Your Number One Douche Has a New Album

Yes, I know. I have a problem.

I'm usually such a positive person, breezing my way through life like . . . like . . . like a Beach Boys song. (A good Beach Boys song, not garbage like "Kokomo.")

And yet there is someone out there who gets my goat so much that it makes me a compulsively negative person. Makes me an Internet troll, of all things. It's horrible. And it happens any time he is mentioned, gets a headline, or . . . lookee here, releases a new album!

Mike Love, y'all. Future resident of actual Hell. Current purveyor of musical Hell.

12 Sides of Summer is his newest auditory upchucking, and it's a dandy. Stephen Thomas Erlewine, the premier reviewer at AllMusic, gives it more credit than I would have (natch) but notes the "incredibly chintzy production that sounds like it was slapped together at home on a tablet computer."  Meanwhile, in the Evening Standard, Harriet Wolstenholme writes:

California Beach, a rare original song, opens with a quintessential Love lyric: “Where surfers are surfing and dancers are dancing/ You’re sure to find a honey that you’ll love romancing”. Ick.

We will get back to that rare original song in a minute, but let's get to Les Coole's review of the record:

Just dreck. I mean . . . dreck.

There you have it.  Bad covers of what Erlewine calls "shopworn summer standards" with putrid production and Mike Love's voice.  A voice, which does have a place in musical history, and is best highlighted here:

(I got that clip from a website called Crappy Music Monday in a post in which the first two sentences are "Mike Love is a douche-nozzle. Pretty much everyone knows this." Join the movement, people.)

Mike Love is 78, and it's understandable that a voice at that age will diminish.  Could be a good thing, but if the best descriptor for your vocals on an album is "wan," maybe it's time to hang up the baseball cap and just get back to supporting your pal Donald Trump's mission to Make America Like Kokomo For the First Time.

The songs... okay, so I created a playlist below featuring the originals, solid covers of those songs, and then Mike Love's 12 Sides of Summer renditions.  Have a listen and decide what you think.  (I know, you don't give a damn. Why do I get so twisted up?)

Example: You know The Rivieras' "California Sun," a beach all-timer with that Vox Continental organ and surf guitar that etches itself in the brain permanently. You may well know the Ramones' cover, with Johnny's pounding guitar and Joey's inimitable voice. And then you get this new version, a relatively inoffensive bongo-and-handclap stab with a robust backup chorus that juxtaposably dwarfs Dr. Love's frail warbling. Harmless but pointless. Steve Spurrier: "Not very good."

It's the same lot of tripe throughout, with a couple of things worth mentioning:

• He can't even cover the Beach Boys very well.
• If you can redo "Girl From Ipanema" with a sonic quality that says "What's two steps beyond elevator music?", well, you've accomplished something.
• A little media noise has been made about "Rockaway Beach," his take on the aforementioned Ramones, and how it's a crazy cross-culture mish-mash. It's not. It's not avant-garde, and it actually makes sense. The Ramones were punk rock but drew mightily from 60's sun and surf classics like the Beach Boys. Not a bad marriage. Well chosen, sir. But again, Mike Love's always nasally grating, now eunuchally impotent voice* coupled with mom's basement production utterly undercuts the result.

* From Mike Love's own website: "Love’s voice is a style of its own. He combines his steady bass/baritone with a whimsical intonation— indicative of the ultra-cool, self-confidence and innocence of the early 1960s."  

So he has his ridiculous description, I have mine.

• And finally, there's the original single that Rolling Stone calls "breezy."  It's called "California Beach," and if you astutely noted that Mike Love has covered "California Sun" and "Rockaway Beach" on the same album that he produces a "new," "original" song called "California Beach," good for you. That's not where the appropriating ends. To enable a true-side-by-side comparison, I've appended the playlist with some needless duplication. Obnoxious, eh?  Check it out. "California Beach" is "Rockaway Beach." (No, Finkle/Einhorn lovers, "Rockaway Beach is not "California Beach.")  All that's missing is a Cal Cal, California Beach chorus.  There's a reason the two tracks could not be placed further apart on this album, but it's still pretty brazen. This is "Riot in Cell Block 9" / "Student Demonstration Time" all over again.  Seriously. What a douche.

