Friday Palate Teaser

Via text, The Man of Many Email Addresses (TIMMAY, phonetically) has demanded some sort of recap from my recent (amazing, awesome, you get the drift) trip to Alaska... which I will provide at some point (think Day 12 of Gheorghemas in terms of delivery). 

But, in a show of good faith, I shall provide a Friday news dump of my own (there are no scat pics, tho that would've been a great way to lure back TR) via a few random trip photos below. Zero context shall be provided, because, well I'm lazy. Accept the post count or GTFO.

More to come at a later date. In the meantime, enjoy the weekend and face-melting temperatures in much of our respective locales.

Happy Dave Winfield Birthday Day

The big man turns 70 today. Unfortunately, this means he is no longer 69 years old. Let's use the comments section today to talk about how the original Diamond Dave changed your life. Or to talk about anything else.

I'm Not a Pedo. Honest.

I canceled my $10/month Planet Fitness subscription earlier this month. It wasn't because of the cost. It was because of the idiocy. The place was a moron's Shangri La. Given the low economic hurdle to attend, it drew folks from a wide swath of life (but mostly the idiot sub-tranche within that swath). Many attendees were either extremely old, extremely obese, or both. It was a big building with high ceilings, and I could check attendance before I went. But every time I went, I would see multiple folks on cardio machines with masks below their chin/double-chin, people lifting with masks below noses, or folks wearing loose masks that were not remotely air-proof. 

To handle this, I would keep my distance, regularly wash hands and use sanitizer, and sometimes give my best stink-eye to make folks begrudgingly address their mask situation. I even went to the front desk a couple times. But all in all, it seemed pretty unsafe, for them and me. And it's too much negativity. I'm there to wail on delts, not snitch on dolts! So while I missed having access to cables, heavy dumbbells, stair climbers and the like, I wasn't going to miss potentially catching the 'rona. This group failed the "do you think they would self-quarantine if they had a symptom" eye test. In retrospect, I should have expected as much from a gym directly across the street from a restaurant called Manny's Texas Weiners. And no, Manny's is not cool. I wanted it to be cool. I went with my sons a couple times a few years ago. I wanted to buy a t-shirt. Was a bit of a bust. A flaccid weiner, if you will.  

So lesson learned on the gym, at a de minimis cost. With that said, I continue to make incremental purchases for my modest home gym set-up. I decided to buy a pair of slider discs. They are useful for stretching/cardio/interval exercises, they don't get in the way, and they are cheap (< $8!). 

I ordered a pair on Amazon. They arrived yesterday. Not sure where it was mailed from, but it was made in China. And it bummed me out when it arrived. Usually Amazon packages come in a box or a plastic bag, right?  Not this. It was "as-is" in the box, leaning against the molding next to my front door. Not sure who the Chinese Photoshop wizard is who designed this picture, but it's far creepier than I realized when making the purchase. It looks like the creatives there said "put a 14 y/o Russian girl in skimpy gear and give her a lot of lipstick."

Haven't used the sliders yet, but I already threw out the package.  Hoping that not too many dog-walking neighbors of mine saw it. The Amazon delivery person was nice enough to properly lean it so all could see the picture. Good times. 

Scraping the Archives (aka TR's Picks, Vol 1): Freddy Mercury Sure Liked Hats With Horns on 'Em

Hi folks! Gheorghemas will be back soon. In the interim, I decided to dive into the deep end of the G:TB post history. I saw that we had 247 draft posts that never made the light of day (versus 4,700+ posts that went live on the web). I decided to review the drafts that I started to see what (if any) deserved to be finished. 

Turns out there were lots of turd sandwiches! Posts I started that did not make the cut included: 1) a post I did in early 2015 opining on the Warriors' ability to set the single-season NBA wins record, and 2) a post where I tried to create a love song "battle" b/w Jack & Diane and Brenda & Eddie (Scenes From an Italian Restaurant). Heady concept, but I struggled with the delivery. And I hate Billy Joel. Other drafts were of even lesser quality. 

But there were a couple posts worth resuscitating, if only for the cause of "filler" and/or "post count." Let's start with Queen. I have no memory of starting this post in 2015, but re-reading it made me laugh. Apparently, I came across an old "video" for Another One Bites the Dust. I noticed that Freddy was into hats with horns during the video. REALLY INTO THEM. I watched the video and recorded each of the nine (!) hat changes he has during the video. I'm sure there's a horns/penis joke in there somewhere. I'll leave that part to you wordsmiths. 

