TTP Week Three Pick 'Em: Back in Training

We are back once again, with our third installment of the "To The Pain" picks. This week, Mark not only delivered his selections well ahead of time, but he provided you, the loyal G:TB reader, with some bonus action. Danimal, fresh off his stint in China and an overnight at Casa de BaconTeej, provided the bare minimum in effort and prose, but maybe that will be the key in his quest to not get run out of the gym by the tattooed pick 'em savant.

Mark Picks

Tennessee @ Oregon: (-26.5): Another week and another huge line for the Ducks. And I'll happily take them again. On paper Tennessee seems like a more formidable foe than Virginia but a little deeper look tells you that might not be the case. First, this game is in Eugene, one of the best home environments in college football. Secondly, this is an extremely young Volunteer team. They have 18 freshman in their two deep and I don't think I'm breaking any news when I tell you that none of those freshman have ever played in an atmosphere like they'll see on Saturday. Finally, Tennessee's impressive 52-20 victory over Western Kentucky isn't as impressive you learn that the Hilltopper offense turned the ball over 5 times in the span of six offensive plays during the first half of last Saturday's game. You'd be hard pressed to turn the ball over that many times on Madden, even if you were trying (Western Kentucky turned the ball over 7 times total). The point is, I don't think Tennessee is very good. I also think Oregon might be the best team in the country. There's no doubt they're the most explosive (watch the video, Thomas' combination of speed, body control and awareness is otherworldly on his 59 yard jet sweep TD run). The Ducks win big.

Alabama (-7.5) @ Texas A&M: TJ's really letting his editorial power go to his head. First he calls me out for not being as prompt with my picks as he'd like last week and then he demands that Danimal and I pick the Bama-A&M game in this week's column. I thought this was about gambling, not TJ's own personal interests. As usual, I'm wrong. I won't' actually bet on this game because I don't have a strong enough feeling either way. However, if forced to pick (which I am) I'll go with Alabama. Not as much because of the whole tired "revenge" angle (Alabama still won the BCS Title, you know) but because of the second half adjustments that Nick Saban made during last year's loss to the Aggies. Alabama put CJ Mosley on Johnny Manziel as a spy and dropped a safety in the box for much of the second half which limited the rushing opportunities for John Football (h/t @notthefakeSVP) and forced him to beat Alabama's defense over the top. I have no reason to believe that Saban and Alabama DC Kirby Smart haven't come up with a few more defensive wrinkles to make things harder on A&M over the offseason. That, combined with my complete lack of faith in the Aggie defense means the Tide win and cover.

Louisville (-13.5) @ Kentucky: My love for Teddy Bridgewater is well documented. I've been singing his praises in the comments of this fair blog for the past 3 years now. Even his masterful performance in Louisville's Sugar Bowl whipping of my beloved alma mater can't keep me from loving Teddy B. I had the opportunity to see him play in a 7-on-7 passing camp between his junior and senior year of high school and was blown away. He was (to my untrained eye) so much more advanced as a passer than any other high school QB I'd seen. Because I live in Florida and Bridgewater played at one of the premier high school programs in South Florida (Miami Northwestern), I also had the chance to watch him play on TV numerous times during his senior year. I was no less impressed during that time either. Did I think he'd one day be a top candidate to be the first pick in the NFL Draft? I won't say that I projected that but I was very confident he'd be a top flight college QB. By this point, everyone knows about Teddy Bridgewater. And most people know about the schedule of cupcakes that Louisville has in 2013. The Kentucky game ranks as one of their biggest tests. No, really. With that said, I don't think it's going to be much of a test for more than a quarter or two. Kentucky lost to Western Kentucky a couple of weeks ago. The Wildcats are about to lose to another in-state rival, and lose big. Cardinals, Cardinals, Cardinals.

(Bonus picks)

Saints (-3) @ Bucs: The Bucs are a fucking mess. They had a MRSA breakout in their locker room which led to their kicker's wife calling out the organization on Twitter. Their coach may or may not have rigged a team vote to strip the captaincy of their starting QB. That same starting QB missed the team picture two weeks ago. And they lost their first game to the Jets. A game which saw them penalized 13 times (Wasn't Greg Schiano supposed to be all about discipline?), the last of which directly led to the game winning FG for New York and, oh yeah, the offense was openly fighting on the sidelines during the game. Things are just great in Tampa Bay. With all of this going on, the Saints come to town. Did I mention that they Bucs had the worst pass defense in the league last season? No? Well, they did and it doesn't look a whole lot better this year. I fully expect the Saints to throw the ball all over the field on Sunday and drop at least 30 on Tampa. Take your kid's college fund and bet it on the Saints.

Floyd Mayweather (-200) v. Canelo Alvarez: Mayhugh is probably the only other regular G:TB reader who actually cares about this fight. I'm sure he and I care enough for the rest of you guys though. This is the biggest fight in at least the last 5 years. And I'm pumped for it. Not many people are very big Floyd Mayweather fans. He's obnoxious, materialistic and arrogant. He's also a once in a generation talent and, perhaps, the greatest defensive fighter in history. Canelo Alvarez is boxing's young rising star as well as the rare red headed Mexican (I don't now that red heads are rare in Mexico. I just assume as much). This fight has all the makings of a classic. The young up and comer taking on the established superstar near the end of his hall of fame career. I can't wait. I'll take Mayweather in a split decision.