That's all, good people. Now back to my positively positive dipshittery.

Oh yeah... I also love this: http://cokemachineglow.com/features/pictures-of-mike-love-looking-like-a-douche/http://cokemachineglow.com/features/pictures-of-mike-love-looking-like-a-douche/

Say, That's Not Peter Cetera

Summertime is here again, our just about, and with that comes a bevy of music festivals, countrywide rock tours, and summer shows in each of the gheorghies' respective homelands.  I implore you people: go out and take in some live music, then blog about it at GTB.  I love to read about what you guys are listening to and the shows you see.

Some of you ask: what shows are out there?

Go here:  Pollstar.  Individual band pages are worthy but take longer to sift through.  Other sites exist and are fine (Bandsintown, JamBase, etc.) But Pollstar has been my go-to for a long time, and you can search by city, venue, or band quickly and easily.

So, what should these good people see?

Whatever you want! And if what you want is to see a big-name act that costs more than it should and you're stuck in row YY or at the back of the lawn and you're watching the band on a screen and they look like Fisher-Price figures, at the very least... at the very least... they should be the band you intended to see.

What the hell does that mean, Whitney?

Okay, forgive the rant, but there is a growing trend I'm seeing wherein older bands of prior popularity are touring the globe with a hodgepodge of musicians who were not a part of the original incarnation of the band.  Sometimes those stand-ins have replaced vital elements without whom, this really isn't the same band, now is it? But you see no asterisks or disclaimers.  And it's crap.

Obviously, things happen in the course of the life of a musical act.  People die.  People fight and leave.  People go solo.  People just get tired.

Obviously, there are some slots in the roster of a given band that could be filled by just about anyone.  For Random Idiots, that was 2nd pots/pans player.  Scott MacDonald took Jason Elliott's spot there for "Dr. Seuss" because Elliott was on the john or talking to his girlfriend or something.  Nothing was lost, and the rest is history, of sorts.

But when either the role that is replaced is a major one, or the talent that is lost is formative and foundational to the band, please don't ask the listening audience to just nod along like it's the same ol' same ol'.  It's not.

Lead singers are tough to replace, fair or not.  When Brian Johnson replaced Bon Scott, AC/DC recorded an amazing classic album's worth of material before hitting the road.  A quick switch of Brian as Bon just wouldn't have worked. Talking Heads cannot continue without David Byrne. It would rob the public of what they paid to expect.  Say what you will about Dead and Company, but at least they aren't out there peddling the name Grateful Dead without Jerry.  Without John Fogerty, the rest of the dudes took to Creedence Clearwater Revisited. It's about truth in advertising.



Here we go.  I've taken the liberty of doing some work for you. I'm taking a look at the landscape of summer tours and letting you know which are the real deals, which are close enough, and which are pale facsimiles for which you should be paying knock-off prices.

To preface this, I include an interview from Derek Trucks after Gregg Allman died. Keep an eye out for the subtle dig:

Trucks closed the book on the Allman Brothers Band forever after the deaths of both Allman and his uncle, who died in January. "You can't have an Allman Brothers gig without an Allman brother," Trucks said. "I've heard people try to argue that you can, but I'm not buying it. If [late band co-founder] Duane [Allman]'s not there, Gregg certainly better be there. There are a few bands out there right now that are using names that maybe shouldn't be. That's another discussion." 

This is that discussion.  Here goes.

