What Car Should a Gheorghie Drive: Juan Carlos Edition

I first met Juan Carlos by the basement back door of Unit M.  He stood there, a fratguy in his kingdom, cradling a plurality of cans of Milwaukee's Best in one arm, talking to a smiling, nodding girl.  He turned to me, an awestruck freshman, and said coolly and calmly "Hey, do you want to shotgun beers til you puke?" I, of course, said "Yes.  Yes I do."  The rest is history.

That night he told me his name and I thought he said Carlos, so I called him Carlos for a while.  I am not alone.  He is, after all, Juan Carlos, King of Spain (which makes Unit M the House of Bourbon).

Before zwoman met him I made mention of Juan Carlos.  She said "Juan Carlos is JP, right?"  JP is, of course, FOGTB JP.  I said "No.  JP is JP.  Juan Carlos is the King of Spain."  zwoman replied "Oh.  So Juan Carlos is Spanish?"  I said "No."  Confused, she said "So no one is Spanish?" and I said "JP is Spanish" so she replied "That's what I thought.  Then why isn't JP the King of Spain?" and I answered "Because Juan Carlos is the King of Spain."  We went around this circle a few more times and she gave up.

It seems like Juan Carlos should have a Spanish car but the only brands I can think of are Hispano-Suiza, which went out of business 80 years ago, and S.E.A.T.  I realize that S.E.A.T. sounds like the name of a bad-guy organization from an Austin Powers movie but I assure you that Sociedad Española de Automóviles de Turismo is real.  You've never heard of them because they never sold any cars in the US and they never made any cars that are cool.  Honestly.  Here's the list.  Hover over those links and you'll see one bland shitbox after another.  I have no idea how the nation that gave the world jamón serrano, manchego, Paz Vega, Balenciaga, mahon, Picasso, paella, Penélope Cruz, flamenco, Rafael Nadal and chorizo failed to come up with at least one aesthetically awesome car.

Juan Carlos is cool.  He's cooler than you but he's cool about it.  It's a very laid-back and discreet brand of coolness.  It's obvious that he's cool and does cool things, but when you learn more you realize that whatever you're looking at is even cooler than you thought upon first impression.

For example, if you go to Juan Carlos's house he will serve you appetizers.  Perhaps fish fillets on a skewer with sliced plum tomatoes and pickled peppers.  You might say "Dam son this fish is dope!  What is it?"  He will understatedly reply "They're fresh sardines" and when you say "These don't look like sardines" he will explain that sardines from a can are not very good at all, and that canning them destroys the flavor, texture, color, basically everything about the fish.  He knows a place where they sell fresh sardine fillets, which he then prepares them ceviche style with lemon juice so they hold up enough to be skewered.  Then when you exclaim how good the peppers are, he will explain how he grew the peppers from seeds he picked up in Seville and then pickled them himself over the winter using a pickling brine of his own concoction.  This happens all the time.  JC's food is superb.

Juan Carlos is amazingly handy.  I won't regale you with all of his tremendous feats of home improvement, but I was stunned when he installed his own underground gas line from his house to his grille.  I was there the first time he used it and he deadpanned "Either we'll have dinner in 30 minutes or I'll blow the house up."  We had dinner 30 minutes later and it was outstanding.

He thus should drive something clearly cool, but also reserved, and that becomes even cooler upon investigation.  It should also be relatively useful for trips to the mulch pit and the hardware store, and relatively easy to work on.  It should be European, clearly.  The marque should have some historical importance with bonus points for significant engineering aspects.

This was harder than I thought it would be, but I should've known better.  Juan Carlos is a complicated man but no one understands him but his woman.

I considered the Audi ur-Quattro.  The hatchback makes it very practical.  The 20-valve five cylinder engine was an engineering masterpiece.  It pioneered Audi's all-wheel-drive Quattro system and it won the World Rally Championship three years in a row.  But these are difficult to work on, which cuts against JC's DYI nature, and they're rare and expensive, which cuts against my goal of keeping WCSAGD attainable.  They also don't quite look the part.  Just a little too big in the hips for the King of Spain to floss.