Terrible Sunday Morning Hangover (-250) @ Me: It's a bye week for Florida so I'm taking advantage and heading off to Tampa with some friends to see Depeche Mode. As someone who grew up listening to his sister's Depeche Mode tapes, this is a pretty cool thing. I'm super excited to see a band I've been listening to for over 20 years but have never had the chance to see live. The show doesn't start until Saturday night so we'll be pre gaming with Bama-A&M. Then after the show, we'll be heading over to the Seminole Hard Rock Casino (3 miles from the concert venue and our hotel) for some ill advised gambling and to watch the Mayweather-Canelo fight. All in all, a pretty nice little Saturday (we have even hit Home Depot. I don't know. I don't know if we'll have enough time). Of course, I'll pay the price Sunday morning. This old guy doesn't recover like he once did. The booze will win. It always does.

Danimal Picks

Hmmm, that guy on the far left looks vaguely familiar...

Apologies for the shortness here. It’s been a whirlwind of a week which as you know included a wonderful evening at the Doylestown Inn & Club. If you have the means, I highly recommend a visit.

I actually tried to get ahead of the game on this by looking at the games this Monday, but it didn’t quite work out as planned. If you’re counting at home, you know that Mark is a very impressive 5-1 on the year; Danimal not so much at 2-4. (2-1 on money bets!)

So let’s hop to it.

BC +13.5 vs USC: USC got shellacked last week which brings pure joy to most here. Lane’s a d-bag for sure, one of the biggest. I’m going to give him some benefit of doubt this week though and predict an adjustment of sorts. Throw in a little jet lag and time difference and I’m gonna say USC whacks the inferior athletes of BC. Love me some TROJANS!

Akron +37 vs Michigan: I saw Michigan play last week. And I followed the Akron game too. They played JMU and barely eked out a doubya. Michigan kinda sorta impressed me…the QB is someone I wish was on my team. Michigan scored 41 on ND’s average defense, but I gotta think 100X better than Akron’s right?! Sure it is! I’m taking the Wolverines and givin the points baby!

Paul William "Pug" Bryant

Bama -7.5 vs A&M: Oh boy! It’s so hard to bet against ‘Bama but as Lee Corso would say, “ah fuck it!” Hell, I think we might even see another V by the good guys (A&M). You heard it here first.

Peace.

OH MY GOD...IS THAT...WAIT, IT'S THE GREAT MASKED GUEST PICKER'S MUSIC!!!!

(This was authored prior to this game's postponement.  No matter! Read it!)
Fresno State (-7.5) at Colorado: Flash flooding is hitting Boulder and causing deaths. It’s worst in Lyons, Colorado, which as you know is the home of Dale’s Pale Ale. (Thank goodness for the new Brevard brewery.) The Buffs have bigger things to worry about than football and smoking weed, for once. And the Bulldogs don’t care. Ask Trent Dilfer. Beastie lyric that lets you know who to bet on: Got busy in Frisco, fooled around in Fresno / Got over on your girlie cause you know she never says no. Bulldogs

Stanford (-30) at Army: The Black Knight. The Cardinal. Kind of where Holy Grail meets Spanish Inquisition. Black and red. Like a checkers game. Also, I have done wonderfully dirty things with the Army coach’s niece. Beastie lyric that lets you know who to bet on: Elvis shaved his head when he went to the Army / That’s right y’all his name is Johnny. Kick it. Black Knights

Wagner (+28) at Syracuse: Wagner will attempt to ride the Valkyries and create some magic fire music. Syracuse will manhandle them. But the oracle of the Beasties says 28 is enough. Beastie lyric that lets you know who to bet on: Dropping science like Galileo dropped the Orange. Seahawks

Delaware (+16) at Navy: In the Navy, you can sail the seven seas. Also, I have done wonderfully dirty things with an Admiral’s daughter. Beastie lyric that lets you know who to bet on: My man MCA’s got a beard like Billy the goat, Navy’s mascot (live version). Midshipmen

Nicholls State (+25.5) at Louisiana-Lafayette: Ragin’ Cajun chicken at Popeyes is good. But wait . . . Beastie lyric that lets you know who to bet on: Got the girlies in the Coupe like the Colonels’ got the chickens. Colonels

Alabama (-7.5) at Texas A&M: For real insight, check with Mark or Dan. Here, you can just know that I have done wonderfully dirty things with girls on the crimson tide. Beastie lyric that lets you know who to bet on: Who shall inherit the earth the meek shall / And yo, I think I'm starting to peak now Al . . . (abama). Crimson Tide

Here Be Monsters

For many moons back in our early, less responsible days, Dave (of Sentence of Dave fame) longed for a tattoo of a sperm whale fighting a giant squid. He never made that dream reality, though he does have a badass tat of a lizard ripping its way out of his shoulder. Which is, of course, offset by the Ween tattoo on his leg. The same one that covers up the Cult tattoo originally in the same spot.

I digress.

Dave's dream may once again resurface (terrible pun not intended, but embraced) when he sees the beautiful 16th-century nautical map drawn by Olaus Magnus. Among other things, it features a sea serpent attacking a ship, a kraken, owl whales, and a bizarre creature best described as a "stink-eyed saber-tooth  mohawk fish".

