Some might say we've been mercifully spared, while others might say mercilessly denied, another of my Bills/Browns previews because the Bills and Browns finished third and fourth in their divisions, respectively, in 2016 (as opposed to their usual last-place finishes that produce this herpetic matchup). As a result I wrote this Bills/Browns review, to review some of the awful decisions they've made.
My friend Mark is a Dolphins fan and he has a theory about the NFL draft: take a quarterback every year, and if you don't have a good one take the best one you can get in the first round, even if you have to trade up. In his view, amassing piles of draft picks like the Patriots do is great only if you have a good quarterback like the Patriots do. This opinion reflects the harsh reality that it's almost impossible to win a Super Bowl with even an average quarterback. Thus having great depth in the defensive backfield and tremendous special teams specialists does you little good unless you have a real stud under center.
Mark is further of the view that you know if a QB is a bust after two years. If so, move on. He's fine with rolling the dice on a high draft pick and moving on quickly if the player is a bust, so long as this risk is taken at the QB position. In his view, a complete bust is better than winding up with a guy like Ryan Tannehill because it's easy to move on from a bust. If you move on from Ryan Tannehill you could wind up with a total bust or even worse, Jay Cutler, so you're stuck with mediocrity for a number of years until the coach gets fired and a new regime comes in and cleans house.
The Browns highlight the flaws in Mark's theory. I'll explain. Here are the names of people who have thrown ten or more passes in a game for the Browns since 2012:
Cody Kessler
DeShone Kizer
Kevin Hogan
Robert Griffin
Josh McCown
Charlie Whitehurst
Austin Davis
Johnny Manziel
Brian Hoyer
Jason Campbell
Brandon Weeden
Thaddeus Lewis
Colt McCoy
Factory of sadness indeed. Here are the names of some QBs the Browns chose not to draft since 2012:
Deshaun Watson (they traded this pick to Houston, then took DeShone Kizer later)
Carson Wentz (they traded this pick to Philadelphia, then took Cody Kessler later)
Dak Prescott (they took Cody Kessler the round before)
Derek Carr (they took Johnny Manziel the round before)
Jimmy Garoppolo (again, they took Johnny Manziel the round before)
Russell Wilson (they took Brandon Weeden two rounds before)
Kirk Cousins (again, they took Bradon Weeden three rounds before)
To be fair, every team in the league passed on Prescott, Garoppolo, Wilson and Cousins ... and the Browns drafted Weeden, Manziel, Kessler and Kizer so they seem to be following Mark's theory. But the theory works best if the folks making the picks aren't completely asleep at the wheel. But even a blind squirrel can manage to bust a nut once every six drafts, right?
It is well established that I'm an idiot. However, when the Bills traded back from #10 in this year's draft I said "Did the Bills just do something that makes sense? Wow." and then "Although I would've been excited for them to get Deshaun Watson." He was tremendous in college and he's looked great so far this year. It didn't require piercing insight to recognize that Watson had yoodge upside--did you see the National Championship game?
Further, when the R**skins drafted Robert Griffin they also drafted Kirk Cousins. These picks worked out (compared to the situation in Cleveland at least). Would it have killed the Browns to take Weeden AND Cousins or Kessler AND Prescott? It's not like they're using their picks wisely and drafting well at other positions.
Seriously, the Browns suck at drafting all over the field. Here's the top 25 players the Browns drafted since 2012 ranked by career average value:
You know you're bad at drafting when the third-best player you've taken in the last six years is Trent Richardson. Who the hell is Mitchell Schwartz, other than the best Browns draftee of the past six years? I would've assumed he was a CPA, anesthesiologist, maybe a securities litigator. Turns out he's a Kansas City Chief! He went to KC last year and turned in his best career season to date in terms of AV. Typical Browns. Note that eight of these top 25 aren't in the the NFL anymore. That's not good.
