Yet More Definitive Footy Takes

You got the kit takes, and on the first day of the 2026-27 Premier League season (Holders Arsenal host newcomers Coventry City at 3:00, live on USA), you get another definitive analysis. I offer you the GTB vibes-based Premier League predicted order of finish.

First, a few opinions from the experts:

Opta is a analytical outfit that uses data to model predicted outcomes. Here's their take.

Three of NBC's pundits offer their opinion.

Finally, the BBC weighs in here.

I crunched the numbers to see how our vibes compared with the experts, and a few things stood out.

In this view, the higher the number, the better the expected finish. 20 for first, 19 for second, down to 1 for 20th and last. 

We are more bullish than the experts about Liverpool, Leeds, Sunderland, and Fulham (not saying much - the experts are not high on the Cottagers) and generally more bearish about Man City (we're right on this one, hear me now and believe me later), Forest, and Newcastle. And now we've got a way to track our gut. Game on!

GTB's Definitive Review of the 2026-27 EPL Kits

At the time of posting, we're fewer than 36 hours away from the start of a new Premier League season. One of the league's traditional preseason activities (in addition to exhibition games/money grabs in places far from the UK and Chelsea overpaying for middling talent) is the release of new kit designs. Which, come to think of it, is also a money grab.

ESPN has helpfully catalogued and ranked all of this season's new looks so you can judge their relative attractiveness (or lack thereof) for yourselves. But we're here to serve, so if you don't have that much time, allow us to tell you what's Good, Meh, and Ugly.

The Good

Sunderland were surprisingly frisky last season after being promoted from the Championship. The Black Cats took some major scalps early in the campaign, and wound up in 7th place, good for a Europa League spot. They celebrated by dropping a pair of sweet kits:

ESPN ranks their away kit as the very best of the new season's offerings. I like it, too.

But don't sleep on the update to their classic home togs, which are an homage to the club's 1937 FA Cup winners, and feature a ton of vintage details:

Coventry make their first return to the Premier League since the 2000-01 season. They were in the fourth division as recently as 2014. They're headed back up wearing a sweet home getup:

Crystal Palace has punched above its weight the past few seasons, winning the FA Cup and the UEFA Conference League. They've always had a sharp kit featuring diagonal red and blue stripes, and they've modernized it a bit this year:

Some observers don't like Brighton's away kits, claiming they're too bland. Those people are wrong. These are really clean:

The Meh

Adidas has done this thing recently where they leave a cap in the three stripes markings that run down the sleeves, probably to fit in more sponsorship logos. Let us go on record as disliking it - see Fulham's fairly unambitious home kit as an example of the form:

Chelsea is a mess in a lot of ways (though I expect them to be pretty competitive on the pitch under new manager Xabi Alonso). Their home kit design seems to be a complete afterthought.

A bunch of clubs, including the aforementioned Fulham, are basically running back the same home kits they've used for a while now. So don't expect anything interesting from Arsenal, Spurs, Manchester United, Bournemouth, and several others.

Everton is a blue club, just like Chelsea, and they didn't break any new ground, either, but I do like the little splash of yellow on the collar.

The Ugly

With due respect to our man Marls, Newcastle's home kit is a nice try, but a bizarre execution:

Hull City is newly promoted. Let's hope they play better than they design kits.

I generally like Leeds United's kits, but someone should've thought about how this season's home kit would look when the sponsor's logo was applied:

And finally, for good reason, Spurs seem to understand that their home kit is fairly standard, so they went for it with their away togs. They should not have done so.

Check out the rest at the ESPN link. There are some decent kits out there and some other fairly boring efforts. Tell us how we did.

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: Day Seven

On the seventh day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me...

Seven Football Stories
Six Bits Worth Reviving
Five Awesome Gifts
Four Smokin' Rock Chicks
Three Blogging Concepts (Sports, Drinking, Elitism)
Two Footie Stories
And a Doofus on a Pony

Yes, we're hitting you up with more football talk. We will focus on EPL action here, as recent events in league play have set the stage for a fascinating Spring in 2012. So without further ado, let's kick it off.

