Win or Else

Son Heung-Min is having a fabulous season. In the shadow of England's own Harry Kane, Son has scored 18 goals in 44 appearances in all competitions for Tottenham Hotspur. His pace and skill are world-class, and his jubilant goal-scoring celebrations and on-field exuberance make him one of the globe's most entertaining, and in a word, Gheorgie footballers.



While he plies his trade in England, Son is a South Korean citizen. And by law in that nation that's still technically at war with its northern neighbor, all males must begin a mandatory 21-month military stint before their 28th birthday. Son turns 26 in July. And so, like Ted Williams and dozens of others like him, the effervescent striker faces the prospect of losing two full seasons of top-level soccer at the prime of his career. (His military service will almost certainly be satisfied by playing for the South Korean Army's team, Sangju Sangmu, so he won't exactly be flying fighter jets like the Splendid Splinter, but he won't be playing in the Champions League, either.)

There's a way for Son to get out of his mandatory service, though. The 2018 Asian Games take place in Jakarta in late August, right at the beginning of the 2018-19 Premier League season. By custom, South Korean gold-medalists in the Asian games are exempted from military service. In 2014, Son's then-club, Bayer Leverkeusen, refused to allow him to participate on the national team during the Asian Games, so he watched from afar while his countrymen won the Games' soccer tournament and were released from their service obligation.

Son will certainly be tabbed by the national team for the 2018 games, which will leave Tottenham with a choice. And assuming they let their striker go, it'll leave Son with a hell of a burden. Win it all, and continue his career at the top level of the sport. Lose, and don a Sangju Sangmu jersey for two season.

No pressure, that.

Summer of Football

All three of these guys will play in the Copa America Centenario

I know it's a bit hard to imagine right now in the dead of winter, with feet of snow on the ground in much of Gheorghelandia, but summer is scheduled to begin in just a few short months. And this summer promises to be an incredible smorgasbord, if you're into soccer.

From early June to late August, three major international tournaments take place on three different continents, and feature most of the world's best players. As well as the U.S. Men's National Team. I kid because I love.

Though FIFA's year of (finally acknowledging widespread) corruption threatened it, the organizers of Copa America finally announced this month that the 100th anniversary of the tournament would take place on U.S. soil. The Centenario, as its known, combines CONMEBOL's (the South American soccer federation) ten teams with six from CONCACAF (North America's) in a CONclave of sort. (My bad. That's terrible. We really need an editor.)

The U.S.A. is one of four seeded teams, along with Brazil, Mexico, and Argentina. The draw takes place on February 3rd, and if you don't think we're praying for Haiti, Peru, and Venezuela, you might not be a close follower of the beautiful game. The tournament itself kicks off on June 3 in Santa Clara, and closes with the final in East Rutherford, NJ on June 26.

Next to the World Cup, the quadrennial European Championship might be the most important soccer tournament on the globe. This year, 24 sides compete in France for the championship of world soccer's most competitive confederation. From traditional powers like Germany, Italy, Spain, and France, to underdog strivers (and natural G:TB attractions) like Northern Ireland and Iceland (the latter of whom is surprisingly good and could well win its group), Euro 2016 promises nothing so much as stuff we don't expect. Hell, the Netherlands, just two years removed from making the World Cup semifinals, didn't even qualify. That went over well in Amsterdam.

Seriously, though, read this story about Iceland. It's a cool tale.

Megan Klingenberg, tiny badass

Spain has won the previous two Euros, but underdog Greece took the title in 2004, almost literally out of nowhere. And Denmark topped host Sweden to take the 1992 trophy.

Euro 2016 begins in June 10, with play continuing through the final in Paris on July 10. ESPN will carry the entire tournament here in the colonies.

We get a breather for a few weeks after that nearly 40-day sprint, and then the men's and women's Olympic soccer tournaments commence at various venues across Brazil. Thank God they built all those stadiums for the 2014 World Cup.

Neither U.S. team has qualified yet, with the women seeking one of CONCACAF's two berths in play from February 10 - 21, and the men playing a two-leg home and away match against a tough Colombia squad in March. It'd be a stunner if the defending World Cup champion women stumble on
the way to Rio, but the men are a far dicier proposition.

Either way, it's three more weeks of soccer. And for that, at least several of us are grateful.

