Viva Abe

Happy Memorial Day, America. Long live our Abe Lincoln.

BONUS ABE PICS 

A Blog Divided Against Itself Cannot Stand

Abraham Lincoln rode through the streets of our nation's capital yesterday.  The man who once gave us such notable wisdom as:

• Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. 
• Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. 
• And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. 
• Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other. 
• You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time. 
• Whatever you are, be a good one. 
• Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.
• Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.

...was heard to utter yesterday, simply:

"Burgers at the Cowboy Cafe with Marls and rob were conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that not all burgers are created equal. We here highly resolve that this summit shall not have been attended in vain — that this blog, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that blogging of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

Video above shows Abe cruising through town.

Booze, Pot, Presidents: A Memorial Weekend Digest

Just back from a week-long trip to the Twin Cities - can't wait to catch up on what I've missed in this space. Before I settle in to do that, a few items in preparation for the year's first long weekend that matters.

Jonathan Howland is a prince among men, and deserves a Nobel Prize for contributions to society. Howland was one of the first researchers to study hangovers in detail, and his pioneering work led to the foundation of the Alcohol Hangover Research Group (AHRG) in 2009. Since then, the confederation has done God's work on a topic of great interest to many of us this weekend and every other. In recent years, researchers have made significant advances in understanding the provenance of the hangover. As Wired.com notes, "Best of all, AHRG’s researchers have begun to converge on a promising ­theory about what really causes hangovers: namely, that they’re an inflammatory response, like what happens when we get an infection."

UCLA postdoc Jing Liang has gone further, identifying a chemical compound that reduces the effects of alcohol on the body. It seems likely that we're mere years away from solving one of social man's most pressing challenges, making a pleasant weekday drunk no more impactful to a fellow's next-day productivity than a nice weed buzz.

Speaking of which, we're about to go all small sample size on you in an effort to celebrate common sense and libertarian wisdom. Opponents of marijuana legalization warned that recent legal liberalization would lead to increases in crime and societal ills. In Denver, at least, the early returns suggest that Colorado's repeal of pot prohibition is having the opposite effect.

According to a story by German Lopez at Vox.com, "Since retail sales of recreational marijuana began in Colorado, revenues from marijuana sales have continued trending up. At the same time, crime in Denver, home of most recreational marijuana shops in the state, has dropped nearly across the board."

The following charts tell the story better than my words could:

Finally, and completely, clearly, and obviously unrelated to anything else in this post, one of our number will once again do his patriotic duty this Monday. We're looking forward to celebrating our 16th President by making him walk Teejay's dog.

All the best to you and yours this Memorial Day Weekend from us and ours at Team G:TB. See you in the comments.

Memorial Day Weekend, the Official Start of Summer**

Happy Friday, Gheorghies. Tiny Dictator demanded some holiday weekend filler, so here's a random sampling of shit about summer (kinda, sorta)...

(Literal) Summertime jam:



Welcome to the O.C.

 

Look, an Olympian

 

A good summer-related song used in the opening to that movie with the "Snakes on a Plane" guy and the "Moonlighting" dude

 

**I have no idea if that still holds true. Maybe summer starts May 11th, what the fuck do I know?

Holding on for a Hero

MSNBC's Chris Hayes touched off a predictable furor on the interwebs and Twitter last weekend when he struggled to express his discomfort with the words we use to describe our soldiers in combat. As part of a longer segment on Memorial Day, Hayes said,

I think it's interesting because I think it is very difficult to talk about the war dead and the fallen without invoking valor, without invoking the words "heroes." Why do I feel so [uncomfortable] about the word "hero"? I feel comfortable -- uncomfortable -- about the word because it seems to me that it is so rhetorically proximate to justifications for more war. Um, and, I don't want to obviously desecrate or disrespect memory of anyone that's fallen, and obviously there are individual circumstances in which there is genuine, tremendous heroism: hail of gunfire, rescuing fellow soldiers and things like that. But it seems to me that we marshal this word in a way that is problematic. But maybe I'm wrong about that.

Hayes is one of the smartest, nuanced, and thoughtful commentators on the airwaves, which likely means his on-air career will be a short one in this awful era. His Memorial Day message was somewhat inartful, given that it seemed he was working out his own feelings on the fly, and the timing poor, but I didn't find the commentary particularly offensive. Still, he was compelled by the furor to apologize - in a manner both measured and appropriate.

