Turning Deez Nuts and Doz Balls Into Cash

Big news in the world of salty nuts! No, Zman did not run out of talc. Kraft Heinz, the poorly named consumer food conglomerate that is struggling to find ways to increase profit margins, is shuffling its portfolio of unhealthy, affordably-priced foods that will keep Americans in various stages of obesity. The company announced today it is selling its Planters (and others) nuts businesses to Hormel for a whopping $3.35 billion. The line had $1.1 billion in sales in 2020. Deez nuts are valuable, my friends. Hormel can pay up because interest rates are stupid low because Jerome Powell is fine with manipulating interest rates to overheat the economy.

In case you wanted to know, its nuts business includes the Mr. Peanut (RIP) Planters brand, as well as its corn nuts business. Corn nuts kinda suck, right? I mean, they can be salted or flavored to make them more palatable, but when you're eating them, you always know you made a suboptimal decision. It's like eating pretzels. 

So Mr. Peanuts now works for Hormel, best known for Spam. The sale also brings the Planters Cheez Balls line to Hormel. While my keto-living self no longer eats processed foods like these, I was ride or die for Cheez Balls for many years.  I ended more than one drunken night by pouring Cheez Balls into a cereal bowl and eating them with a large spoon. That kept my fingers clean. You know, because I'm classy. 

I am enough of a Cheez Balls fan that I want to buy this shirt, especially now that it is a collector's edition b/c the label says Heinz. I assume the Teej owns one of these. Or two.

This deal sets an attractive comp for Pete Schweddy's Schweddy Balls line. No word on them being bought by Ben and Jerry's, after their limited batch ice cream venture. Happy Friday, gents.