I'll set up the Kickstarter for the piece that'll adorn Dave's back.

Danimal Makes A Friend

Yesterday, G:TB HQ (NoVa campus) hosted the one and only Danimal, fresh off a flight to the states from China. A good time was had by all, and based on this candid photo snapped after many beverages, it looks like Danimal has a new friend:

 

Gheorghe Does NASCAR

This iPhone panoramic photo ain't too shabby. Good work, me.

Saturday night, courtesy of @MaloneHugo, I attended my first NASCAR race, the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond International Raceway. I had a fantastic time, and would happily go to another race in the future, specifically a night race, because oh my god would I melt and die if I had to sit in the stands during a day race (albino Teej and the sun's deadly rays don't play nice together).

[This post was mainly composed yesterday, when I was not massively hungover, but now I am, which means, even less text than I anticipated. OOOH PRETTY PICTURES.]

Richmond is 90 miles from where I live. It took us three and a half hours to get to a tailgate spot - in an industrial park. Hugo wasn't fucking around, and had the tailgate table below up in less than two minutes. He even brought me ketchup. #Bromance #Swoon

Hugo did not mess around with this tailgate, even though it was just the two of us.

Just call me Teej Heston.

We had great seats - 15 rows up from the track. NASCAR is by far the most fan-friendly sport around - you can bring a cooler in with whatever you want. My cooler has 15 Bud Lights. I drank 5 or so. It was heavy. People get shitfaced, but guess what, they don't get in dumbass fights. They're friendly. They like their particular driver, but they don't try to punch the guy wearing a Kyle Bush shirt in the face. Oh, they also like to take said shirts off. Shirtlessness is a way of life at these races, it seems. But only for the dudes. For shame.

Fans just chillin with the drivers, an hour before the race. Absurd.

I took two pictures of pit row. No, I don't know why.

Our seats were pretty phenomenal, 15 rows up between the Start/Finish line and Turn 1.

It's NASCAR, so you've gotta have a guy parachute in with an American flag. Thanks, Obama.

This is not Weenie. But he did this exact same thing Friday night at the Nationwide race.

I'm pretty sure it is a requirement to have a flyover at a NASCAR race. However, folks were very disappointed these were simply bomber planes, not jet fighters.

I could have a year's worth of "Fashion is Dumb" posts from this race. Below, find just a few choice pics.

Yeah, the guy in front of me was rockin' this Duck Dynasty shirt. proudly.

It's hard to see, but that is an inflatable Cheez-It sombrero. I was quite jealous.

Girls, you're missing half your shirts.

Went to s state fair, and a NASCAR race broke out.

Longest line of the night, which I gleefully stood in while pounding a Bud Light.

Deep fried cookie dough is still the top dog, but these deep fried Oreos are a solid #2 seed.

FAN OF THE NIGHT

It's a shame I didn't get a better pic, because this dude was fan of the night. That "hat" actually lit up.

IT'S REALLY LOUD - this was my attempt to capture the loudness of the race. Seriously, when those cars first fly by, your entire body shakes. I eschewed ear plugs for a walkman, attempting to listen to the race on the radio. I could barely hear the broadcast. My right ear has still not recovered.



Sorry this post was delayed. And that it lacks substance. I'm tired. I've forgotten half the shit I wanted to include in this post.
Anyone have some Advil?

Viva Columbus

While we await the Doofus Overlord's opus on his trip deep into NASCAR country, a brief bit of outrage for you in advance of this evening's US/Mexico hexagonal qualifier.

U.S. defender Matt Besler was given a yellow card in Friday night's loss to Costa Rica, meaning that he's suspended for tonight's match. Skip ahead to the 5:38 mark in the video below to see what Besler did to earn the caution:



Joel Campbell, karma is a bitch. Watch your back.

Tonight's match kicks off at 8:00 from Columbus Crew Stadium. It's televised on ESPN. No excuse for a patriotic bunch like you not to watch it. With a win and a nearly-certain Honduras win or tie against Panama, the U.S. books its ticket to the World Cup.

Dropping Science, Art, and Pants

We welcome the National Football League back into our lives today, and prepare to surrender our Sundays to the self-serious pomp and pageantry orchestrated by its media partners. And while we celebrate the game and its attendant rituals, we at G:TB pause today to also pay homage to one of the NFL's under publicized sideshows. As we hunker down on our couches, in our bars, at our stadiums with grilled meats, rich cheeses, lagers, ales, chips, dips, and any number of other delicious and gastrointestinally punishing fare, let us today remember one of our own.

Gentlemen (ladies, you want no part of this), today we fart.

In his new book, Curious Behavior, Yawning, Laughing, Hiccuping, and Beyond, Robert R. Provine examines flatulation from both scientific and artistic perspectives. Provine, Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, confesses that he was initially skeptical of his subject matter.

"My foray into fart science is a bit timid. The mere inclusion of the topic threatens to lower my intellectual tone. A confluence of circumstances forced the subject on me.", explains Provine in an excerpt of his book presented in Salon.com. But Provine's no shrinking violet, and we as men are better for it.

