Gheorghe Ponders...Five Alive

Almost done with Major League Baseball, and I'm not gonna lie to you - I'm worn out. This is way too much typing.

Chicago Cubs

Originality: Everything Cubby reeks of originality in today’s sporting climate, from the team name to the ivy on the walls to the rooftop vantages behind Wrigley to the very cute 100+ year streak of futility – such a clever marketing gimmick. Odd that they chose Cubs, though, when Bears wasn’t taken until 1919. It’s almost as if the original Cubs’ owners knew they couldn’t live up to the ferocity of the full-grown animal.

Geo-cultural relevance: Alliteration is fun! Otherwise, the name has nothing whatsoever to do with the Windy City.

Tradition: Lord, have mercy, do the Cubbies have some. Billy Goats with curses, Harry Caray’s leather lungs, Tinker to Evers to Chance, Alou – no – Bartman, the ball through Leon Durham’s legs, generations of fans cycling through birth, school, work, and death without seeing their beloved Cubs win a World Series. Enough already, somebody give these people a taste of the apple.

If They Named the Team Today…the ironic in the room would push hard for the Goats, which would assure the team of an aura-killing World Series championship. The more marketing-focused would settle on the Hawks in honor of Chicago’s fearsome winter wind. Nevermind that Atlanta theoretically already owns that name – does anyone seriously think that the City of the Big Shoulders gives a flying fig about what Atlanta thinks?

Overall Impact: For better or worse, the Cubs name means something to fans of all ages. It’s distinctive and storied, and I suspect Northsiders wouldn’t have it any other way.

Milwaukee Brewers

Originality: Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, Chevrolet…and beer. They forgot beer when they wrote that jingle. There are very, very few things better than a really frosty one on a hot day at the ballpark. At least very few things actually attainable by you and me and every other average American. Tom Brady could probably think of a handful of better things, I suppose. Two thumbs up on the originality scale, even though that approbation probably fits better with Chicago’s teams.

Geo-cultural relevance: The original barkeep poured a perfectly balanced pint when he came up with this name. Milwaukee was home to the four largest breweries in the world at one point (Schlitz, Blatz, Pabst, and Miller, in case you were wondering – how in the name of all that’s holy and sudsy did anyone drink Blatz with a straight face?), and even as three of the four have sadly faded, it’s still one of America’s fabled beer towns. The legendary (and possibly apocryphal) Spring Break Bad Brewery Tour of 1991 was centered around this mecca of all things cheap, watery, and intoxicating.

Tradition: While the Brewers did give us one of the all-time great secondary nicknames, Harvey’s Wallbangers, in celebration of the most successful of all Brewer eras, the team has only appeared in a single World Series, never winning one, and also gave baseball Bud Selig. On the other hand, Gorman Thomas was a perfectly cast baseball villain, a real, live Ogie Oglethorpe. I’m at a bit of a loss here.

If They Named the Team Today…it’s really hard to see how they could go any other direction, unless Selig was involved, in which case they’d first ignore the fact that they had a problem, then completely fuck up the solution and wind up moving the team to Oklahoma City in hopes that people would forget about the whole thing.

Overall Impact: Brewers is a perfect nickname – they get a top seed and a first-round bye in the all-sports team name tournament.

St. Louis Cardinals

Originality: Though it’s not really their fault, the Redbirds suffer from their linkage to the football Cardinals, who shared the city with the like-named baseball squad for some 28 years. Seriously, the city that invented toasted ravioli (mmm, toasted ravioli) couldn’t come up with a second name for a major athletic franchise? And Midwesterners wonder why the coasts make fun of them for being square.

The actual facts of the Cardinals’ naming don’t do them any favors, either. According to Wikipedia, “They were briefly called the Perfectos in 1899 before settling on their present name, a name reportedly inspired by switching their uniform colors from brown to red. There was already a "Reds" team at Cincinnati, so the St. Louis team became "Cardinals" (reportedly because a woman spectator exclaimed that the uniform was "a wonderful shade of Cardinal”)." Frankly, I’d rather be stuck with Perfectos than let my wife name the team. Your wife. Sorry, honey – your taste in team names is beyond reproach.

Geo-cultural relevance: Christ, cardinals are everywhere. I’ve got a family of them hanging out in my back yard, but you don’t see me naming my kids after them, do you? Ain’t that right, Squirrel and Rabbit?

Tradition: The Cards make up for the questionable provenance of their name by wearing it extremely well. They’re second only to the Yankees in World Series titles, and boast some of baseball’s most colorful and prominent names, from Rogers Hornsby to the Gashouse Gang of the 30s to Stan Musial, Curt Flood, Bob Gibson, Lou Brock, Whitey Herzog, Ozzie Smith, and Albert Pujols, with dozens of luminaries in between. (Random aside: Tommy Herr’s 8 HR, 110 RBI line in 1985 is one of my favorite statistical oddities of all time.)

If They Named the Team Today…if history was any guide, they’d choose Rams.

Overall Impact: Decent to quite decent, especially given the classiness of the organization and the tradition bolstering the name.

Cincinnati Reds

Originality: Hosiery strikes again, with the original Cincinnati franchise going with Redlegs in honor of their sanitaries. I guess the late 19th Century was a simpler time. The Redlegs moniker is, I suppose, a unique twist on the ‘Stockings’ construction that was all the rage back in the days of dead balls and gloveless fielders.

