Showing posts with label Washington Redskins. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Washington Redskins. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Part II: Blood is Thicker Than a Solution of Water, Urea, and Creatinine, Alternatively Titled "I Realize That I Have Something in Common With Daniel Snyder"

In Part I of this piece I told the story of the time my son kicked my dick so hard I pissed blood. I concluded with the realization that "Just like Dan Snyder, I piss burgundy and gold!" This realization coupled with some comments last week about the use of the word "Redskins" got me thinking about some legal wrinkles in the analysis.

Here's some quick background that will make my upcoming rant more understandable. You can register a trademark with the federal government if you use that mark in commerce in connection with goods or services. In particular, you register the mark with the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO or PTO). You submit an application and an examiner decides whether to register the mark. You have a back-and-forth dialog with the examiner but if he won't give you the mark you can appeal his refusal to the Trademark Trial and Appeal Board (TTAB). If you don't like the TTAB's decision you can appeal that to the US Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit (CAFC). After that you're shit out of luck (SOL), unless the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) will hear the case but that's highly unlikely. If you don't like someone else's trademark you can challenge it in the TTAB, and the owner of the mark has the option to remove the matter to the US District Court for the District of Columbia (DDC). You an appeal the DDC's decision to the Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit (CADC), and again you're probably SOL if you don't like their conclusion.

In 1992 a group of seven Native Americans petitioned the TTAB to cancel the REDSKINS trademark because they found it disparaging. There were many proceedings before the TTAB, DDC, and the CADC. In the end six of the Native American petitioners' claims were dismissed based on a laches defense -- the mark was registered in 1967 and they didn't sue until 1992. Simply put, they sat on their claim for too long. (I can't believe I'm writing about laches here again.) The seventh petitioner was only a year old in 1967 so he couldn't have sued when the mark was first registered, but he turned 18 in 1984 so he waited 7 years and 9 months to file his petition. Through various intellectual convolutions, DDC decided that he wasn't reasonably diligent in bringing his claim and CADC affirmed. Here's the CADC opinion. There may have been more opinions after this one but the gist is that these folks waited too long to complain that they were offended by the use of the name REDSKINS.

The obvious solution to this problem is to find a bunch of Native American kids with the same birth date and file a petition on their behalf on the day they turn 18. This is why people hate lawyers.


In fact I think someone has already started to put such a group of petitioners together. But what happens next? Well, the TTAB or DDC have to decide if the mark is "immoral, deceptive, or scandalous" under Section 2 of the Lanham Act. What does that mean? That means the petitioner must demonstrate that mark is shocking to sense of truth, decency, or propriety; disgraceful; offensive; disreputable; giving offense to conscience or moral feelings; or calling out for condemnation.

How the hell do you do that? Sometimes it's easy, like when you have a smutty mark. CAFC recently affirmed the TTAB's refusal of "COCK SUCKER" which was intended to be used on chocolate lollipops shaped like roosters. Apparently the target audience was students at the University of South Carolina and Jackson State University because they both have gamecock mascots. Seriously, read the opinion.


"COCK SUCKER" is clearly vulgar and I don't know why CAFC needed 13 pages to reach that conclusion but I'm not a judge so what do I know. Similarly, the following smutty marks have been refused by CAFC and/or TTAB:

1-800-JACK-OFF
JACK-OFF
A photo of a man and a woman with the man's penis exposed, used to promote swinging
CUMFIESTA
CUMGIRLS
PUSSY
SEX ROD (opposed by the Red Sox in part because it was in the same font as their trademark)
YOU CUM LIKE A GIRL
DE PUTA MADRE
BULLSHIT
W.B. WIFE BEATER
TWATTY GIRL
GRANDMA SCHITTHED'S OUTHOUSE BROWN
GRANDPA SCHITTHED'S INKY STINKY PALE ALE
SCHITTHED'S
DICK HEAD'S

But they allowed "BIG PECKER BRAND" because "use of the term 'pecker' meaning penis is rapidly becoming archaic" and just isn't offensive anymore. So start throwing that term around the office and if anyone reports you to HR tell them to take it up with the TTAB.

In the context of disparaging marks, the TTAB applies the following test:

(1) what is the likely meaning of the matter in question, taking into account not only dictionary definitions, but also the relationship of the matter to the other elements in the mark, the nature of the goods or services, and the manner in which the mark is used in the marketplace in connection with the goods or services; and
(2) if that meaning is found to refer to identifiable persons, institutions, beliefs or national symbols, whether that meaning may be disparaging to a substantial composite of the referenced group.

