In Case You're Wondering Where the Cheese Went

Now back to your regularly scheduled dipshittery.

And when we ponder life's largest piles of dipshittery, what musical duo comes to mind most regularly? (If you thought "Random Idiots," you can go to hell. Even if you're on the mark.)

Yes! Ween!

We've talked a whole lot about Ween over the two decades here at Gheorghe. Why? Well, dummy, because that band is dedicated to the premise that life would be better if we all took ourselves a little less seriously. And by a little, I mean a metric shit-ton. Legendary clowns. They simply make me laugh more than any band I know. 

Here's a little story you don't know so well, unless you're Dave. Off-brand for me, but I'm going to abbreviate the backstory.

1. 2 dudes from New Hope, PA have a 4-track recorder in the late 80's.
2. They follow in the lo-fi no-band footsteps of 2 dudes from Brooklyn who might be giants, and they inspire two dudes in Williamsburg who are definitely not. 
3. They end up releasing a 29-song album in 1990 on Twin/Tone records, a small label in the North Star State responsible for the early records from The Replacements and Soul Asylum. God Ween Satan is a glorious mess. 
4. They release more albums, and actually start getting better. They get on MTV. They amass a cult following.
5. They release a country album in 1996 with reputable Nashville session musicians. It features a few filthy songs like "Piss Up a Rope" and "Mister Richard Smoker" that some of them Tennessee gents didn't much like. But it's a great record.
6. They release a prog-rock album in 1998 that's excellent.
7. They issue White Pepper in 2000. It's as mainstream as Ween will ever, ever get. They appear on Letterman to play "Exactly Where I'm At." Another single, "Even If You Don't," is super catchy and has a video. "Stay Forever" is really quite normal. Dave proclaims this album to be the best. The best album of all time. Ever. (He's the most hyperbolic person in the universe.)

Ween is mainstream and ready for middle America!!!

Well... heeeeeeere's the thing, though. Ignoring a historic discography that features songs called (sorry for the expurgated version, it's a family blog):

• You F***ed Up (first song on first album)
• Common B***
• L.M.L.Y.P.
• She F***s Me
• Flies On My D***
• Poop Ship Destroyer (a Ween original classic if there ever was one)
• Hey Fat Boy (A*****e)
• Spinal Meningitis (Got Me Down)
• Baby B****
• The HIV Song (this tune is just two words long)
• Don't S*** Where You Eat
• Waving My D*** in the Wind

...ignoring all of that, plus a bunch of songs that are hideously lewd but don't have the vulgarity in the title, setting all that aside and focusing on this new (2000) mainstream effort White Pepper... which probably is a racist title, now that I think about it in 2024 terms...

You still can't miss the steel drums, ragga Jimmy Buffett send-up "Bananas and Blow." (It's so good.) And you still can't escape the Steely Dan-ish nod "Pandy Fackler" with its lyrical wait, what?! (Read it here.)

There is still some saucy-as-hell Béarnaise beneath the polished sound of that macro-Ween era. You just knew that although we were happy for their relative success, these were still the same two dipshits from New Hope whose masterstrokes were all steeped in dipshittery. 

You had to know.

You know who didn't? Pizza Hut!!

Yes, the same Pizza Hut corporation whose franchise employed rob and me in 1990. (You remember the story. Never trust a big butt and smile.)

So... the story goes like this. In 2002, Pizza Hut, Inc. decided to leap into the stuffed crust phenomenon. (Never been a fan.) Can't blame them, it was an era of hiding cheese everywhere. 

According to Dean Ween:

“Earlier in 2002 we were hired by the largest advertising firm in the country to write music for a Pizza Hut commercial. Pizza Hut had hired them to come up with a whole new image to promote their new Pizza, “The Insider” which had all of the cheese inside the crust. In keeping in line with their new cutting edge image, the agency hired Ween to do the music, and we delivered in a big way. Unfortunately, they didn’t like a single piece of the 6 tunes we submitted and they had us rewriting the song every day for a couple of weeks before they hired someone else. In my opinion, it is one of the best tunes we wrote all last year.”

