"Can I get an AMEN from the bobbleheads?"

Special thanks to Dennis for the newest bobblehead in the GTB collection, Mr. Jhonny Peralta of the Cleveland Indians (sadly, Michael was hosed and did not receive a free souvenir bobblehead from the friendly Indians employee working the gates). Jhonny* (not a typo, the "h" is actually in the right spot) joins Khalil Greene and Darrell Green in the most diverse and useless bobblehead collection around...

*According to Wikipedia, the unusual spelling of Jhonny's first name can be attributed to a clerical error on his birth certificate. A clerical error he refuses to have changed.

Do Not Pitch to this Man...Ever

"Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house..."

On the Road with Dennis and Michael

The Charles Kuralt and Jack Kerouac of this blogosphere are blissfully gallivanting from major league stadium to major league stadium, so I figured the GTB homebase (re: my tiny ass cube) should at least attempt to recap their (mis)adventures in this space...the following is pieced together from text and voice messages as well as a little something I like to call poetic license...

Cleveland - Saturday, July 22
Jerry "The King" Lawler throws out the first pitch. I don't know about you, but I couldn't think of a better way to start a trip of this nature. Travis Hafner then proceeds to pummel Lawler with a 2x4 behind the mound. The Tribe destroy the Twins 11-0, which is pretty amazing given that it's Minnesota's only loss in their last 13 games. Up and coming rookie Jeremy "Golden" Sowers gets the W for Cleveland and hunky Grady Sizemore (huh?) leads the offensive attack. Dennis informs me via text he's downed a sausage (presumably not Michael's) and 4 beers by the 2nd inning. The boys end the night perusing the "Ladies of Rock" exhibit at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Cincinnati - Sunday, July 23
Dennis and Michael hit the Queen City next, with "Mill-e-wah-que" in town. The Reds manage to lose to Tomo Ohka ("What's he, like 45? I could hit him") and the Brew Crew 4-1. However, in a strange twist of fate, Dennis gets to see GTB fav Danny Knob return to his role as Brewers closer...with Derrick Turnbow immediately being sent down to Fraggle Rock. The fellas finish the night downing brews with two local DJs who go by the names Dr. Johnny Fever and Venus Fly Trap.

Chicago (White Sox) - Monday, July 25 (I think...could've been Tuesday's game)
Michael informs me via text they have seats right behind the White Sox bullpen. I inform Michael he needs to immediately start tossing pieces of hot dog at the svelte Bobby Jenks. I guess it doesn't matter whether they were at Monday or Tuesday's game, because Chicago managed to blow both of them, and is in complete freefall right now. The impending Ozzie Guillen explosion is going to be AWESOME. Lance Bass better watch out. After being overserved, Dennis and Michael storm the field, perform the "Dance of Joy" in CF (much to Jermaine Dye's delight), and manage to escape before security can treat them like the second coming of the esteemed Ligue Dynasty.

Milwaukee - Wednesday, July 26
Pittsburgh, an unbelievable 12-40 on the road coming in, manages to beat Chris Capuano and the Brewers 8-4 (Jason Bay, who is fucking awesome, leads the way for the Pirates). Dennis manages to punch Bud Selig in the face. Somehow during the game the boys run into friends of a guy we once knew, "Noonan", otherwise known as Joyner's gay lover. I will definitely need alot more than a three word text message to explain that one. Much to the chagrin of Dennis' wife, the boys end the evening on a double-date at Pizza Bowl with two chicks from the bottling plant down the street.

I have no clue what the next game on the slate is...it might be Cubs/Cards today...all I know is I'm jealous...

GTB's "This Day in History"

July 26, 1991 - In sleepy Sarasota, FL, Paul Reubens gets busted for working his little man during the Oscar-winning flick "Nurse Nancy". The film, starring screen legends Sandra Scream and Peter North, is apparently so good Pee-Wee Herman (as he's known to a legion of kids raised by him and his Playhouse pals) can't help but celebrate the film's excellence by rubbing one out...making him an international punchline overnight. God bless ya Pee Wee, the supply of jokes was endless...a sampling from the way-back machine:

Did you hear that Pee-Wee declined representation?
He figures he can get himself off

Do you know who Pee-Wee's insurance company is?
All-State, the good-hands people

Did you hear about the new Pee-Wee Herman doll?
It pulls its own string

So endeth our first installment of "This Day in History". We'll be back soon enough with all our N.A.S.A and Joey Buttafuocco jokes. And perhaps even an update from "Dennis and Michael's Excellent Adventure". Oh yeah, Happy Independence Day to all you Liberians out there...

Coming Soon To Theatres Everywhere...

One fat guy, one skinny guy, one fuel-efficient roadster, 5 baseball stadiums...what started as a simple road trip for the summer, ended as a spiritual journey for life...

Dennis and Michael Jack begin the magical misery tour tomorrow morning bright and early...wish us luck. Here's hoping we manage to not only capture the sights and sounds of the nation's past time, as seen through the eyes of the Heartland, but also perhaps the world-record for drunk text/voice messages sent in a 7 day period.

Likely progression of events:

1)....

2)...

3)...

