the Win

 I do not suggest doing this in a judicial proceeding.  Not even in Texas.

Absurd Filler Tricks

Because sometimes stupid and brilliant are two sides of the same coin.

I Come Bearing Mashup Magic

Sure, it's not the Muppets, but it's definitely in our wheelhouse:



[H/T here]

Put Some Funk Into Your Hump Day

This song makes me happy. It could be linked with a post I made last week, but I believe I have already pushed beyond the group's tolerance for my thoughts on coital tendencies.

And the best part of the post (other than the tune, duh) is that most of these tags have been used before.

Urbont Live!

I don't have an update on Jack Urbont's appeal, but I do have an update on Urbont himself. In the video below he performs each of his Marvel songs with a brief preface explaining the back story.



I love how he cannily notes that he wrote these songs on spec (as opposed to works for hire). His interpretation of the Iron Man song (starting around 1:55) is a bit jazzier than the version from the show. He seems like a nice guy, but clearly he's nothing to fuck with.

Friday Music Filler

Like most old ladies, zmother likes to forward me stupid emails that she gets from her friends. Today, however, she forwarded me something that I find inexplicably entertaining. Playback.fm has a feature that will tell you the #1 song on the day you were born. My birthday jam is predictably dope:



And it was kismet that zwoman and I would get married based on her quite strong birthday song:



Other notably good birthday joints in zfamily:

zgrandmother: Down Hearted Blues by Bessie Smith

zstepsister: Come Together by the Beatles

zstepbrother: Tears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson

zbrother: Let's Dance by David Bowie

zsister: Don't You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds

This feature also includes a link to the song you were conceived to (i.e., the #1 song 9 months prior to your birth). Perhaps unsurprisingly, zwoman was conceived to (You're) Having My Baby by Paul Anka and Odia Coates, while I was conceived to Give Me Love (Give Me Peace on Earth) by George Harrison.

And zdaughter was, predictably, conceived to Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke.

Waste a little time this Friday and tell me whatcha got in the comments.

Happy National Pie Day

Vintage Rock...have fun in the comments with this made-up holiday.

 

I think the picture speaks for itself

G:TB Technology Hour

Let it never be said that our man Ghitza isn't cutting the edge. Here, in a candid moment captured by one of our numerous field agents, he's shown making a phone call on an iPad - even though such thing is said to be impossible. His hands are huuuge.

More Draft PRETTY Please!

I don't know about you guys, but I was kind of sick at looking at that dude's breasts. If I wanted to spend this evening looking at dudes' breasts, I'd walk into the bathroom, tear off this Indiana State Fair Corndog t-shirt (casual Friday), and stare at my tig ole bitties in the mirror. Therefore, you are getting yet another post in which to comment on Rounds 2 and 3 of the NFL Draft tonight. But wait, I'd be remiss if I didn't leave you with some nuggets from the draft section (re: bowels) of G:TB...a concept column once called "Gheorghe-pourri"...

**Whitney also didn't want to miss out on Filler Week, but unfortunately for him I was too lazy to load this clip up anytime in the last three days. Please, enjoy now. Actually, wait, now I remember what this clip was about. Um, good luck:


**TR left a college hoops post in drafts for a long time entitled"Here's to THE Loser! (and Several Other Losers)". Everytime I saw it I thought it deserved this as a soundtrack, which means I'm posting it, whether it was 21% done or 90% done:
The winner of the 2009-10 0-fer-the-conference award goes to the tri-state area's favorite Jesuit school, the Fordham Rams. The feeble Rams got pasted in all 16 of their conference games this year and finished a meager 2-26 overall. And while the A-10 has gotten some of its strongest press since the Lamar Odom and Yinka Dare days, let's face facts that it's not a brutal conference by any measure. No offense to the alma maters of Lionel Simmons, Jameer and Delonte or the late, great Dare, there are some soft teams in the lower rung of this conference. The average margin of loss was over 17 points in conference play, with only one legitimate squeaker, a 78-76 loss to UMass to start conference play.

After firing head coach Dereck Whittenburg (yes, THAT Whittenburg) in early December, things turned sour up in the Boogie Down Bronx. We salute you, Rams of Fordham. May your fans be allowed to drink away their sorrows in the venerable Dagger John's, the bar that is ingenuously located beneath your home court.

Honorable mention losers:

DePaul: 1-17 in Big East play, 8-23 overall.

Rice: 1-15 in Conference USA play, 8-23 overall. They don't care because they're smarter than you.

Dartmouth: 1-13 in Ivy League play, 5-23 overall. See Rice explanation.
Marist: 1-17 in MAAC play, 1-29 overall.

Toledo: 1-15 in Mid-American play, 4-28 overall.
Air Force: 1-15 in Mountain West play, 10-21 overall. Hard to crush a bunch of pilots that went 9-6 in OOC play.
Bryant: 1-17 in Northeast play , 1-29 overall. Arguably the worst showing in the nation. The Northeast is a putrid conference and the school could barely remain competitive. If you're wondering if your author had heard of the school before March 2010, the answer is a resounding no. The school appears to be located in Rhode Island. Their motto is "The Character for Success." Good for them.

UT-Martin: 1-17 in Ohio Valley play, 4-25 overall. The school is in Martin, TN. It has a friggin'rodeo program. I had no idea it was a rodeo sport. Awesome.