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Hey, boys, if your ears were ringing, it's because you are the A#1 band out there that's using a name you maybe shouldn't be.  Ronnie Van Zant and Steve and Cassie Gaines died in one of rock's greatest tragedies. Ronnie's voice and lyrics were at the core of every Skynyrd song. After a 10-year hiatus, a handful of the survivors reformed as Lynyrd Skynyrd.  Maybe shouldn't have. Ronnie's little brother Johnny has manned the mic since. Through the years, original members have faded to the point where it's only guitarist Gary Rossington left.  Admire the perseverance, but it's not Skynyrd and if even one unknowing ticket-buyer thinks they're getting the original... hell, maybe they deserve what they get at this point. Anyway...  Verdict: Cover Band.

Fleetwood Mac
Last month the band announced that Lindsey Buckingham was no longer a part of the band. Okay, so the band has had numerous lineup shifts throughout its 50-year career, and maybe you were big fans of the Peter Green or Bob Welch eras of the band with hits like "Black Magic Woman" and "Albatross." You weren't. The core lineup since' 75 of Fleetwood/McVie x 2/Buckingham/Nicks was a hit machine for a brief moment, and they are a terrific live act to see.  But Buckingham is a living genius and the heart of too many of those hits. He and Nicks left the band in the late 80's, and the number of people that attended Mac shows without them you could fit on a single school bus.  And they were disappointed.  Stevie is there, but without Lindsey, leave it be.  Verdict: Not the Same.

Weezer
Their songs have faded into dreck, but I've seen Rivers Cuomo and Co. in recent years. Still good, 3/4 intact, and Cuomo is most everything to Weezer. Verdict: Good to Go.

Pixies
Pixies were a band most (included me) missed seeing in their original stint ('87-'92).  I did catch them when they reformed in 2004, and they were great.  Black Francis still leads the band around the country, (now with Weezer in tow) but there's one problem.  Kim Deal left the band 5 years ago this week.  There's a reason the Dandy Warhols sang "Cool as Kim Deal." Her voice, her bass, her cool.  An irreparable divot. Verdict: Not the Same.

Steely Dan
A two man classic.  Fagen and Becker.  Becker and Fagen. Walter Becker died in September. To tour again as the Dan without him there?  Verdict: Eat Bat Prick

Guns N' Roses
It's simple.  Axl, Slash, and Duff is good enough.  Axl and Buckethead and whoever else? You're crazy. They have the core together right now, so go see 'em before they implode again. Verdict: Good to Go.

Eagles
A strong assemblage of talent from their earliest days, but Henley and Frey were at the center.  Minus Glenn Frey, the best days of the Eagles are already gone. Verdict: Not the Same.

Stone Temple Pilots
Name someone in this band beyond Scott Weiland.  He died. Verdict: Not the Same.

Alice in Chains
I grant you, you can likely name Jerry Cantrell.  But Layne Staley meant too much to the band.  Verdict: Not the Same.

Styx
Tommy Shaw and a couple of others are in.  Dennis DeYoung and Mr. Roboto are out. Verdict: Not the Same, but do any of you guys really give a crap?

ZZ Top
All present and accounted for, sir.  Verdict: Good to go.

Def Leppard
Lead guitarist Steve Clark died of alcohol poisoning when the elder gheorgies (excepting Monsignor KQ) were in college poisoning themselves with alcohol, and Rick Allen is missing an arm, but otherwise they're the same.  Verdict: Close enough.

Journey
Wow, this one is interesting.  Dude, if you love Journey, and more people than ever seem to, go see Arnel Pineda. The sound is extraordinarily similar, and Steve Perry ain't walking back through that door. Verdict: Good to go.

The Who
Keith Moon died 40 years ago.  The Ox 16 years ago.  Daltrey and Townshend are all-timers among all-timers and worthy, though.  Verdict: Legit.

Little Feat
Lowell George 1945-1979.  Enough said.  Verdict: Cover Band.

The English Beat
Dave Wakeling is still the voice, and that counts for a lot. Verdict: Good enough.

