The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day Ten

On the tenth day of Gheorghemas 

Big Gheorghe gave to me...

Top Ten Reasons to Read a Book

Nine More Questionable Predictions

Eight Amazing Quotes from Barbie (A Shlara Joint)
Seven Weeks of Sobriety*

Six Random Items

Five Golden Auctions

Four Teams for Bitching

Three Tiny Scrappers
Two books for your Gheorghemas wish list
And a doofus to lead this country

Last night, the Ghost of Gheorghemas Past manifested himself in an otherwise sexy dream involving several tall and leggy Eastern European tennis players. Upon sight of the Ghost, the ladies scattered and it was just me and a very tall specter. And he was angry. All seven foot seven of him. 

“Where are the seven books for reading?” 

The Ghost of Gheorghemas Past asked this question in a very spooky voice. Deep and full of robotic distortion. 

He sounded like this:

Though I was scared, I had a bunch of opinions I wanted to share-- and it turns out I'm more garrulous, vociferous, and long-winded than I am frightened of very tall phantasms.

So I sat him down on the end of my bed (he was too tall to talk to while standing up) and I told him what's what. First, I went on a long-winded tirade about the rampant materialism, environmental devastation, bumper-to-bumper traffic, and unreasonable expectations surrounding the holidays.  He seemed receptive to my complaints. 

I went on to explain that seven reading recommendations were just too many recommendations. Burdensome. Overwhelming. That's the problem with all these end-of-the-year lists: they're always too long . . . and don't get me started about "recency bias."

Hey internet! Here's some advice! Stop being so haphazard and desultory! Tell me the one movie I should watch, the one book I should read, and the one album I should listen to. 

You might also want to delineate the five thousand+ TikTok videos I should consume to truly understand the youth that I teach. 

And what percentage of these videos are "mukbang"?

The problem here-- and this is certainly a First World problem-- is that I read 46 books this year and I enjoyed quite a few of them. It's really hard to recommend just one or two. You can, of course, go down the rabbit hole and listen to my podcast, We Defy Augury, which contains all my tangential thoughts on what I've read this year-- but I'm not necessarily recommending that . . . I'm just shamelessly cross-promoting to annoy Marls.

So now, in complete contradiction to what I've just declared, I'm going to recommend a random amount of books because I can't really choose among my favorites. Just pick one of these and read it. You won't be disappointed.

If you're looking for a fast-paced novel in an exotic location, you can't go wrong with Birnam Wood by New Zealander Eleanor Catton. It's an eco-thriller that pits the hippies vs. the plutocrats. It's a trip. 

Here are two BIG novels you can really get lost in:

The Little Friend by Donna Tartt. Southern Gothic to the max. 

Wellness by Nathan Hill. Probably the best novel of the year, but only read it if you're willing to reflect on the institution of marriage.

As far as non-fiction . . .

If you're getting amped up for the upcoming political shitshow, it might be good to take a step back and read Under the Eye of Power: How Fear of Secret Societies Shapes American Democracy by Colin Dickey. 

Dickey's comprehensive narrative on how secret societies and conspiratorial thinking have intermittently reared their ugly heads and influenced our democratic process might not make you feel wonderful about the near future, but at least you'll realize that this era of misinformation and polarization is nothing new: politicians have always galvanized conspiracy theories and populist support for votes and power, and this too shall pass.

If you don't want to think about the upcoming political shitshow and instead you want to reflect on your musical taste and just why you listen to the stuff you listen to (and why everyone listens to complete crap) then I have two truly excellent recommendations for you:

This Is What It Sounds Like: What the Music You Love Says About You by Susan Rogers and Ogi Ogas. 

Let's Talk About Love: Why Other People Have Such Bad Taste by Carl Wilson

Anyway, that's probably too many recommendations-- but perhaps they will appease the Ghost of Gheorghemas Past and he'll stop barging into my sexy dreams.

If you're really balls-out-committed to doing some reading in 2024, you can join me and the 99% Invisible gang and read Robert Caro's masterpiece The Power Broker. It's a 1200-page biography of Robert Moses, the paradoxical populist visionary/ruthless autocrat/car-loving douche-bag who simultaneously improved and destroyed New York City and its environs. It's also Conan O'Brien's favorite book. I bought a hardcover copy as an early Xmas gift-- it's absurdly enormous. I'm already on page 200!

And now, on to the Top Ten List . . . Letterman style? Maybe . . . I vaguely remember these from when I was a kid.

Top Ten Reasons to Read a Book

10. You can’t get genital herpes from reading in bed (unless your wife is a whore).

9. It's better than the movie.

8. Reading is the best way to own the libs.

7. A book won’t sell your personal data.

6. Looking for a good night's sleep? Reading is almost as soporific as NyQuil.

5. When you read, you learn things . . . 

The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand or, so I have read.

4. Hey hipster! Reading is more fun than learning to knit.

3. When you finish The Power Broker, Robert Caro might send you a congratulatory t-shirt.

2. It's not like you're doing well with the ladies.

1. If you don't read Communion by Whitley Strieber, then how else are you going to learn the unadulterated truth about alien abductions?

Happy Holidays, Gheorghies.