1) The Big 4 is Now the Big 7. The Big 4 have seen some newcomers infringe on their turf at the top of the league tables, and while the title chase appears to be a two-horse race with the Manchester clubs, spots 3-7 remain very competitive. It seemed to be a given that Manchester City was going to run away with the league title, but a 2-1 loss to Chelsea in an intense match ten days ago has shifted momentum. Manchester City, with 44 points, leads Manchester United by two points as we near the halfway part of the season. A quintet of clubs trails them, hoping to climb into the Top 4 to qualify for next year's Champions League. They are Tottenham (34 pts), Chelsea (32), Arsenal (32), Liverpool (30) and Newcastle (27).

2) Spurs Is for Real. So is Newcastle. The biggest surprises of the season have been Tottenham and Newcastle. Spurs have been aided by ageless American keeper Brad Friedel, while Newcastle has seemed to scrape and claw their way through every match, rediscovering their swagger in their second season back in the EPL after being relegated a few years back. They have fallen back a bit of late, but their cool uniforms make them worthy of inclusion.

3) The Return of Landon (Calrissean) Donovan. Landon will be loaned out to Everton again for two months, after a successful stint there in 2010. Everton could sneak up into the top 8 of the standings if Donovan can provide the horsepower on offense to compliment Tim Howard.

4) Will Manchester United Sure Up Their Midfield? The Red Devils have been struggling to put the ball into the net for much of the year. The center midfield position has been an especially weak spot, forcing Sir Alex Ferguson to play Wayne Rooney in more of a midfield role. Michael Carrick is serviceable but not great, Phil Jones is a natural wing player and Darren Fletcher is suffering from a "chronic inflammatory bowel condition" called ulcerative colitis. Sounds unfun. So let's cross our fingers that the Glazers can pony up some casheesh to bring in a talented player during the January transfer window.

5) Will Manchester City's Team of All-Stars and Lunatics Implode the Squad? Since my last post on Manchester City on Day Two of Gheorghe-mas, the team has not disappointed me. Model-banging striker Mario Balotelli got into a fight with teammate Micah Richards at practice. Practice!? We talking 'bout practice. Practice. The club is dealing with the situation by increasing the height of its fences at its training field so the media can't see the dysfunction firsthand. For the record, I wouldn't mess with Micah Richards. Dude looks like he can whoop some ass. But then again, if I was a 20 year-old Ferrari driving multimillionaire, I might do it.



6) The Fall (And Subsequent Rise) of Arsenal. Arsenal shat the bed pretty fiercely out of the gate this Fall, starting the season 1-3-1, which included an 8-2 arse-whooping loss to Manchester United and a 4-3 loss to feeble Blackburn. However, the team has pulled it together since then, going 9-2-1 in its subsequent twelve matches to climb into a 4th place tie with Chelsea.

7) Sports Appetizer This Afternoon. We have a great weekend of NFL and NBA action ahead of us, but you can start your sports viewing this long weekend by watching Spurs-Chelsea at 3 PM. Go get some.

Bonus footage: Ruud van Nistlerooy highlight clip. Mr. van Nistlerooy was a prolific Dutch striker who played for Man U for six years earlier this decade, and then for Real Madrid for four more years. His skills were almost as awesome as his name is, so we are including a clip of him. I admire this clip poster's fandom, if not his grammatical skills.

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: Day Two

On the second day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me...

Two Footie Stories
And a Doofus on a Fake Pony

There's not much to recap from Day One, which appears to be a photo of a constipated Irishman straining to defecate behind a piece of plywood with a hole in it. I can't match that, but I can preview an interesting week of red hot footie action.

The two stories are the divergent paths Manchester City are taking in the two most prominent competitions in which they are participating - the Premier League and the Champions League. In the Premier League, Man City has been pretty much unstoppable, having earned 38 of 42 possible points through fourteen matches. They have a 5 point lead over Manchester United, but a larger psychological lead after they destroyed Man U 6-1 at Old Trafford in October.

The team has an embarrassment of riches in terms of talent, with a deep arsenal of strikers (apologies for the lame pun) that has more than withstood the petulance of Argentinian striker Carlos Tevez (who pulled this nonsense earlier this fall). The team has a world class goalie in English national team keeper Joe Hart and top-notch midfielders in Frenchman Samir Nasri and Spaniard David Silva. Owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan and his $4.9 billion net worth seem to have an insatiable appetite for high-priced players, much like my appetite for Cheez Whiz. He's like the Daniel Snyder of the Middle East, but much much much much much much more successful.

