Depending on when you hunker down to read this, we're about 200 days from the kickoff of the 2018 World Cup. While many of us are still smarting from the U.S. Men's National Team's galling failure to qualify (and really, how did those fuckers manage to gack qualifying in what's objectively the easiest confederation in the world?), the rest of the planet is still planning to hold the event. And since it's going to happen regardless of how much we care about it, we decided that we'd make the best of it.
Most years, I'd move on from the U.S. to my second favorite footballing nation, the Netherlands. But the Dutch are in the midst of an identity crisis and fucked up their UEFA campaign from the jump, so they'll be joining Sam's Army (and Italy, Ireland, Ghana, the Ivory Coast, Cameroon, Chile, and several other traditionally strong sides) as spectators. So I need to find yet another team for which to root.
In the spirit of our exhaustive search for a new favorite NFL team, we bring you Gheorghe's definitive guide to determining your World Cup rooting interest. By 'your', we mean, 'my'.
Since there are 32 sides competing in Russia, and I don't have the stamina to write something pithy about each nation, the G:TB staff established a set of ground rules regarding the choice of a temporary favorite national side. To wit:
1. We can't root for a previous champion, because that feels bandwagony (so we send our regrets to Argentina, Brazil, Uruguay, England, France, Germany, and Spain)
2. We definitely can't pull for countries actively trying to undermine the United States (fuck off, Russia, and Iran - and Trumpistan, for what it's worth)
3. We certainly cannot root in good conscience for countries that are home to Cristiano Ronaldo (Tchau, Portugal)
4. We don't feel good about rooting for countries we've never seen actually play soccer (apologies to you, Saudi Arabia, Morocco, and Serbia)
5. And finally, we won't be rooting for countries that don't have a single player on the roster with whom we're familiar (our bad, Japan and Tunisia)
As we're nothing if not rule followers, we're down to 17 national teams for whom we're willing to root. A couple more rules, maybe, to help us narrow it down. Guidelines, perhaps.
Since we want to root for a team that's got a reasonable chance to at least advance to the knockout stages, we're sad to say that Australia's probably not going to be our team. As fun as it is to say Socceroos, and as much personal affinity as we've got for the Land Down Under, they're just not going to advance. The same is true for our CONCACAF pals from Panama. (Seriously, we couldn't beat Panama in a 10-match qualifying tournament? Fuck us.) Peru are a great story, qualifying out of the brutal CONMEBOL death march
for their first World Cup since 1982, but
la Blanquirroja aren't going beyond the group stage. And South Korea's a modest 59th in the FIFA World Rankings, behind such minnows as Haiti and Jamaica. Little chance for them to advance and earn my love.
We should probably also take a stand as it relates to vaguely despotic regimes, so even though we celebrated Egypt's qualification and Mo Saleh is tearing the EPL up for my second-favorite English side, we really can't root for them.
Mexico are a tempting choice as our closest World Cup-playing neighbors. Our cultures are increasingly interwoven, and
El Tri have a chance to make a decent run. But rooting for Mexico would be a little like rooting for Auburn. And I wouldn't root for Auburn against Russia.
Iceland are an awesome story, a country of 300,000 competing on the world's largest sporting stage. Their hardworking collection of interchangeable Somethingssons appeal to our sense of the underdog. But everyone's going to be in a hurry to back
Strákarnir okkar (and to learn how to pronounce it), so we're going to reluctantly go a different direction.
There are a handful of other European countries that we like but can't really get fully behind for no particularly good reason. Croatia's uniforms might be the best in the competition. Poland features the sublime Robert Lewandoski. Sweden eliminated the Italians, and boasts Swedish women. Switzerland is a beautiful land, and Xherdan Shaqiri is my kind of diminutive footballer. Tottenham's Christian Eriksson cast aside a reputation for poor international play to drive Denmark to a place in Russia. But I can't get excited by any of those squads.
One of the best things I've ever seen at a live sporting event is the spontaneous joy of Cameroonian fans as they celebrated their team in an Olympic match against Canada in 1984. Nigerian and Senegalese backers will bring that same emotion and atmosphere next summer. I'll be pulling for both to advance. But they're not my top choices.
Colombia's got a bit of snakebitten World Cup history, to the point where their 1994 loss to the United States cost defender Carlos Escobar his life in a shooting upon his return home. And in James Rodriguez, Radamel Falcao, and Juan Cuadrado, they've got talent to burn. But I can't root for a team coached by a guy named Pekerman, can I?
Belgium may well be the best team in the tournament. They're lousy with top-flight talent, from Manchester United's Romelu Lukaku up top, to Eden Hazard, Marouane Fellaini, and Dries Mertens i the midfield, to Vincent Kompany, Jan Vertonghen, and Toby Alderweireld in the back and Thibaut Courtois in goal. Not to mention Kevin de Bruyne, who might be the best player in the world right now, non-Messi division. The Red Devils are my choice to win it all, and I'd be happy to see it.
Unless it came at Costa Rica's expense. Our CONCACAF rivals reached the quarterfinals in the 2014 World Cup, narrowly falling to the Netherlands in a penalty shootout. They thrashed the USMNT twice in the final round of qualifying, tallying a total of six goals while blanking us. They play a hard-nosed, fast-paced brand of soccer. In Real Madrid's Keylor Navas, they've got one of the world's best goalkeepers. Captain Bryan Ruiz made 97 appearances for Fulham before signing with Portuguese club Sporting CP. Their World Cup squad will feature a half-dozen MLS players. And Costa Rica is a beautiful place that's on our list of places to go for Spring Break, which is nice.
Vamos Los Ticos!
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