God damn it

My college football pick em is pummeling me right now. 1-5 to start the day, with two more losses on the way. Stupid Northwestern - Now I'll have to listen to a giddy Wilbon all week.

Well, if I thought the college picks were bad, oh man did I fuck up the pro picks. I am the worst gambler ever. Seriously.

Worst Wednesday Ever

I still don't really know why the DC Greys wanted to beat us up last night. I am not sure if it's possible to feel worse at work. It hurts to type.

For the Annals

The Hawks, Arlington Men's League Softball: Soooooo not Gheorghe.

Wait, so you're telling me...

a younger sibling of a famous and talented celebrity is really a no-talent hack? I don't believe you. Next you're going to tell me the Red Sox committed 8 errors in the first two games of the World Series and won both games (rather easily).

"Teen songbird Ashlee Simpson had a microphone malfunction on "Saturday Night Live" last night, scurrying off stage when a production glitch caught her lip-synching the wrong tune."

Speaking of no talent, nice to see Jimmy Fallon getting great seats for the game, and then having Tom Hanks think he was Jude Law. I'm sure Jude vomited in his mouth when he saw that (then again, Jude Law doesn't strike me as much of a sports fan, so forget that).

I Knew It!

Sports Guy just admitted: "I don't know anything about the Cardinals. I didn't even know there WAS a National league until about 20 minutes ago."

I've always contended that he's a Red Sox fan, not a baseball fan, and I guess he's freely admitting it. Dammit, dude, spend less time watching trashy/reality TV and more time watching non-Sox baseball. Or college football. Or rugby. (Did I successfully slip that last one in?)

I don't know why I feel the need to tear this guy down all the time. Maybe because I'm jealous of his job. (Maybe???) He's really pretty good most of the time. I occasionally give him a pass for little errors [not recognizing that Billy Squire (sic) is from Boston and that's why Fox played the tune], but I have a bigger issue that he willingly dismisses entire major sports while embracing entities like the NBA. But that's his prerogative; it just means that we'd have less to talk about in a bar. He was in his wheelhouse during the ALCS; today's chat may be the first chink in the armor (no Gheghis Khan jokes, TJ) as he reverts to Boston Sports Guy with little Cardinal knowledge of which to boast. Like Rob Russell in college, if you'll pardon that one.

Beating TeeJay to the Punch

It seems that Nugget phenom Carmelo Anthony has gotten busted with some pot in his backpack at the airport. In an explanation you saw cruising down main street, it wasn't his. Of course not. It was his friend's. Naturally. His friend borrowed the backpack and left it in there. Oh, how unfortunate.

The "it's not mine, my friend left it in there" excuse is a classic, sidling up alongside such gems as "My dog ate my homework," "I was just kidding," "She didn't mean anything," "I didn't know we were dating exclusively," "It was a contact high," "I never inhaled," "Somebody slipped me a mickey," "I didn't know she was your sister," "I was just borrowing it," "I was going to pay for it," "I didn't know she was a prostitute," "I had a tuna sandwich for lunch," "I read it for the articles," "It's patchouli," "I'm just tired," "I couldn't pass these tests even if I were sober," "The bitch set me up," "I was entrapped by the DC police," "The DC police planted those drugs in my car," "[every sentence Marion Barry's ever uttered]," and "I got those staples in my head from hitting an awning rail, definitely not from getting caught giving a guy some road head and ramming my head into the bottom of the steering wheel."

Soon to be trite expression: So that's what makes Anthony so 'melo!

Using the whole fist, Doc?

Mooooooon river...It definitely felt like Mr. Babar's visit to Alan Stanwyk's doctor for 9 innings last night. First off, Congratulations to the 2004 Boston Red Sox, American League Champions. I can only imagine GTB creator Rob Russell's state of mind today. The greatest comeback in postseason history. They came out for Game 7 and they knew they were going to win damn it. Lowe even said that after the game. Unreal - ALL these guys seem to have balls the size of Saturn. A tip of the cap to all of them, from Frozen Caveman Yankee Killer to Papi to Keith "Anyone got Dr. Jobe's phone number" Foulke to Schilling to Lowe to Francona. Left for dead, those guys absolutely took it to their most hated rivals. As a Yankee fan, they crushed me last night. I was a fucking vegetable for 9 innings.