4)...

5)...

6)...

Hear No Drivel, Read No Drivel, Speak No Drivel

Humor is never quite as free-flowing and funny as when things aren't going well. (See the dearth of good comedy at Misery Loves Company these days for an example.)

Last night's Yankees-Mariners game featured a blown call at first base in the ninth inning that enabled the Yankes to come back and win. Horrible call, in fact. And the Seattle fans were up in arms, with angry blurts like:

"Toughest five outs in baseball are the bottom of the 9th in Yankee Stadium."

"Was that the ref from the Super Bowl?"

And this image (and the play wasn't nearly this close).

Unfortunately, laughing at the poor M's fans didn't offset my nausea that the YES booth induced. Ugh. Upon seeing the replay of the botched call -- and trust me, even live action was obvious -- Jim Kaat remarked that it "definitely was a tie." Unfortunately for Kaat, the timing was such that a half-second after he said it, another replay -- slowed down and zoomed in -- showed Jorge Posada's cleat a good three feet from the bag when the ball reached Richie Sexson's mitt. It was a huge deal that the broadcast team then acknowledged, in two seconds of garbled stammer, that the ump had blown the call; then they immediately moved on to praise the Yankees' heroics for playing ball in the rain, never to mention this transgression again.

Of course, the Yankees came back and won. They're a better team and should be given credit. In fact, they're good enough on their own merit and don't need a trio of propagandizers to inflate their legacy. The New York Yankees have been doing this a while now. I think it's time to push them out of the nest and let them stand on their own 50 feet, guys. They don't need your fact-skewing, rah-rah reminders, and blind homerism any more.

Oh, nor the drippy melodrama. Michael Kay's call as Melky Cabrera closed out the game with a big fly:

". . . and a child shall lead them . . ."

Nice booth for you, TJ.

"He was born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas day..."

Ponson wears his pot belly like a crown
He calls his child Jesus
'cause he likes the name
And he sends him to the finest franchise in town

Ponson, Ponson likes his money
He makes a lot they say
Spend his days counting
In a bullpen by the motorway

He was born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas day
When the New York Post said the Yanks are dead
And the wars begun
Brian Cashman has a son today

And he shall be Ponson
And he shall be a good man
And he shall be Ponson
In tradition with the family plan
And he shall be Ponson
And he shall be a good man
He shall be Ponson

Ponson throws cartoon sliders in town
His family business thrives
Jesus blows up balloons all day
Sits on the porch swing watching them fly

And Jesus, he wants to go to Venus
Leaving Ponson far behind
Take a balloon and go sailing
While Ponson, Ponson slowly dies...

You take the good, you take the bad...

You take them both, and there you have,
The NL West, The NL West...

Humor me this morning, and try to think of the National League West as the Eastland School for Young Women (trust me, this worked in my head...and some credit, or blame, for this post must be given to Whit)

San Diego Padres, 48-40
They won this atrocious division last year and they're leading this slightly less atrocious division at the All-Star Break, so by default the Padres step into Charlotte Rae's (smelly) shoes as the kind and understanding Mrs. Garrett. The rest of the division looks up to these guys (literally), despite their obvious offensive deficiencies, and when the Giants are about to have their Eastland scholarship revoked, who do you think they turn to? That's right, the always-there-for you Padres. Despite whatever I say in the next few paragraphs, my pick to win the NL West is still the Padres, but it sure ain't because they hit the ball well. The pitching staff is first in the National League in ERA, Shutouts and Batting Average Against. That's a recipe for success. You could fill out a lineup card with 9 Rick Allens and still manage back-to-back division titles.

[All-Star Game Observation #1 - Nice of Cousin Eddie to lend Alex Rodriguez his shoes for the game.]

Los Angeles Dodgers, 46-42, 2 GB
This one is WAY too easy. Let's see...wealthy, attractive and spoiled - hmmm, no doubt the Dodgers bump Lisa Whelchel and play Blair Warner in the 2007 Lifetime Channel "Fats of Life" Reunion Special. It's not mentioned too often, because folks are often blinded by the Yankees $200 million payroll, but the Dodgers dropped $100 million on this team...and for that they get a team 4 games above .500 in a piss-poor division? If you ask me that's a travesty. No matter how many runs Nomar Hamm and the lineup post, there is no chance a pitching staff running Aaron Sele and Mark Hendrickson out there is going to win a division. And let's not even get into their terrible fan base...

Colorado Rockies, 44-43, 3.5 GB
Ah yes, the upstart Rockies, still relatively new to the division...plump and impressionable, but sneaky impressive, just like Natalie Green (Mindy Cohn). The young Rockies hitters certainly do gobble up pitching the way Natalie did cupcakes, but much like that wide load there is too much extra baggage for the Rocks to make the leap this year. HOWEVAH, you keep this nucleus of Matt Holliday, Brad Hawpe, Garrett Atkins and even Clint Barmes together for a few years, toss in a few more arms like Jason Jennings and Jeff Francis who can handle pitching in Colorado, and you're looking at the (ice) cream of the crop in the '08 NL West.