Anyhoo, the video is below and the hat change time stamps are below that. Enjoy the song. And the hats. 

[Side note: Another One Bites the Dust was one of my first favorite rock tunes. My mom had the album and it was on the FM dial all the time. I used to think the title was "Another One Bites the Doctor." I was six. Cut me some slack. At least I was hip enough to dig that funky bass line.]

1:50 – purple cap w/ yellow horns

1:58 – white cap w/ purple horns
2:04 – yellow cap w/ yellow horns
2:06 – back to white w/ purple horns
2:11 – full-blown buffalo hat
2:22 – back to purple w/ yellow horns
2:26 – back to white w/ purple horns
3:06 – back to purple w/ yellow horns
3:10 – back to white w/ purple horns

Gheorghemas Interlude: I Still Love the South Park Guys Very Very Much

I have loved the South Park guys since their first episode aired. I loved their back story, including how they finally started getting in to Hollywood parties, and their goal at these parties was to fart on a celebrity and have the other capture the moment in a photograph. 

They did a deep-fake video of Trump that they released today. It's not brilliant, but it is funny and sorta immature. Hopefully, it will  irritate the people we like least these days. 

Screw masks. Let heavy metal cure COVID-19!

This video is quite silly. But it effectively relays the time-consuming, often inane, efforts others make to amuse folks on the internet (while padding our post count). Good for a Tuesday guffaw. Makes me want to crank some Slayer and gain some antibodies. 

TR Negron, Crab Legs and Risk

After letting my facial hair go unchecked for almost three months, I decided enough was enough. I was settled in at Hilton Head and didn't want to get funky tan lines from my Grizzly Adams beard.

So it was time to trim. And as any beard grower knows, half the fun of having a beard is trimming it into something ridiculous for a day or so. It is amusing to the whole family. Except the wife. I enjoy every beard trim experience. I always hope that I'll trim down to a mustache and miraculously look like Tom Selleck or Billy Crudup's Russell Hammond from Almost Famous. But I never do. I don't have a classic Kennedy jawline. When I grow a stache, it looks creepy.

When I was finishing up my trimming, I decided to trim down one last time to a Latino-style thin mustache. When I was done, I realized who I looked like. It was not Selleck. Or Russell Hammond. It was Taylor Negron. From Easy Money. When he played Julio. Who was trying to win back Jennifer Jason Leigh. That, my friends, is not an exciting fact to accept.

In non-stache news, there are few/no virus concern here in South Carolina. They have had only 400 deaths, so they are anxious to open their economy back up. They have restaurants operating at 50% capacity, and almost all retail shops are back open. Most folks do not wear masks in public, but employees (and my family and I) do. My summary advice to cooped-up families in the DC/NYC/Boston area is this: get an Outer Banks/Hilton Head house reserved ASAP and get yourself down in the south where you can let your kids finish the school year with remote learning while enjoying the sun and surf. 

My family got aggressive (in the pandemic sense) a couple nights ago. We ate indoors at a restaurant. It was a huge indoor room that was ~20% full. We couldn't keep all servers 10 feet away at all times, but we felt otherwise safe, due to washing our hands and distancing ourselves from other diners. Maybe we'll regret that decision, but it was nice to have a long-overdue return to normalcy. We ate at The Crazy Crab in Harbour Town, a family tradition meal during every HH trip. We all had crab legs. We've done it during each of our five trips here, and it's very fun now that my kids can fend for themselves.  

Deciding when/how to inch back to normalcy is a tricky personal decision every family needs to make. But after 9+ tough weeks at home in NJ, we took a deep breath and made one small step. My wife and I accepted a small amount of risk for a shellfish (and perhaps selfish) reward. I didn't buy the ingredients. I didn't have to cook them. And I didn't have to wash one goddamn dish afterwards. It kinda felt like this: 

I am Patricia. Patricia is Me. Dammit.

I often grow beards during Winter/Spring months. I am also usually employed during Winter/Spring months, which means I make an effort to keep the beard under control. But this is no ordinary Winter/Spring, given the virus and my unemployment. And as a result, this is now no ordinary beard. For the first time ever, I have refrained from any trimmage/maintenance. I'm just letting it go. And it's going. And greying, sadly.