Now, I am not about to let this Yankees team off the hook. I mean, has there ever been a bigger egg laid in a Game 7, a Game 7 at home in front of 55,000 raucous fans? This was a fucking disaster of the highest order, a MONUMENTAL collapse:
Starting pitching, disaster (Kevin Brown, I've been saying it for 6 weeks, and you proved it last night - You are a huge fucking douchebag. Hey Vazquez, I wouldn't be giggling in the background pal. These two guys are the Anti-Schilling, hell they're the Anti-Lowe)
Bullpen, bad times (When Benny the Cab Driver from Total Recall is your only lefty in the bullpen, that isn't a good sign. I can't even discuss this whole Mariano Rivera thing right now,and apparently he couldn't either, basically running from reporters last night)
Hitting, uh what's hitting (Games 4-7 versions)? (Credit Schilling and Lowe and that bullpen, but aren't Sheffield and Rodriguez supposed to be veteran hitters who can fight off good pitchers? Well it didn't look that way. A-Rod looked downright confused last night)
Clutch hitting, went to get a latte? (See rant above)
Taking just a few pitches, what are you nuts? (I mean, I know Miguel Cairo needs to take pitches, because he's Miguel Cairo, but even Jeter took some last night to try to get something going - Would it have killed them?)

Derek Lowe did of course pitch very well last night, but the Yankees certainly aided him in becoming a very rich man this offseason. I think the only time I smiled last night was when I realized Jim Leyritz was being outfitted by Macho Man Randy Savage. George is getting very upset. If people thought a $200 million payroll was bad, oh man, is next year's spending spree gonna be ugly. Can the Astros win tonight and give Red Sox Nation the dream matchup in Fenway they so desire? Have I set the record for most parentheses in a post? Has anyone in Boston slept yet?

So it's all come down to this

I don't have the energy or skill to type very much right now, but since I have zero ability to focus at work today, I'll come back later and try (but surely fail) to discuss another nail biter in the 2004 ALCS. I am so exhausted as a fan, it's unfathomable. I feel like I'm being hazed. Games 1-3 were the false sense of security, Games 4-6 have been the real deal, and I'm now so disoriented I have no idea what to expect for Game 7. I've been joking for a few days about this, but Game 7 is truly going to kill me. If you stop by the wake, try to say a few nice things about me.

I like reading things written as a list, let me see if I can gather my thoughts enough to make a list (and these are gonna come sporadically, as my brain is functioning on a Chris Griffin level):

(1) For once, I have absolutely no problem with the collective sports media getting on their knees and sucking Curt Schilling’s D. That was an otherworldly performance, probably the gutsiest pitching performance I’ve ever seen. For weeks I’ve been saying Schilling ain’t the beloved sweetheart everyone makes him out to be, but hell, after last night, it doesn’t matter if he kicks babies or kills cats in his free time. He was awesome. Curt Schilling = New England sports legend.

(2) I'm struggling, reaching for straws. I don't even feel like making fun of McCarver, or pondering how surreal it was to see police in riot gear on the field in the late innings. Let's just all agree to skip the rest of the day and prepare for Game 7. It's gonna be a doozy.

(3) Less than 6 hours to first pitch. I'm sure Kevin Brown and Derek Lowe are pretty calm right now.

(4) 4 hours to go. This work day has been extremely looooooooooooooong.

(5) Well that was the worst list ever. Go Yankees.

Good God, This Is Outta Hand

I mean, this is ridiculous right? I'm not exaggerating here, am I? I'm not even speaking of the result (I'll let the professionals handle that) - I'm simply speaking of the game I witnessed last night. That was EXHAUSTING. I'm pretty sure that game lasted longer than Yakoff Smirnov's career. That has got to be the most intense ballgame I have ever seen. Every pitch, every at bat, for what seemed like 12 hours, was make or break. Kudos to both bullpens, especially donkeys like Heredia and Quantrill, who I was sure were gonna give that away on every pitch. How can these two teams be expected to play again tonight without physically collapsing on the field by the 6th? Hey, I'm not gonna rip Loaiza, that's the best (BY FAR) he's pitched since being on the Yankees. Perhaps next time the Yankees shouldn't leave 18 guys on base. As I said on this site just the other day, David Ortiz scares the shit out of me every time he's up. The man is a beast, and he's approaching Bird/Orr territory if he keeps up the heroics (or not, I'm sure SportsGuy will have 1,700 words to discuss this today).