Ever the VW fanboy, I also considered the Audi RS2 Avant, but it suffers the same problems as the ur-Quattro--expensive as hell and a headache to work on.  But there's plenty to love.  Much like Marls's WCSAGD, Porsche massaged various Audi bits to make the RS2 Avant an unholy speed demon, and it has four doors, a real back seat and a big trunk so you can haul ass while hauling lumber.  Five cylinders sound cool too.

But as with the ur-Quattro, the RS2 Avant doesn't look quite right for Juan Carlos.  He's too sexy for this car.

The Jaguar XJS Lynx came to mind.  It makes sense for Juan Carlos to drive a shooting brake, especially one with twelve cylinders, burled walnut trim and Connolly leather hides.  And they look great.  

But these too are exceedingly rare and expensive.  I'm also not sure he should drive a Jaguar, it doesn't really mesh with his regal Mediterranean vibe.  It's just a tad effete.  

Juan Carlos should drive a 1986 Alfa Romeo GTV6 in black over biscuit, like this:

The best classic under $20,000?  Maybe.  Prices are creeping up so JC might need to shell out $25k to $30k for a really crispy example.  How does this tick all the boxes?  Alfa Romeo is over 100 years old and has more racing wins than any other marque in the world.  Their logo involves a crowned snake swallowing a man whole.  The brand is swathed in manliness and badassery.

The 6 in GTV6 refers to the engine, Alfa's famous Busso V6.  The manifold isn't as pretty as the 164's but really what is?  It still sounds amazing, arguably the best sounding engine ever.  Don't take my word for it, see what Harry Metcalfe has to say:

Harry's homeboy's GTV6 has Quadrifoglio badges and basket wheels which make the whole thing even cooler.  "Needs a fair amount of warming up" (9:55).  "Doesn't rev very high but gets quite musical" (10:33).  "There's bits covering up where the size of it should've been, I can't understand why Luigi didn't make the DIN slot the right size" (12:24).  "Quite a short stroke, wide bore, but it does sound good ... it's quality" (14:51).  "It still looks super neat today and I love that it's the size that it is" (19:04).  "This car is all about charisma and that it has by the bucketload, there is something joyous seeing this car" (19:47).  All of that could be said about Juan Carlos. 

Watch Harry's expression after he downshifts and gets back on the gas around 19:33.  The sound he makes is the same one I made when Heather Graham took her clothes off for the first time in Boogie Nights.  Like JC the GTV6 is a sex machine.  Most importantly, I think Juan Carlos's father had an Alfa at one point so getting another might foster reflection on old memories while creating new ones.

That's what Juan Carlos should drive.

Father's Day Gift Ideas

I like simple pleasures.

Alright, maybe not like that.  But most of you guys are relatively simple too.  We're simple men.

Chances are you already have all the stuff you think you need, and most of the stuff you want.  With that in mind, here are a few simple Father's Day gift ideas to request this year.

A beef jerky subscription from Craft Jerky Co.  Options include keto-friendly for TR, booze-infused for Whitney, hot & spicy (like "hot hot caliente") for Dave, gluten free for Marls, and paleo for rob (because he's old).

Some new sneakers.  Like these Nike Killshots for about $69 or these Nike Blazers for about $52.

A slimmed down wallet.  Like this for $40.  I made the move from billfold to card holder a few years ago and it's liberating.  You don't need to carry every membership card, collect-10-punches-get-a-free-sandwich card, car wash coupon, or receipt you've ever been handed.  All you need is some cash, your license, ATM card, a credit card, health insurance cards, and maybe a subway/rail pass.  The rest is all bullshit.

A Spotify subscription.  Then you can make contributions to Notify.

An OXO computer cleaner.  You probably spent the past 15-16 months working and living at your desk so your keyboard is full of dust and crumbs and your monitor is covered in sneeze stains and fingerprints.  This $10 widget makes all that go away really easily.

A duffel garment bag.  Like this one for $95 or this big one for $275.  This is so smart I wish I came up with it.  It's a garment bag with three flaps that fold up to form a duffel bag on one side of the garment bag, so when you have a one-day trip that requires a blazer or suit you can pack it in your carry-on.  Or you could just be like me and wad your suit into a ball, stuff it in the rollaboard and hope for the best.