How does this play out in practice? Oddly. For example, in In re Squaw Valley Dev. Co., the TTAB concluded that the marks "SQUAW" and "SQUAW ONE" were offensive when used to sell clothing or retail store services in the field of sporting goods or equipment. They reached this conclusion after reviewing a plethora of dictionaries, articles, state laws, and other sources showing that "SQUAW" is an offensive term for a Native American woman. However, they decided that "SQUAW" was not offensive when used to sell skis, ski poles, ski bindings, and other ski equipment because Squaw Valley is a ski resort and it's often referred to simply as "Squaw." Again, people hate lawyers for a reason.

Similarly, the mark "HEEB" was refused (by a panel of judges named Seeherman, Holtzman, and Kuhlke) as disparaging to Jews. But by contrast, "MAFIA BRAND" and "JUNIOR M.A.F.I.A." (Biggie!) were allowed because "MAFIA" isn't disparaging to Italians ... according to two panels of judges named Chapman, Hairston, and Bottorff; and Simms, Walters, and McLeod, respectively.

Sometimes reading cases is fun: "BLACK TAIL" was used to sell noodie magazines and it was allowed because:

As the Court said in Mavety, and as the present record shows, the word “tail” can have a variety of meanings as applied to an adult entertainment magazine. In particular, the dictionary definitions show that “tail” can mean “buttocks,” and there is no indication from the dictionary definitions that such a meaning would be considered vulgar.

Having reviewed the issue of BLACK TAIL magazine which is of record herein, we find it difficult to believe that anyone, seeing the mark used for such a publication, would consider the phrase to refer simply to buttocks. The photographs in the publication are photographs of nude and scantily-clad African-American women, and while many of the photographs feature the rear ends of these women, a large number feature their breasts and genitalia, often showing the women using their fingers to further expose themselves. However, our principal reviewing Court stated quite clearly in Mavety that, in view of the existence of an alternate, non-vulgar definition of “tail,” the Board, without more, erred in concluding that in the context of an adult entertainment magazine, a substantial composite of the general public would necessarily attach to the mark BLACK TAIL the vulgar meaning of “tail” as a female sexual partner, rather than the admittedly non-vulgar meaning of “tail” as rear end. 31 USPQ2d 16 1928. Given that opposers have not provided any further evidence as to the meaning of “tail” than was present before the Court during the appeal, we cannot conclude that it is the vulgar meaning that the relevant public would attach to the mark, nor can the Board substitute its own judgment for that of the perspective of the relevant public.

Can you imagine reviewing back issues of Black Tail magazine in your office with a valid work-related reason?!? I need to get a job on the TTAB! Out of respect for the women of G:TB, this is the only Black Tail photo I will post here.


So what does all this mean for "REDSKINS"? My hunch is that it will be canceled. In order for a mark to be offensive "a substantial composite of the referenced group" must feel disparaged. Here are some data from the TTAB proceeding involving the REDSKINS mark:


As we already saw, "SQUAW" was not allowed in some circumstances (i.e., when it wasn't clearly tied to Squaw Valley) because it was found to be offensive, but less than half of Native Americans (47.2%) surveyed felt offended by it. So you don't need to demonstrate a consensus to establish that a mark is disparaging. In fact, the judges who denied the HEEB mark noted that "While case law does not provide a fixed number or percentage, it is well established that a 'substantial composite' is not necessarily a majority." Given that 36.6% of Native Americans surveyed (i.e., more than 1 in 3) and 46.2% of the general population are offended by "REDSKINS," I can easily see the mark being canceled (once the stupid laches shenanigans are avoided). The "HEEB" opinion suggests that if a sub-population within the group in question is offended, then the "substantial composite" requirement is met, and a smart lawyer should be able to parcel out a particular sub-population of Native Americans to win cancelation.

To that point, Rick Reilly clearly isn't a trademark lawyer. There was an LA-based rap group called N.W.A. that was popular in the late 80's/early 90's. You may have heard of them. According to their Wikipedia page, N.W.A. stands for "N***az Wit Attitudes." N.W.A. registered the "N.W.A." mark with the USPTO. They did not, however, register "N***AZ WIT ATTITUDES". Clearly they aren't offended by the word "n***az," and neither are countless other emcees who throw the word around, so in Rick Reilly's world what's the problem? In fact, many people have tried to register marks containing this word but none have been allowed. And obviously the NAACP would win if they petitioned the TTAB to cancel a mark containing this word. So just because some Native Americans don't mind calling themselves "REDSKINS" doesn't mean that the term isn't offensive to other Native Americans. Or perhaps to put too fine a point on it, what does Rick Reilly think would happen if they changed the team name to the Washington Niggaz? Chris Rock pondered this previously but I can't find the video.