His fart-based work ranges from the surprisingly sublime to the predictably ridiculous. Provine profiles Joseph Pujol, a Frenchman who performed at the famed Moulin Rouge under the stage name Le Petomane (translated as 'fartomatic'). Pujol was the most famous and highly compensated performer in Paris at his peak in the late 19th and early 20th century. I tried figure out how to paraphrase Provine's description of Le Petomane's act, but I don't know how to top this:

Le Pétomane’s act was full of novelty, comedy, and virtuosity. At his peak, Le Pétomane easily outearned the great actress Sarah Bernhardt, his closest contender. And what was the act of this artist who “pays no author’s royalties”? He would begin with a series of ordinary farts, describing each in turn— a little girl, a mother-in-law, a bride on her wedding night (weak) and on the morning after (loud), tearing cloth, cannon fire, and thunder. With a tube inserted in his rectum, he would smoke a cigarette or attach a flute and play tunes. But his real artistry was accomplished au naturel.

Le Pétomane’s repertoire included animal sounds— a rooster crowing, a puppy, a dog with its tail caught in a door, a blackbird, an owl, a duck, bees, a tomcat, a toad, a pig, and musical instruments including violin, bass, and trombone. The climax of Le Pétomane’s performance was a stirring rendition of “La Marseillaise” that brought down the house. He made audiences delirious with joy, writhing in their seats, tears streaming, with some fashionably dressed and corseted women so overcome that they were carried into hallways to be revived. Amazingly, no part of his performance was faked, as he once demonstrated in the nude before a panel of earnest and curious physicians.

The author's treatment of the subject is wide-ranging and thorough, spanning Roman laws against flatulence to detailed descriptions of the biological causes and variety of farts, and name-checking Louis Armstrong and Wynton Marsalis. Writes Provine with respect to the latter, "An adventurous musical acquaintance acknowledged that a tone can indeed be produced by farting into a trumpet, creating a middle C, but further details were not forthcoming from this wary pioneer of the butt-trumpet."

I bet Peter Konz can clear a room

Provine also digs into more sobering matters, explaining, "On a more serious note, a gassy gut can be fatal, as it was for a patient having a colonic polyp cauterized. An electric spark caused the patient’s bowels to detonate, blasting out the colonoscope and ripping a six- inch hole in the patient’s large intestine" In other words, gaaaaaah.

Humans aren't the only animals that fart, as anyone who's ever had a dog knows well. But Provine tells of a creature so advanced as to use ass-gas as a communications mechanism. "So far, signaling by fart is reported only in certain herring."

Which is a shame, because there will come a time this afternoon when Matt Ryan puts his hands under Peter Konz's taint and the Superdome crowd is in full throat, making verbal communication next to impossible. A well-timed burst of gas could speak volumes.

If only Ryan were an herring.

"To The Pain" Pick 'Em: Week 2

Well, here we are ago...another round of Danimal vs. Mark, for the opposite of all the marbles. Despite jumping on a slow boat to China, Dan was able to get his picks in before the commies limited his access to Al Gore's world wide web. Regarding that trip, he seems really fired up: "Am excited to be missing the 2nd wkd of cfb with another trip to China. Going dark in 3….2…..1….."



DANIMAL

Well, I’ve cleaned myself off after getting ass whacked last week. If you don’t recall, BadNews Hughes went 3-0 to my oh-fer. Hopefully that will be corrected this week, but until then, go with Marks’ picks.

ND +3.5 at Mich (Dan made sure to send this early in the week, so he could "lockdown" the 3.5-point spread. Little did he know we are not a recognized Sportsbook)
My first instinct with the Irish last week was to no way in hell pick them. But I did. Rees did though have a nice game with no turnovers and a record day in passing yardage with 346 of ‘em. The talk pre-Temple was all about ND’s D with Tuitt & Nix and their 6 other returning starters. Well Temple had 3 drives of over 50 yards (54, 65, & 74). Two of those resulted in missed field goals and the other a touchdown. Temple had 360 some yards of offense. Temple. That’s a concern. Notre Dame missed two kicks of their own, also a concern. One of the kicks could have been made by Oscar Pretorius. Meanwhile, Michigan won its opener by its largest margin in over 100 years. Granted, it was against Central Michigan of the MAC, but a 50-point beatdown is a 50-point beatdown. Michigan is hosting ND after losing last year, and amidst much talk between the two schools and the rivalry that is about to end. Brady Hoke and his guys will be a little more motivated than normal. Throw in a few missed FG’s by the good guys and you’ve got a Michigan win by 5+. MICHIGAN

WVU +20.5 vs OK
The second I saw this, I felt this was a “LOCK”, with or without last week’s showing against the Wrens. I just don’t think WVU is any good at all. Admittedly, the pick is flawed b/c it’s not about how good OK is but how bad WVU is. Well, tough titties. WARNING: This line is inflated entirely as a result of their debut in Motown. Oklahoma is nothing special and is starting a redshirt freshman that completed something like none of his passes last week. Well, not none but 11, 11 of 28 in fact. OKLA

Boston College +3 vs Wake
With this being the first year of this little competition, we haven’t laid down many rules. For example, it hasn’t been established that we can’t pick the Over/Under. The O/U here is 48.5 Both of these teams STRUGGLED against weaker FBS opponents last week. Granted, Villanova is no cream puff but Presbyterian, well, Wake trailed 14-7 at one point and they were 38 point faves, guy! You might see better football in your kid’s shoolyard. You and Julio, watching Pop Warner football, down at the schoolyard. Need some back to school shoes for that your cheeldren….take the UNDER and treat ‘em to something….REAL NAACE!

