A Solution to All of Our Problems

Usually, I meander my way through the beginnings of a post, constructing a comma-filled and clause-ridden introduction that defies everything I was taught as a high school journalism student about who, what, where, when, how lede construction. Not today, though. No sir. Not today. Today, I'm gonna get right to the point, quickly, succinctly, without fanfare. In fact, I'm not even going to use my own words, such a hurry I'm in to tell you about what may well be the biggest news of the week. Possibly of the year. Or maybe of all time. Hard to say, really, as I'm not a scientist, or a historian. But still, really big news. Here's what National Geographic has to say about it. It being the big news:

"A tiny, old star just 12 light-years away might host two temperate, rocky planets, astronomers announced today. If they’re confirmed, both of the newly spotted worlds are nearly identical to Earth in mass, and both planets are in orbits that could allow liquid water to trickle and puddle on their surfaces."

Shit.

With all that said, I actually buried the lede. The star's name, my friends, is most fortuitous.

I give you Teegarden's star:

Teeg's star, as you've undoubtedly concluded, is very close in name to Teej's star. And while we all know that Jess is Teej's terrestrial star, the celestial version, being so close to our own solar system, offers us potential salvation.

Those planets, that's what I'm thinking about. We're fucking ours up something fierce. We need options. Teej's star gives us exactly that.

We're gonna jump into big-ass spaceships, Battlestar Galactica-style, don our best funky socks and Brian Posehn t-shirts, and colonize those motherfuckers. We're starting over as a race, and Teej is gonna lead us. No nazi sympathizers. No guns allowed. People of all shapes, sizes, colors, sexual orientation, and creeds. Except for Mike Pence's creed. Some things shouldn't be tolerated.

Garden of Eden, meet Teej's Garden of Olive. All you can eat breadsticks with a hate-free trompe l'oeil backdrop. We've solved the problem.

Hallelujah.