Geo-cultural relevance: I want to know what the Reds knew, and when they knew it. More importantly, I want to know how this franchise survived the McCarthy Era (they changed their name to Redlegs, but c’mon, Red is Red). Were their sleeveless uniforms a fashion statement, or was it a subtle ploy to allow Ted Kluszewski’s massive arms to roam free in silent, terrifying splendor, signaling certain doom to all who might threaten the Reds’ clearly Communist ownership?

Tradition: The Redlegs were the first all-professional team in baseball history, founded in 1863 and going the paid route in 1869. Unfortunately, with a few notable exceptions, that distinction resonates as a claim to fame far more than their on-field performance. They did “beat” the Black Sox in 1919 to claim a World Series title, then got another in 1940 before lying fallow for 3+ decades. The Big Red Machine was one of the great non-Yankee dynasties, though it did sow the seeds of Joe Morgan’s inexplicably large ego and small processing capacity. Recently, not much of which to speak, other than Ken Griffey’s hamstrings and a little league-sized ballyard.

If They Named the Team Today…ah, hell, who knows. I’ve got nothing when it comes to Cincinnati. They make killer chili, but it has spaghetti in it – that’s a sin against God and man. They have a nice little connector airport, but I think it might actually be in Kentucky. Jerry Springer used to be the mayor. That’s not very helpful. Based on my utter lack of inspiration, I’m letting the cutting edge marketing gurus have a crack at this one, and they’re going with the Hillcats – Cincy is, in fact, the City of Seven Hills. (It’s also the Queen City, but unless Freddy Mercury comes back to life and takes ownership, that one’s probably not gonna fly.)

Overall Impact: Rooted in tradition, deeply connected to the city, Reds is a rock-solid name for the Cincy squad. Nothing fancy, but it works.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Originality: The former Alleghenys were dubbed the Pirates by their competitors in the 1890s, who were non-plussed over alleged free-agent chicanery. In an age before the swashbuckling name had anything to do with anti-gay slurs, it stuck, and the alliteration was just a pleasant byproduct. In a related story, Washington Bullets management petitioned the NBA to change the Heat’s moniker to Scum-Sucking Slicky-Boy Weasels after the Miami franchise played games in pursuit of Juwan Howard. In retrospect, the Bullets should have just kept their mouths shut. Typically inept Boulez management.

Geo-cultural relevance: The Allegheny and Ohio rivers were among the most notoriously pirate-infested waterways in America at the beginning of the 20th Century, until the slow-witted buccaneers realized that they really couldn’t do much with the giant coal and steel barges they’d seized*. In fact, the current site of the Pirates’ gorgeous new stadium sits on land that was once a massive pile of coal and steel booty dumped by really stupid pirates who couldn’t figure out what to do with their hauls. Oddly, the Monongahela River was spared this fate.

* - oh, hell, nevermind

Tradition: Growing up, the Pirates were one of the most colorful and badass of all franchises, with Willie Stargell leading the ‘We Are Family’ Buccos to the 1979 World Series championship and Dave Parker, Bill Madlock, Kent Tekulve and the rest of the squad sporting old-school squared-off caps. Bill Mazeroski’s legendary homer won the 1960 Series, guaranteeing a soft spot for the Pirates in the hearts of generations of Yankee haters. Lately, though, the Pirates are the running punch line in baseball’s joke of an economic system, failing to even post a winning record in the last 14 years.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d be broadcasting a cry for help, enlisting Bob Costas to help plead their case, stuck in baseball’s ghetto. The Orphans might still suck on the field, but they’d get the sympathy vote.

Overall Impact: It’s not the nickname’s fault that the team stinks on ice.

Houston Astros

Originality: Both the Astros and the original Colt .45s are top-notch in this category, even if the Jetsons got there first on the team’s current name.

Geo-cultural relevance: We have liftoff. NASA’s Manned Spaceflight Center (which became the Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center in 1973) is located in Houston, giving us the “Houston, We have a problem.” line made legendary by Stuart Scott’s SportsCenter recitation. (Wait, you mean to tell me that ESPN didn’t make that up? That the World Wide Leader isn’t the font of all original comedic wisdom? Whatever. Chris Berman hates you.) The Astros spawned the Astrodome, Astroturf, and Astroglide. Two out of three ain’t bad.

Tradition: Despite only modest on-field success, the Astros single-handedly melded the pyschodelia of the 60s to sports fashion with their cutting edge (and, in my mind, so far before their time) rainbow-barf uniforms. For that, and the LSD-inspired touches in Minute Maid Park, the ‘Stros get high marks here.

If They Named the Team Today…I think they’d probably stick with Astros – it’s an awesome name. Possibly, though, they’d grudgingly admit that baseball is at best the 4th most popular sport in Texas behind NFL football, college football, and high school football, and reclaim the Oilers name in hopes of confusing easily duped Texans.

Overall Impact: Hey, like I said, it’s an awesome name.

NL Central Recap: Man, I can’t believe something’s gonna beat Astros, but Brewers sneaks in front by a head. Pirates, Cubs, Cardinals, and Reds – fine names all – settle for a third-place tie. The NL Central is easily the best division in baseball from the perspective of overall team name quality, which balances the fact that it’s clearly the worst in the sport on the field.

Next up: NL West

Previous Entries:

MLB AL East

MLB AL Central
MLB AL West

MLB NL East