[All-Star Game Observation #2 - Brian Fuentes has a face that would make Seal blush, if Seal can even blush.]

San Francisco Giants, 45-44, 3.5 GB
I'm letting the Giants play Jo Polniaczek because of the amazing similarities between Nancy McKeon's character and Mr. Barry Bonds...namely the "maintaining a tough exterior to hide insecurities" part. And, of course, by insecurities I mean "rampant steroid use". But, unlike Jo, who managed bigger and better things after Eastland (Langley College), Barry Bonds is going down, and soon, and he's taking his whole team with him. You think things got ugly with Jason Grimsley and the Diamondbacks (more on that in a moment), just wait until the Bonds shit hits the fans. Any chance we can bring "Bonds on Bonds" back for a series (re: career) finale?

[All-Star Game Observation #3 - Derrick Turnbow is most definitely a Jim Henson creation, perhaps from the Dark Crystal days.]

Arizona Diamondbacks, 43-45, 5 GB
The Diamondbacks get to don some rollerskates and take on Kim Fields' role of Dorothy "Tootie" Ramsey, mainly because she was the show's resident gossip, and Jason Grimsley easily surpassed any damage Tootie's loose lips might've caused Mrs. Garrett and the girls. Formerly the division leader, Grimsley's affidavit torpedoed an otherwise surprising run to the playoffs for Arizona. And you know some of the guys left in that clubhouse are praying those names don't get released...Hi Luis! The best reality show on TV this summer won't be "America's Got Talent" - it's going to be the circus surrounding the bottom-feeding Giants and Diamondbacks as the steroid saga (finally) publicly destroys several big-time baseball players. And I'll be watching.

There's a time you gotta go and show, You're growin' now,
You know about The NL West, the NL West...

My Friday Gift to You

Work got in the way of anything decent coming your way, so instead enjoy this piece of comedic genius...

"Um, I've got some spoilers. Who wants to hear a spoiler? Here's a spoiler: You will die alone."

"Follow me...follow me to freedom!"

Possibly the second greatest SportsCenter commercial of all time, Charley Steiner's famous line seemed like an appropriate title for this post, which is a very long-winded way of saying Happy Independence Day America (fuck yeah!). Since I am stuck at work with several other mindless drones today (it's so miserable I can't even describe it), I have of course been trying to come up with the perfect "Happy 4th of July" post/picture. Pasted below are the two best I could come up with...needless to say, it's been a looooong day...

GOD BLESS AMERICA

AND ITS OBVIOUS COMPLEMENT (SPECIAL THANKS TO THE BLACK CROWES)

OK, now that we have sufficiently recovered from the Savage Garden above, GTB would like to thank NL All-Star manager Phil Garner for recognizing the talent of our boy Dan Uggla, who was named as a reserve to the All-Star team yesterday. GTB and the entire Uggla family will be sending Mr. Garner a Hickory Farms sausage and cheese basket as thanks. As for the rest of this All-Star game talk...enough already. It's only been half a day, and I am already sick of the "snub" discussion...can't we talk about this ridiculous catch by Gary Matthews Jr. instead?

I guess it was only a matter of time

Well, according to multiple sources, the guy who pulled back the curtain (much to Bud Selig's chagrin) on the Steroid Era in baseball will be returning to the diamond. That's right, Surreal Life 5 star (oh yeah, and 1988 AL MVP) Jose Canseco has signed a deal with the San Diego Surf Dawgs of the Golden Baseball League (the other famous Surf Dawg alum - Ricky Henderson). Fittingly, he'll make his debut Monday night against the Chico Outlaws.

My favorite part of this ridiuclous publicity stunt: Canseco will not just DH (fielding is absolutely out of the question) for the Surf Dawgs - he plans to pitch, or as the news release says, he "will showcase his knuckleball as a member of the team's pitching staff." That should go swimmingly.

Just so everyone can have a good chuckle, let's all remember back to the one and only time Canseco pitched in the bigs. He pitched the last inning of a Rangers blow-out loss to the Red Sox in May of 1993, walking the bases loaded and allowing three runs. And the kicker, if I remember correctly, is he destroyed his arm for good that day...though in retrospect maybe his arm fell apart for entirely different (STEROIDS) reasons (STEROIDS).

Happy NBA Draft from GTB

"...and with the 30th pick in the 1993 NBA Draft, the Washington Bullets take Gheorghe Muresan, Cluj University..."

"And now back to A&E's Biography, Twinkee the Kid"

"It was difficult for Twink to play with other children...He was different..."

Proving that no food combinations are too gross for the American public, apparently there is a new Twinkies Cookbook on the market. Yep, you read that right...for $12.95 you too can own 50 recipes utilizing America's favorite cream-filled sponge cake (no, not David Wells).

Some of my favorites:
- Twinkie Burrito
- Twinkie Lasagna
- Deep-fried Twinkies (winner)
- Twinkie Cheesecake
- Twinkie-Misu
- Twinkie Pancakes
- Twinkie Milkshake (a Twinkie and chocolate milk in a blender...relatively lame)
- Twinkie Sushi (someone want to explain this one to me? That sounds atrocious)

I'll leave you with this...there is only one remaining Twinkie factory. It's in Chicago. You know how many god damn Twinkies it still makes? 500 million a year.