The agency got fired. Ween got dumped. It never went anywhere. 

Oh, but Ween leaked the first and best song they submitted to their fans. Please give it a listen. It's a silly little something, and it's clean. 

Oh! But they also leaked the 6th and final song they submitted.  Frustrated with the annoying back-and-forth corporate BS process and the repeated rejection of songs Ween thought were brilliant, they simply added a little tweak to the first song they'd done and sent that in. Welp, that was the last straw. Please give it a listen. It is very much NSFW and it makes me laugh every time. 

Both are in here, back to back. Each is 30 seconds. Enjoy. 

To the knowledge of the crack investigative team of interns at Gheorghe: The Blog, Ween has never been asked to do a commercial again. They have done some soundtrack work, including the song "The Rainbow" for Chef Aid on South Park. (Don't google it.)

Whoever greenlit Ween for a Pizza Hut commercial committed, what John Cleese once uttered in the Cheese Shop sketch, "an act of purest optimism." Worth a try, I suppose, but that was the closest Ween ever came to mass acceptance. In the 20 years since, Ween has taken as many extended hiatuses* as they have released studio albums. (Two of each.)  

*Hiati? Is that right? Looks like Haiti. That cannot be right.

Anyway, when the boys saddle back up and hit the road again, I'm driving to NJ and going to see them with Dave. Until then, where'd the motherfucking cheese go?

Have a Drink with Gheorghe: The Blog (Legally)

That's right, your favorite blogospheric stopping point, Gheorghe: The Blog, turns 21 today!

Booze it up with the Gheorghies. And watch this -- which rob and I cannot believe we've never posted here:

Today we celebrate 21 years of formally celebrating Gheorghe Mureșan with a namesake blog. And, wow, does this quote from that very first post hit home at the moment: "Gheorghe's spirit and the joy with which he appears to approach life offer lessons for all of us about the important things. This space will celebrate those in sports and elsewhere that live with Gheorgheness, and skewer those that think they are more important than the game - be it sports or life."

Just in case you don't have anything else to drink about this week, have one now.

Happy Belated 18th, Gheorghies!

Gheorghe: The Blog is 18 years old! 

Yes, we missed it yesterday, what with it being the Lord's day, and a day of rest, and Mark and Greg and I were nursing our hangovers from the mini-summit, and the rest of you are just lazy and forgetful.

But now, like the religious tradition of turning to your neighbor and offering, "Peace be with you," let us all gheorghies turn to each other and offer a moment devoid of taking ourselves too seriously, and glad tidings amongst our little band of misfits and meanderers.

May Gheorghe be with you.

Also born on November 7: Marie Curie, Leon Trotsky, Albert Camus, and Judy Tenuta.

18 years is a long time. Gheorghe: The Blog is old enough to vote, buy a gun, or even join the armed forces. Old enough even to drink a beer . . . if you happen to be in Sydney, Fiji, Montreal, Johannesburg, or 83% of the countries in the world. Just not in the United States for another three years. And never in Murfreesboro, Arkansas or in a number of dry counties across this great country of ours.

Anywho . . . happy belated birthday, gheorghies. Drink up.

Happy Birthday, Gheorghe: The Blog! You can go to R-rated movies!

November 7, 2003 was a Friday. In the Year of the Goat. 6,192 days ago.

And Gheorghe: The Blog was born. In a manger. Or in a mangy corner of the blogosphere on the world wide web (WWW). You decide.

Gheorghe: The Blog shares a birthday with Joni Mitchell (1943), King Kong Bundy (1957), Dana Plato (1964), and Jason and Jeremy London (1972).

On this day in 2003, the films Elf and Love Actually were released in theaters. The Shins' Chutes Too Narrow, the Strokes' second album were newly out. The Black Album was about to be.

Johnny Cash, Warren Zevon, Robert Palmer, and Elliott Smith had just recently died. Art Carney had 2 days to live. We needed something like G:TB as a salve. 

Gheorghe: The Blog is a Scorpio, of course. With a birthstone of Topaz.

Enjoy G:TBday!