There are any number of heroic acts committed by the impossibly brave, scared, stubborn, and proud men and women who fight our wars (like this dude - total badass). But blanket labels of 'hero' do disservice to true heroism. Almost to a man and woman, American soldiers are dedicated, patriotic, and professional. Their service should be celebrated. But 'hero' is lazy shorthand co-opted by too many on both sides of political arguments to avoid real, hard conversations.

My Dad is buried in a field of honor, surrounded by hundreds of thousands of other men and women who did their jobs every day. He was a hero to me and my sister, but he'd be pissed if you called him that. He just did his part, and like thousands of dedicated american military personnel, he never saw combat first-hand.

In the heated rhetoric of our age, Chris Hayes is some kind of week-kneed America-hating proto-liberal. It says more than enough about our current society that we can't deal with the substance of his statement rationally. Hayes' show this weekend will also deal with the military/civilian divide - I hope people will watch and actually listen with open minds. But I'm not counting on it.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

A Memorial Day post, G:TB-style

I hope everyone is enjoying their long holiday weekend, in remembrance of Memorial Day. I am not one to ever wax poetic, but since I am writing this post I would just like to thank all those who have fought and sacrificed for this country, and think I speak for the entire G:TB community in doing so.

Now, having said that, here's some Lee Greenwood to get you going:



And, as has become tradition for these patriotic posts, some Americana being displayed on the female form:

Original babe (brought back by request)

Replacement babe

One final note: word is Whitney will once again portray Abraham Lincoln in today's D.C. Memorial Day parade. We hear he's even more hungover than usual, which should be fun for him given the oppressive heat and humidity he will be exposed to while wearing non-breathable clothing in direct sunlight. Good luck, buddy.

Abe Update: the big man got mentioned by name on the air, as portraying Mr. Lincoln for the eighth time. He got literally three seconds of facetime, but I did manage to grab this pic:

G:TB Celebrates America, The Grand Finale

So far on G:TB's Memorial Day walkabout, we've learned about Butler, PA, spent a few moments by the shore in Manasquan, NJ, and settled in for some quiet seaside reflection in Little River, SC. In this, our final pre-holiday travel post, the destinations take a back seat to history.

Before we get to that, though, we'll let Dennis talk about his weekend plans. G:TB's Inter-Regional man of mystery weighs in with a thought-provoking itinerary, examining the undeniable societal tension between want and need, luxury and necessity, Titleist and Nike:

On Saturday morning I’ll stay in Alexandria and walk in the park as much as possible. I’ll then drive to the nearest local grocer for cooking supplies in my hybrid car at a cool 35 MPH. When in my house that evening, I’ll have the windows open and the air conditioner off. After dinner, I’ll read books, sing songs, and tell tales of a world replete with renewable energy sources until I drift asleep.

On Sunday morning, I’ll wake up to a 32 oz. cup of Starbucks coffee. My friends and I will then each drive our separate SUV’s to a golf course 45 miles away and spend $150 for the rights to ride gas-powered carts around a 10-acre rock quarry turned lush green meadow.

On Monday, I’ll sit around wondering whether I’m an environmentalist or a masochist.

Whitney, meanwhile, will be hitting for the little-known Suburban Cycle, supping first in Ashburn, VA and then in Kensington, MD. Ashburn's the home of the Washington Redskins' training facility, Old Dominion Brewery (recently purchased by the soulless bastards at Anheuser-Busch) the first home I ever purchased, and...well, some nice jogging trails interspersed with a handful of tasteful strip malls and planned neighborhoods. Kensington, meanwhile, is home to Matthew Lesko, the question-mark-festooned latenight pitchman, and a lovely little community in its own right.

Speaking of festooned, the highlight of G:TB's Memorial Day this year, as the last two, is the District of Columbia's Memorial Day Parade. If there were even one iota of justice in the world, the trip down Constitution Avenue would be every bit as world-reknowned as the Macy's Thanksgiving Day and Rose Bowl Parades. Sure, balloon creatures, lip-synched pop songs performed by one-hit wonders, and flower-bedecked flatbeds have their own special appeal. But those cultural touchstones lack one thing: neither of those festive events feature the world's leading Abraham Lincoln scholar/impersonator.

In the words of Chris Farley, "Awwwwesommme".

Abe and G:TB wish you and yours a spectacular Memorial Day weekend. And a magnificent beard.

G:TB Celebrates America

We'll hew close to the shoreline in today's travelogue, bypassing our new internet friends in the Outer Banks (and we'll be compiling our own list of songs at some point, and it's safe to say there won't be any England Dan) and heading all the way to Little River, SC, Home of the Annual Blue Crab Festival.