Of course, even if the federal registration of the REDSKINS mark gets canceled, Snyder et al. can continue to use it and can probably even enforce infringement of the mark in state court. But can you imagine how shitty Snyder would look if a panel of federal appellate judges decide that "REDSKINS" is too racist a word to receive federal protection but he continues to use it nonetheless? No one can be that tone deaf.

I joked yesterday that they should become the Washington Hematuria but I did a google image search and found nothing that would look good on a helmet. So here is a handful of suggestions.

WASHINGTON WASPS - tons of them in Northern Virginia and they'd love to rock "WASP" hats with plaid shorts and Topsiders. They can keep the colors too.


WASHINGTON VICTORS - hail to the victors, hail victory. The song writes itself. And it needs to be rewritten.

WASHINGTON RATTLESNAKES - they can keep the "R" trademark and the colors, and this particular snake is found in Maryland:


WASHINGTON GIBBSES - how fucking dope would this look on a helmet?


WASHINGTON RHINOS - tough as nails, they keep the "R", and no one else uses it. Sure, there are no rhinos in DC but how many Native Americans do you see in the District?

My work here is done. Next week I'll solve another major American crisis that arises in G:TB's comments.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Part I: Blood is Thicker Than a Solution of Water, Urea, and Creatinine, Alternatively Titled "I Realize That I Have Something in Common With Daniel Snyder"

I spent the first 36 years of my life operating under the assumption that I would never have children. I don't like spending time with kids very much and they seem to be a massive financial loss center. My general lack of parental role models coupled with my miserable shrew of a first wife made me feel like I would be doing our offspring a disservice by trying to raise him or her.

But then I met zwoman and realized that being married with children could be a good thing, and it turns out this was the best thing I ever did. I am happier than I've ever been and I love my son beyond words. Indeed, I cannot find the words to explain why I still love him so much (or why I even allow him to continue to live in my house) after the events of last Saturday.

zson enjoys climbing and jumping all over me and I enjoy the roughhousing almost as much as he does. He's only 2 1/2 though, so his toes are very small and the bones inside them are sharp and pointy, with not a lot of meat surrounding them. That is to say, it hurts when he pokes you with his toes.

zson was doing one of his favorite maneuvers: while I sit in our recliner with my feet on the ottoman, he walks across my legs and jumps from my knees into my body. We've done this many times with nary an injury. Until last Saturday. As he had done countlessly, zson walked onto my knees and leapt forward like Jimmy Snuka.


Notice how Snuka's left foot is cocked back? That's exactly how zson flew at me. As all 40 pounds of him flopped onto my chest, he whipped his shoeless foot straight down, impaling his pointy little toes flush into the shaft of zpenis. To say that I experienced pain is to say that the Grand Canyon is a big hole. It was not unlike this. I folded up like a jackknife. I saw stars. My mouth snapped open but no sound could come out. zwoman's hand immediately shot to her mouth. zson laughed and rolled off me so that he could do it again.

The pain subsided relatively quickly. About 30 minutes later I felt no lingering effects from the affront to my schwantz, and I went into the bathroom to pee. I let loose the Kraken and it showed no ill effects from the blow it suffered. I pulled out the jammy, aimed it at the bowl, and let pee fly. For a second nothing happened; what happened next will haunt me forever. A large, shiny, burgundy mass shot out of my dick, much like John Hurt's famous "chester" scene in "Aliens" ... with my dick playing the role of Hurt's chest.



The blob looked like a cross between that little alien's head and a squashed grape. It hit the inside of the bowl with an audible "splat" and was followed by a contrail of what looked like fruit punch. But it was not fruit punch. It was blood-soaked urine. I finished before these events could register in my mind, wiped the fruit punch off of the rim, and flushed the alien baby down.

Once I realized what had happened I staggered into the family room and took to my iPad. I entered "blood clot in urine" and what I read sent me into a cold sweat and a Tony Soprano-esque panic attack. Kidney failure. Bladder cancer. Urinary tract infection. Kidney stones. Prostate cancer.