Gheorghe: The Blog Turns 15 Today

Happy G:TBday, gheorghies!

I know you are all amid your G:TBday celebration, but I’m hoping you can take time out to drink in this post, as I have formalized the holiday and sent out gifts accordingly.

No, today isn’t Gheorghe Mureșan’s birthday! You know that’s February 14! His birthday revelry supplanted that other 2/14 Hallmark holiday years ago.

Rather, today is G:TBday, the birthday of Gheorghe: The Blog. The 15th birthday at that. 15 years of taking life less seriously via regularly scheduled dipshittery. Here’s to many more.

Think about it for a moment.  15 years of blogging here.  A decade and a half.  Rob and I started Misery Loves Company about seven months before Gheorghe (BG), blogging about the Red Sox and Mets. We gave it a good run, maybe hung around a couple of seasons too long, and shuttered our doors. After six-and-a-half years.  This is 15 years -- without an annual hiatus between trophy hoisting and pitchers and catchers.

How to commemorate such an occasion? To borrow from Otter, I figured that we had to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part, and we’re just the guys to do it.

To that end… some months back I stumbled upon a website, and I now can’t remember how or why. (Thanks, Dale.) Doesn’t matter. What matters is that I found it, and it enabled me to bring a large dose of the sublimely ridiculous to this corner of the ‘sphere whilst giving back to the roster of G:TB that I love so well.

It’s an auction site, and I decided to get you each a little something. No… hell, no… it’s not bringatrailer.com, and I definitely didn’t buy you each a car. After I make my fortune, I will, though. (In the meantime, Zman's stellar car selections for each gheorghie will have to do.)

The site is Pristine Auction, and it’s a treasure trove of collectibles of varying value. The auctionables are memorabilia, almost all of which have been autographed and certified. Sports items predominate the loot, but there are plenty of music and movie artifacts, as well as sections dedicated to “Fine Art,” “Coins and Bullion,” and “Celebrity.” At this writing this site's items range from $1.00 (Efrem Zimbalist Jr. Signed 8x10 Photo Inscribed "With Very Best Wishes") to $9,870 (1957-58 Topps #77 Bill Russell rookie card).

This is currently $735

There are countless lots that would be cool to have.  There are thousands more that are just ludicrous, and it’s amusing to see that someone’s bidding to acquire them.

I know you’ll spend a few moments checking it out, so I won’t waste time and space describing the site and its time-suck/dollar-suck attributes. Let’s get to the gift-giving!

Before we do, actually, there are a couple of caveats to this ridiculousness.  I planned to get each gheorghie on the G:TB masthead a very small something from the site in honor of our 15 years together.

This is currently $2.10

Well, first of all, I happened to expand a tad beyond the official roster to include Squeaky and Shlara, just because I ambled upon auction lots that seemed up their alleys, so to speak. I have been looking for items for Rootsy, the KQ's, and others, but please accept my apologies. This is a work in progress.

Second, some of you got more than one gift. Chalk it up to either disorganization on my part or that I got you something and then found something way more suitable.

Third, along the way “small somethings” became mildly more substantial. I won’t divulge how much so, but let’s just say I later needed to give myself an intervention to break myself of visiting the site every day.

Finally, and most importantly, there is the question of  What the Fuck Do I Do with My G:TBday Gift?

These are meant as silly gestures, but some of this stuff is kind of cool. If it’s crap, feel free to chuck it or shelve it in your garage. Or re-gift it. Or, of course, auction it off yourself and make a buck! If you like it, frame it. Or place it prominently in your home.

Or what I really, really hope you do (in the case of apparel) is wear it!! Framing signed jerseys seems silly to me. Wear it around. It’s a shirt and a conversation piece. I want photos of you with it in a bar. I've been wearing my signed Sonny Jurgensen jersey during Skins games for a few weeks. It worked well until last week.  Next up, Gary Clark.

Do whatever you want with it, my friends.

With all of that said, here we go…
(If it's in bold, this gift is currently en route to / has arrived at your respective places of residence.)