COMING...SOMETIME...MARK'S PICKS...

So yesterday The Teej emailed me to see if I'd have my picks in on Thursday or Friday. I told him it was most likely going to be Friday afternoon. Of course, he said he was cool with that and added something along the lines of "not rushing you". Fast forward to just after 1 pm today when I see myself mentioned in one of TJ's many tweets. This tweet in particular was for the blog post you're reading, and it was calling me out for being delinquent. My first reaction was "What a dick.". But then I thought about it a little more and realized TJ was probably just reacting to Rob's demand for a new post. So…fuck you TJ. Fuck you worse, Rob. Now onto the picks!

Oregon (-23) @ Virginia- Did you know Cavalier coach Mike London used to be a cop? Well, he was! And you're going to here about that between 10 and 200 times tomorrow afternoon. Especially in the second half when Oregon is rapidly pulling away from Virginia and turning this game into a laugher. Speaking of laughs, Oregon TB and track star De'Anthony Thomas is one of the few athletes worth following on Twitter. There's some of your typical athlete "Rise &Grind" bullshit but there's also some things that give you insight into one of the nation's best players and his personality. He goes by @EATBLACKMOMBA6. Check him out, if you're into the whole Twitter thing. Back to football, De'Anthony Thomas is stupid fast, Marcus Mariota is the best QB that Oregon has had since Chip Kelly took over in Eugune (I know, Kelly isn't there anymore but his offense still is) and, in my opinion, one of the country's best and TE Colt Lyerla is a freak of nature. Oregon's good and they make giving up 23 points on the road look enticing. DUCKS.

West Virginia @ Oklahoma (-21)- Another big spread. I have to admit, when I saw Danimal San took the Sooners I became a little worried. Both of us were clearly influenced by the struggles of Dan Holgorsen and Co. against the #PantlessGriffins last weekend. Now, I doubt Dana will be as hungover for this week's game. Noon starts are murder on him but I also don't think it will matter. The now somewhat overrated Bob Stoops doesn't lose very often in Norman and the Mountaineers aren't very good this season. You know what is good though? The Bridge. I've made it throughout 6 episodes and I'm all in. Why do I bring this up? Because Jame Gumb is one of the main characters on The Bridge. And, to me, Dana Holgorsen looks a lot like a young Jame Gumb in Silence of the Lambs. THE MOUNTAINEERS PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET OR THEY GET THE HOSE!!!

Western Kentucy (+13) @ Tennessee- Do you know who coaches Western Kentucky? Bobby Petrino. Yes, that Bobby Petrino. The same guy who quit midseason on the Atlanta Falcons and blew up the most promising season in the last 40 years of Arkansas Razorback Football when he crashed his motorcycle because a young assistant from his office was sitting behind him on said motorcycle and went for the reach around (at least that's always been my guess). So, Bobby Petrino is pretty clearly an awful dude. An awful dude who's an extremely good football coach. This job is just a stopover for Petrino. His track record of success at the college level is just too good to ignore. Somebody is going to come calling for Petrino this offseason. I guarantee it. Until then though, Petrino can make you some money. He beat the spread, and Kentucky, last week. He's going to do one, and possibly both, again this week. Butch Jones has the Volunteers moving in the right direction but you don't recover from 4 years of Derek Dooley overnight. HILLTOPPERS.

Fantasy Football 2013: In Spiller We Trust

So, it seems Team G:TB has a favorite fantasy football player this year, Buffalo Bills running back C.J. Spiller. Despite Spiller being a member of a downtrodden franchise with an untested rookie at quarterback and a dude who captained Syracuse last year as his head coach, quite a few of us found it necessary to add Spiller to our 2013 fantasy rosters. This can only mean one thing for poor Mr. Spiller (and our teams): CATASTROPHIC DISASTER.

The Curse of G:TB is very real, so you can expect Spiller's knee to implode sometime during his Week 3 contest with the laughable Jets "team". Let's take a look, then, at which of us will have a sad when Spiller inevitably goes down and ruins our fantasy season:

zroster:
As it was explained to us in an email, zman is in an "an ancient home run league. Not standard or PPR." What the fuck does that mean, you ask? I'll let him explain: "You get points for TD with bonuses based on length. Out of position scores (e.g., rushing TD by a WR or QB) count double. Before you tell me this is stupid, note that the league is over 20 years old and back then scoring was a pain in the ass without the internet." It should be noted that zman wisely added Fred Jackson as the handcuff to the Spiller selection, 'cause he's a Bills fan, and knows what is going to happen to poor Mr. Spiller.

Teej roster:

I'm in a PPR keeper league, and because of my rock solid second-to-last showing last year had the #2 pick in this year's draft. The guy picking #1 surprised me by taking Calvin Johnson, so I was actually left with a quandary: take Spiller, or LeSean McCoy, who I had just assumed would be the only viable back left for me at #2. Because I waffled and took Spiller over McCoy, you just know Spiller is going down. However, I too took Jackson as a handcuff.

Mark roster:

Mark is apparently too lazy to send us his entire roster. Or tell us whether he is in a PPR or Standard scoring league. Asshole.