All this is to say: the Browns realize that they don't have a QB, they realize that they need a QB, and they're actively drafting QB's, but they're either too dumb or too shook or too cheap or some combination thereof to draft a QB early in the first round. They need to talk to Mark. He hasn't said this, but I think his theory demonstrates the problem with advanced metrics that focus too much on "draft capital." Having all 32 picks in the seventh round might add up to a lot of "draft capital," but none of those players are likely to make your team better. At some point you have to take your balls out of your purse and spend a bunch of capital on a highly rated quaterback.
Buffalo's recent history highlights the potential merits of Mark's theory--you are never going to get a good QB unless you draft one (except for the Saints with Drew Brees, which must still piss off Charger fans). Here's a list of alleged humans that threw 10 or more passes for the Bills since 2012:
Tyrod Taylor
Cardale Jones
EJ Manuel
Kyle Orton
Jeff Tuel
Thaddeus Lewis (overlap!)
Ryan Fitzpatrick
Not exactly a beauty pageant. Unlike Cleveland, the Bills don't seem to feel any need to address this deficiency. Here's who they've drafted at QB since 2012:
Nathan Peterman
Cardale Jones
EJ Manuel
It's as if they're completely ignoring the position. Like the Browns they suck at drafting too:
Ten of their top 25 picks from the last six drafts are out of the league. Awful.
More remarkable, in my view, was their recent move to trade Marcell Dareus to Jacksonville for a sixth round pick. Much is made of the Bills' long-running failure to reach the postseason. What makes this particularly painful is that they haven't completely bottomed out (unlike the Browns) so they're typically good enough to get 6-7 wins and don't draft at the top of the board. Dareus, however, was the third pick of the 2011 draft and he played well for Buffalo. Getting only a sixth round pick for him is painful. You know what's really painful though? This:
Buffalo could've had any of these players on their team today other than Cam Newton or Von Miller. Instead they have a future sixth round pick. How's that for effective use of draft capital?! But I guess it isn't much more frustrating than this:
Buffalo could've stayed at 9, drafted Odell Beckham Jr. (or anyone else on this list except for Blake Bortles), and still had a first round pick in 2015. Instead they traded up for Sammy Watkins who they later traded for EJ Gaines and a 2nd round pick.
The one thing that remains constant is the Browns seem destined to win no more than four games, while the Bills are a near-lock to win six or seven. Which is particularly galling given that the Bills' personnel decisions make it appear that they're tanking. They can't even tank right!
I foresee the Browns having a top-three pick in April, while the Bills will have their own pick (figure somewhere around 14-16) and the Chiefs' (figure somewhere around 28-29). The Bills will trade both picks and Tyrod Taylor to the Browns for their pick, then draft a nose tackle. The Browns will draft QBs with both of the Bills' picks and both will suck. Whoever picks one or two spots after the Bills will get a Pro Bowl caliber QB. Neither team will hire Mark, but maybe they should.
Showing posts with label herpes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label herpes. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 01, 2017
Saturday, October 03, 2015
Happy Birthday, Big Man
October 3, 1951 was a special day for baseball. David Mark Winfield was born in Minnesota. Some mediocre major leaguer named Bobby Thompson also did something that day, but I forget what it was. Probably wasn't a big deal.
Happy 64th, big man. I still think you are being screwed over by the Yankees, who refuse to acknowledge you in Monument Park despite your 1,172 games played as a Yankee.
Friday, December 10, 2010
G:TB Bills/Browns Preview Part II - Alternatively Titled "Bills/Browns Games are Like Herpes"
Last year's Bills/Browns preview became an internet sensation. I hope that this year's preview will be equally enthralling.
Athletes and venereal disease go hand-in-hand (or dork-in-muff?). Magic Johnson and Greg Louganis have
AIDS. Superstar Billy Graham has hepatitis C. Mickey Mantle's gonorrhea helped him lose the 1961 home run title to Roger Maris and Mike Tyson fought a championship fight while suffering from the clap. And many athletes are reported to have herpes, including Dave Winfield, Derek Jeter, and Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick.