Marls

Timmy Marls is a good example of the aforementioned progression from silly to more substantial (and more silly). To start: who doesn’t want a perfectly frameable autographed action shot of a platoon second baseman? The Teufel Shuffle!
Tim Teufel Signed Mets 8x10 Photo Inscribed "86 WSC"

But then I saw the perfect gift to match his Twitter handle. Marls… I expect to see pictures of you wearing this around town whilst strolling your babe. Enjoy.
Dave Kingman Signed Mets Jersey Inscribed "442 HR"

Mark

I’m aware of a handful of Mark’s interests, and they include shoes. But the Michael Jordan Signed Original 1997 Nike Air Jordan 12 Flu Basketball Shoes were $3,150 and rising, so I went another direction. Towards Gainesville. I started with one guy local to my town and snagged this:
Percy Harvin Signed Florida Gators Jersey Inscribed "2x Nat'l Champ"

But then I (think I) remembered that Mark always appreciated the stylings of Corey Brewer, and I dig this particular photo, so what the hell?
Corey Brewer Signed Florida Gators 8x10 Photo



TJ


What else could it be, really?
O.J. Simpson Signed USC Trojans Jersey Inscribed "Heisman 68"

If you don’t take a marker and change the 68 to 69, I’ll be a tad disappointed. And you should wear this, no matter how big or how small on you it is. Keep the fire.

Oh, and speaking of Yacht Rock, you are also getting this.
John Oates Signed "Hall and Oates" 11x14 Photo

Zman

I was all over Buffalo, virtually speaking, but the truth was I had to reach out to Zed and ask him, seemingly randomly, who was his favorite Bill. I got my answer without any delay. The Thurmanator is on his way.
Thurman Thomas Signed Bills Jersey Inscribed "HOF 07"

As a throw-in, you get a little something from the tennis circuit:
Rod Laver Signed 8x10 Photo



TR

This one was a real coup, considering that the item isn’t a regular occurrence on Pristine Auctions. Given the completion of your masterpiece this year, and that 1983 topped (sorry) them all, it feels so right. If you already have this complete set, it will feel so wrong, and I apologize.
1983 Topps Complete Set of (793) Baseball Cards with #498 Wade Boggs RC, #82 Ryne Sandberg, #482 Tony Gwynn

And this was a toss-in, a $3.81 purchase that made me chuckle and keep this pitcher a marketable auction commodity:
Bert Blyleven Signed 2011 Memories & Dreams Magazine

Dave

Dave was one of the most difficult to come up with, and I settled for the signed jersey from the QB of his second favorite team as a kid (we’ll ignore the guy’s supposed coaching career):
Jim Zorn Signed Seahawks Jersey

And then this appeared. And I had to have it. This is a coffee table companion, a drinking game starter, reading material for the john, and just stupidly amusing. The Dude abides:
Jeff Bridges Signed "The Big Lebowski" Full Movie Script


 
Shlara

For Shlara, some eye candy for her wall. Enjoy.

Jay Wright Signed Villanova Wildcats 16x20 Custom Framed Photo Display

Squeaky

For Squeak, a jersey to wear whilst playing futbol.  I hope it fits, though most of these jerseys run pretty large.

Pele Signed Cosmos Jersey

And now for my favorite two gifts…




rob

There are Red Sox items galore on Pristine, most of them vastly overpriced. I wanted to snag him a signed picture of Timmy Wakefield, a frequent subject of blessing and cursing at MLC during our 7-year run there. Alas, I lost out to an avid knuckler collector. Then, I wanted these:
Lot of (2) David Ortiz Signed Game-Used Batting Gloves Inscribed "9/30/16"
$220 was just out of my price range. Man, I would have enjoyed seeing Rob belly up to Tortuga’s next year with those on. I kept with the team theme when I scooped up this dandy:
Kevin Millar Signed Official 2004 World Series Baseball Inscribed "Cowboy Up"

Pretty cool. But then, one misty morning, like a vision, this gem appeared to me, as if to say, “Say when…”

Val Kilmer Signed "Tombstone" Cowboy Hat Inscribed "I'm Your Huckleberry"

Yes, yes, that’s right. A cowboy hat inscribed by Doc Holliday himself (well, Val Kilmer), “I’m Your Huckleberry.” So good. And so Rob. I battled for it and won it over some other eager bidder, walking over him like a ghost over Johnny Ringo’s grave. Gonna need to have Rob wear this around Loudoun County. Cowboy up, indeed.