Clarence roster:

Actually, Mark looks great compared to Clarence, who told us he does have Spiller on his fantasy roster, but apparently can't manage to take a screen shot of his team. Solid work, chief. [AFTERNOON UPDATE: Clarence has risen...and sent his roster.]

Anyone else out there in the G:TB Universe have Spiller on their roster? Want to commiserate with us chumps before the injury occurs? Join us in the comments and let us know.

#PantslessGriffin - let's make this hashtag a thing

So, during William and Mary's almost victory over West Virginia on Saturday, I took to twitter to remind the college football viewing community that the Tribe's mascot is actually a horrific mythological creature who has lost his pants. All of his pants. Folks were both appalled and entertained, including Holly Anderson over at Grantland. She even noted that she would love to see the #PantslessGriffin hashtag become a thing, and who am I to object. Therefore, as part of the process, I've jazzed up the image below, just to get the ball rolling...


Free Photo Editor

By the way, this is just filler for the filler I have coming later this morning. POST COUNT, BITCHES.

Copenhagen: It's More than Just Danish and Dip

If you paid close attention to the comments last week you might recall that I went to Copenhagen for a few days. At rob's insistence I've posted up this post in which I conclude that Copenhagen gets it done.

The flight from the eastern US to Copenhagen is painfully long and expensive. My pain was partially assuaged by the beautiful stewardesses on my Scandinavian Airlines flight. If you go be sure to fly SAS. Sure, one of the plane's landing sensors broke on the way there, necessitating a landing in sunny Gotesburg Sweden to get it fixed before we could land in foggy Copenhagen, and the plane that was supposed to take me home broke so thoroughly that I had to wait 2 hours for a replacement plane to arrive from China ... but the women of SAS make the risk worthwhile.

Beautiful women are a theme in Copenhagen. Even with my detour through Sweden I arrived at my hotel 5 hours before my room was ready, which gave me time to roam the streets and absorb the sights. Everyone gets around on bicycle in Copenhagen, so everyone no one is fat and all the women have toned legs. The locals are genetically blessed with flawless skin, blond hair, long legs, and straight teeth. The time spent biking in the sun gives them all a uniform tawny sheen. Remarkably, none freckles or moles, just evenly bronzed dermis all around. I got a leisurely lunch of steak and fries at an outdoor café, drinking beer in the sun and watching relentless streams of perfect blond girls pedal by. They were so abundant that you could start a Tumblr as specific as "pretty blonds with braided ponytails and blue skirts on bicycles" or "pretty girls with platinum blond hair wearing green adidas on bicycles" or "pretty girls with sandy blond hair carrying a guitar on a Cannondale" and get three entries every two minutes.

One of my colleagues noted that if he wasn't married he wouldn't leave. And I think he was serious. Another colleague immediately agreed and I guarantee that guy wasn't joking. If you know any young guys who are deciding what to do after they graduate from college, you're doing them a disservice if you don't tell them to backpack through Denmark. You have to see it to believe it. All 7's and above, and based solely on the sounds coming from the room next to mine they engage in robust and vocally demonstrative coitus. And no, I didn't take any pictures of ladies, despite rob's insistence. I'm not that creepy. Our distaff readers will also like to hear that the men in Denmark are similarly blond, tall, fit, tanned, and plentiful. I just didn't pay as much attention to them.

After the shock of the transition from the women in Newark to the women in Denmark wore off, I realized that Copenhagen felt like home. The cobblestones and bicyclists remind me of Nantucket and I wound up in a touristy area much like Downtown Crossing. Also quite Bostonian was the juxtaposition of old and new architecture with the ocean as an omnipresent backdrop:

Then I saw this:

That's right, Copenhagen has a Dubliner! I fit right in. I also fit right in because I visited in the middle of a schmuck-fest. Seriously, here's what I got with my lunch menu:

I think Copenhagen would be a better venue for a schmuck-off than a schmuck-fest, especially given the quality of the women and this "slutspurt" store:

But I'll let the Danes sort that out. Perhaps unsurprisingly, many men carry dip and the breakfast pastries were outstanding. I sampled many and here's my favorite, an apricot confection coated with previously unencountered delicious seeds:

Also excellent was the smoked salmon, which I ate on multiple occasions and which was always impressive. All other foods were made out of cow and they were not as impressive.

Copenhagen was a bit lacking musically. I should have done this, at a minimum for purposes of this post, but I didn't. Instead I went to a record store where they sold actual records. The first one I saw was, natch, this:

You can take the boy out of Teaneck ... anyway, the track listing on this set is impressive:

Less impressive was the rest of the store and its inordinate focus on metal:

In case you're curious, here's the #1 album in Denmark as of last week:

I did my due diligence on Denmark in Denmark and learned that the most famous Danish musical act is ... Aqua! "Who the fuck is Aqua?" you ask! This is Aqua:



Probably not up your alley. Also from Denmark and just as unbearable: Volbeat!



I'd wager that some of you enjoyed that jam; it might even be TR's ringtone. Somewhere in the middle is up-and-comer Carpark North:



Not exactly my kind of thing but it could have some mass appeal in the bland hinterlands of northern Virginia.

If you need one more reason to go to Denmark ... they love cosplay.

So there you have it, a ringing endorsement of all things Danish from the grumpiest guy you know.

Happy Labor Day

Labor Day in the United States, as you know, is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. Ironically, or perhaps fittingly, most of us try to spend it performing as little actual labor as humanly possible.

