zbouillabaise is back

Here are a few interesting things I saw on the interwebs that aren't meaty enough to turn into a post, but if you stew them together they're meaty enough for a serving of zbouillabaise.

1. New Zealand parking lots are intense

A woman collapsed in a New World supermarket parking lot in Orewa, New Zealand.  Her heart stopped--she was dead--but a good Samaritan sprung into action and revived her with chest compressions, then disappeared into the crowd.  An ambulance took her to the hospital so the woman's car remained in the parking lot for about five-and-a-half hours.  You're only allowed 90 minutes in the New World lot so she got an $80 ticket.  Upon learning of her death, resurrection, and hospitalization, the supermarket relented ... by reducing the fine to $30.  Only upon facing public outrage did they withdraw the fine completely.  So if you're ever in New Zealand, make sure you're parked in a no-fee lot if you're planning on going to the hospital after temporarily dying.  Because New Zealand parking lots are intense.

via GIPHY

2. Dale Caldwell is insane

Mikie Sherrill, the governor of New Jersey, released an independent report confirming various improprieties committed by Dale Caldwell, her lieutenant governor, including trying to get a state job for his girlfriend and sexually harassing women on his staff.  The report confirmed that Caldwell asked one of his aides if her friend (who is much younger than him) was single and upon learning that the friend wasn't interested said that young women like them were ambitious and successful and needed a man who was in a position to help them, "but you young women are looking for young sperm."  As Johnny G once said, "I'm no Wilt Chamberlain," but in my experience women are looking for a man with nice eyes and a nice smile, or muscular arms and ripped abs, or a good sense of humor and a warm heart, or a well-paying job and his own place, or a strong sense of honesty and decency.  I've never heard a woman say "I'm looking for sperm" of any variety, let alone young.  Dale Caldwell is insane.  And twixt the time I started writing this and the time it posted, he resigned at Sherrill's request.

via GIPHY

3. Deshaun Watson does not provide good ROI

Deshaun Watson lamented the disrespect fans showed by booing him in the preseason.  "I think the whole world knows it has nothing to do about the performance," Watson said. "It's a little bit [more] personal than that. So I think it's a disrespectful thing. So yeah, I mean, I'm going to keep whatever I feel with me and my family internally on how I feel about that. And yeah, just move on."

I think it's perfectly fine to be disrespectful given his history of sexual assault, but there's also no reason to show him respect for what he's done on the field over the last four seasons.  Here are some numbers (you know I love numbers):

Allen has an asterisk because he played in 68 games but the Damar Hamlin game never finished and thus isn't included in his official stats.  In short, the Browns paid a shit-ton of money for not a lot of performance.  $183M for 19 games!  Here are more numbers:

Watson looks even worse on a dollars-per-stat basis.  $8M per touchdown!  I don't know how to put a dollar value on the picks Cleveland traded for him, including three first rounders, but it's safe to say they got a terrible return on their investment in Watson.  And twixt the time I started doing this math and the time it posted, he has a 112.9 passer rating and a fourth quarter comeback featuring a game-winning drive.

4. Caption this

I invite you to caption this photo of Donald Trump with Xi Jinping and their wives at Joint Base Andrews where Trump had US servicemen literally roll out the red carpet for China's genocidal communist dictator.