I really enjoy my Angries softball, but I just rented a Navajo from the new Smithsonian to perform a raindance in my office.

Game 6 might really put me in the hospital.

Did I Type in the Wrong URL?

I . . . uh . . . well, I . . . I can't . . .

I'm sorry. I'm still digesting TJ Simspon's detailed, rave review of a Barry Manilow concert. By the way, TJ failed to mention that "I Write the Songs" was penned by Beach Boy Mike Love about Brian Wilson. Moist with irony.

Sleep deprivation...

courtesy of the ALCS. I'm so tired I can barely type, but even if I could, I don't know what to make of last night's Red Sox win. Is it the start of the most amazing comeback in baseball history, or was it just another tease for a tortured fan base? Is Rivera's blown save a bad sign of things to come, or just the motivating factor he needs to shut down the Sox tonight (power of positive thinking)? Does Pedro throw an absolute gem in what could be his final start in Boston, or does he get so juiced prior to gametime that his arm falls off in the 4th? So many questions, so few answers (except that Kevin Brown is indeed a huge douchebag), and so little sleep. Based on how this thing has gone so far, Game 5 will probably end after the Monday Night Football game (despite the 5pm start).

Oh yeah, Carlos Beltran is very good.

You ask me if I have a God complex...

Let me tell you something: I am God.

Physics Professor Goes on Rage in Class

Wed Oct 13,11:12 PM ET

LAFAYETTE, La. - A University of Louisiana at Lafayette physics professor was banned from the campus Wednesday and taken to the coroner's office for evaluation after threatening his class, university officials said.

Student Kacie Spears said professor Louis Houston lost control right after class began Wednesday morning and was yelling obscenities.

"Then he told us if we got out of our seats he's gonna kill us. He went on the black board and wrote "911 now", so we were really in fear for our lives," Spears told KATC-TV.

Spears said Houston slapped a student and then told his class he was God.

He writes the songs that make the whole world sing

Oh, Mandy, You came and you gave without taking (or as Homer Simpson would sing, Oh, Margie, You came and you gave me a turkey)...

That's right, last night, MCI Center, the one, the only, Barry Manilow, his "One Last Time" tour. Where do I start...
Heading for Section 425 (yeah I know, big spender) an Usheress (not a word) stopped us and swapped our tix for seats in Section 118. Sweet - I'm not sure if it's possible for my BetterHalf to be any happier, and we haven't even sat down yet.

Picked up two beers (I almost felt obliged to get the white wine) and what seemed to be a day old pretzel, spent $427 dollars, then felt better when I saw the price tag on some Manilow merchandise. Good god, I'm pretty sure the sweatshirt/poster combination cost more than my college tuition.

Quick rundown of the Section 118 roster:
Backwards Hat Lacrosse Kid, with his Mom - This was stunning to me, but we'll get back to him in a second.
Five Flailing Females in the Front Row - Elaine danced better than them.
Scott Van Pelt lookalike with his Crazy Wife - Her level of enthusiasm made the BH look like she was in a coma.
A mixed bag of ages, races, sexes - Apparently, Manilow brings the world together.

The man of the hour hits the stage to a TREMENDOUS ovation. The last time the MCI Center exploded like that, the Mystics were shattering the WNBA single season attendance record.

I'll give it to Barry, he really knows how to work the crowd. I was gonna start this post by joking that Manilow present day looks like Clay Aiken 30 years from now, but Barry did the bit himself. I'll give this to him - he's not afraid to laugh at himself. He beat me to the elevator music/easy listening crack as well. Then he lets on that he started his career doing commercial jingles, two of which we all know - State Farm (Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there...) and Band-Aid (I am stuck on Band-Aid, 'cause Band-Aids stuck on me...). I mean, is this guy a powerhouse or what?

Quick aside: You would've thought this was a WWE event with the amount of signs being held up. Best sign of the night - "Manilow Makes Me Moist" (OK, so I made that one up, but come on, how good is that alliteration?)