And finally, perhaps the very reason I landed at this auction website at all…

Danimal

You had to know this was coming, Dan.
Warren Spahn Signed Baseball

Yes. Free at last. The curse has been lifted. You’re welcome. You’re welcome. And I would actually be amused to no end if you played ball with it out by the creek.

(Back in 2014, Danimal promised to write the post that would explain this gift. Time’s up, Danny!)

* * * * *

So there it is – your G:TBday 15 gift extravaganza.

Oh, fear not, my friends, as I naturally treated myself to a few goodies along the way, including:

Dwight Gooden Signed Mets Jersey
Mike Mills Signed R.E.M. "Document" CD
Pernell Whitaker Signed 8x10 Photo
Kenny Loggins and Jim Messina Signed "Full Sail" Vinyl Album
Davey Johnson Signed 1986 World Series Baseball Inscribed "86 WS Champs"
George Wendt Signed "Cheers" 8x10 Photo
Jordan Reed Signed Redskins Jersey
Gary Clark Signed Redskins Jersey
Sonny Jurgensen Signed Redskins Jersey


Yep, this is all pretty ridiculous.  But something struck me yesterday as I sat in my office listening to a nice, if verbose, gentleman of easily 65 years issue the following definitive statement... he said, "You can count the number of truly great people you know personally on one hand."

All goofy, inane, preposterous, tongue-in-cheek, farcical, dipshittery aside, I immediately thought to myself, "He is so wrong. All my gheorghies are truly great, they number way more than five, and that's just my friends that write on a silly little blog." I thought that. I think that.  You guys are the best. And let me borrow from Coach Norman Dale.

I love you guys.  Here's to 15 more.  Happy G:TB Day.

Hair of the Dog that Bit Me, Lloyd

Moving right along, people.  This is your regularly scheduled dipshittery.

So I went to a work luncheon the other day, and one of the sponsors was a construction company.  Among other marketing tactics, the company appeals to prospective buyers through a lovable looking animal, presumably to soften the image of an industry not known for lovability.  (See Poltergiest or Lethal Weapon 3, among others.)  So they have a retriever named Linus who wears a construction hat and poses for photos.  Cute.  Harmless.

Except this was the picture they had on enormous display at the event.

What do you think of when you think of "Overlook"?  Does anyone else instantly think of the Overlook Hotel?

If you do, you know there isn't much lovable about it.  Family murders, elevators filled with blood, a hotel coming to grisly life and creating gory death.  I couldn't stop thinking that this was a terrible choice, especially written in what could pass for blood.  It's one backwards R from being intentional.

Just glad it wasn't Lot 237.



Just me???  Probably.  All work and no play makes Clarence a dull boy.

Make G:TB Great Again: A Bills Season Preview, Alternatively Titled Zut Alors, C'est le Football Américain!

While we're all eager to celebrate all things football, this year's opening Sunday falls on a somber anniversary. I hope you find the time to reflect on that day and everything you've been fortunate to experience since then.

********

Now back to our regularly scheduled dipshittery.

Robert Mays beat me to the punch as to why the Bills will stink this year. In a nutshell, their defense lost Pro Bowler Marcell Dareus to rehab, first and second round picks Shaq Lawson and Reggie Ragland to injuries, jawbreaker IK Enempkali to injury, Nigel Bradham to the Eagles, and Mario Williams to the team's general stupidity. And they cut Manny Lawson.

Accordingly, I am not optimistic that they will improve on last year's 8-8 record. In fact, here's how I see things unfolding weekly.

Most of these columns are self-explanatory, except for the "why" column, which I will explain.