In that spirit, here's a post that required almost no effort. I promise Clarence that I'll do better soon.

As Labor Day signifies the effective, if not actual, end of Summer, Sirius XMU released Indie Summer Top 15 yesterday. Don't know if I agree with their number one, though the band did release some terrific stuff this summer - I'd have gone with 'Ya Hey' - but, hey, here you go:




Let's hear your favorite songs of Summer 2013 in the comments. I loved Haim's stuff, and Chvrches, too. And I confess that Blurred Lines is a guilty pleasure. What else?

Mats!

Paul Westerberg and Tommy Stinson played together for the first time in 22 years last Sunday. This qualifies as awesome. They'll play two more shows (Chicago, 9/15, and Denver, 9/22) as part of Riot Fest. They also just released a four-song EP entitled "Songs for Slim" to raise money for former guitarist Slim Dunlap, who suffered a stroke last year.



You can stream the entire set here. Pretty good way to recover from a hangover.

Danimal vs. Mark: CFB "To The Pain" Weekly Pick 'Em

"First things first, to the death."
"No. To the pain."
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Mark and Danimal, considering themselves some sort of college football gambling savants, have decided they want to do a weekly college pick 'em post. Who are we to turn down content, so what the hell...when will we ever be in Haiti again? Let's jump right in with the Week 1 picks:

First up, Winchester's finest, whose refusal to follow the rules laid out to him by myself and the diminutive dictator mean we need to post this before Friday night's action. Thanks, Danimal, you big jerk...

W&M + 32 at WVU
At the time of this selection, Thursday at noonish, the line on the W&M/WVU game is at 32. I really want to bet W&M. I hope they make it a game, but at 32…. I. Jes. Cah. Dew’h Capn! 35.5, sure. Despite the shitshow that is Dana Holgorson and all that comes with it, I have to go with the ‘eers. I think there is a great chance I will regret this. As of just the other day, the guy wasn’t even sure who he was going to start at QB. He said he doesn’t know who his team is yet. Throw in the fact they lost I don’t know, 40 points a game with the loss of Geno? Yeah, sure, I’ll take West Virginia.

Texas Tech -4.5 at SMU
I know virtually nothing about either of these teams but I think highly of June Jones. It’s a big home opener for the ‘Stangs with two relatively high-scoring teams. This is one of those quick-look gut bets that does wonders for a bookie’s income. A home dog with imo a better coach and a home opener….I am compelled to take SMU.

Temple +29.5 at ND
This is torturous. Whatever wagering “strategy” I take with the Irish each year, I lose. Pre 2012, I was almost always betting on ND against the spread. Last year, I did the opposite…. Both were poor decisions. Last year I didn’t care though b/c they were winning.
Here’s the dillio. I like Tommy Rees. Notre Dame is very fortunate that he is the go-to guy after Golson’s temporary vacation (he’s been suspended for the semester for “poor academic judgment”) You may not realize this, but Rees played in 11 of their games last year and if it weren’t for him, they likely would have lost 2-3 games prior to getting sodomized in South Beach. Their wins against Purdue, Stanford, and Michigan had a whole bunch to do with Tommy coming in as a relief guy to get moving what Everett couldn’t. He’s 14-4 as a starter. He’s a senior this year with some pretty impressive stats – 2nd all-time completion %’age in a season (65.5%); in 2011 he completed 135 consecutive passes without an INT, ironically; if he were to end his career today, he’d be the all-time completion percentage leader at ND. And no, that does NOT include the completions he has thrown to defenders. On the flip side, this same guy threw fourteen (14) INT’s during his 2011 season. I’m trying to remember how many times were in the red zone - it was somewhere between A LOT and WHY IS HE STILL PLAYING. It wasn’t less than 6 for sure and possibly as many as 8. He fumbled the ball 5 times. He was personally responsible for 19 turnovers. N-N-N-N-Nineteen. Nineteen. Somewhat in his defense, he was sacked 13 times and was rushed at least a bazillion. His decision making was let’s say, poor.
My stance at the beginning here was that until Tommy proves me wrong, he will keep the “Turnover” moniker and thus I can’t bet on him/them. But I talked myself out of it. Tommy is going to have a terrific game. He’s all growed up. Plus he has a top-5 defense, a solid receiving corp, and oh yeah, they’re playing Temple. Temple scores a trash touchdown at the end to lose 49-10.
No, no, no. Go with initial instinct. Make him prove you wrong! Remember Tulsa? South Florida? or was it Central Florida? How about the bowl game against FSU? Stinky. They will likely lose the turnover battle. Lose it by 1 and that’s possibly a 10-14 point swing. Ten points equals Temple covering!
Fuck that…it’s TEMPLE! They could lose the turnover battle by 3 but it won’t matter because Temple will not score more than 10 points!
Irish – 42-10. Final final.

And now on to the tattooed one's selections. See Danimal, your combatant actually picked all Saturday games. Thanks for coloring between the lines, Mark.

