With those two top of the masthead contributers on the shelf for the next few days it is falling to the second string G:TB'ers to pick up some of the slack. (A little help from Almighty Yojo would be appreciated if that guy could remember his password)
As none of you will remember, several years ago in this space we used the "Dwayne from What's Happening!" football pick strategy to predict the NFL playoffs. I'm not sure how those picks turned out (and I'm too lazy to go back and check) but I thought that we might revisit making gambling decisions based on a totally illogical strategy. Today's slate of top 25 match-ups in college football seems like the perfect place to start.
So, with out further ado, here is the first in a likely non-reoccouring feature called "Marls Picks College Football Games Based on Which Mascot Would Win In a Fight."
#7 Penn State vs. #14 Michigan State (PSU -10)
This is a battle between child molesting "Nittany Lions" vs. Spartans. First of all, fuck Penn State. No really, fuck them and their child molesting cover up bullshit. Thankfully, based on mascot analysis, MSU should kick the everliving crap out of PSU.
It's these guys:
versus a Pennsylvania lion.
Pick: Take the Spartans and the points.
#21 Stanford vs. #25 Washington State (Stanford -1.5)
This game pits some trees against a bunch of cougars. If they were playing cougars like the "cougars in the outfield" made famous by Shlara and KQ, this might be a different story. But, alas Washington State is adamant that their mascot is a feline of some sort. Unfortunately, all that type of cougar can do is pee on the tree.
Pick: Take the nerds and lay the points
#4 Clemson vs. #20 NC State (Clemson -8.5)
At first blush, this match-up might seem to favor the men from South Carolina. Surely a tiger would take down an overgrown dog, right? However, you have to remember that this is a wolf pack we are talking about here.
Here is a bunch of wolves taking down a bison:
Or attacking a guy with meat tied to his body:
Pick: Take the wolf pack getting the points
#5 Oklahoma vs. #11 Oklahoma State (OK St. -1.5)
The annual "Bedlam" game matches up people in a wagon:
against a plastic headed cowboy with a gun.
Seems like a no brainer to me. Folks who lived in sod houses against an honest to goodness cowboy. My only issues is the fact that the OK State cowboy is always depicted as walking bowlegged as if he is really saddle sore or has severe groin area chafing. That type of issue could cause a problem in the long run, but I'm betting on the cowboy having enough talc to get him through an win the day.
Pick: Take the cowboys and lay the wood
#19 LSU vs. #2 Alabama (Bama -21.5)
Ok, so this game features tigers fighting a red tide of some sort. I grew up on Long Island where the shellfish industry is constantly being threatened by "red tide", which is just a really big, gross algae bloom. It looks like this:
Would this bother a tiger at all? How would a tiger take on an algae bloom? I have no clue. Maybe this is a good signal that 21.5 point a shitload of points to lay in a rivalry game.
Pick: No bet
#13 Virginia Tech vs. #10 Miami (Miami -2.5)
This this game matches up turkeys against a storm of immense devastating power. Does not really seem like a fair fight, even when you take into account the fact that the Hokies were once called the Fighting Gobblers. Notwithstanding the fact that the Hokies might be a fighting foul/cock of some sort, I still think the 100+ mph winds of the hurricanes have the edge.
Pick: Take the 'Canes
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