A mountain glass from North Drinkware.  These guys hand-make pint glasses and tumblers with 3D reproductions of famous mountains rising from the bottom.  I can't fully explain it, you have to click on the link.  They have nifty topographical map coasters too.  And I went to high school with one of the company founders.

Now when your wife or kids ask what you want for Father's Day you don't have to lamely say "I don't know" or "Just spending the day with you is all the gift I need."

Disco Still Rules. Zoom!

I am on Instagram. Some of you are too. I use it mostly for amusement purposes. And for looking at sexy ladies. Don't tell the missus about that last part.

I mostly follow accounts that make me laugh. And I'm not picky about my laughs. I'll take them low-brow or high-brow. I mostly get them low-brow, from accounts like @joemande, @gymfailstories, @miserable_men, @kyledunnigan1, @festivalist, @kookslams, @failvibes, @ryanoflan and many others.

I follow @nickkroll on Instagram. He turned me on to a video that has wormed its way into my earholes and eyeballs in the last few days. It's a disco song/performance called Space Rescue by Zoom. They are Spanish. They perform what can best be described as cocaine-infused interpretations of disco music. Did I suck you in yet? Do you not believe me? Check out that video here. It's so awesome it's mesmerizing.

The choreography of that video blows me away. It seems to be the basis for the dance scene to Machine Gun in Boogie Nights, which is one of my favorite minutes in the history of cinema. Check it out right here!



The Zoom video and music also remind me of the performance part from the all-male synchronized swimming skit from SNL, which I put in my top 10 SNL skits of all time. Harry Shearer is an amazing straight man, Martin Short is at the peak of his warped powers here, and Christopher Guest shows what the next chapter of his career would be.



Happy Friday.

What Car Should A Gheorghie Drive -- TR Edition

TR is the Gheorghie I know best. His WCSAGD requires almost no effort.

TR and I have a lot in common. We are middle-aged guys from New Jersey. We are the sons of immigrant fathers who were raised by mothers who divorced said immigrants. We both grew up middle-middle class, but in the bottom tier of that socio-economic strata so we didn't get everything we wanted as kids and from time to time we indulge ourselves with things we feel we missed out on (looking at you, Jets PSL). We now live among upper-middle class people and we're proud of what we accomplished, essentially on our own, and feel smugly (if secretly) superior to those around us who got here with minimal effort. As a result we both revel in our outsider status and brazenly flaunt our contrarian views.

That said, TR gives even fewer fucks than I do. Way fewer. His no-fuckery is downright brash at this point.

TR and I differ in several ways, many of which I learned soon after we first met. For example, TR loves everything relating to the 1970s. The depth and breadth of his knowledge of adult film is astounding--his smut scholarship is nonpareil. And attendees of Pledge Auction 1993 recall his immodesty (no matter how hard they all try).

via GIPHY

TR loves PT Anderson movies and he LOVES "Boogie Nights." I mean, he LOVES "Boogie Nights."

TR should drive a 1977 Corvette with a 350 cube, three and a quarter horsepower, four speed, 4:10 gears, ten coats of competition orange, hand-rubbed lacquer, with a dual-plane manifold ... full fuckin' race cams, whoo.



Unfortunately, no such car exists, at least not stock OEM. By 1977, EPA standards had strangled the 350 cubic inch engine down to 180 hp. The go-fast version of the 350 only made 210 hp. There were no other engines available that year. Further, there was no color called "Competition Orange," it was "Corvette Orange."

TR would want the bigger engine. So he gets it.

This C3 is just right for TR. It's brash but vintage. It is simultaneously a workingman's car and a collector's car. Orange is the perfect color--plastered on a C3, it essentially gives his entire neighborhood of German and Swedish black or gray seven-row SUVs the middle finger. But it's still a classic car eligible for QQ plates in NJ so it passes snooty muster. None of his neighbor's dads ever drove a Corvette in the 1970s or 1980s--they were afraid of the guys who did. TR also gets T-tops because, well, they're perfect for TR. Aluminum wheels, no luggage rack. Boom.

Every American man has at least a small part of him that wants to be the louche with the cigarette and the chest hair and the gold chains and the mustache and the sex and the drugs and the rock and roll driving an orange C3 Corvette. And some of them are that guy. It’s fast and brazen and loud and self-confident and I-don’t-give-a-fuck-eriffic. That's what TR should drive.