The newest and most exciting of the team's strikers is 20 year-old Mario Balotelli, a Ghanian immigrant who is exceptionally gifted. And batshit crazy. Here's a picture of his girlfriend. She seems nice.

Below are two YouTube clips to present the man in full. But before you read those, read here to learn about the fireworks display he set off in his own bathroom that resulted in a call to the local fire department. You can also read a more heartwarming story here about the time he convinced a young boy to get into his Ferrari (much better than it sounds).





While the team appears to be cruising in the EPL, it is struggling mightily in the UEFA Champions League and is unlikely to escape the group stage of 32 this week and advance to the knockout stage. For a club that is one of the top five in the world (and may arguably be the second-best), to fall on their face this week is a major embarrassment, though one whose pain could be allayed by continued EPL success.

Man City plays in Group A against Italian squad Napoli (2-1-2, 7 pts), Spanish squad Villareal (0-5, 0 pts) and Bayern Munich (4-1 11 pts). Man City has a 2-2-1 record, which puts them in third place with 7 pts. They need to climb past an inferior Napoli this week. However, Napoli plays at pathetic Villareal, while Man City has to host Bayern Munich. Man City needs a miracle tie or win from the Spaniards, who have been outscored 12-2 in aggregate over their first five matches. They also need to beat a quality German side, although it is one that will not likely field their best side, as they have locked up the right to advance.

Many of the sixteen remaining Champions League games from the group stage will be broadcast on the Fox Soccer Channel tomorrow and Wednesday. The Group A matches air on Wednesday.

Bonus soccer news: Clint Dempsey scored the only goal on Monday as Fulham upset Liverpool. The win keeps Fulham ahead in the battle to avoid relegation. Dude continues to be a solid EPL player.

Bonus soccer blog recommendation: sign up to get Grantland Network's Men in Blazers podcast. Two guys talk weekly on the EPL, the Champions League and the US and English national teams. Both are Brits, although one has lived much of his life in the US. The guys are very knowledgeable and do not at all take themselves seriously. Extremely entertaining. Here is a link to their tumblr site, although I'll admit I don't know what a tumblr is. It appears to be missing an e.

Bonus Balotelli girlfriend photos: Here are two of an old flame, Melissa Castagnoli. She seems nice too.

Preview of EPL Relegation Battle Sunday

With one week left in the 2010-11 EPL season, Manchester United has been crowned champion. But we're not here to talk about them. We're here to discuss the losers clubs in the league. Man U will field a squad of reserves to play a match this Sunday that is totally meaningless to them, yet profoundly important to their opponent, 17th place Blackpool. Blackpool is one of three teams tied for 17th-19th place with 39 points (others are Birmingham and Wigan Athletic). Two of these three teams will join West Ham and be relegated to the Championship League next year. In the event some teams remain tied in points, the first tiebreaker is goal differential. The three teams in the mix have goal differentials of -20 to -22. So all three of these teams will have to win big or cross their fingers they don't get dumped.

Our friend at the cyber-carcass once known as the Wheelhouse has discussed this process in more detail than me in the past, but it is worth repeating that the stakes are enormous for these teams. By keeping their membership in the EPL, the teams secure themselves a hefty revenue stream for TV rights, increased merchandise sales, larger-breasted groupies and all the other good stuff that comes from playing in a larger league.

So what do we have on tap this weekend? Here are the three matches affecting relegation. If you plan to watch any/all of these, be warned that all league matches will start at the same time (11 AM ET on Sunday) to avoid teams changing strategy based on prior results in the week.

Birmingham (-20 goal differential) @ Tottenham Hotspur. Unfortunately for Birmingham, this game has meaning for Tottenham, as it looks to lock up a 5th place finish and secure a place in next year's Europa League, the junior version of the Champions League. Despite possibly qualifying for this tourney, this year is disappointing for a squad that thought it could climb to the top four in the standings again and make a repeat showing at next year's Champions League tournament, after an impressive quarterfinals visit in this year's tourney. But the team still had an admirable year and will be playing in front of its home fans, who will likely be okay with the Europa League, where Spurs has the potential to dominate. Birmingham will need to sack up and show it belongs in the EPL. The squad has absolutely fallen apart to slide into the relegation zone. It has earned only 1 point in its last 5 matches. They will need to stop one of the best young players in the league, rising English star Gareth Bale. And they won't.
Prediction: 3-0 victory for Spurs.