Toledo (+23.5) over Florida: I don't bet on Florida games. I'm already too invested in the result of a Gator Football game without having money riding on it. And I'd feel dirty if I bet against Florida. That doesn't mean you should feel bad about betting against my alma mater here. I've already expressed some of my concerns with the Gator offense in the G:TB comments but to sum it up, they're missing two starting OLineman and the only experienced tailback. Not a good recipe for any offense, much less one that wants to rely heavily on the running game. On top of that, Toledo returns 9 of 11 starters on offense, including a senior QB who threw for nearly 2,700 yards last year and a tailback that rushed for almost 1500 yards. I don't expect the Rockets to win, but I do expect this game to be fairly close late. Take the Rockets and those 23.5 points and make some drinking money for yourself.

Boise State (+3.5) at Washington: Washington just finished a multi-million dollar renovation project on Husky Stadium, which was already one of the most unique settings in college football. Now, its state of the art and unique. More importantly, Steve Sarkisian has the Washington Football program headed back towards the top of a suddenly very competitive and strong PAC-10 (the second best conference in the nation this year, in my opinion). After struggling to live up to lofty expectations last year, I expect both Washington and QB Keith Price to enjoy success this season. I just don't think they beat Boise in this spot. Boise and Chris Peterson live for these types of showcase games. And they don't get many chances at them. This is the game I'm most excited about on Saturday, which is too bad because there's a 99% chance I'll be hammered by the time this thing kicks off at 10 PM EST. I doubt I'll see the end of this one but I'll take Boise and the points.




Virginia Tech vs. Alabama: (-21): 21 points is a lot of points to lay for a neutral site game between two well known college football programs. That's not nearly enough to scare me off from Alabama. Alabama has been a wrecking ball in these season opening neutral site games. The Crimson Tide also have to best QB they've ever had under Nick Saban and the best collection of skill position players since they could trot out Mark Ingram, Trent Richardson and Julio Jones at the same time. In terms of depth, you could make the case that this group is even better. On the other side, Virginia Tech has never been known for their wide open offensive style. And while Logan Thomas has every physical tool you could ever ask for in a QB, he's not very good at actually playing QB. Alabama rolls.
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Bite Me, Randy Newman: Righting Wrongs

This blog has been in existence for nearly 10 years. We're nearing a million total views of the 2,726 posts we've published. And we owe the world an enormous apology.

HOW IN THE FUCK HAVE WE NEVER CELEBRATED TIM KURKJIAN?!?!?

There are very few people in any walk of life who love what they do more than Kurkjian. His devotion to baseball borders on obsessive - in fact, obsessives border on Kurkjianesque. From 1989 to 2010, he spent 15 minutes every morning clipping box scores from the newpaper and pasting them into notebooks. His giddy, lunatic exaltation ("Wes Littleton got the save!") after Texas' 30-3 win over Baltimore in 2007 is the stuff of legends. I daresay there aren't two dozen more Gheorghey people on the planet.



Kurkjian's passion for his work is enough by itself to make us like him, but he's also among the most self-effacing members of a press corps that's mostly anything but. Can you imagine Chris Berman allowing himself to be subjected to this:



And if that weren't enough, though he's a diminutive fellow, standing a sturdy 5'5", he's noted as a hard-nosed and more than decent basketball player. From 1986 to 1989, Kurkjian was a regular in Cal Ripken's legendarily serious pickup hoops runs. "The reason Cal invites me is that I always pass the ball to the open man," Kurkjian says. "Cal's like that, too. He always wants to get the job done, and he wants it done the correct way."

I'm reminded every time I hear Kurkjian's unique voice how much I enjoy and respect his approach. And more often than not, I'm moved to at least a smile. On Tuesday, I was moved nearly to tears of laughter, when ESPN's Scott Van Pelt dropped his well-honed Baltimore mock-accent on the unsuspecting Kurkjian. Fast forward to the 5:10 mark in this clip. It'll make you happy.

Our sincere, befuddled apologies to both Kurkjian and America for this egregious oversight.

And Bite Me, Randy Newman.

(In other BMRN news, 5'1" Canadian midfielder Diana Matheson of the Washington Spirit - number 9 in your program, number one in my daughter's heart - was named to the inaugural National Womens Soccer League Best XI after tallying 8 goals and 3 assists. I saw her slot a low-angled shot past Hope Solo to give the Spirit a 1-0 win over the latter's Seattle Reign. I think I heard her whisper to Solo, "Bite Me, Randy Newman", as she celebrated the game-winner.)

People of Rosslyn, VA: Please stop trying to poison rob

Seems someone in Rosslyn might be taking squirrel population control into their own hands, and that's not good news for our Tiny Dictator, who is unable to distinguish poison pills from nuts. The folks at the Ode Street Tribune blog are asking you, dear citizens of Rosslyn, to stop poisoning squirrels, Charles Bronson vigilante style.

Oh yeah, this quote cracked me up:

Squirrels face deadly attacks from hawks. Hawks face deadly attacks from their shadows in windowpanes. Don't add to the violence that already exists in the world.

All I'm saying is, you keep knocking off his kind, and rob's gonna send Moose and Rocco to rough you up...

Quick Hitters

On the eve of a new football season, FOG:TB and all-around Renaissance Man Dave Fairbank offers a preview of the Tribe's season-opener/couch-burner at West Virginia in today's Daily Press.

If you're looking for other great coverage of W&M Football, you've definitely come to the wrong place. May we commend to you, though, the really excellent work being done at Shades of 48, which is rapidly surpassing us as the leading W&M sports blog on the internet. Not the leading W&M hoops/dipshittery blog, though. No sir.