Solid hour of tunes from Barry, then a quick intermission. The second hour of Manilow was even better (yep, I was sucked in), however it was initially trumped by Backwards Hat Kid. Inexplicably, he gets up, mumbles something to Mom, and moves two rows down, laying serious game on the youngest of the Flailing Females. I mean, wow. This was impressive. Curt Schilling might group him with Brandon Arroyo as having "balls the size of Saturn". I do believe it led to some making out in the Uecker seats later on during "Copacabana".

Very solid second hour (gave us back-to-back-to-back smash hits), good encore, well worth the money. Hey Barry, where can I sign up for this Maniloonies fan club, or is it the Fanilow fan club?

You know what, I'm wondering if Mike Swint found his way to the MCI Center last night. If so, did I miss anything?

I've been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song
I put the words and the melodies together
I am music and I write the songs

I write the songs that make the whole world sing
I write the songs of love and special things
I write the songs that make the young girls cry
I write the songs, I write the songs

A little bit from Game 2

Well, we go from a 10-7 slugfest nailbiter (for the last 3 innings at least) to a 3-1 pitcher's duel nailbiter in the span of 24 hours. Pedro looked very good last night - a lot of movement on the fastball and some of those backdoor breaking balls were filthy. However, the hero of the night has to be Jon "Fat" Lieber. Just a great performance, keeping the Red Sox offense muted for 7 innings (just 3 hits). Also, a tip of the batting helmet to Jon Olerud, who hit the huge home run off Pedro, allowing me to both praise him and tell the terrific Olerud/Ricky Henderson story. Olerud and Henderson played together on the Blue Jays and Mets. When Ricky joined the Mariners in 2000 (Olerud was there by now), he asked Olerud why he wore a helmet in the field. Olerud explained that he had a head injury in college and that if he got hit in the head again, it could kill him. Ricky's classic response was, "Oh, I had a teammate on the Mets who wore a helmet just like that." I would've paid a lot of money to see the look on Olerud's face at that exact moment.

Some serious pressure on Brandon Arroyo tomorrow night. Hey, Kevin Brown, try not to be a huge douchebag. Oh yeah, the NLCS - boy is that Cardinals lineup impressive. I think that about covers it.

Breakfast with Yao Ming

Nice waking up to Yao on the tube. As a bonus, Yao was served with a big bowl of hyperbole from your favorite and mine, Bill Walton. Just seconds after saying that there are no superlatives to describe Yao playing at home, Walton ripped off three extremely long sentences of superlatives and hyperbole. It was tremendous.

I'll get to Game 2 (and even a dash of NLCS Game 1 - Was that a Kiko Calero sighting?) later this morning. I need more coffee.

Hidden gems in last week's Sports Illustrated

After reading last week's SI from cover-to-cover on Satan Air (see post below), I thought my reader(s) might enjoy these quotes (NFL defensive backs sure are a funny lot):

Baltimore Ravens cornerback Gary Baxter, on Washington, DC - "The funniest thing about D.C. is when I see the nation's Capitol. When you're growing up, you see it on money, and then when you see it in person, it kind of trips you out." I couldn't have said it better myself Gary.

Oakland Raiders cornerback Ray Buchanan, on his favorite off-day activity - "I love bowling. I average, like, 180. On Tuesdays during the season I get my brothers and go roll." Word of advice Ray, when you're out at the lanes, don't fuck with the Jesus.

What a way to start...

By Game 4, I will have gnawed my fingernails all the way to the bone and had a heart attack (the heart attack will most likely be non-baseball related, as my diet and exercise regimen leave something to be desired). Thanks to Air Panama (or Big Stein's private jet) for getting Mr. Rivera to the ballpark in time to prevent the greatest comeback in LCS history (in case you missed the graphic flashed multiple times, 75 years ago last night the Philadelphia A's came back from 8 down, or something like that). Tim McCarver seems to be a big fan of Red Sox starter Brandon Arroyo, who happens to go by the name Bronson Arroyo, but who's keeping track really. SportsGuy made an error in his column the other day - Trot Nixon and Hideki Matsui do not cancel each other out (especially with Nixon coming off another injury). Offensively, the leather-faced Matsui continues to provide run-producing hit after run-producing hit (and not just last night). Now, he has some adventures in the outfield (it was a tough ball, but he should've made that catch last night), but he's good enough to have played CF alot of last year while Bernie Williams tried to climb out of his deep, wet grave. Ah, Bernie, literally on his last legs, came through huge again last night. I remember when he was viewed as the third best member of the Albany-Colonie Yankees outfield, behind Gerald Williams and Hensley "Bam Bam" Meulens. Game 2 in less than 10 hours, and I've already lost all focus at work (not a surprise there really).

