The doctor was intimidated by my manly girth at the consultation visit. Based on his reaction I understand that my vas deferens is some heavy-duty stuff. I suspect it's like a fuel line--braided stainless steel, something like this:
Hence the bolt cutter.
In light of my recent snafus with my health insurance carrier, I made sure to stay in-network. And I also made sure to consult with G:TB's foremost vasectomy expert, Danimal. His advice was invaluable. He made it clear that you shouldn't just pick the vasectomist with the fanciest degrees or the highest ratings, you gotta find a guy with flair. For example, Danimal pointed me to Dr. James Baldock. If you're going to let someone crack your ballsack open, shouldn't he have a name like Jimmy Balldoc?
This led me to Dr. Eric Seaman. Unfortunately, as you can see from his bio, Dr. Seaman specializes in vasectomy reversals, but he doesn't seem to cut the cord too much. I guess he's more interested in letting the Seaman out and not keeping them cooped up inside.
I then found the troika of Dr. Zoltan, Dr. Colon, and Dr. Yanke in Brooklyn. Despite being a zperson, Zoltan specializes in the bladder and the prostate. I assume that Colon only works with lower intestines so I crossed him off the list. Yanke seemed like a good fit, given that you're supposed to "produce a sample" after the procedure so that the doctor can put it under the microscope ... and given this:
But he's a kidney stone guy. And Brooklyn is just too far to travel to have someone pry your scrotum open.
Ultimately I found a guy less than five miles away with degrees from Bowdoin and Columbia who "enjoys relaxing with family, cooking spicy food, collecting vintage jazz, soul and salsa records and building hi-fi equipment with vacuum tubes." Anyone who builds hi-fi equipment knows his way around the business end of a soldering iron, so he should be amply prepared to cauterize my deferens shut, sequestering zsperm in znads for eternity.
By the time you've made it this far through the post I'm hopefully at home, resting peacefully on a bag of frozen peas, the tattered remains of my vas deferens flopping aimlessly inside the velvety sac of my family jewels, the world saved from enduring any further zchildren.
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38 comments:
Might be my favorite post of the summer. Balls on ice!!
Agreed. Just brilliant. I'd like to smoke a blunt and listen to some tunes with that dude. On his tricked out setup, natch.
next on g:tb junk week, clarence takes a picture of his nads and posts from new orleans.
conveniently, he says, 'i don't remember doing that' when asked about it later.
happy chuck brown day, y'all
Good call, Rob. I'm going to listen to some Gogo this afternoon.
If real, Ice Bucket Challenge has jumped the shark:
pic.twitter.com/clCJR4q2qf
Zman, good luck on the recovery. One friend of ours had to wear a jockstrap for three weeks for recovery. Or at least that's what he told everyone. He's a little weird and probably saw Dr. Nick.
Not surprisingly, Dana Holgorsen has a pretty awesome bar in his house.
http://www.morgantownmag.com/Untitled-4.jpg
I know a guy who had general anesthesia in the hospital for his so there are varying degrees of seriousness for making this happen.
either this is a hoax, or it's the best/worst thing ever:
http://www.gofishtx.com
good stuff z. i do hope your recovery is going swimmingly, heh heh.
the memories i have are vivid. my doc, at the consultation and then during the procedure, always referred to the vas deferens as the "vazzy", and every time he did so i couldn't stop myself from laughing. "and I'm now and I'm going to clip the vazzy...okay...it's clipped....now we're going to burn the ends of the vazzy shut. you might catch wind of an odor. that odor will be your burnt manhood, mmmkay?"
rest up z...sounds like you need a wheel barrow to carry that thing around in. mrs z is a lucky gal.
Article on Nolan Smith's stepdad and former coach of the AAU team DC Assault. Worth your time.
http://t.co/B1bsadk2NP
As you predicted, the smell of my burning vas deferens was ... unpleasant. My Norwegian talked about the engine and suspension mods he made to his car through the entire procedure. I had no idea what was going on down south.
It's not next weekend but we get semi meaningful preseason football, high school football, USA v Puerto Rico in basketball and Premier League soccer over the next 24 hours. We made it through the summer sports calendar.
good luck with the recovery, zman. i hope you don't end up as the last man on earth, unable to procreate to save the species.
And there we see Dave's excuse for not controlling his baby-making gear.
I don't care about saving mankind but I do believe I need to be ready if the chance to make an NBA point guard arises.
if skylar diggins ever shows up at mark's doorstep, he's ready.
Almost every woman I've met said they wouldn't have sex with me even if I was the last man on earth so Dave's hypo doesn't mean much.
You're god damn right, Rob.
i'm holding out for abby wambach. we need to get some size back in this gene pool. the fact that she's gay is a minor obstacle.
I'm friends with a girl who was a teammate of Wambach's at Florida. I'll see if I can hook you up.
I have a sneaky crush on Abby Wambach. I know it's weird and I know she's not on my team. Maybe it's me subliminally making insinuations about her "heading" skills.
Or maybe I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
I worked with a guy who had a sex change and then became a lesbian. So there's precedent for your situation.
My wife went to a destination wedding w/o me where the groom's dad had a full sex-change and then he
became partners with another man who had a sex-change. Was not a pretty pair.
And the groom was a recovering alcoholic.
Destination: the twilight zone?
It's difficult to overstate what a beast Wambach was at Florida. I went to a bunch of games because the other striker on the team was a friend from high school (all SEC a couple years). Wambach came in as a freshman and was immediately the best player on the field. So physically dominant. She was amazing to watch.
Mark wants to make the sex on her too.
Berzerker!!
The family is now three hours into a week-long vacation in Hilton Head. It ain't shabby here. The trip to the Walmart next to the Savannah airport was priceless for an elitist northerner like myself.
Did you buy a rifle?
The new Dodge Charger SRT costs $53,000 and makes 707 hp. 707. Not a typo. I'm baffled by this thing's existence.
i have the top pick in the geriatric fantasy league this year. might be the first time i've ever picked first, but my memory fails me. choosing between peterson, mccoy, charles. straight-ahead scoring rules, no ppr. i have the teej's counsel already. what say the rest of you?
fulham, 0-4. welp. not very good.
I had tacos for both lunch and dinner today. None of them were standard style tacos. All of them were delicious though
I would not take Colt McCoy first.
I would probably take Shady McCoy first though. Tough to go wrong with any of those three though.
I'd take julie McCoy.
I'm (obviously) biased but South Florida has the best of high school football in America. The current top dog in that area is Booker T. Washington in Miami. Last years 'National Champs'. Currently on a 26 game winning streak. Also currently kicking the shit out of Oscar Smith High on ESPNU.
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