Boxing Day is Totally Nuts

In what's become yet another G:TB tradition, we once again welcome Fat Guy in a Speedo to tell get us up to speed on the glorious bounty of football we can expect beginning today.

Brits are funny, they enjoy irony and subtle eyepokes in the collective eye of world correctness. They are the Judean People’s Front. In light of this it makes sense that the biggest day of kickball falls on Boxing Day in the UK.

Much like teachers in the U.S., soccer players in Europe get summers off. Unlike teachers in the U.S., they don’t get to go on cross-country road trips over the summer. They still work: train with their team, international play, cup qualifiers, friendlies, etc. In light of this pretty much every European league gives their players at least the holiday week off. This gives the players a rare chance or downtime with family, mental breaks as well as time to recuperate which ostensibly also gives the national team a boost in terms of cup qualifications. The Empire is a cut above their EU neighbors, they remember Agincourt, the Spanish Armada and still deal in pounds sterling bitches. Therefore, their players play three games over the week from December 26^th to January 2^nd. The logic is that the rest of the lazy, soft world watches the Premier League as it’s the only game in town and England works harder than the rest and so should their imported entertainment.

The Premier League is about as good as it gets this season. Much to the delight of Clarence, Leicester City is top of the table. Much to the delight of the rest of the world, Chelsea hover at the bottom. This is pretty remarkable in that Leicester City were recently promoted and should be lingering at the bottom of the table around Chelsea who won the league last season. Leicester City have a player named Jamie Vardy who recently scored in 11 games in a row, a Premier League record. This is cool for a number of reasons, one of them being that after he was cut from his youth team, Sheffield Wednesday, he went to work in a factory and played on the side for £30 a game for a local team and worked his way up through the ranks. Even cooler is the fact that he’s not the best player on the team. Riyad Mahrez scores at will and assists Vardy when he feels like it. The two of them are fun to watch and the team is entertaining as hell, always taking it to their opposition. Catch them now while you can, as the odds of this pair being sold to a team like Chelsea for £60m and flatlining forever thereafter are pretty good. They play Liverpool today, and like all things Leicester, they are feisty when they are on their game but potentially teeter on the edge of implosion.

Unaccustomed to looking up at Leicester with envy, Chelsea are down. Favored to win the league at the beginning of the season, the champions have already imploded. Inner turmoil that seemingly began with the public humiliation and firing of their team doctor has led to many losses, stagnation, player revolt and the firing of one of the world’s most winningest coaches Jose Mourinho. Mourinho is a huge asshole which is why he fit in perfectly at Chelsea. He was fired by the owner Valdemort mid-season in 2007 after winning them back to back titles for the first time in history so there is no lack of precedent here. This becomes interesting in light of Manchester United.

Manchester United are awful to watch. Louis Van Gaal used to be a good coach but seems to have lost the plot. As a fan I find myself not watching games for the first time in recent memory, even less than the short Moyes debacle. Mourinho thought he was going to be Ferguson’s replacement over Moyes. Ferguson is another successful asshole who might also be a tad racist in selecting a fellow unproven Scot over a swarthy champion Portuguese, however, racism in football deserves its own encyclopedia. If Van Gaal doesn’t win and win with style over the holiday games, we could be looking at Mourinho at United in 2016. Thanks but no thanks. I will start watching though so there’s that. (Editor's note: the Man U and Chelsea dumpster fires are glorious to behold, though the Red Devils, for all their awful, unattractive soccer, are still tied for 4th in the league and will likely finish in the top 4.)

Non-meandering Sentence of Da Rest: Liverpool have a great, shiny new coach Jurgen Klopp but lack the talent to succeed. Arsenal look great and then they look like shite, so they look like Arsenal; they are the soccering equivalent of Clemsoning and might find themselves with an unlikely title as well. City, eh. Tottenham are fun to watch but will take 5^th or 6^th per their wont. That’s all folks, see you in 2016. On a side note the pundits seem to think that MSU match up well with Bama, Vegas disagrees. Bama by double digits.

No Money Mo Problems

Just days after the triumphant close of BlazerCon, our very own footie fetishist stops by for a timely look at the state of the Premier League. I, for one, will be eagerly scanning Fat Guy in Speedo's work for commentary on Fulham's hiring of former West Brom manager Steve Clarke to the top spot at Craven Cottage and/or Fulham's inability to lure Clarke to the job. Eighth/Fourteenth place in the Championship, here we come!