Oh yeah, vote for Dan Uggla, All-Star...

The Good, the Bad...and the Uggla

With the NBA and NHL Finals behind us, and the MLB All-Star Game fast approaching, I thought it only appropriate to talk a little baseball today...

THE GOOD
The Detroit Tigers - Do you realize these guys are now 27 games over .500? They lead baseball with 52 wins already...three years ago they won a TOTAL of 43 games. They're the best road team in the majors. They havethe best ERA in the AL by over half a run. The Tigers staff has a league-leading 9 shutouts already. The Tigers?? Fucking incredible. They have a chain-smoking curmudgeon for a manager, a 1B who looks partially retarded, three OFs who could be the exact same guy as far as I'm concerned, a gay catcher and a rookie in the bullpen who throws 100 mph (with ease). How can you not root for these guys?

The New York Mets - I can't point out the best story in the AL without tipping my cap to the best team in the NL (by far). There is not much more I can write that Jerry or Whit haven't touched on so far this year, but let me just say that watching Jose Reyes run the bases almost seems like a once in a generation thing. He moves with Speedy Gonzalez ease around the bases, and it doesn't hurt that the kid's hitting .500 over the last two weeks. I am also ecstatic that someone, finally, is pummeling the Braves into submission in the NL East. The '94 Expos tip their caps to the '06 Mets.

The Kansas City Royals(?) - Yep, it's time I cut them some slack. When you suck this bad (I mean, Doug Mientkiewicz occasionally hits clean up for these guys) and can still win 6 out of 7 and 8 out of 11, I will stop referring to you as the Kansas City Poop. Plus, their dismantling of the Pirates last week means that despite the Royals still having the worst record in baseball (24-50), the Pirates (26-51) are actually a worse team. Get over it Pittsburgh - you at least have the All Star game this year. You don't give up 31 runs to the Royals over 3 games and pretend to be better than KC.

THE BAD
The Pittsburgh Pirates - I think we just covered these donkeys. Second worst team ERA in the NL and highest batting average against. I could've easily told you that as I've had not one, not two, but three Pittsburgh starters on my NL-only fantasy team (Ian Snell, Oliver Perez, Paul Maholm). Is there any doubt why I am in dead last, 40 points behind the league leader? The only thing Pittsburgh has going for it is Jason Bay, and with their luck, he'll get knocked unconscious by a foul ball during BP one of these days.

The St. Louis Cardinals pitching staff - Wow, for a team ten games above .500, this is one terrible collection of arms (can they really be the 2nd best team in the NL?). The Cards have lost 7 straight games and have been outscored 65-28 during that span. Jason Marquis, way to single-handedly destroy my fantasy teams ERA and WHIP in your last two starts (of course he joins the Pittsburgh triumvirate mentioned above, making this the worst rotation in the history of fantasy baseball). Mark Mulder at least gets a breather by going on the DL. Their closer, Jason Isringhausen, is contractually obligated to walk two hitters every appearance. I mean, Sidney Ponson is still making starts for St. Louis...Sidney Ponson.

Jay Mariotti, Ozzie Guillen, Barry Bonds, John Rocker - I don't like even mentioning these clowns...can we get them off the damn sports pages please? Go take a long walk off a short pier fellas. No one gives a shit.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...DANNY UGGLA
He of course would be the Florida Marlins rookie 2B and a huge favorite of TJ/Dennis/Jerry. Sure, maybe we only liked him at first because of the funny name (well, at least I did), but now we love him because the kid's damn good. He's a tad banged up right now, but should have his .313 avg (good for 9th best in the NL) back in the lineup any day now. Danny leads all NL 2B in batting average, slugging percentage and OPS. He's second in HRs and RBI. Pretty damn impressive for a 26 year old rookie who toiled in the minors for the last 5 years, if you ask me. Of course, the general public doesn't have a clue who he is (the fact he plays in front of 7,000 a night can't help), given he can't even crack the top 5 in All-Star voting. Why don't we try to help the guy out and get him to Pittsburgh for the big game...vote early and vote often people.

T...G...I...F

And what a wonderful Friday it is. Just when the last day of the work week wants to bend you over and treat you like an extra on Oz, the Starbucks downstairs opens...and I mainline a venti coffee while listening to the Will Smith classic "Summertime". Wired? Yeah, I'd say that...anyhoo, this is really just a way to work in my favorite commercial of the last 12 months, the "Glen" Starbucks ad. As an added bonus this morning, GTB's favorite Chicago bond trader emailed us this video...I am speechless. Enjoy.

"Glen's the man, Going to work, Got his tie, Got ambition..."

A Remake I'd See

"In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team."

