It's been a while since Gheorghe explained the election. Here are many hot takes on the 2020 Democratic primary broken down by candidate.
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The candidate: Bernie Sanders
His campaign in a sentence: free healthcare, free medicine, free college, free citizenship, and a union card for everyone
His campaign in a GIF:
Liked by: people who don’t have and can’t afford the aforementioned stuff
Disliked by: people who have the aforementioned stuff and don’t want to have to pay for other people to get it
Trump’s nickname if he gets the nomination: Bolshevik Bernie; Bernie Panders
How Trump will beat him: Trump will terrify many people with rants about socialism and communism and how Bernie will destroy the "big beautiful economy" Trump alleges to have built. Trump will run this video again and again and again:
Parenthetically, Bernie Sanders was 46 years old in 1988 yet he looked 78. We should all feel better about ourselves, or at least our appearances relative to middle-aged Bernie.
Trump will also yell words like "Sandinistas" and "Oretega" and "Castro" not only because Bernie backed them, but because it will tie him to Latin America and thus further enrage Trump's xenophobic base. Also, Putin will interfere on Trump’s behalf.
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The candidate: Pete Buttigieg
His campaign in a sentence: I am more intelligent and poised than your other options
His campaign in a GIF:
Liked by: people who look at him and are reminded of the aloof but still likable valedictorian of their elite undergraduate university
Disliked by: people who did not go to an elite undergraduate university; people who went to an elite undergraduate university and did not find their aloof valedictorian to be likable
Trump’s nickname if he gets the nomination: Gayor Pete; some bad pun involving “Butt”
How Trump will beat him: This will be ugly. Trump unabashedly ran on racism and xenophobia in 2016. If Buttigieg gets the nomination Trump will expand his platform to include homophobia. Trump will say things like “Can you imagine this guy negotiating with Putin? Vlad would have his way with him! And you know what, Pete would like that!” Or “Kim Jong-Un would have Pete on his knees in seconds [waits a beat] and Pete is probably looking forward to it!” Buttigieg’s military service will carry no weight. GHW Bush, Bob Dole, John Kerry, and John McCain were all decorated combat veterans. All but Bush earned a Purple Heart. They also all lost presidential elections. No one cares about military service anymore. Also, Putin will interfere on Trump’s behalf.
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The candidate: Mike Bloomberg
His campaign in a sentence: I can beat Trump because I’m a New Yorker; also, I have $61 billion with which to bludgeon you into voting for me
His campaign in a GIF:
Liked by: people who have been bludgeoned into submission by $61 billion worth of advertising; people from the New York area who work in the financial services industry; people who think it takes a thief to catch a thief
Disliked by: people who don’t want to see another egomaniacal New York billionaire with no real party affiliation buy the presidency; people who look at Bloomberg’s record of mistreating minorities and women and see a bizarro Trump
Trump’s nickname if he gets the nomination: Stop N Frisk Mike; Mikey NDA
How Trump will beat him: Trump will gaslight voters (again) into thinking that Bloomberg will be “a disaster” for minorities and women, while Trump will be their champion. Also, Putin will interfere on Trump’s behalf.
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The candidate: Joe Biden
His campaign in a sentence: I was Barack Obama’s VP!
His campaign in a GIF:
Liked by: people with little imagination
Disliked by: people who look at Biden and see a very old man who may be in cognitive decline
Trump’s nickname if he gets the nomination: Dopey Joe, Slidin’ Biden
How Trump will beat him: Trump will gaslight voters (again) into thinking that Obama (and thus Biden) destroyed the economy while Trump unleashed it like the Kraken. Then he will sit back while Biden says and does stupid shit and shoots himself in the foot. Also, Putin will interfere on Trump’s behalf.
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The candidate: Amy Klobuchar
Her campaign in a sentence: I'm a nice midwesterner with a record of centrism and electability so you should like me, please please like me
Her campaign in a GIF:
Liked by: Does anyone really affirmatively like her?
Disliked by: Does anyone really affirmatively dislike her?
Trump’s nickname if she gets the nomination: Shaky Amy
How Trump will beat her: In an early debate zdaughter turned to me and asked about Klobuchar "Why is she so shaky?" It's a good question. Maybe she's nervous, maybe she has a neurological issue, maybe she uses too much hairspray. All I know is it's a weakness so apparent my 5-year-old saw it so Trump will pounce on it and exploit it for all it's worth. He will say a bunch of misogynistic stuff too. Also, Putin will interfere on Trump’s behalf.
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The candidate: Elizabeth Warren
Her campaign in a sentence: I have a pompous lecture for every issue
Her campaign in a GIF:
Liked by: people who enjoy pompous lectures
Disliked by: people who don’t like to be lectured
Trump’s nickname if she gets the nomination: Pocahontas, Lyin' Lizzie
How Trump will beat her: His answer to every debate question will be “She lied about her race to get ahead!” or he’ll just yell “Pocahontas!” over and over. Candidly I have no idea how Warren has skated on this issue for so long. I think it’s an egregious misrepresentation. Also, Putin will interfere on Trump’s behalf.
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You know who the best candidate was on paper?
The candidate: Cory Booker
What his campaign should have been in a sentence: I have an Ivy League degree and a Rhodes scholarship like Pete, mayoral experience like Pete and Mike and Bernie, senatorial experience like Joe and Bernie and Amy and Liz, a progressive record on guns and the environment, a pro-business record when it comes to the economy, a realistic healthcare plan, and I know how to relate to minority voters because I really am a minority; also, I played Pac-10 football, I'm dating Rosario Dawson, and Trump can't pull his "I'm more manly than you" bully bullshit with me because I'm bigger and stronger and much younger than him and I would absolutely fuck him up if he stepped to me.
What his campaign should have been in a GIF:
Liked by: apparently no one
Disliked by: I don't know anyone who affirmatively dislikes him
Trump’s nickname if he gets the nomination: Cory Crooker in an attempt to tie him to corruption in Newark
How Trump will beat him: He already did.
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Ultimately I really truly believe that Trump will lose in November no matter his opponent. Despite all my foregoing snark, I think that voters will be highly motivated in PA, WI, OH, and MI (which appear to be the only states that matter because they are the only ones that could go either way) and I have to imagine that they are picking up what the Democrats are putting down, namely lots of free stuff, income equality, a return to sanity and normalcy, etc. Trump ran on populism but it isn't clear to me that these four states are any better off than they were in 2016, and Bloomberg and Steyer will hopefully dip deeply into their fortunes to get the vote out. So keep your chins up!
Showing posts with label election filler part one. Show all posts
Showing posts with label election filler part one. Show all posts
Sunday, February 23, 2020
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
The Only Place
Here's a little lightness and fluff on a heavy goddamn day. As fucked up as American politics is (and will be for the foreseeable future), why would you live anywhere else, indeed.
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