I relayed my fears to zwoman and because she is the most wonderful woman in the world she calmly noted, "Well, you did just get kicked in the dick ... really hard." She suggested I go to an urgent care facility. I peed fruit punch again (but no alien baby blood clots) so I went. In a long discussion with the doctor, I realized that I just had a physical for life insurance a few months earlier and that my application was approved, so I can't have all of the diseases I feared. The doctor (who was a lady and kindly did not make me whip it out for examination, but did ask for a sample of my fruit punch) said "You have a lot of blood in your urine but I think your son hit you just right and broke a capillary or two." Just right indeed.

I went home with my fears allayed. The next time I peed it was much less fruit punchy. And then the time after that produced a yellow bowl with just a few maroon streaks. Because I'm an idiot my immediate reaction was "Just like Dan Snyder, I piss burgundy and gold!"

Stay tuned for Part II coming tomorrow: my legal justification for changing the Washington Redskins' name to the Washington Hematuria!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Props for Today's Bills/Skins Game

The Bills and Redskins play in Toronto today at 1:00 pm and, based on the rooting interests of various G:TB editors, we decided to place a friendly wager on the game's outcome: losers pay the winner's bar tab at Tortuga's. We also included Teedge in the wager because it will be fun to drink on his dime if he loses.



Rather than base our bet on something as mundane as the final score, we came up with several Gheorghian prop bets. The person who comes closest to each prop wins that prop, and the person who wins the most props wins the wager.

Without further adieu, here are the props (who got da props?) and our respective predictions:



In a showing of typical tremendous apathy, neither rob nor Teedge chose to fill in their forms, opting instead to let Igor pick their prop predictions. And I won't be surprised if one of them wins.

For clarity: "reference to" means the number of separate instances of announcers mentioning the subject during the game. "Shots of" means to the number of times the person is shown on camera, except for "fans in X jersey" with means the total number of fans shown in a particular jersey. Igor and I will watch the game from our respective abodes and score as we go. We will resolve scoring differences in a manner that has yet to be determined. Feel free to join us in the comments and score along with us. If you want I can send you a table of the props in Excel so you can print and score yourself (or just open the picture in a new tab). I'm sure that's what everyone wants to do on Sunday -- score a wager in which they have no stake.

And because we are a leading source of Buffalo Bills blogging, we provide the following preview, which could be titled "Two of a Kind, Alternatively Titled A Tale of Two Titties." I say this not because typing "titties" makes me titter, but because the two teams are a nearly perfectly matched pair.

The Bills scored the 4th most points this year while the Skins allowed the 4th least. Conversely, the Skins scored the 24th most points while the Bills allowed the 19th least.

The Bills allowed the fewest sacks while the Skins recorded the most. The Skins allowed the 11th fewest sacks while the Bills are dead last in sacking the opponent. So it would appear that John Beck will have time to throw. But this plays right into the Bills' hands, as they have the 2nd most INT on the year while the Skins threw the 2nd most INT so far.

The Bills have the 8th most passing TD while the Skins allowed the 3rd least. The Skins have the 25th most passing TD while the Bills allowed the 17th least.

The Skins have the 18th most passing yards, while the Bills allowed the 24th least passing yards. But the Bills have the 13th most passing yards, while the Skins allowed the 7th least passing yards.

The Bills have the 8th most rushing yards while the Skins allowed the 11th fewest rushing yards. Conversely, the Skins have the 25th most rushing yards while the Bills allowed the 25th least rushing yards.

The Bills have the 4th most rushing TD while the Skins allowed the 23rd least (a noticeable difference!). The Skins have the 21st most rushing TD while the Bills allowed the 28th most.

Finally, the Bills' defense leads the league in takeaways, while the Skins offense has the 2nd most giveaways. Conversely, the Skins' defense has the 22nd most takeaways while the Bills' offense has the 7th fewest giveaways.

'Twould appear that the turnover stats favor Buffalo, but we're leery about the flukey nature of many of these turnovers. The numbers are simply too close to call, and the game will be played in a neutral site. The Skins are ravaged by injuries and John Beck is their starting QB, so in the end it seems most likely that the Bills will prevail. But I wouldn't bet on it.

*** SPECIAL BONUS VIDEO ***

Some donkey took the time to do this:

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Whitney asked, so G:TB delivers

The Buffalo Bills 1st round draft history, back to 1990:



The Washington redskins 1st round draft history, back to 1984, just because it's fun to see how much Gibbs hated draft picks:


Have at it folks...