A Close Shave on Mill Mountain: A Very Special GTB Guestie

From the Star City comes a tale of heroism and facial topiary. Enjoy, and says thanks that our man Rootsy is still with us.

Those of you who have visited Roanoke may recall the large neon star that sits atop Mill Mountain, about 1000 feet above the city, just southeast of the city center. Having a mountain in the middle of town is pretty great. There is a great network of trails, some for hiking only, and others permit cycling as well. There are also two paved roads that can take you to the star. There’s the original ‘Old Road’ that switchbacks up the north face of the mountain and serves as vehicular access to a few homes along it, before becoming a pedestrian/cycle only path for the remainder of the ascent. There’s also the ‘New Road’, which goes around and up to a saddle, then makes a sharp turn back up to the top of the mountain.


As my fellow Virginians among the GTB readership know, our Governor has issued stay at home orders, but allows for outdoor exercise. Since my business is considered essential, we’ve continued operating with reduced staff and hours (and drastically reduced revenue). I spent last week reviewing the available small business assistance, completing applications and compiling documentation, along with doing actual work that I don’t typically have to do, so I was ready to spend some time alone outdoors on a beautiful spring weekend. After doing some work on Saturday morning, I decided to take my road bike out for a quick trip to the Mill Mountain Star and back before the Teej’s epic 44th bday z**m party (feat. Kato Kaelin).

I knew that effective last Friday morning, the City of Roanoke had closed the many miles of greenway paths located within the city limits. No problem, as I knew I could get to the old road and grind my sorry ass to the mountain top. Now, I also knew that the city had closed the new road where it turns up the mountain, but not until I approached the summit did I realize that they had closed the old road as well.  I’d planned to exit via the closed section of road anyhow, so I proceeded down the mountain on the closed road.  If you’ve ridden a skinny tired road bike down a mountain before, you know that it doesn’t take much effort to pick up speed, and that is just what I did. I rounded a curve, still gaining speed, then looked up and saw a closed brown gate, approaching rapidly against the black ashpalt. I pulled both brake levers harder than I ever have before and headed towards the gate in a barely controlled skid, and tried to aim for the approximately 14 inch center gap between the two sections of gate.

My mind raced with what would be the best part of my body to take the impact of a steel gate. I had on padded bike shorts, but aiming for the crotch seemed questionable. I kept squeezing the brakes, aiming for the tiny gap, and clipped my right shoe out of my pedal so I could try and slide through like a figure skater holding a pose. My bike mercifully came to a stop inches from the gate, and I gently laid it down.  Had I not stopped in time, here’s how much room I had to spare:

I got up, took a grateful breath, put my chain back in place and rode down the mountain and home with black greasy fingers. I hit the shower with some lava soap and scrubbed clean and joined many of you to wish the Doofus Overlord a happy birthday. If any of you noted the shit eating grin during the online meetup, it because was filled with gratitude that I survived that ordeal without an injury, in addition to seeing all of you.

On Sunday I rode back up the mountain (the legal way) with some materials to better mark the gate for scofflaws like me who could end up in the same situation. Fortunately in the intervening 24 hours, some yellow reflective tape applied to the gate. I surveyed the scene and retraced my skid marks – there were 81 feet of them, ending 3 feet from the gate, and lined up pretty well with the gap. I may have made it through unscathed, but I’m grateful that the brakes eventually did their job. Perhaps I’ll see if I can put some hydraulic disc brakes on my road bike, so future close shaves are a little more comfortable.

As a bonus, here’s a little collage of my facial hair journey from the previous weekend. What can I say? My life is full of excitement.