My parents' early-retirement homestead lives under the motto, There's Something Here for Everyone. Which is true, so long as everyone enjoys chain restaurants, rednecks, chain retail outlets, theme restaurants (chain or otherwise), and a disconcerting racial tension. The picture at left, courtesy of the town's official website, depicts the new post office. So let it not be said that the gentle breeze of progress has stilled in Little River's slow-moving waters.

I kid, I kid. (Dad, if you're reading, you realize that this congenital wiseassery is all your fault, right?) There's golf, too, by the large bucket. And beaches - miles and miles of really nice beaches, plenty of which are uncrowded and unsullied. The northern end of the Grand Strand is a quaint, slow-paced haven for refugees from colder climes - my kind of beachside community. Just don't wander too far south, or all that stuff I said above starts to apply in larger and larger measure.

Little River, though. That's all right by me, now that I've found a good cup of coffee and a place I can get fresh seafood and hush puppies on a paper plate.

Almost done with G:TB Across America, or whatever the hell we're calling this. I promise you, unconditionally, that you'll be stupefied and amazed by Thursday's finale. There exist pictures that will take you back in time, and forward in your appreciation for one of G:TB's own.

G:TB Celebrates America

As much as we know you were itching to read about Myrtle Beach today, we’re gonna shake things up a bit. Mostly because someone else was kind enough to do the work.

Today, via the magic of the internet, we take you on a scenic journey to Manasquan, NJ, site of Rhymenocerous’ summer home and Memorial Day destination.

Among other things, Manasquan is noted as the town where Jack Nicholson went to high school. It’s a mere 5 miles from Bruce Springsteen's Asbury Park and but a single mile from Wall Township, where Eliot Spitzer's paid paramour grew up. Finally, Manasquan’s a mile from Point Pleasant, where the American Idol chick who took risque internet photos a couple years back grew up. Piper Perabo grew up there too. You all remember her from Coyote Ugly. The movie, not the collegiate dating technique.

Celebs and sluts. Welcome to New Jersey!

As for Manasquan itself, there's not much to say other than it has the best surf break in NJ and all the teenagers are burnouts. Most of the parents are veteran party animals themselves who own beach cruisers. They (our friend included?) use these cruisers to bike to the local bars or house parties, where they can get sloshed and teeter home on side streets without getting a DUI.

As for Rhymenocerous’ time there this weekend, he’ll be healthy and sober Friday night, healthy on his 5-mile run Saturday morning, dehydrated that day, very drunk that Saturday night (To quote him, instead of just steal his words, “I have a 50% track record of blacking out and/or vomiting on the nights of my runs because I usually start drinking by 4 PM and never stop until I fall down”), and very hung over that next morning.

On Sunday, he'll procrastinate about the long list of things to do at his new place, including fun items like painting, installing child seats on bicycles and spreading cedar mulch over the weeds growing around the perennials in the front yard. He’ll putter around in his yard and start to feel better as frozen margarita #2 kicks in by 5 PM. He’ll then make a quick drunken bike ride to the local supermarket to buy some red meat to cook up on his unnecessarily large and expensive Weber grill. (The Genesis. It’s so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend it.) He’ll then drink until he passes out and/or gets put to bed by his wife. Hopefully, he’ll have some company during the drinking stage of the night, although it's sadly not necessary.

G:TB Celebrates America

With Memorial Day rapidly approaching, the G:TB staff will be spreading our whimsy to the four corners of the globe. Or at least to a few select resort destinations mostly confined to the Eastern United States. (While the silliness and immaturity of our worldview knows few metaphysical bounds, it is fairly geographically limited, basically encompassing the landmass from Nags Head, NC to Boston, MA. And Romania.) In celebration of the coming holiday, we present you with this series of travel primers.

First up, Butler, PA.

The seat of the cleverly named Butler County, Butler is the ancestral home of both Big John Studd and Bret Michaels. Little known fact: 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' is an homage to Rose Pankowitz, Michaels' elementary school girlfriend and now proprietor of the Aunt Sarah's Pancake House in downtown Butler.

Butler's also memorialized on film, serving as the location for the legendary 'Night of the Living Dead'. G:TB's own Teejay O'Doul will be reenacting several scenes from the classic picture as he visits his in-laws in bucolic Western PA over the holiday season.

Next on G:TB's whirlwind tour: Myrtle Beach, SC