Is Jimy Williams busy?

Boy are the Phillies gonna suck again:
The Phillies will interview Don Baylor today, Charlie Manuel tomorrow and Grady Little on Thursday. -- Philadelphia Inquirer

Game On Wayne...Game On Garth

It's less than 12 hours away. I don't think I can make it through this long miserable work day. This is gonna be fantastic (or horrific, I'll get back to you tomorrow).

In totally unrelated news, perhaps Opie and Anthony have morphed "Sex for Sam" into "Sex for Santa Anna"?
SAN ANTONIO -- Tourists at the Alamo saw something besides historical exhibits at the shrine of Texas independence. A couple who witnesses say were having sex Sunday at the downtown mission landed in jail, according to police.
An Alamo security officer caught the two having sexual intercourse near a public viewing area about 5:30 p.m., a police report stated.

Not that you care, but come on, Ken Caminiti's death from a "heart attack" is about as accurate as Rick James' death from "natural causes."

OK, Superman is dead, and I've been debating how to go about this. Who knew that hairy beast Robin Williams would provide the answer - "Williams was one of the few who could joke about Reeves tragic injuries in public. 'Bid 5,000 dollars and see him move his leg!' Williams once said at a fundraising event in 2002 for Reeve's foundation for the paralysed."
Well, if uber-comic Robin Williams can do it, why can't a no-talent hack like myself? (And yes, I do indeed have my ticket to Hell already purchased, and I fully expect to be struck by lightning, or a bus, or both, on my way out of work today)
Q: What's black and sits on top of the stairs?
A: Christopher Reeve after a fire.
I will go await God's wrath.

Moose, who's butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?

Now that was a fantastic W tonight. Bring on the "band of idiots". Mini-Rob, I hope to see you over on Gheorghe this week (I know, height jokes are played out, but hell, it's gonna happen).

Stop, Lima Time... Every time you see me, The Lima's just so hype, I'm dope on the mound and I'm magic on the mic...

OK, so I meant to write this last week, but once again Marshall Mathers has a huge hit on his hand. Let's ignore huge Eminem fan Corey Simspon's dislike for the track and recognize that "Just Lose It" will again be a smash. I mean, seriously, this guy samples Pee Wee Herman's laugh as his hook, and it's gonna be a bonafide smash. Extremely impressive.

Finally, Happy Birthday today to my BetterHalf. I mean, you would think dating me is a gift onto itself, but just in case, we'll be SuperSizing it tonight. Seacrest out.

Putana Da Seatbeltz

Wow, I will never make fun of Southwest Airlines again after the high quality service American Airlines just provided. That is one happy, efficient, and functional crew you've put together American (I apologize if the sarcasm is leaking onto your keyboard). Next time, just kick me in the groin and jam my head in the toilet before take off - the flight would be 100 times better.

Is it OK if I shoot the guy from work in the face who started three sentences (THREE) in a row with "At the end of the day..."? You know what buddy, I'm thinking today I'm just gonna work "inside the box", if that's OK with you - just me, inside the box, not feeling real adventurous, not going anywhere (This is a small glimpse into what I actually think about when I'm supposed to be listening to people talk. I mean, I would've listened, if he hadn't sucked so much).

Juan Pierre apparently played every inning of every game this year. And for what? All he really wanted was a fifteen cent sip of soda and just one rib.

Currently Yankees 8, Twins 1 through 8. Kevin Brown is taking baby steps away from Douchebag of the Year.

Well, I wouldn't exactly say I've been missing it, Bob

If someone brought their dog to work, you would think that person insane, yes? A dog, at your place of work. And we're not talking about Ray Charles here people, sight is not an issue. I say bringing your dog to work is absolutely ridiculous, however not all disagree. Discuss.