Cheap Trick
Amazingly, mostly intact. Touring with "Skynyrd." More authentic. Verdict: Good to go.

Foghat
Also touring with "Skynyrd" this summer. Only the drummer from the original lineup. Verdict: Cover Band.

Violent Femmes
2/3 together. Vitally importantly -- with Gordon Gano.  Verdict: Good to go.

Phish
Simple.  They are still the same dudes.   Verdict: Good to go.

Chicago
Rob's first concert featured Peter Cetera and the gang. Now it's just the gang. Verdict: Not the same.

REO Speedwagon
Mostly still together, Kevin Cronin still singing. Roll with the non-changes. Verdict: Good to go.

Steel Pulse
David Hinds and Selwyn Brown and a newer crew. Get behind me Satan. Verdict: Good enough.

The Wailers
Debatable, a pale imitation of their former leader, but at least Family Man Barrett is there.  Verdict: Eh.

U2
Just kidding. Some things never change. Verdict: Duh. Good to go.

10,000 Maniacs
Natalie Merchant left during the Clinton administration. Verdict: Not even close.

Barenaked Ladies
Steven Page left in 2009.  Sang most of their best songs. Verdict: Not the Same.

Pearl Jam
Locked and loaded with most of the original crew.  Verdict: Good to go.

Yes
This one's for Mr. KQ. The roster rotates every few years. Steve Howe is pretty much the only original in the current iteration.  Verdict: No. (Sorry.)

The Cult
It was always Ian Astbury and Billy Duffy.  Still is. Verdict: Good to go.

Squeeze
Same with Squeeze: Chris Difford and Glenn Tilbrook.  Verdict: Good to go.

Dave Matthews Band
You know what's odd?  Dave is obviously still there, but with LeRoi passed on and Boyd now out (in lots of ways), is it the same experience? Verdict: Debatable.

INXS, AC/DC, and REM aren't doing this any more, but they were never the same after losing members of the band and now they are all kaput.

If you're at the State Fair and see "Quiet Riot" or "Thin Lizzy" playing, keep in mind that there are no original members in either band.

And Michael McDonald is... out of the Doobies.

Oh, one last one.

The Beach Boys
A few years back, I took my daughters to see them when Brian and Al joined #1 d-bag Mike Love for the 50th reunion tour.  It was great.  Soon thereafter, of course, it fell apart again, and now it's back to just Mike and not-quite-original-but-close Bruce Johnston and others (not John Stamos). This is bullshit of the highest order, as Mike Love continues to sue for the right to be the only Beach Boy in The Beach Boys™. Honestly, people. Verdict: Bad cover band.  Don't do it.


Be forewarned, and don't be afraid to write into Dear Gheorghe with questions about a band coming to your town.

The Internet is Neat - Old School Hip Hop Edition

I was channel-surfing in my automobile the other day and went to the Backspin station, a no-brainer preset on Sirius. I was grooving out to the classic "White Lines (Don't Do It)" by Grandmaster Flash in the sad way that a 40-something Dad running errands in the 'burb grooves out. I remember thinking how awesome that bass line of that tune was, and I wanted to find the origin of that sample...after I picked up the dry cleaning, bought wiper fluid and got some Boar's Had Honey Maple Turkey from the deli for the kids' lunches.



Thanks to the wonders of the world wide web, I was able to dig up this information in about 20 seconds. Many of you may know this information already, but I did not. Turns out the sample is from an early 80's new wave band called Liquid Liquid (which I'm sure Whitney knows and loves and could write a 5-page essay on from the top of his head, because he knows and loves every non-Mike Love band around). 

Turns out Grandmaster Flash did no do a whole lot, other than rap on top of that bass line about the dangers of booger sugar, while adding in a bit of scratching. The original is below. That bass line is is incendiary. Incendiary.

The Great Ones Never Rest On Their Laurels

You may have heard this music news tidbit in the last month, and when you did, you may have thought of me.  I've made no secret of my opinion of this "man."  But he just keeps doing things to reaffirm that I'm right.  (And I'm not alone.)