After noting Gheorghies waiting for Godave’s post, I figured I’d quickly pop off some more Premier League propaganda in hopes that I could beat Dave’s probable self-promotional post to the proverbial punch. (Editor's note: Dave's post was at once self-promotional and non-existent, as he actually posted it on a different blog. We're not sure he completely understands the modern world.) It’s week 33 into the 86-week season and pundits are already waxing poetic about the incredibly improbable and unpredictable shake up among the leagues traditional powerhouses. The top 4 generally consists of some iteration of Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal and Man United in those positions. However, the leaderboard currently reads Man City, Arsenal, LEICESTER CITY and Manchester United. Note that one of these teams is not like the others. Stop the madness. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, squirrels riding birds... mass hysteria!

What’s worth noting is that Leicester City is a recently promoted Premier League side, having returned to the top league in 2014 for the first time since 2004, so the fact that they are flying at such heady heights is nothing short of remarkable. In the Premier League, money spent on player salaries generally correlates to a team’s position in the table. The top four salary spenders are Manchester United (£215), Manchester City (£205), Chelsea (£192) and Arsenal (£166). The lack of a salary cap in the MLB makes that league a (luxury tax noted) reasonably comparable model and there the top four wage bills are Dodgers ($273M), Yankees ($219M), Red Sox ($187M) and Tigers ($174M).  The two World Series teams were the Mets are at #21 ($101M) and the Royals ($113M) at #16. What does this prove? Win or lose, owning any professional sports team in the United States is a guaranteed license to print money.

Wait, what about Chelsea? Their poor play is proof that if enough people wish for something worldwide, it will come true. The 2014 league winners have collapsed and currently occupy 16^th place (out of 20) in the EPL table. There is no real reason for their decline, the same players, owner, coach and horribly defensive style of play are replicas of what drove them to victory last season. Every week heralds a new low and the players look defeated before play even begins.

Meanwhile, Leicester City play with total positivity and attacking abandon, they are like an injury-laden Notre Dame team without the international support, coffers or Showtime series. They have come from behind several times and never show intimidation regardless of the venue. Check ‘em out this weekend, I’m sure if you do based on this post you will be rewarded with an incredibly dreary 0-0 defensive draw. In other sporting news, does anyone really think that a one-defeat Notre Dame team will get trumped out of the playoffs by whatever crap team climbs to the top of the turd tower that is the Big 12?

I was at this game.

See you on Boxing Day! Dave’s post should be up by then.

Additional editor's note: says here that Tottenham Hotspur will claim one of the Prem's four Champions League spots. They haven't lost since the season's opening match, and they boast one of the youngest and most athletic lineups in the league. Plus, they have guys with fun names, like Dele Alli, Erik Lamela, Toby Alderweireld, Hugo Lloris, Moussa Dembele, and Harry Kane.

Amuse Yeux

Just a little palate cleanser for you today in advance of tomorrow's tipoff of the college basketball season for the one team we care about. Note that this has nothing to do with college basketball.

But this from Luis Suarez and Neymar in Barcelona's 3-0 La Liga win over Villareal is as good a soccer goal as you'll ever see in terms of individual skill and teamwork. 

I call your attention to Suarez's perfectly weighted and bent pass, which beats two defenders to land at Neymar's feet. It's perhaps even more sublime, if more understated, than what follows.

Holy shit, though, what follows. Neymar's possession, flick, spin, strike is otherworldly. There aren't three strikers in the world that would even try this, let alone coolly execute it.

Enjoy:

Oh Doctor, Please Help Me, I'm Damaged

FOG:TB Fat Guy in a Speedo is on a tear early this EPL season, nearly matching Swansea City for prolific output and positive results. Here's his take on football fandom.

At the risk of raising the ire of even the most casual G:TB reader’s ambivalence towards soccer (or kickball per the good folks at the Chicago Trib) yet emboldened by the recent start of the EPL, Rob’s new(ish) penchant for the game and my lack of employment I figured I had the time to add one more footie post before slouching back to my biannual post rate torpor. Plus college football hasn’t started.

