Anti-Gheorghe of the Week

I've got daughters. I want them to grow up believing that they can do just about anything, but I'd be a terrible parent if I encouraged them to do things where the most likely outcome by a long, long stretch is that they look like fools. Clueless, naive, desperate fools.

B.J. Wie, you, sir, are a dick.

Michelle Wie plans to play in PGA Tour event

Shortly after a disqualification on the LPGA Tour, Michelle Wie has decided to tee it up against the men — again.

Wie will play in next week's Legends Reno-Tahoe Open in Nevada, the first time she will compete on the PGA Tour this year, tournament organizers said.

It will be Wie's eighth time in a PGA Tour event, and she has yet to make a cut. Wie, who is from Honolulu, made money playing against the men on the Korean Tour in 2006 at the SK Telcom Open.

"It's not every day that a woman is given the opportunity to play on the greatest Tour in the world," Wie said in a statement. "This is a tremendous opportunity for me to learn from these great players and take those lessons into the future to becoming the best player I can be on any tour. This is another step in the process of making me a better player."

"How does it feel to be an independent, Schoenstein?"

"How does it feel to be an asshole, Hillenbrand?"

In an effort to bring you, the DeVry-educated masses, as much bathroom-ready content as possible, today we introduce our newest G:TB feature, the "Anti-Gheorghe of the Week", and honestly, I can think of no better candidate to kick start this than First-Class Asshat Shea Hillenbrand. In fact, Rob and I both agree that Shea should legally change his middle name to Asshat. But that's neither here nor there. We're here to pay tribute to the least Gheorghe guy we can think of, a surly malcontent who poisons every team he is on, yet continues to get jobs because he can adequately hit a baseball. When will GMs learn?

I think most folks are familiar with Shea's past antics, but if not, a quick refresher:

Boston Red Sox (2001-2003)
Shea begins his career in Boston, where he manages to hit for some average and power, but appears deathly allergic to walks (he still has never had more than 25 walks in a season), which cannot make Theo and the boys happy. What probably made Theo even more unhappy was Hillenbrand calling him a "faggot" on talk radio and demanding a trade. Theo obliges, happily I'm sure, moving Shea to the Diamondbacks for the Korean Blown Save, Byung-Hyun Kim in May '03. On his way out of town, Hillenbrand managed to shoot his mouth off one last time, saying the Red Sox would deeply regret letting him go: "They don't know what they have with me. If they get rid of me, they'll know what they have. You've heard of Jeff Bagwell?" By the way, "what they have" turned out to be the AL Batting Champ Bill Mueller. And Shea, Jeff Bagwell is going to the Hall of Fame...you, you're lucky to get free passes to Knott's Berry Farm.

Arizona Diamondbacks (2003-2004)
Hillenbrand produces at a moderate clip in Arizona and, as far as the public knows, doesn't throw any derogatory slurs around or demand any trades. But I'm pretty sure everyone still hates him.

Toronto Blue Jays (2005-2006)
Ah yes, now we've gotten to the part of the story that everyone knows. In July '06, Hillenbrand got pissed at the Blue Jays organization for not congratulating him on the adoption of a baby girl. They also decided not to play him when he got back from said adoption, which of course didn't sit well with the calm, even-keeled Hillenbrand. Being the mature professional that he is, Shea chose not to sit in the dugout that night, but did find time to write inspirational messages on the clubhouse billboard:
"This ship is sinking"
Not surprisingly, manger John Gibbons was non-plussed about Shea's writings... somewhat surprisingly (not to Ted Lilly I guess), Gibbons challenged Hillenbrand to a fight during a team meeting. Adios Shea. Time to try the West Coast.

San Francisco Giants (2006)
He might be a surly curmudgeon and an Asshat (there's that word again), but I guess when you are teammates with Barry Bonds AND Jeff Kent even a guy like Shea can't cause a ripple. However, the Giants saw no need to keep him after a 60 game tryout, so I'm pretty sure everyone still hates him.

