Why I Oppose Nut Shots

I have decided to get serious and oppose something too. Maybe not something as serious as this, but something deserving of attention, nonetheless. And I am ashamed to say this, but you are all to blame for this menace. I was once to blame as well, but I'm changing my tune from soprano to baritone. I am, of course, talking about the glorification of the nut shot.


The nuts . . . otherwise known as the jewels, the sack, the nut-sack, the balls, the scrotum, the tea-bag, the gonads, the purse, the testicles (if you're the scientific sort) and, my favorite: the junk. Despite the humble appearance of these wrinkled weebles, we must remember that they are where human life originates. No, they are not as elegant as the female genitalia; no, they will probably never achieve these aesthetic heights, but-- appearances aside-- they are half the equation in the creation of a new soul.

It is time for men to band together and protect their own. Everyday, billions of men go out into the world, naked, without the protection of an athletic cup, to earn their livings, eat large amounts of food, get drunk, and do many other very important manly things. And if one of those brave, unprotected men suffers a whack in the sack, what do other men do? They laugh. This is abominable and uncivilized. It is time for men to stop this derision towards their fellow brothers. Have you ever seen a group of women laughing at one of their own, just after she was kicked in the snatch?


There is no lower form of humor than the nut shot. There is nothing meaner than reveling in someones scrotal agony. I did some research-- make sure you scroll down-- and a nut shot is serious. There are a serious amount of nerves in the testicular region, plus even a "medium shot lowers sperm count." A nut shot can also cause you to double over because of abdominal spasms, and there is always the possibility of (gulp) a rupture. To laugh at misfortune is despicable. Especially if it is a fellow man doubled over holding his nuts. The Germans call this sort of humor "schadenfreude." And if the Germans have a word for it, then it's not funny. Good God! The nut shot is actually illegal in boxing, the most corrupt sport of them all (according to Igor).


If a brother man is hit in the nuts, we should not laugh, but empathize. Ask not what a nut shot can do for you, but ask what you can do for someone's nuts.

The digital age has compounded this problem. In simpler times, you saw maybe two or three nut shots a year. Perhaps at a soccer game, or during the breaking of the pinata at a kid's party. Now that we have access to nut shot compilations, we can see two or three nut shots a minute. Each and every day. We require more and more nut shots to sate our nut-thirsty habits. When will this end? Perhaps we will have learned our lesson when the American sperm count hits zero.


I can remember a day not so long ago, when Igor, Rob, and I sat on our freshman hall, hands over our genitals, eying our fellow men with suspicion, protecting ourselves from what we innocently called a "flang dang." Nut shots ran rampant for a few months on that freshman hall, and if I could get that time back, I would use it differently. Instead of oppressing my fellow man's junk, I would help that junk to flourish. There were girls right down the hall! Couldn't our time have been better spent? Spent procreating, freeing our nuts, instead of compressing them into painful oppression. And for what? A moment of laughter. This is no way to live. The next time someone tries to get you to watch a nut-shot video, look away. Just say no. Both your nuts deserve it.