Raiders Fans

Our nation excels in garden-variety fanaticism slightly behind ISIS, yet just above Raider Nation. In spite of our nation’s penchant for groupthink zest in terms of issues such as gun control, religion, and Caitlyn Jenner, the zealotry of your typical United States sports fan pales in comparison to the “civilized” citizens of countries like England, France and Albania. If Geno Smith played (mediocre) soccer in England, the media outrage over his glass jaw would be palpable. Cheeky headlines would abound for weeks on end. Regrettably, the NY Post won the banter war with the cumbersome ‘Jaw and Disorder’ while the Daily News’ ‘Luck of the Jaw’ is right out.

As usual, Chelsea FC are at the root of my and the rest of civilized sporting society’s disdain.(Editor's Note: If more Americans were aware of that cocksucker Diego Costa, more of us would hate him, and by extension have a reason to follow the EPL.) Farcical case in point, last Sunday Chelsea tied a decent Swansea side at home after their keeper saw red and was sent off. In stoppage time a Chelsea player was hurt on the pitch and the ref called the team’s medics out to tend to his injury. They took him off the field per regulations and Jose Mourinho, Chelsea’s talented head coach but far more formidable asshole, could be seen yelling at his own team’s medical staff to get the player back out there as they were already down a man. Five days later, the team doctor has since been demoted and this relatively minor incident has dominated UK sports headlines for days. ESPNFC.com barely mentioned it as this is not the kind of sports issue people in the States tend to pay much interest to.  Ed Hochuli aside, refs and team medicos are fodder for BB gun variety cannonry.  English top flight referees are well known figures and each team has at least one referee who is perceived to hate them and will call a game to ensure their failure.

As a side note, the team doctor is a young(ish) and relatively attractive female. Chelsea fans have regaled her with the chant "Celery/Celery/If she don't come, I'll tickle her bum/With a lump of celery” when she’s on the pitch, which is ironic in that your average Brit has never even seen celery as evidenced by its lumpen description. Regrettable misogyny aside, it’s time for us to step up our sporting fanatacism on this side of the pond. If we learn the names of those peripheral to the sport we will be gifted with that much more minutiae to occupy our time and even divert our attention from the emerging presidential shitshow.

Bye for now and see you on Boxing Day.

Bhoys of (Late) Summer

G:TB's footie friend Fat Guy in a Speedo returns with one of his timely EPL posts, as the new season kicks off this weekend. Enjoy, but don't expect to hear much about Bournemouth and Watford. Elitist as a motherfucker, that Fat Guy.

EPL kicked off yesterday, thrilling hundreds of Americans who enjoy awaking early on a weekend to watch grown millionaires score an average of 1.2 goals every 90 minutes. I won’t bore you with the details but the same four teams are expected to occupy the top four spots on the league, the mid-table grinders will be in about the same place as usual and the three recently promoted teams are expected to be dropped at the end of season.  The predictability is perfectly suited to those who loathe change and are content to not shoo the fly off our arm like some hopped up ENFP.

Even the most dilatory INTP would have to provide a modicum of insight so let’s have at it. Chelsea has been touted to reclaim the title by the wunderkind at The Guardian and most everyone else. They are a bunch of tossers from top to bottom and play a singularly unwatchable style of football. If you want to confirm your average Americans unshakable derision of the beautiful game turn on a Chelsea match and they won’t be disappointed.  Sadly, they are the best team in the league.

Many pundits are picking Arsenal to finish second and firmly cement their status as first-place losers per the late Dale Earnhardt.  Arsenal play the most attractive football in the league and are regularly rewarded with second place and third place trophies for their efforts. Manchester United have been shite the past couple years and will likely be a trifle less shitey this season. Manchester City aren’t worth commenting on. Liverpool still seem to have worldwide support in spite of their above-average mediocrity over the past two decades and will continue to thrive after another average, silverless season. Fulham is right out.

(At this point we'll note that we were a day late in posting Fat Guy's preview, so read the next paragraph as if you didn't know that those bastard United didn't top Spurs, 1-0, on a Kyle Walker own goal. And for what it's worth, I've decided that Spurs are my side in the top league this season, as Fulham continues its Championship walkabout (thanks for the acknowledgement above, friend). Fitting start, that.)

Kickoff is tomorrow at 7:45EST with Manchester United playing Tottenham Hotspurs. This has all the makings of a cracking start to the season with loads of offensive potential coupled with defensive frailties on both ends. Looking forward to the goalless draw to start the season. That’s a wrap and Bob’s your uncle. 