Just over three years ago, Beach Boy Mike Love won the title of Biggest Douche in Rock and Roll.  In a landslide, amazingly.  Earlier this summer, I took in the Beach Boys' 50th Anniversary Tour stop in Virginia Beach, and afterwards, I conceded that I enjoyed every bit of it, even the parts that Mike Love sang.  But we couldn't just end on that high note, could we?

About a month ago, it was reported that after the completion of the current slate of tour dates, Mike Love would be sacking original B-Boys Brian Wilson, Al Jardine, as well as longtime BB musician David Marks.  He will be going back to his usual touring band . . . the one he's toured with for years under the name The Beach Boys . . . you know, the one with Mike Love, Bruce Johnston, some other guys, and no Wilsons. 

The incendiary headlines that followed weren't overstatements, though.  I mean . . . Mike Love fired Brian Wilson and Al Jardine.  It's actually difficult to find a parallel.  It's like Ringo firing Paul and George and touring with his All-Starr Band under the moniker The Beatles.  That's not a stretch.  It's Dan Quayle dumping GHWB for the '92 run.  It's me ousting Teej and Rob and insisting that I am Gheorghe: The Blog. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.

Naturally, the ballcapped one, having seen the backlash from the public, tried to justify what he did.  And this is why, after having taken the high road, I'm chiming in after the fact. From the letter he took the time to publish in the Los Angeles Times:

"I did not fire Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. I am not his employer. I do not have such authority. And even if I did, I would never fire Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. I love Brian Wilson. We are partners. He's my cousin by birth and my brother in music."

Blah blah blah.  Of course you did.  But here's the best part.  The fans loved seeing everyone back together, according to Rolling Stone...

"But Love says an ongoing reunion tour is 'impossible' because of other Beach Boys shows he had already booked that started to bump up against the reunion dates."

Are you kidding me???  Which iteration would the venues rather have on stage??? Which would the fans rather see??? 

"Look, man, I know David Lee Roth is back with the band, but I bought a ticket to see Gary Cherone, and that's what I want to see!"  "Hey, it's great that Steve Perry has agreed to tour with you guys, but I don't think you understand.  We booked the guy from American Idol, and that's who we want."

I understand that Mike Love might have existing contracts with the stiffs who have been portraying Beach Boys for years in what amounts to the best publicized cover band in America, but here's the deal: buy out their contracts, you money-grubbing asshole.  You, the bald, bearded, scumbag who was too stingy to shell out money for your daughter's transplant and she died as a result, need to defy all odds and past performance and do the right thing, even if it costs you.  The 50th Anniversary Tour is the last chance you have to engender some will that's not hideously ill.  Some karma that isn't soul-eroding.  This is all you've got.  If you fuck this up, you may well die soon . . . and neither quickly nor painlessly.

Clarence has spoken.

Brian Wilson has, too.  He wrote a great letter as a form of reply, worth a quick read in its entirety to see how a man who's been called genius since 1966 can be humble, grateful, reflective, conciliatory, and earnest . . . and how the same man who's been called crazy since 1969 can be articulate, level-headed, and reasonable.  We should all be so crazy.

As far as I know I can't be fired--that wouldn't be cool. The negativity surrounding all the comments bummed me out. What's confusing is that by Mike not wanting or letting Al, David and me tour with the band, it sort of feels like we're being fired.

It's Al and my opinion that all of us together makes for a great representation of the Beach Boys. While I appreciate the nice cool things Mike said about me in his letter, and I do and always will love him as my cousin and bandmate, at the same time I'm still left wondering why he doesn't want to continue this great trip we're on. Al and I want to keep going because we believe we owe it to the music. In any case happy anniversary, I loved it and I think we knocked it out of the park for what it's worth.

Amen, brother.  God only knows what that dipshit would be without you.