"west coast" means that the Bills will lose the game because it's on the west coast. In the Pacific time zone, Buffalo is 16-36-1 all-time; 5-15 in their last twenty games; 2-9 since 2000; and 0-5 in their last five games. I see no reason for optimism in any of the road trips to Seattle (one of the best three teams in football with serious home field advantage), Oakland (everyone's favorite up-and-coming team), or LA (fearsome pass rush, Todd Gurley).

Running tally of losses: 3

"pats" means that the Bills will lose the game because it's against the Pats. Against the Patriots, Buffalo is 4-28 since 2000; 2-18 in their last twenty games; and had a fifteen game losing streak from 2003 to 2010. The week 4 game will feature Jimmy Garappolo instead of Tom Brady, but Buffalo will lose anyway because it's at Gillette. In away games versus the Pats, the Bills are 20-36 all-time; 2-14 since 2000; 3-17 in their last 20 games; and had a twelve game losing streak from 2001 to 2013. Think about that last factoid--that span includes both of W's terms, all of Obama's first term and a year of his second term! I see no reason for optimism in these two games.

Running tally of losses: 5

"pitt" means that the Bills will lose the game because it's against the Steelers. Against Pittsburgh, Buffalo is 8-13 all-time; 0-5 since 2000; 2-8 in their last ten games; and 1-8 all-time at Pittsburgh. The Steelers have won 61 games in the past six years. By contrast, the Bills have won 59 games in the past nine seasons. I see no reason for optimism in an away game versus Pittsburgh.

Running tally of losses: 6

"jets split" means that the Bills will split the series against the Jets because they are the Bills and Jets. Against the Jets, Buffalo is 17-15 since 2000 and 10-10 in their last twenty games. On the road against the Jets, the Bills are 27-28 all-time; 10-10 since 2000; and 8-12 in their last 20 games. Buffalo won the last five games in this series and the math makes it appear that this trend can't continue much longer.

Running tally of losses: 7

"fish split" means that the Bills will split the series against the Fish because they are the Bills and Fish. Against Miami, the Bills are 17-15 since 2000 and 12-8 in their last 20 games. In games played in Miami, the Bills are merely 17-32-1 all-time but 7-9 since 2000; 8-12 in their last 20 games; and 5-5 in their last ten games. Hence I predict a split. Miami will lose in Buffalo because the game will be played on December 24. I guarantee that the weather will be brutally cold (hence the "cold" in the "why" column) and will make the Floridians want to get back on the plane as soon as possible. Except for Jay Fiedler, they will also be unhappy that they have to travel western New York to play a game on Christmas Eve in a frozen wasteland of unemployment and alcoholism instead of celebrating the birth of the messiah with family and friends in beautiful south Florida.

Running tally of losses: 8

"good team" means that the Bills will lose the game because it's against a good team. The Bengals made the playoffs five years running, with 52 wins over that span. By contrast, the Bills won 52 games over the past eight years and haven't made the playoffs in sixteen years. The Cardinals are no slouch either, with 34 wins and two playoff appearances over the past three seasons. I see no reason for optimism in an away game versus Cincy or any game against the Cardinals.

Running tally of losses: 10

I think they can beat the Niners at home and the Ravens in Baltimore because they are bad teams, even badder than the Bills. They'll beat Cleveland because Cleveland used all its mojo up with the Cavaliers. I have no idea why they'll beat Jacksonville, I guess I'm just not picking up what the Jaguars are putting down. Splits with the Jets and Fish account for the other two wins.

So the Bills will go 6-10. If I'm in a really optimistic mood I might convince myself that Buffalo can sweep the Jets and Dolphins. Thus even my most optimistic view is another 8-8 season.

I'm happier to hear, and even encourage, rosier predictions for the Bills in the comments. But I don't expect any.

Regularly Scheduled Dipshittery

At Clarence's request, something to take our minds off of the terrifically shitty news of the day. It promises to get better, though, as President Obama's scheduled announcement regarding U.S. immigration policy will undoubtedly be met with universally bipartisan hosannas and an as-yet-unseen coming together of the body politic on Twitter.

Ah, fuck it. Look at this picture. It's the top response when you do a Ghoogle image search for 'regularly scheduled dipshittery'. We win the internet.