Blackpool (-21 goal differential) @ Manchester United. Blackpool may have the toughest match-up of the teams in danger, but this game is merely a glorified exhibition for Man U. It has nothing to play for and will avoid exposing any valuable players to injury six days before the Champions League finals. But that said, Man U's reserves would probably be a mid-level squad in the EPL. And the match will be a rare showcase for some hungry youngsters auditioning for playing time next season. Blackpool has admirably fought over the last month to try to escape the cellar. It earned six points in its last four matches, including a 4-3 win last week against the (Michael) Bolton Wanderers. The team is showing some heart and some firepower, and we think it will hang in with the Man U back-ups.
Prediction: 2-2 tie.

Wigan Athletic (-22 goal differential) @ Stoke City. Stoke City is at the top of a log-jam in the middle of the standings, where the 9th-14th place teams are separated by only two points. They may have some financial motivation to hold down 9th place, but that would involve work on my end. And, as we know, this is difficult to do with the internet. And I am lazy. So we'll just assume they have little to play for. Stoke City has gone 2-2-2 in their last six, proving they are every bit as average as we think they are. Wigan Athletic, the worst positioned team facing relegation, has played pretty well recently, going 2-1-2 in its last five matches. It beat West Ham 3-2 last week to secure West Ham's relegation, which is like beating up a special ed kid to feel better about yourself. But Stoke City is no punching bag. It is more like Warren.
Prediction: 2-1 victory for Stoke City. Franks and beans, bitches.

Conclusion.Based on my inane and ignorant predictions, we have Blackpool edging out Birmingham and Wigan Athletic. So apologies to Birmingham, the city that spawned Black Sabbath, and Wigan, the city that spawned the World Pie Eating Competition. And Kajagoogoo. For reals.


We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Look for a Champions League preview post, which has a 40% chance of seeing the light of day.

This is Like the Apex of the Vortex....

...just not the apex of the vortex of joint technology. It's the apex of the vortex of the British soccer season for the Big Three clubs in the EPL. Heading into the last six weeks of the season, Manchester United and Chelsea (and, to a lesser extent, Arsenal) are embroiled in a tight race, with the top two teams separated by one point in the standings and Arsenal four back of the lead. Man U and Chelsea have battled each other for the lead all season, while Arsenal pulled off an improbable rally in February and March to climb back in the mix. After a scoreless tie against Aston Villa on January 27th, followed up with a crushing 3-1 loss to Man U on January 31st, Arsenal ripped off six consecutive wins to make up some ground while the other two clubs had minor stumbles. However, they had a poor showing last weekend in a 1-1 tie with Birmingham city and now will need a lot of help if they want to win the league title.

The fates of these three teams will be determined in large part by the events this Saturday. At 7:45 AM, you can point your rabbit ears over to ESPN2 to watch Man U host Chelsea at Old Trafford. A Man U win should make them almost impossible to beat, as they will have only five games left, most against weaker EPL opponents. A Chelsea win puts them in the driver's seat with a two-point lead, while a tie opens up the door for Arsenal, who should be able to dispatch a shaky Wolverhampton squad. In the event of a Man U-Chelsea tie and an Arsenal win, Man U would have 73 points, Chelsea would have 72 and Arsenal would have 71. In this event, look for the fourth-place Tottenham Hotspurs to be a spoiler. They play Arsenal, Chelsea and Man U in three consecutive weeks in mid-April.

But this weekend's slate of matches is merely a portion of the red hot footie action over the next eight days. In addition to EPL matches, Man U and Arsenal both remain active in Champions League play, although Chelsea spit the bit against Inter Milan early last week and was eliminated. We've got a flurry of big Champions League matches starting today. Man U starts a brutal eight-day stretch. The team travels to Germany to face Bayern Munich in the Champions League today, in the first of a two-match series. The team then returns home to Old Trafford for the Chelsea tilt in four days and remains at home to host Bayern Munich three days later. That's three very difficult matches in two countries in eight days. Not an easy task for any squad, let alone a veteran team.