Which smoothly segues into this year's Bills/Browns preview. This game is their fourth consecutive matchup since 2007. The Bills lost all three previous games by preposterously ugly scores of 0-8, 27-29, and 3-6. I see no reason why this game won't be just as ugly as the past three.
That's why this game is like herpes. It keeps coming back every year to blight the NFL's delicates. And it's a blight upon fans too. No one wants to turn on the TV and discover that they have Bills/Browns. There are warning signs before a flare-up -- when the schedule comes out and you see Bills vs. Browns, you say to yourself "I hope I don't get stuck with that shit." It's ugly. It's painful. You laugh at people who suffer from it. Bills/Browns games are, without a doubt, the most herpetic matchup in the NFL.
Luckily there's a cure for Bills/Browns; Cleveland won't finish last in their division this year and thus will likely spare us from Simplex Bowl V (Brought to you by Valtrex ... Valtrex puts the V in Simplex Bowl V!).
The 2010 Bills suck. As the Teedge sagely noted in this space, the Panthers are worse, but Buffalo is terrible. Gutless. Soft. Losers. And many other pejorative adjectives.
Their record is due in large part to their dearth of talent, which is due in large part to their dearth of drafting acumen, which is due in large part to Buddy Nix. Here's how their 2010 draft class performed through 12 games:
1/9: CJ Spiller - 48 rushes/199 yds; 20 rec/82 yds/1 TD; 33 kick ret/817 yds/1 TD.
2/41: Torrell Troup - 9 tackles, 9 assists.
3/72: Alex Carrington - 3 tackles, 1 assist, 1 sack.
4/107: Marcus Easly - has not played (IR).
5/140: Ed Wang - played in 4 games, 0 starts.
6/178: Arthur Moats - 1 tackle, 8 assists, 0.5 sack.
6/192: Danny Batten - has not played (IR).
7/209: Levi Brown - has not played.
7/216: Kyle Calloway - has not played.
To say that things didn't pan out at planned is an understatement. The most frustrating aspect of this drafting debacle is that the Bills took CJ Spiller #9 overall, even though they already had two decent-to-good running backs, and then gave him the ball 68 times over 10 games. What's the point? Getting a kick returner with the 9th pick is a luxury that bad teams (e.g., teams picking 9th overall) typically cannot afford. Perhaps they read my last Bills/Browns post and used the #9 pick on a running back in light of the whole Rob Johnson/Fred Taylor kerfuffle.
As I've ranted ad nauseum, the 2009 Bills could not stop the run and this year is no different. In fact the Bills are worse this year (ranked #32) compared to last year (ranked #31). Which makes Torrell Troup's poor performance particularly painful. When you have the worst run defense in the league, and you draft a DT in the 2nd round, and said DT can't get on the field ... you had a bad draft. Especially when you had the 9th overall pick in a draft featuring a number of good DT. At least Troup looks like a fun guy to bring to all-you-can-eat buffets.
Cleveland has played well of late and I expect them to win handily. Peyton Hillis is listed at 240 pounds; at least five of those pounds have to be the steroids coursing through his veins. He will demolish Buffalo's front seven and should rush for about 150 yards.

The one thing cutting in Buffalo's favor is Jake Delhomme's presence under center. When people think of Jake Delhomme, they think of soul. Not of a soldier, but of soul. Shining in the hearts of men. And crying. Soulfully perhaps, but not soldierly. And not ironically, not at all. And when I say "people," I mean some sad sack Panthers fans with video editing software. Mercifully I'm not one of them. Otherwise I would not only root for the worst team in the league, I would root for the worst team in the league alongside the same mope who put this video together.
So as you watch football this weekend, be thankful if you don't get stuck with a case of Bills/Browns, and be thankful for not being a Panthers fan. Otherwise you're gonna bring yourself down.
Final score: Browns 31, Bills 17
Athletes and venereal disease go hand-in-hand (or dork-in-muff?). Magic Johnson and Greg Louganis have

AIDS. Superstar Billy Graham has hepatitis C. Mickey Mantle's gonorrhea helped him lose the 1961 home run title to Roger Maris and Mike Tyson fought a championship fight while suffering from the clap. And many athletes are reported to have herpes, including Dave Winfield, Derek Jeter, and Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick.
