[Working Title: Didn't Todd Fuller teach you guys anything?]The news crawled across my screen during SportsCenter last night: "Sacramento Kings C Spencer Hawes out for the season". Really, a big white stiff (BWS) drafted in the first round might not pan out (yes, I know it's early with Hawes, but hang with me)? What a shocker. Or not...when will NBA GMs learn...(I limited this list to first round big white stiffs, because I have neither the time nor the patience to mock ALL the useless honkies drafted in the last 12 years):
2007 Draft
Spencer Hawes (#10)- Congrats Spence, you're first in line for sucktitude. My favorite snippet from a story on Hawes: "Hawes, a 7-foot center, had microfracture surgery on the same knee when he was 14, though the new injury isn't related."
Is that so, Dr. Espn.com? Because it didn't take much effort me to discover that Hawes has a history of knee problems: at least four procedures, including at least two scopes on the left knee. Guess which knee is hurt this time? Yep, the left. This is not gonna work out well for the Kings.
Don't laugh Jason Smith (#20), you know you're next. Shaq probably doesn't even talk to you.
2006 Draft
Can we count the British stiff Joel Freeland (#30)? That guy can't even get minutes for CB Gran Canaria of the Spanish ACB league. What a cigarette.
2005 Draft
It's not even fun to make fun of Fran Vazquez (#11). I know some of the Magic fans who frequent this corner of the blogosphere might have some things to say about Fran the Wo-man, so I'll let them rip him in the comments. What's the word for "pansy" in Spanish?
2004 Draft
Robert Swift (#12), the '04 Hawes model. I think this nicely sums up Swift's "career" so far:
"In 2006 Swift was awarded the starting job at center but disaster struck when he ruptured the ACL in his right knee after playing just over one minute in a pre-season game vs the Sacramento Kings. The resulting injury occurred when he twisted his right knee when he fell and went out of bounds awkwardly in front of the Seattle bench."
Kris Humphries (#14)- Why the hell didn't you stay in school donkey? Oh right, you could barely read (may or may not be true). Gotcha...well at least you can't be offended by your inclusion on this list.
Wow, the 2004 Draft just keeps on giving - the Mavs also took Pavel Podkolzin (#21). He's currently touring Europe tickling midgets in trees.
2003 Draft
Chris Kaman (#6) wants to get worse, I know it. But, it's probably a reach, so somehow the '03 draft (1st round anyway) avoided big white stiff idiocy. Fun Kaman fact while we're here: He spent much of his childhood on a chicken farm and as a child he used to tear shingles off of neighbors' rooftops.
2002 Draft
Ah yes, the magical mix of big white stiff and "athletic" European big man that makes GMs erect...Nikoloz Tskitishvili (#5). B-U-S-T. I mean, this guy was dropped from an NBA roster to make room for Joel Przybilla. And trust me, Joel's making this list too.
Curtis Borchardt (#18), Stanford - Prototypical BWS. Middle name should be "Injury Prone". I can't decide who should model for the BWS Bust I'm putting up in my cube: Borchardt, Hawes or Fuller.
2001 Draft
Sweet Jesus...cue The Weather Girls...it's raining (big horrible white) men:
Kirk Haston (#16) - Just another failed Hoosier in the pros. "In two years he had many stints on the injury reserve list due to a lower back injury." Nice work Charlotte.
Michael Bradley (#17) - I forgot this guy even existed. 5 NBA teams in 5 years. Awful.
2000 Draft
And the beat goes on...and the beat goes on...
Chris Mihm (#7) - Big. White. Stiff.
Joel Pryzbilla (#9) - Has more nicknames than post moves: "The Thrilla", "Joelthrilla", "Joelzilla" and "The Vanilla Gorilla."
Um, Jason Collier (#15)...let's just move on...
Jake Tsakalidis (#25) - Swapped in February of this year for fellow BWS Scott Padgett. Seems like an even, but utterly useless, deal.
Mark Madsen (#29) - Fantastic 12th man and victory parade dancer.
1999 Draft
Fredric Weis (#15) - I'll let the photo do all the work:
Cal Bowdler (#17) - I hate to rip on a CAA guy, but yep, he sure fits the BWS profile.
Scott Padgett (#28) - Damn good college player. That's all I got.
1998 Draft
I'll let Stephen A. handle this one: "RA-SHO NES-TER-O-VIC WITH THE #17 PICK???"
1997 Draft
(#12) Austin Croshere - Mediocre talent who hangs around the league and makes $7 million bucks a year. Unbelievable. Should be a god to all BWSs on this list.
1996 Draft
Todd Fuller (#11) - That got exhausting there for awhile, but it was all worth it to finish at Fuller. Sorry pal, you might be a nice guy, but when an NBA GM has smoked so much crack he takes you in the lottery we need to use you as the poster child for BWSS (Big White Stiff Syndrome). I watched him play in college, did the Warriors not have a TV? What he lacked in athleticism he made up for in awkward shooting touch. Nice. And just for fun, the '96 whitewash also included Vitaly Potapenko at #12 and Travis Knight at #29.
So, in closing, please, fellas, for you own good, stop drafting big white stiffs...
Posts