Milton Bradley apparently called a reporter "Uncle Tom" in the clubhouse the other day. Which begs the question, when did Ahmad Rashad become a beat writer for the Dodgers?

Jamal Lewis would not be serving time for facilitating a drug deal if he had my Sprint PCS phone. That call would've been dropped 4 or 5 times. Osama Bin Laden gets better service in his cave.

So this is what commercials are for...

VH1's "And You Don't Stop: 30 Years Of Hip Hop" - A very entertaining documentary that's been on every night this week. Someone tell Ice T his role on "Law and Order: SVU" makes it a bit hard to take his talk of "straight pimping" seriously (I did however enjoy his work back in the day in "Ricochet").

"Repo Men: Stealing for a Living" - I can't even figure out what channel this show is on, but if you flip by it, stop. Let's just say most people are nonplussed to have repo men appear in their doorway. Hilarity ensues.

First rate crap - Queen Latifah is being profiled on "60 Minutes" this week. No truth to the rumor that Ed Bradley will strangle her with piano wire for her role in "Taxi".

"Roy's the man, Going to work, Got attacked, By a tiger...

Roy...Roy, Roy, Roy..."

The good kind of exhaustion

Having to wake up at 5:30am for work doesn't usually lend itself to late night television viewing, but when it's playoff baseball time the gloves are off. Mariano Rivera managed to blow only his third postseason save ever, dragging the game out well past the 4 hour mark, and Tanyon Sturtz (worst name ever?) gets saved from a Bronx lynching by Alex Rodriguez. Ron Gardenhire stuck with Nathan a batter too long (even Joe Corcoran doesn't throw eight balls in a row...oh wait...). I was impressed with Rodriguez last night, clutch when they needed it. Time for the Yanks to steal one in the dome, and than let's see what happens against Johan in a Game 5. I can barely function today, so go read Jerry's handywork over at the Wheelhouse (especially if you hate the Yankees, as most do). (EDITOR: This sentence should be revised to read, "...if you hate the Yankees, as all people with souls do." That is all. Please carry on.)

Since when do I have an editor? Aren't editors for real writers? Is this diminutive "editor" gonna pay me for writing this nonsense? And how the hell did this "editor" get the text stuck on italics?

Oh yeah, one last thing, I realize the guy is a Hall of Fame second baseman, but Joe Morgan is ABSOLUTELY KILLING ME. By inning 4 I just wanted to pummel him over the head with that worn copy of "The Big Book of Baseball Cliches" he kept using. Terrible.

A moment of silence please

for the death of a comedic legend. Rodney Dangerfield, best known as millionaire developer Al Czervik, died Tuesday at the age of 82. Rodney, you will be sorely missed (well, not really, because Comedy Central is determined to show Back to School more times than Joe Dirt).

"Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though."

Morning Latte, with Tom Wilkins and Cass Van Rye

Excellent work by the Angries last night, a doubleheader sweep of some excitable old men and a creepy goggle-wearing pitcher. A tip of the cap to Team MVP Swint, who took one for the team and got me home, in time to watch the 8th and 9th innings of Game 1 no less. So the Yanks lose another Game 1 (8 of the last 11 if you trust the Fox stat guys) - not a huge deal really with Santana being the best pitcher in the AL this year. Superb defensive effort by the Twinkies last night - 5 double plays (Bernie Williams, Rally Killer). That many double plays and you expect to be listening to Cerphe spin records on Classic Rock 94.7's "Two for Tuesdays". Jon Lieber vs. Brad Radke tonight, time for the bats to awaken from their slumber - perhaps Sheff has a little of that BALCO hand lotion left.

Time for some Fall Ball

And I don't just mean exciting Angries action (first pitch 8:30 at lovely "Don't Call Me" Shirley Park). Good to see Odalis Perez and Jarrod Washburn bring their F- - games. Mike Mussina, let's show a little life out there tonight.

Oh no, even The Blue Oyster?

I didn't see this one coming:

Leaders of the District's homosexual community say they will use their political clout to save a homosexual nightclub mecca that is likely to be razed to make room for a Major League Baseball stadium in Southeast.
"The most gay commercial strip in D.C. is going to be wiped out, and [Mr. Williams] doesn't say anything about that. It's like a fly swatter coming down and — boom — we are gone."

Did they just quote Agador Spartacus?