Banter is Coming

FOG:TB Fat Guy in a Speedo can be counted on to provide us with mirthful and high-quality footie material. Unfortunately, I can't always be counted on to read his submissions in a timely fashion. So, if you will, please pretend you're reading this yesterday morning. (If you actually are reading this yesterday morning, through some fortuitous hot tub time machine sort of thing, I've included some score details so you can place bets.)

It's been awhile since the last kickball update. The collective hangover from a World Cup year tends to bleed over into league football the following season. Players get more injuries after working the summer they tend to have off, fatigue, ennui and general malaise ensue. At least this is the general consensus; realistically not much changes. The powerhouses are still at the top of the tables around the world and the best players continue to perform at the highest levels. Then winter rolls around and the world takes a break from soccer to worship, drink, eat and freeze for a few weeks while players regroup and recharge. 

Luckily, England continues to flout the traditions of Europe and the rest of the world and doubles down over the holidays. The Premier League teams will play 4 games over the next two weeks; 3 league games followed by FA cup games. Although this is great for the fans and the league in that football fans the world over only have England as an option, the players probably wish they had time off to heal and hang with their families. But dilligaff to them. Plus, this is a great excuse for England to continually underperform on the world stage in national football events. Here are a few games to watch for those of you who opt to nurse A.M. holiday hangovers watching sports that might end up 0-0.

Friday, December 26th - Boxing Day 

7:45 Chelsea - West Ham: Normally a wash, West Ham is actually overperforming this season and sit in 4th place. This makes for a London derby worth watching although Chelsea is on a tear this season and should take 3 points. (Time travel note: Chelsea will, in fact, take all three points, through goals by that bastard John Terry and that stud Diego Costa.)

10:00 Manchester United - Newcastle: After starting off horribly, United have woken up and have won 5 out of 6. This is due to some good coaching by Louis Van Gaal (pronounced Van gHhhhhaaaaaal, if you're Dutch, or if you want to sound like a pretentious prick), former national coach of the Netherlands who took over the helm in Manc after the World Cup. This is also due to the fact that United spent a few hundred million pounds on the world's best players who have been hurt all season (World Cup hangover?) and the ones who aren't will be puking their collective guts out after their first working Xmas in the Premier League. Still, watch United take this one by a few goals. (Past tense betting advice: those wankers in red did take this one by a few goals, winning 3-1on two tallies by pasty asshole Wayne Rooney and one by the suave and sublime Robin Van Persie.)

Sunday, December 28th

Spurs - Manchester United and Arsenal - West Ham (This is all we got from Fat Guy, so hopefully he's reading this and can chime in with something for the punters - he's been on point thus far this holiday season. Of note, however, Seattle Sounders and USMNT back DeAndre Yedlin signed with Spurs this week. So that's pretty cool.)



Monday, December 29th

Liverpool - Swansea is the only option here

Tuesday, December 30th

Spurs - Chelsea (Can't really blame Fat Guy. Writing multiple paragraphs is hard work. Give the man a break, jerks.)

There is a boatload of other games to choose from, most of which will undoubtedly be more entertaining than the ones I recommend. Rob might enjoy watching Championship League (one tier below Premier League) side Fulham play mighty Bournemouth (Note from the future/past: I did not at all enjoy this, as Fulham were trucked, 2-0, and currently sit in 15th in the 24-team Championship, though they are 8 points clear of rele-relegation.) this Friday or Brighton & Hove Albion Monday. Or he might want to upgrade to a Manchester Premier League team that won't give his PC ebola when he streams them online. (My daughter is a Liverpool backer, so I'm living vicariously through her. Thus far this season, Brendan Rodgers' boys have sucked. Nice job, kid.) Salud, nostrovia, happy Becksmas. (And Happy Holidays, ladies)

All My Foreign Friends Are Coming Over Tonight

On this, the eve of the 2014-15 Barclays Premier League season, we welcome once again our roving footie correspondent, Fat Guy in a Speedo, who offers a preview as comprehensive as any of our usual crap.