Bob Huggins (Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith) - Couldn't find the BAC, so let's try this instead: "Slurred speech. Watery eyes. Staggered from car. Didn't complete a Breathalyzer. Failed field sobriety tests. Vomit on the driver's side door." That my friends is leadership defined..much like George Peppard as Hannibal, Huggy is a true leader of men and a role model (just ask protege assistant Keith LeGree). Both master tacticians, Coach Huggins is also know to do his best work while "on the jazz", and he was often heard telling Nickie Van Poo Poo after games "I love it when a plan comes together." His wacky plans are sure to work at Kansas State (and the disguises will come in handy when they go 6-20), especially his affinity for the pincer movement. Watch out Big 12! Hell, I even think Hannibal's fashion sense fits Huggins perfectly.

Eddie Sutton (Captain "Howlin' Mad" Murdock) - 0.22 BAC, three times the legal limit. Well done sir. Much like Murdock, I consider Coach Sutton simply crazy...I mean, the guy was having envelopes full of cash delivered to recruits. However, there is that part of me that wonders if Sutton, like Dwight Schultz, just has us all played for fools. Is he a 69 year old drunk head coach, or a sober genius pretending to be drunk so he didn't have to coach basketball black hole JamesOn Curry? (look at the name! come on!) And much like Murdock's renowned flying ability, Sutton can operate any and all vehicles while three sheets to the wind. It's well-documented.

JJ Redick (Lieutenant Templeton "Face" Peck) - 0.11 BAC. JJ Redick? Seriously, wow. Redick apparently found time away from pole smoking and poem writing to throw back a few Tecatas and blow that 0.11. Face was the A-Team's pretty boy...and always the worst in the fight sequences. Great with the ladies, terrible pansy otherwise. Sounds like JJ to me. Christ, even George Peppard was kicking more ass. You know what, Dirk Benedict should be upset about this...Redick is doing his character a disservice (well, that is until JJ pulls a bigger con than Face ever imagined - getting some stupid NBA GM to make him a lottery pick).

Chris Henry (Sergeant Bosco "B.A." Baracus) - 0.09 BAC. Not too shabby, but then let's tack on the gun charge, the weed charge and the latest efforts to out-Vick Marcus Vick (all in the last 7 months I believe). Perhaps he should've invited JJ over to urinate on the ladies? Bad Attitude seems way too kind of a nickname for this kid. Rumor was Marvin Lewis had to sedate him before team flights ("I die before I fly")...or was the rumor that he perhaps self-medicated with Chaz and T.J. Housh prior to flying? Moving on...Henry can often be overheard calling Sutton "a crazy fool."

Bonus Associates:
Erin Lashnits (aka the chick who played the Stanford Tree) (Amy Allen) - 0.15 BAC. Young Ms. Lashnits will play the role of Amy Allen, the newspaper reporter that followed the A-Team around (annoyingly) in Seasons 1 and 2 (I know, a little too geeky there...even geekier? She worked for the L.A. Courier). Erin impressed casting directors with her ability to be tossed from a Stanford basketball game for being hammered, all while wearing the big, goofy tree mascot outfit.

Esteban Loaiza (Frankie "Dishpan" Santana) - I couldn't find the BAC, but 120 mph at 3:30 in the morning? Yep. Definitely shitfaced. A late edition to this contrived post, Loaiza doesn't really belong, but then again, neither did Dishpan Santana. He was tacked on as the "fifth" A-Team member in Season 5, and he never really managed to fit in. In fact, let's pretend this never happened (much like Billy Beane wishes he never dropped $21 mil on Loaiza).

This is "offensive"? Really?

Watch out, those feathers will fuck you up. Yep, unbeknownst to me, the NCAA in mid-May added my alma mater to a list of eight offenders banned from displaying its logo at NCAA functions because it is "hostile" or "offensive". It's two fucking feathers. Myles Brand has his head so far up his ass I'm shocked he doesn't suffocate. This guy couldn't manage a Long John Silver's. I'm honestly not sure who the bigger dumbass is, Brand or Bud Selig? Props to William and Mary Prez Gene Nichol, who stated what we've been saying for years about Brand and the felchers at the NCAA...their decisions "are neither comprehensible nor capable of being sensibly defended."

With all apologies to the fine gents at Fire Joe Morgan…

...I simply could not in good conscience let this slide. Maybe it’s the fact I’m still in my office right now, maybe it’s the lack of anything good to read on the interweb today, but I find myself compelled to pick on the functionally retarded “work” of ESPN.com’s John Kruk:

THOSE ENIGMATIC REDS

There is absolutely no chance in hell John Kruk knows what “enigmatic” means, let alone how to spell it. He definitely shakes down Tim Kurkjian in the hallways for snappy columnette titles.

Right now the Reds are one of the hottest teams in baseball, and it's extremely hard to pinpoint why that is after poring over their stats.

Ok, John, since you're too lazy to click a mouse, let me give it a shot – THEY’RE SECOND IN THE NL IN RUNS SCORED. SECOND IN OBP. SECOND IN SLUGGING % AND FIRST IN OPS. What in god’s name are you talking about, fat man? And wait a second, he spelled pouring wrong…good god... [EDITOR'S NOTE: I spelled it wrong...Kruk's assistant spelled it right. But he's still a moron.]

They are one of the worst defensive teams in the league, they don't pitch particularly well and they strike out too much. That isn't the normal recipe for success in baseball.