Which smoothly segues into this year's Bills/Browns preview. This game is their fourth consecutive matchup since 2007. The Bills lost all three previous games by preposterously ugly scores of 0-8, 27-29, and 3-6. I see no reason why this game won't be just as ugly as the past three.
That's why this game is like herpes. It keeps coming back every year to blight the NFL's delicates. And it's a blight upon fans too. No one wants to turn on the TV and discover that they have Bills/Browns. There are warning signs before a flare-up -- when the schedule comes out and you see Bills vs. Browns, you say to yourself "I hope I don't get stuck with that shit." It's ugly. It's painful. You laugh at people who suffer from it. Bills/Browns games are, without a doubt, the most herpetic matchup in the NFL.
Luckily there's a cure for Bills/Browns; Cleveland won't finish last in their division this year and thus will likely spare us from Simplex Bowl V (Brought to you by Valtrex ... Valtrex puts the V in Simplex Bowl V!).
The 2010 Bills suck. As the Teedge sagely noted in this space, the Panthers are worse, but Buffalo is terrible. Gutless. Soft. Losers. And many other pejorative adjectives.
Their record is due in large part to their dearth of talent, which is due in large part to their dearth of drafting acumen, which is due in large part to Buddy Nix. Here's how their 2010 draft class performed through 12 games:1/9: CJ Spiller - 48 rushes/199 yds; 20 rec/82 yds/1 TD; 33 kick ret/817 yds/1 TD.
2/41: Torrell Troup - 9 tackles, 9 assists.
3/72: Alex Carrington - 3 tackles, 1 assist, 1 sack.
4/107: Marcus Easly - has not played (IR).
5/140: Ed Wang - played in 4 games, 0 starts.
6/178: Arthur Moats - 1 tackle, 8 assists, 0.5 sack.
6/192: Danny Batten - has not played (IR).
7/209: Levi Brown - has not played.
7/216: Kyle Calloway - has not played.
To say that things didn't pan out at planned is an understatement. The most frustrating aspect of this drafting debacle is that the Bills took CJ Spiller #9 overall, even though they already had two decent-to-good running backs, and then gave him the ball 68 times over 10 games. What's the point? Getting a kick returner with the 9th pick is a luxury that bad teams (e.g., teams picking 9th overall) typically cannot afford. Perhaps they read my last Bills/Browns post and used the #9 pick on a running back in light of the whole Rob Johnson/Fred Taylor kerfuffle.
As I've ranted ad nauseum, the 2009 Bills could not stop the run and this year is no different. In fact the Bills are worse this year (ranked #32) compared to last year (ranked #31). Which makes Torrell Troup's poor performance particularly painful. When you have the worst run defense in the league, and you draft a DT in the 2nd round, and said DT can't get on the field ... you had a bad draft. Especially when you had the 9th overall pick in a draft featuring a number of good DT. At least Troup looks like a fun guy to bring to all-you-can-eat buffets.Cleveland has played well of late and I expect them to win handily. Peyton Hillis is listed at 240 pounds; at least five of those pounds have to be the steroids coursing through his veins. He will demolish Buffalo's front seven and should rush for about 150 yards.

The one thing cutting in Buffalo's favor is Jake Delhomme's presence under center. When people think of Jake Delhomme, they think of soul. Not of a soldier, but of soul. Shining in the hearts of men. And crying. Soulfully perhaps, but not soldierly. And not ironically, not at all. And when I say "people," I mean some sad sack Panthers fans with video editing software. Mercifully I'm not one of them. Otherwise I would not only root for the worst team in the league, I would root for the worst team in the league alongside the same mope who put this video together.
So as you watch football this weekend, be thankful if you don't get stuck with a case of Bills/Browns, and be thankful for not being a Panthers fan. Otherwise you're gonna bring yourself down.
Final score: Browns 31, Bills 17
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