Mother's Day zGift Ideas

TR recently lamented that he has to come up with a lot of gifts for Tiara over a relatively short time span every year.  He's especially busy this year so he probably doesn't have time to come up with ideas and it wouldn't surprise me if you're similarly situated.  Luckily for you I'm really good at gift ideas--just ask your mother.  Here are a few you should consider that worked out well for me.

Ember coffee mug

Yes, this seems stupid.  Who needs a $100 heated coffee mug that you control from your phone?  It turns out lots of women do.  zwoman drinks her coffee really slowly so she ends up microwaving it twice throughout the course of the morning.  Her friends are envious of her Ember mug, which makes her enjoy it even more.  I did well with this one.

PhoneSoap

Your phone is filthy.  You use it in the bathroom, you let your kids use it, you fiddle with it while you're walking the dog or mowing the lawn or fixing your car or running or whatever else you do with dirty hands.  You should clean it from time to time.  PhoneSoap is a case that shines UV light on both sides of the phone and you can charge it in there too.  UV light is commonly used to purify water because it destroys DNA--even the Australians use it!  Again, this sounds silly but it was well-received.

Sneakers

Ladies is pimps too and you should help style them accordingly.  Like this if they're sporty and hip, or like this if they're preppy and crisp, or like this if they're French.

Toto Washlet

Yeah I said it.  And I've been saying it for a while.  Everyone needs a Toto Washlet.  You know who wasn't seriously affected by the toilet paper shortage?  zfamily, because we're one-wipe-done after the Toto takes care of business.  I haven't researched Washlets in a while but my friend's wife asked me to help her pick one out for his birthday and I steered her towards the C200.  She installed it herself as a surprise so you should be able to install one too.  Key features are remote control (as opposed to controls mounted on the side of the seat), oscillating nozzle (oscillating is yooodge), heated water, and heated seat.  Once a woman uses a heated toilet seat she can't go back.  zwoman's homegirls always rave about our warm seat and never pass up a chance to sit on it.  Floss the butt crack, make you shiny, spiffy in a jiff indeed.

A Marlin

Everyone should have a mechanical watch.  The Timex Marlin comes in various sizes and functionalities, and this 34 mm three-hander is great for a woman's wrist.  Swap out the leather strap for a metal bracelet to make it sportier or a nylon NATO to make it more adventurous.  The funky Arabic numerals let you do a lot style-wise, and who doesn't want 34 mm of Marlin in their lives?

Nobody Appreciates Unsolicited Mathsplaining

I am good at math. I am not good at calculus or trigonometry or any of that hard stuff, so don't ask me to explain why the cosecant is the reciprocal of the sine. I'm good at adding/subtracting/multiplying and the like. I'm the guy who will help with a tip or who will congratulate you on your 44th birthday b/c you are halfway between 18 and 70. 

I am also good at going to Dunkin' Donuts. They are ubiquitous in New Jersey. I like their coffee. I like their app. And I always need a PM coffee fix. We have two in my town, and at least three more in the two towns next to us. I go to one every day for that afternoon fix. Mornings are for home-brew. Afternoons are for DD. 

I go to one particular store most of the time. I know the folks there pretty well. I order via the app, pick up my stuff and thank them. Sometimes, I tip them in the tip jar by the To Go orders. Sometimes, I'll spontaneously buy some munchkins for my kids. I usually only ask for a few. They always give me more. Everybody wins. 

I went to my local DD the other day. DD is a franchise. Franchisees set their own prices. Usually, local prices are on top of each other. Sometimes there is an errant price. And I usually notice. Because math. I got in line to order munchkins. I looked at the menu before ordering and got confused. The munchkin pricing made no sense! An order of ten munchkins was $2.49 (a quarter each). An order of fifty was $10.99 ($0.22 each). But what threw me was the order for 25 munchkins. They were asking $6.99 for that size! That, my friends, is $0.28 each. Makes no sense. 

I stepped to the counter. And then I made the mistake. Instead of holding my tongue, I went and tried to mathsplain the pricing issue to the woman behind the counter. I did it w/ a smile and a tone of jovial banter, trying to minimize the annoyingness. But my mask hid my smile. And my tonal intentions may not have resonated with the Filipino woman working the counter. 

I see this woman 3-4 times a week. We were friendly. Emphasis on were. I prefaced my conversation with "I know you don't set the prices, but it doesn't make sense how..." I even broke it down to the "that order is 25 cents each, that one is 28 each and that one is 22 each" level. 

There's a 50% chance the woman understood the mathematical point I was trying to make. But there was a 100% chance she didn't appreciate it. She gave me a terse look and went about her munchkin business. I took my coffees and my bag of munchkins and headed home. When I got home, I counted my munchkins. There were exactly 20 in the bag. Stone cold move by her. That's what I get for mathsplaining.