Hey JACKASS! Yes, you. 7th in the league in ERA, 6th in WHIP, FIRST in K/BB and, most importantly, FIRST in Wins. When my staff includes such luminaries as Aaron Harang, “Hector” Elizardo Ramirez and Eric Milton, I’d say the numbers above are pretty impressive.

Somehow this team has been able to thrive without any of the normal ingredients for a great season. The Reds have a lot of power in their lineup and can hit the ball out of the park from anywhere in their lineup. Heck, even Bronson Arroyo has a couple dingers this season. Cincy's pitching staff understands what it needs to do to win games. They know they can give up five runs and still get a W because the offense is capable of putting up eight or nine runs.

Well, let’s see. They’re a run-scoring juggernaut who adequately holds the opposition in check...seems like a successful strategy to me.

This team plays with confidence. Every time they step on the field, they believe they are going to win. They smartly imported a couple of veterans who'd been in winning situations before, such as Rich Aurilia, Scott Hatteberg and Eric Milton. Those are guys who've been in the playoffs and know what sacrifices it takes to get there.

I know what he's going for here, but when I think veteran leaders with solid playoff experience I don't think Rich Aurilia (13 postseason games), Scott Hatteberg (14 postseason games) and Eric Milton (started 2 games in the postseason).

If this team keeps up its unorthodox, winning ways, we could see those three veterans in another postseason series.

Thanks, great finish. Can't wait to see those donkeys in October.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Happy Armageddon

"It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine"

Wasn't Wite-Out invited by Monkee Mike Nesmith's mom?

I was all set to make a triumphant return with useless baseball rants (I mean, the Royals? What a debacle) and the traditional oddball news story (Exhibit A your honor), but then I became transfixed watching the Suns/Mavs track meet last night and I decided to go another route (I guess that made me a "Nowitzness"). For 3+ quarters that was a fantastic game, with the Mavs finally pulling away behind the superb play of one Dirk Nowitzki (50 and 12 last night)...and that's where our story begins. Watching Dirk last night, I realized he has already jumped onto one of the most (made up) prestigious lists in NBA history. What list you say? Well, since I am a racist S.O.B. (speaking of racism, if you haven't seen the South Park "Gingers" episode, do so immediately - perhaps the greatest work Cartman has ever done), you might guess where this is going. I started compiling in my head the greatest whiteys to ever grace the NBA hardwood (and I don't want to hear about Dirk being a European whitey rather than a homegrown whitey...he's still pale as a ghost and that gets him on this list) and I feel the Chancellor of the Charity Stripe debuts on the charts at #9, with some serious potential to climb into the Top 5 if his career path continues as it has. Enough rambling from me...GTB is now proud to present the

Top Ten Honkeys in NBA History* (you bet your ass this is a subjective list...just look at #10)

1. Larry Bird - Do I really need to go into any detail here?
2. Jerry West - Yep, the league based its logo on him, that's good enough for me. Though I'll never understand his last few drafts in Memphis.
3. John Havlicek - The first of four Celtics on this list. Too many you say? Get over it assface, I say.
4. Bill Bradley - Runs one helluva political campaign too.
5. George Mikan - I gotta throw the old guy a bone. Besides, who else has a practice drill named after them? As far as I can tell, it's just Mikan and Jimmy Suicide of the 82-83 San Diego Clippers.
6. John Stockton - Why is he above Cousy? Because I actually saw this guy play games, and don't have to catch all his higlights via Zapruder film.
7. Bob Cousy - Bonus points for his complete destruction of the English language during all Celts broadcasts.
8. Kevin McHale - Also makes the prestigious "Ugliest Guys in NBA History" list. Quite an achievement for Kev, but don't expect to see him on any "Best GMs in History" list.
9. Dirk Nowitzki - Sure, the Suns might not be able to guard Lumpless Gravy, but the guy still has been phenomenal in this series (minus Game 4) and the playoffs overall. Dirk Diggler is now the bigtymer he (and Mr. Nelson) always dreamed he could be. Cue the Night Ranger.
10. Gheorghe Muresan - Did you seriously think I would do this list without giving Big Gheorghe props? By the way, since I have been a deadbeat these last two weeks, I probably haven't mentioned that I now have an autographed photo of Gheorghe adorning my cube. Good times indeed.

*Apologies to: Dave DeBusschere, Chris Mullin, Pete Maravich
*A seatbelt and airbag to: Drazen Petrovic, Bobby Hurley
*A flaming bag of poop to: Greg Kite, Luc Longley, Jack Sikma, Tom Chambers (though he was awesome in NBA Jam), Vlade Divac, Dolph AND Danny Schayes
*A first class letter bomb to: Greg Ostertag, Raef LaFrentz

Your Western Conference Finals

Game on...

"This is AC I have OJ in the car."