There are three reasons for Red Devils fans to be optimistic. First, Bayern has lost two straight Bundesliga matches and has gone 1-2-1 in its last four to fall out of first place. Second, Man U was able to rest a lot of its firepower in last week's romp over the official team of The Teej, the (Michael) Bolton Wanderers, as Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand, Paul Scholes, Michael Carrick and Ji-Sung Park all sat out in the win. Third, last week's win saw the return of injured young striker Federico Macheda, who shows flashes of both Cristiano Ronaldo's artful footwork and John Terry's legendary libido. Macheda, pictured above, was born in August 1991. Commence feeling old now.

There are additional quarterfinal Champions League games today and tomorrow. The Bayern-Man U game is being shown on delay on Fox Soccer Channel tonight, but those of us with work colleagues on the road will be darting raindrops en route to a pub for the 2:45 PM ET start.

Hot August Mornings

Neil Diamond thanks the Lord for the night time, but this guy (Editor's note: author pauses to point two thumbs at himself) thanks the Lord for the morning time. And cable TV. And my DVR. For the confluence of these inventions will allow me to satiate my growing thirst for EPL soccer.



While the hot-shot bachelors amongst the tens of our readers will do things this weekend like (Editor's note: author pauses to prepare his Bennett Brauer impersonation) "drink at bars," "see live music" and "score with chicks," the author will do things like "get infant feces on my hand," "fold laundry" and "drink scotch alone on my couch." But the saving grace of my weekend will be back-to-back mornings of EPL heavyweights in action.

On Saturday morning, ESPN2 will show Man U's third match of the season at 9:55 AM. The Red Devils will match up against a feisty Wigan United squad that I know nothing about. They have a new coach, they had an impressive two-nil win over Aston Villa in their first match, and followed that up with a shut-out loss to Wolverhampton in their second match.

Man U, also 1-1 on the season, hopes to bounce back from a shocking loss to recently promoted Burnley on Wednesday. The team has lost some of its firepower from last year due to the departure of the flamboyantly talented hooker-loving Cristiano Ronaldo and the Argentinian spark-plug striker (and fan-favorite) Carlos Tevez, who was like the team's Vinnie Johnson, minus the short shorts. And jump shot. Man U is also hurting on defense, as ageless keeper Edwin Van Der Sar will be out a couple months after thumb surgery. Back-up keeper Ben Foster was shaky in sparse playing time last season. He will have to step it up in a big way if Man U wants to repeat this season.

Other Man U players to watch:

Nemanja Vidic - The bruising Serbian stopper was voted the team's player of the year by his teammates. He is a brute on the back-line, a superior version of the US' Oguchi Onyewu, with some Ivan Drago mixed in. He stepped up last season while fellow defender Rio Ferdinand suffered with some injuries. He is the uber-swarthy fellow at left in the picture above.

Dimitar Berbatov - The enigmatic striker was showered with the fans' jeers for most of the season as his seemingly laconic play disappointed them, in contrast with Tevez' constant energy. Berbatov even found himself on the bench a lot as Man U charged ahead late in the season. But he remains a lethal striker with a cannon foot. He will be under a lot of pressure to replace Ronaldo's goal-scoring production and make things happen up front with Wayne Rooney and new addition Michael Owen.

If this match-up doesn't whet your whistle, you can watch another great match at 11 AM on Sunday morning. The Fox Soccer Channel will show Chelsea facing off against Clint Dempsey's Fulham squad. Dempsey was recently re-signed by Fulham and has become a fixture on the field. So it makes it that much more fun to root against Chelsea.

As hated as they may be (by your humble author), Chelsea has a fantastic pool of talent. Up front, Didier Drogba is one of the most skilled strikers in the world, despite perpetually featuring some of the worst hair you'll ever see. He's seen on the left in the picture to the left, next to Belgian native (and Everton player) Marouane Fellaini, who is included because, well, you have to include an afro like that. Anchoring the middle of the field is German Michael Ballack, a guy who plays the game the way it should be played - extremely physical every second of the match, yet not a dirty player. He cemented his reputation as one of the best players in the world at the 2002 World Cup, where, as a 25 year-old, he helped lead Germany to the finals. He is now past his prime, but he's still a lock-down player, almost like a Ray Lewis type.

So saddle up to the telly, gents. With a DVR and a cup of hot joe, you can buzz through each match in less than two hours.