Monday, August 05, 2019

A Solution to All of Our Problems

Usually, I meander my way through the beginnings of a post, constructing a comma-filled and clause-ridden introduction that defies everything I was taught as a high school journalism student about who, what, where, when, how lede construction. Not today, though. No sir. Not today. Today, I'm gonna get right to the point, quickly, succinctly, without fanfare. In fact, I'm not even going to use my own words, such a hurry I'm in to tell you about what may well be the biggest news of the week. Possibly of the year. Or maybe of all time. Hard to say, really, as I'm not a scientist, or a historian. But still, really big news. Here's what National Geographic has to say about it. It being the big news:

"A tiny, old star just 12 light-years away might host two temperate, rocky planets, astronomers announced today. If they’re confirmed, both of the newly spotted worlds are nearly identical to Earth in mass, and both planets are in orbits that could allow liquid water to trickle and puddle on their surfaces."

Shit.

With all that said, I actually buried the lede. The star's name, my friends, is most fortuitous.

I give you Teegarden's star:


Teeg's star, as you've undoubtedly concluded, is very close in name to Teej's star. And while we all know that Jess is Teej's terrestrial star, the celestial version, being so close to our own solar system, offers us potential salvation.

Those planets, that's what I'm thinking about. We're fucking ours up something fierce. We need options. Teej's star gives us exactly that.

We're gonna jump into big-ass spaceships, Battlestar Galactica-style, don our best funky socks and Brian Posehn t-shirts, and colonize those motherfuckers. We're starting over as a race, and Teej is gonna lead us. No nazi sympathizers. No guns allowed. People of all shapes, sizes, colors, sexual orientation, and creeds. Except for Mike Pence's creed. Some things shouldn't be tolerated.

Garden of Eden, meet Teej's Garden of Olive. All you can eat breadsticks with a hate-free trompe l'oeil backdrop. We've solved the problem.

Hallelujah.

20 comments:

TR said...

I was afraid there would be pics of Teej’s brown star. Glad there aren’t.

TR said...

Unrelated news that I’m a bit late on - former Tribe LB Luke Rhodes signed a 4-yr deal with $1.25 MM guaranteed in June to stay on as the Colts’ long snapper. He’s now the highest paid guy at that position in the league. My kids root for him. It’s a good story. Undrafted kid is one of the final cuts by the Bucs in his rookie training camp. Gets onto the Colts’ practice squad, and gets some special teams action in games as a rookie. After the season, the Colts tell him to learn longsnapping. He wins the job and does well for two years, and then signs this extension. He’s set up for success for the next few years.

T.J. said...

AND IM BRINGING 30-50 FERAL HOGS WITH ME

zman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
zman said...

Garden of Teejen?

Mark said...

The feral hogs tweet going super viral is Twitter at its (rare) finest.

Danimal said...

Current situation...flew into Gatwick this morning with little on the books today outside a couple hours of client time. Listening to my man Ed, mgr at my b and b/pub talking rugby 7's with an old timer sittin text to me. 2nd Guinness on order.

Whitney said...

Enjoy, Danimal.

Local paper with a follow-up piece on a senseless waste of life within the Tribe community. I was about 50 yards from the incident on a rooftop bar when it happened, obliviously enjoying the same brand of bev that Dan is now consuming.

Live well while you can. Go Tribe.

TR said...

I did not know Evans was selling weed during the shooting. I thought he was a bystander to something. Doesn’t justify him getting shot, but reminds us that dumb actions can have major consequences.

Dave said...

there's no way i'm going to a new planet where tj is releasing feral hogs, and i'm not bringing any guns . . .

mr kq said...

Nice Danimal US holds its own in 7s, just passed Italy in world rankings in 15s. Big match against Japan Fri.

Toes in the sand in KDH. Went for a road ride earlier, was looking for the Martha Wood. No luck, Is it walking distance to Tortuga’s?

Dave said...

only if you're a select few idiots . . . it's also running distance, if you're real dumb.

Whitney said...

Kenny, the Martha Wood landmark is Mulligan’s.

Whitney said...

Also, the MW sign was down the last time I went there

rob said...

just booked flights to spain in october for our anniversary. much excite.

TR said...

Where exactly u headed, Rob? I would think southern Spain/Barcelona/Spanish isles would still have great weather at that time of the year.

Jamon ibearico is the shit. Or “la mierda,” as the locals call it.

rob said...

my wife's best friend lives in madrid, so we're going to start there and then head south to seville/granada for a couple of days each.

rob said...

the final of the basketball tournament is physical, tight, and fun

TR said...

Starbucks regaled me with BBD’s Poison and B2M’s Motown Philly back-to-back this morning. I enjoyed both. And then felt old, realizing they’re both almost 30 y/o tunes.

Whitney said...

TR, thanks for a little inspiration