Ah yes, good times, great oldies. Anyone that knows me just a little knows I have an unhealthy obession with the most guilty (acquitted) man in the history of the American justice system. Which means I am often the excited recipient of any OJ related links or sites that spring up on the interweb. Today, the Duke of Earls outdid himself by sending me this article from Yahoo News. Nevermind that it is beyond ridiculous that OJ got a reality show (aptly titled "Juiced")...I'm pretty sure we've discussed that in this space before, and had many a laugh. Just look at one of the zany bits OJ came up with for the show:

"In a scene from his new candid-camera program "Juiced," O.J. Simpson pulls a prank involving the infamous white Bronco...As part of the pay-per-view show, Simpson pretends to sell the Bronco at a used car lot and boasts to a prospective buyer that he made the vehicle famous..."

Shocker, Fred Goldman is not psyched about the guy who decapitated his son making light of it on some shit-ass pay-per-view reality show. However, if the Bronco bit isn't a ratings success, this murdering genius has plenty more hilarity where that came from:
- Juice disguised as an Elvis impersonator (probably singing "The Girl I Never Loved")
- Juice dressed like a vagabond selling oranges for money
- Juice pretending to be an elderly man leading a Bingo game
Each bit unfortunately ends with the slaughter of one white woman and one white man. Those scenes can only be seen on the "Juiced: Too Hot for PPV" DVD.

OJ, you never cease to amaze me. Keep up the good work...and here's hoping you catch those real killers anyday now.

How The Week Is Going

"I must be in the front roooow!"

***While popping in briefly, I must pay up my bet with one of GTB's most loyal readers and Chicago's newest resident...over multiple beverages and energy-laced tonics, I foolishly argued that Cush was absolutely not in the 1998 classic Can't Hardly Wait (Trip McNeely). I objected. I strenuously objected. But apparently that's not how it works. And thus I am here, admitting my (significant) error. Jerry O'Connell (Trip McNeely) was indeed in Can't Hardly Wait (Trip McNeely), and I can't believe I forgot it. I suck.

Gheorghe: The Blog Has a Blood Enemy

Have you no shame, sir? Have you no sense of the Gheorghian joy that the jolly Romanian brings to all he touches? May your anus be attacked by red army ants and your manparts be caught between Camryn Manheim and a buffet table.

In light of recent events...

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Cinco de Mayo a few days early (enjoy it folks, because unless Dennis has something for us, it's gonna be another sloooow week at GTB)...

"How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?"

We're bringing back a GTB Friday favorite today, a quick glance at the world of sports through the eyes of an 80's classic, Mel Brooks' Spaceballs (and to save Drew the effort of filling up the comments section, yes, this entire concept is stolen from Bill Simmons - my version is just much shorter and less funny)...

"Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower...the kids love this one"...but apparently not as much as folks love Duke Lacrosse merchandise. They can't keep the stuff on the shelves down in Durham - sales are 3 to 4 times the norm (it should be noted the apparel simply says "Duke Lacrosse" on it, and the women's team is #1 in the country, so that could be why people are buying it...ah, never mind, no one's buying that for a second) Seriously, how long before we see a Duke Lacrosse jersey in a rap video? In other news, local sporting goods store Dick's Sporting Goods is living up to its name by pulling all Duke Lacrosse merchandise...Greg Garber probably told them that was the proper thing to do.

"Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!"...UCLA sophomore guard Jordan Farmar has declared for the NBA Draft, but has wisely not hired an agent in case it doesn't quite work out the way he thought (he does have Yoghurt on speed dial for moral support). I saw some of Farmar this season, and unless I missed something, this seems like a bizarre move.

"I bet she gives great helmet"...I'm looking at you, Mrs. Jim Bowden...

"So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"...Actually, the Bowden family gets two this week, because there is no dumber GM out there, and yes, I'm including Allaird "Captain of the Titanic" Baird in Kansas City. No need for me to list Bowden's recent moves, espn.com did all the hard work for me. Is there any doubt this guy was loaded for the Brian Lawrence deal?

"Oh, my God. It's Mega Maid. She's gone from suck to blow"...I think that pretty much sums up Barry Bonds' season so far. And after mistakenly watching 30 seconds of that sycophant on that joke of a show of his, here's hoping it gets 10,000 times worse. And screw ESPN for airing that crap...I'd rather watch those lunatics on the paintball show.

"Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed"...Sloth Shelton would have been a perfect fit here, but I'd say we exhausted that topic the other day. You want ludicrous, how about Julio Franco hitting a HR last night at the ripe old age of 47. The Jack LaLanne of MLB is the oldest player to ever hit a HR, a record he is sure to break next year, and possibly in 2008 as well. As Mel Allen used to say, "How About That!"

"They've gone to plaid!"...I had a Rob Neyer joke in here somewhere, and the attempt was going to be some sort of Neyer-esque VORP or Win Shares breakdown (yikes, now it seems like I'm swiping from Whit too), but then I ate a huge turkey sandwich for lunch and threw in the towel. So, much like when you watch Sunday Night Baseball, you won't be getting any expert statistical analysis here.

"When will then be now? Soon"...The "then" in question is the Kansas City Poop being the worst team in the modern era of baseball. And it's coming alot sooner than you think...2-12 to start the year, 10 straight losses, and absolutely no end in sight. 46 runs scored on the year, 99 runs given up. Their opponents are hitting .305 on the year and slugging .508. This team is losing 120 games easy, and don't think for a second 130 losses is out of the question. GTB will be tracking two things all summer - the meteoric rise (and possible fall) of Sloth Shelton, and KC's Kwest for All-Time Ineptitude. Stay tuned.

"Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money"...A special tip of the cap to Allen Iverson and Chris Webber for showing up 5 minutes before tip-off the other night and not even sitting on the bench with their team, on what just happened to be fan appreciation night in Philly. This got very little press, because really, is anyone surprised by this type of behavior from pro athletes, especially these two? Still, maybe you should let the coach know ahead of time you planned to completely shirk your responsibilities. I have no love for Philadelphia or its fans, but it's still a dick move...

And finally, just for the hell of it...

"Man, we ain't found shit!"

"Ruth! Ruth! Baby! Ruth!"

I can't think of a better way to break the seal on the 2006 Major League baseball season...let's help all those poor bums in Detroit (I'm looking at you Dumbo Albom) find a REAL nickname for the breakout star of the 2006 season, Christoper Bob Shelton. No more of this "Big Red" or "Red Pop" or "Red Bull" nonsense (hell, a soccer team already stole the Red Bull name)...

How do we properly honor a guy who has already hit 9 home runs in his team's first 13 games, is batting .471 AND is slugging an astronomical 1.216 on the young season? (and yes, let's all completely ignore the fact some guy named Pujols is pretty much doing the exact same thing in the NL, and it's so routine for him people don't even flinch). This guy has 24 hits on the season, and 17 are for extra bases. He's had 8 mult-hit games already. His OBP is a Bondsian .500 (I promise, that's my only Bonds reference for awhile, because not only is he the worst human being on the face of the Earth, but he is also KILLING my NL-only fantasy team). OK, let me take my Rob Neyer hat off...on to the nickname...

Sometime last season, long before he became some hybrid Bob Hamelin/Dave Kingman HR-hitting machine, Baseball Tonight flashed Shelton's mug on the screen, and only one image flashed in my mind...think 1985 tale of misfits, desperately searching for "One-Eyed" Willy's lost treasure in order to save their parents house...think dark, dungy basement...think Rocky Road...that's right folks, stand and applaud if you want for the 2006 AL MVP, Chunk's best friend, and GTB's Athlete of the Week, Chris "Sloth" Shelton...

"Sloth love Leyland..."

"Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling..."

It should probably read, "Fuck it, Bus, let's go bowling..." In what should surprise no one, former Steelers running back and 400 pound behemoth Jerome Bettis is apparently a big time bowler...apparently the only requirement needed to be inducted into the celebrity wing of the Bowling Hall of Fame. Actually, those hoighty toighty bowlers call it the International Bowling Museum & Hall of Fame. My apologies to Dick Weber Jr.

In case you're a celebrity (who I guess googled your own name and ended up here...Drew Lachey, is that you?) and are hoping to gain entrance into this prestigious Institute, from what I can gather these are the criteria for admission**:
- Have an affinity for bowling
- Claim to have bowled your whole life
- Gain great pleasure and enjoyment from the sport

Don't believe me? Executive Director John Bergland on why Bettis was an easy choice as the first inductee:
"Two things. One, he's an outstanding bowler," Bergland said. "Number two, he has great passion for the sport and he regularly promotes it."

Hell, I took bowling for credit in college (and you wonder why the writing is so suspect), I enjoy any "sport" where beer drinking is prominently involved and I'm always trying to hit the lanes (just not on the Shabbos, Donny). Can I petition for a spot next to Jerome?

**OK, it does say in the article Bettis has bowled a 300 game and mantains a 200 average...maybe he is the perfect charter member, but facts don't usually jive well with my rambling (though I'm betting Tom Arnold or Andy Richter might be great choices as well)

Time circuits on...Flux Capacitor...fluxing...engine running...

Well, it's a shitty Friday outside, and I'm only here for a half-day, so I thought I'd provide you with the most riduclous story I've seen this week on the interweb. Apparently, a chiropractor in Columbus, Ohio claims he can treat anyone by "reaching back in time to when an injury occurred." I guess these crazy claims finally warranted the attention of the state's regulators, and the chiropractor in question, Dr. Emmet Brown, has some 'splaining to do. Below, the charges against him, and the good doc in his own words, because I couldn't even make shit this stupid up:

The Ohio State Chiropractic Board, in a notice of hearing, has accused James Burda of Athens of being "unable to practice chiropractic according to acceptable and prevailing standards of care due to mental illness, specifically, Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type." Burda denied that he is mentally ill. He said he possesses a skill he discovered by accident while driving six years ago.

"My foot hurt and, knowing anatomy, I went ahead and I told it to realign and my pain went away," Burda said Thursday.

Burda calls his treatment "Bahlaqeem." "It is a made-up word and, to my knowledge, has no known meaning except for this intended purpose. It does, however, have a soothing vibrational influence and contains the very special number of nine letters," Burda's Web site says.

Here's hoping the Libyans finish what they started this time...

Happy Slappy Birthday, Tom...

This is Gheorghe wishing you bountiful birthday blessings on your return from Hades. And congratulations on making it out of your 20's...we all new you could do it. Most of us, anyways...