Ah, now to the real fun part, Shea's 2007 campaign. Shea Butter is looking to complete the historic SoCal Triple Play, meaning he will sign and fail with all three Southern California baseball squadrons in 2007 (yep, I know he is currently a Dodger...it's called foreshadowing. Trust me, based on his track record, he'll be gone soon enough):
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (2007 - 53 games)
Frankly, I don't know why the Angels signed him in the first place...they sure as hell didn't need his bat, and they definitely didn't need his clubhouse "presence". Amazingly, he lasted 53 games, finally getting designated for assignment in June after being quoted as saying "If I'm not going to play here, give me enough respect to trade me or get rid of me." In July, the Angels waived him. The end of the road, right? Who would ever want this guy? Wait, what, the Padres??

San Diego Padres (2007 - never made it out of the minors)
The Pads signed him to a minor league deal in late July, sending him to the AAA Portland Beavers. They released him two weeks later, mainly because he hit .147 during that time. I'm also willing to bet the minor league guys hated him. A lot. So that's got to be the end of Shea Hillenbrand, Major League Ballplayer, right? Nope...

Los Angeles Dodgers (2007 - 9 games...so far)
Apparently desperate beyond belief for offense, the Dodgers decided that Shea just needed a new SoCal address in order to succeed. It's been 9 games and 32 ABs so far, producing no home runs and 4 RBI. Just wait til Nomar comes back and bumps him from the regular line-up.

Tick...tick...tick...

SHEA MATTHEW HILLENBRAND
KILLED IN L.A. BY HIS OWN TEAMMATES

A Tale of Douchebaggery

"It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times."

December 20, 2004 - Despite being regarded as one of baseball's better GMs (we will not be discussing the Kei Igawa signing today), Brian Cashman swigs a bottle of Nyquil, scans the available free agent pitchers, and is awestruck by the 3.00 ERA and 18-8 record of 28-year-old Carl Pavano, a man once traded for Pedro Martinez (big whoop, he also was traded for Cliff Floyd and Guerrero black sheep family member Wilton). Cashman, obviously high on crack, ignores the fact that Pavano was a sub-.500 pitcher with an ERA closer to 5.00 than 4.00 in his previous 6 big league seasons and signs him to a 4 yr/$39.95 million deal (don't say $40 mil or Carl will get upset).

How has his Yankees career turned out so far? Rather than force a bad analogy on you (probably involving Carrot Top or Pauly Shore), I'll let you decide for yourself:

2005: 17 GS, 4-6 record, 4.77 ERA, 1.47 WHIP
Hmmm, not a great start. Why all the missed games you say? This year he was gone by June with a bum shoulder. Frail doesn't even begin to describe Carl.

2006: 0 GS...what a dick
A misprint you say? Nope. Carl "bruised his buttocks" (I wish I was making that up) in a spring training game and provided ZERO to the Yankees rotation in 2006. He also managed to break two ribs in a car crash during the summer, and waited until the week he was finally supposed to start a game to tell the Yankees.

2007: 2 GS, 1-0, 4.76 ERA, 1.24 WHIP
A work in progress. Well, no, a complete debacle in progress. Is he hurt? Is he faking it? The New York Times claims "Many in the organization believe Carl Pavano wants to have reconstructive surgery even though his elbow may not be damaged enough to require it." This guy is the definition of soft. When Mike Mussina is giving you shit and calling you "American Idle", you know there are problems.

By my count, that is 5 wins as a Yankee, or just under $8 million a win. If the Kevin Brown and Chan Ho Park contracts never happen, I contend Pavano's deal would have to be regarded as the worst contract ever given a pitcher.

Since I, like Carl, haven given up on his 2007 season, I eagerly await the 2008 Carl Pavano Adventure (if he ever pitches for the Yanks again) about as much as I await the release of yet another Larry the Cable Guy movie. Lucky for me, that film opens today (honestly, who greenlights shit like Delta Farce?) Carl plans on attending the premiere with his smoking hot girlfriend, and blowing out his knee squeezing into the aisle middle seat.

"It is a far, far better thing that I (never) do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better (DL) rest that I go to than I have ever known."