I did not realize just how much my beard got away from me until my 12 y/o told me the other day that I looked like Lions coach (and ex-Patriots coordinator) Matt Patricia.

That, my friends, is a gut punch. He could've told me I looked like Kliff Kingsbury. Or Kyle Shanahan. Shit, I would've been okay with Joe Judge. But I got Matt Patricia. This guy.

My kids suck. I don't see the resemblance at all.

Thinking of a Master Plan Gives Us Something to Believe in

Eric B & Rakim, Poison and Israel are helping me frame thoughts as I think about when we can get ourselves out of quarantine.

News today out of Israel suggests they have a gradual plan to resume economic activity. They're thinking of a master plan. It seems extremely logical and hopefully can be mimicked over here. This plan calls for a four-phase move back to normalcy, as laid out below. Each phase would have a two-week buffer to evaluate its efficacy, before subsequent phases are rolled out. And current rules on social distancing, masks, etc. would remain in place. People over 60 and with health issues would be excluded, which will be a sticky issue for some (but not me!).

Phase 1: Technology, finance and some trade-oriented industries come back. These industries employ 10% of the population

Phase 2: Commerce and retail come back.

Phase 3: Restaurants, hotels and education come back.

Phase 4: Recreation (sports, travel, entertainment) comes back.

Not sure why, but this plan has me excited, if only because it offers a glimmer of hope. It gives me something to believe in. Even if we run out of Smithfield pork by then.

Friday Afternoon POTUS-Inspired Post: Waiting For a Miracle

The bloated Ooompa Loompa currently serving as our president is on the record saying he is hoping for a miracle to combat the coronavirus. Join the club, Donnie!  Perhaps you can do a bit more than saying that and assigning a gay conversion therapy supporter to tackle it.

But in the interim, let's just wait for a miracle and focus on the impending weekend with Jerry.

Try to compartmentalize your angst and enjoy Friday, my friends. And while you're at it, fast-forward ~69 seconds for the tune to start.

Presented Without Comment

I like the cut of Monsieur Idoux's jib.

Fashion is Dumb Two-Fer

Sent from TR, my #1 FID correspondent...worst job ever trying to put on a bow tie.

The Gore Vidal? Or is it the Paul Reubens?

And, honestly, I don't know what the hell is going on here. Is that first one a bud? Is that followed by a turd and then kale? Just terrifying awful shit.

High Fashion, y'all pic.twitter.com/k2fWrlRRA0

— Alisha 🧀✌🌊🤘🌊 (@Cptnrwrpnts) December 30, 2019

Posting the Hits

Have we posted this before? I don't know, nor do I care to research whether we have or not. It's extremely #onbrand, and quite enjoyable.

 

As On Brand as On Brand Gets

Sometimes, post copy isn't even needed:

Carrot Highway

At time of publishing, it is unclear if this road is related to the Hershey Highway.

Edit: TR, this may be the way to get to the Hershey Highway...

Nailed It

This, my friends, is a wife who very much loves her husband. Check out these new nails spotted on the book of Face yesterday:

ENHANCE

Random Inbox Fun

For no reason at all, received this email last evening at 10:04pm.

To: me
From: TR
Subject: Squirrel

Sunday Filler: Action Bronson and Dan Auerbach (of Black Keys) Make Sonic Love

I'm not the hip hop aficionados some of you clowns are, but I know a fat beat when I hear it. So I was pleasantly surprised to hear the collaboration between the Black Keys' Dan Auerbach, Action Bronson and producer Mark Ronson is pretty good. Check it out. It's likely better than the shit sandwich movie Suicide Squad, whose soundtrack features the tune.

Sunday Morning

Sunday morning! Not this Sunday morning. I meant just a good, happy late July Sunday morning.

In honor of Sunday, the sun, funky music and post counts, I strenuously urge you all to crank this tune while enjoying the video with your whole family. And then enjoy your day as much as this guy enjoys dancing like no one's watching.

Because novelty holidays seem to be the new black...

Fresh on the heels of National Cereal Day, the calendar indicates today is yet another nonsense holiday: National Pancake Day. Never one to turn down a reason to celebrate, or a pancake for that matter, let's indulge the calendarists:

via GIPHY