Although Hank Williams Jr. and Anne Coulter might not attend, and aforementioned party would have to be in the morning, soccerball season is back. "Wait a minute," you might be thinking, the World Cup is over and MLS is in mid-season, what is this guestie on about? Well gentle reader, I am not talking about the Columbus Crew, Montreal Impact or Miami Fusion although these team names make the Wizards sound like an inspired name choice. I am talking EPL, England's greatest national output after . . . after a minute of reflection I got nothing, seriously. Monty Python and Borat maybe. England's football league is light years ahead of any other national league in terms of speed, physicality, pasty chavs and awful weather conditions. Kickoff is this weekend and I'll give a rundown of the only 4 or 5 teams that have a title shot and/or any name recognition over here, if at all.

Chelsea  - Owned by free-spending, Putin-light oligarch, they will have gelled under second year wundercoach Jose Mourinho who has won many titles with many teams from many countries.  Despite his enormous success, he quits/moves/gets fired every other year because he is an insufferable twat who plays boring, "ugly" football, i.e., meaning defensive, low-scoring matches. He should win the league this year with Chelsea as they will have had a full season to be accustomed to this lack of style. Chelsea fans everywhere celebrate this as they too, are a brio-less lot of lumpenproletariat. 

Arsenal  - Like Chelsea, they are a London-based team, this is all they have in common. Arsenal play free-flowing, open football under long-standing French coach Arsene Wenger. Wenger has enjoyed tremendous success at Arsenal, unfortunately, all of this success is a 90s, early 2000s memory. Wenger has eschewed the vast sums spent on the modern footballer over the past decade and is proof that you get what you pay for.  His only silver over the past 9 seasons is an FA Cup trophy last May.  Buoyed by this windfall of glory, Wenger has uncharacteristically spent $50M on Chilean Alexis Sanchez amongst others.  It will be interesting to see if this group of bridesmaids can finally take it to the next level. Unfortunately for fans of the Gunners, the answer will be 'no.'

Liverpool - Like Arsenal, they are still chasing past glory, unlike Arsenal they have spent 100s of millions of pounds to achieve this over the past decade to no avail.  Liverpool had an amazing run last season and failed to heed the ABCs of life, they couldn't close it.  You can pinpoint the second it all ended, top of the table and 3 games left, Liverpool legend Steven Gerrard lost possession in midfield and conceded the goal that changed their fate. (Editor's Note: Last year was my daughter's first as a Liverpool fan. Gerrard is her favorite, natch. And this really bummed her out.) 

Additionally,  chompy Luis Suarez has been sold to Barcelona, for all his innumerable faults, he was the greatest player in the world last season. Despite his 10-game ban for biting Chelsea defender Ivanovic in 2013, he scored 30 goals last season. At that pace he would've been on the amazing tally of 40 if he wasn't an absolute sociopath on the pitch. Without him, Liverpool and his fans can be prepared for another disappointing season.

Manchester City - What's left to be said about the 'noisy neighbors' of Manchester United? Still owned by Arab billionaires who knew nothing about soccer prior to purchase, still spending 100s of millions of pounds a year on the world's greatest players, still clamoring for approval despite winning the league last year, their lot will be the same this year.  They might win it, they should win it, but no one except the Gallagher brothers will care if they do. 

Manchester United - (Editor's Note: Seriously, fuck Manchester United.) Despite having their worst season in 30 years and finishing seventh under David Moyes, the hand-picked hapless successor to Sir Alex Ferguson, England's greatest coach ever. Branded the Chosen One at the season's beginning, his player's gave him the new nickname "Fuck Off Moyes" by season's close.  Although this nickname tells us everything we need to know about the nuanced thinking of professional athletes, this season looks to be quite different. 

Louis Van Gaal's nickname is the Iron Tulip and after leading the Netherlands national team to third place this World Cup, United fans are hoping to see similar results this coming season. United have won all 7 pre-season friendlies under Van Gaal, fans are so enthused that this will continue that it will be great fun for all non-United fans to watch them stumble to mediocrity when the season commences. Van Gaal has never coached in the EPL and it is a different entity from what he's used to. The fact that United will have no European football (Champions or Europa League) during the season as they didn't qualify should help them get back on track. They will win the League. (Editor's note: No, no they will not.)

Fulham - Second to last place last season saw them drop down to the Champions League for the upcoming season. Rob will have a hard time finding them on the telly this year. Predictions, Fulham take second and are back in the Premier League next season and Rob gets 3 viruses watching them on dodgy Russian feeds. (Editor's note: Fulham lost their first Championship Match, so things are already going swimmingly.)