**I wanted to be cute the other day and say "Look, I found John Smoltz, looks like he doesn't want to pitch anymore..."then I got high...
**Finally, I searched the interwebs for the best second round picks of all time, and found a link which I now stupidly deleted, but had these names on it:

QB Brett Favre ’91

DE Fred Dean ’75
RB Thurman Thomas ’88

DE Mike Strahan ’93
RB Roger Craig ’83

DT Howie Long ’81
WR Chad Ochocinco ’01

DT Fred Smerlas ’79
WR Wesley Walker ’77

LB Jack Ham ’71
TE Dave Casper ’74

LB Jack Lambert ’74
OT Dan Dierdorf ’71

LB Rickey Jackson ’81
OT John Elliott ’88

CB Eric Allen ’88
G Steve Wisniewski ’89

CB Lem Barney ’67
G Larry Allen ’94

S Brian Dawkins ’96
C Dwight Stephenson ’80

S Tim McDonald ’87

Wither Darren Sharper?

Courtesy of the Z-Man

Your Wednesday filler...it appears many of these videos were removed, but of those that remain, this one still has me laughing:

Jump Around

Many readers write in to us asking for a peek at some of our contributors. Well, here's a chance to meet G:TBers up close and personal. This video features Mark, who goes by the stage name "Brett Domino," and TJ as the lumbering, blundering sidekick "Steven." They're performing a medley of the honkiest hip-hop selections of the 80's and 90's. Enjoy.

(And Dave, we may need to invest in these things for Random Idiots.)

Be Careful Out There, People

Here's a twist on Teejay's usual weird news reporting. This happened in my town, a matter of blocks from where I live. On Tuesday night, two separate idiots in locations just a handful of blocks from each other, within hours of each other, drove their vehicles into buildings. I don't mean they pulled into a garage. And I don't even mean they merely hit the buildings. Their cars went through walls.

A 7-11 over on Granby Street and my neighborhood hardware store had gaping holes in them yesterday. A rush job construction repair means that you now can no longer see the hedge clippers and masonry nails on the shelves of the store while you sat at the stoplight at the adjacent intersection.

What are they putting in the water (or fire-water) down here?

Cars plow into Norfolk stores

By 13News, www.wvec.com

An employee cleans up after the crash.

NORFOLK – Police say a man lost control of his car and careened into a convenience store early Wednesday. It happened around 1:00 a.m. at the 7-Eleven on Granby Street, close to the Virginia Zoo.

Officers say the driver got out through the front window and ran off, but he was caught a short time later. He’s charged with leaving the scene of an accident. No one in the store was injured, but the building was damaged.

Crews assess the damage to the Taylor's Do-It Center building.

Hours later, a vehicle ran into Taylor’s Do-It Center on 35th and Colley Avenue, knocking out large pieces of concrete at the building's corner. Crews were cleaning up the debris and working to repair the damage.

Filler. Cut with baking powder.

Rob took the first swings at the complacency piñata the other day, so I figured I'd jump on board today...

Memo to China: Stop exporting tainted/poisonous/deadly products. It's really hurting your rap. Seriously, tainted toys, dog treats, toothpaste, pajamas AND chop sticks? You'd think in a country with one billion people they could find 20 or so qualified safety inspectors. Then again, you'd think an elite D-1 college football team could find an adequate kicker, but we all know that ain't the case.

I don't necessarily want to club Dusty Baker, because frankly it's too easy, but last night during the Tigers/Indians highlights Gary Sheffield's injury was mentioned, to which Baker replied "That's why they really need Monroe to step up". Hmmm, would that be Craig Monroe Dusty, a guy the Tigers designated for assignment a week ago? How about just 5 minutes of prep time a night you clown?

Speaking of Baseball Tonight, the Rangers 30 run offensive explosion left Tim Kurkjian sounding like a 12-year-old girl who'd just met Zac Efron. Calling in, Kurkjian was so excited his voice rose to decibel levels only audible to dogs and Kirsten Dunst (sorry, no idea where that shot came from).

Back to Sheff for a moment...it's so nice to see karma in play. That's right Sheff, karma just kicked you square in the nuts. And I love it.

I was perusing baseball-reference.com the other day, as I am apt to do, and I found what I consider a very enjoyable tidbit on new Oriole J.R. House's page. This is listed under page sponsorships:
"Voted among SI's Top 50 sports figures in WV history, J.R. is the best high school QB to ever play the game. After battling back from injuries, J.R. is ready to soar. A strong Christian, find out more at: http://www.athletesinchrist.org."
J.R., perhaps Jesus Christ can help you finally hit a curveball.

Finally, in honor of Geoffrey's impending nuptials (less than 36 hours away), here's your requisite YouTube clip of the day:

Filler. Pure Filler.

It's fake. Let's move on.

In the interest of seeing something different on top of the G:TB masthead, just a quick bet- and/or prognostication-related update. Like Anderson Cooper, we're keeping them honest.

Teejay and I bet on the relative performance of Roger Clemens and Tim Wakefield from the time the former joined the Yankees' roster. On the strength of 15 consecutive scoreless innings (Thanks, Devil Rays!), Wakefield has taken the lead in two of the three relevant categories, edging Clemens in WHIP (1.25 to 1.28) and Batting Average Against (.251 to .268). Clemens leads the ERA battle with a 3.92 mark to Wake's 4.46. Much like the race to see which diminishes faster, Whitney's brain cell count or his hairline, this one's too close to call.

Teejay bet Dennis, among others, that the Washington Nationals would lose 100 or more games this season. With Manny Acta's scrappy bunch playing as well as almost anyone in the NL, it seems that the forces of Teejay's opponents are well-positioned to rout him. At 56-69, the Nats need just win 7 of their final 37 to avoid triple-digit losses. Advantage, anyone other than Teejay.

As for me, I posited early in the season that Alex Rodriguez' homer tally would exceed the very same Nationals' win total. While A-Rod's been quite homerrific, hitting number 40 last night, his torrid April pace was unsustainable. The lesson, as always, is that I'm an idiot.