Dorks, Dipshits, and Losers: Better Know Your Government

It's easy in the midst of the maelstrom of fuckery and norm-breaking that abounds to view the administration as some sort of all-powerful menace, inexorably grinding the country down through its might and single-minded purpose. When that happens, I think it's vitally important to remind ourselves that nothing this administration seeks is inevitable, and a large reason for that is the fact that it's made up of a coterie of morons, grifters, and racist true believers, led by the most corrupt yet incompetent weeble of them all.

You've likely heard some variation of this from me - and you likely will again - but I stand by my conviction that Tim Walz was on the right track when he relentlessly called the GOP goon squad weird. And I remain angry that the centrist Democratic consultants neutered him and moved away from that messaging. It was both accurate and successful in bursting the bubble of authority that surrounded Trump and his minions.

So we come here today to do a bit more bubble-bursting, offering you a practical guide to the various shitbirds that roost in Washington. David Roth, a far better writer than I, framed these folks this way: "These are clowns, factory seconds, prissy sadistic losers, and the clock is ticking. They know as much. They also really mean it."

I think there are three primary classifications of Trumpian sycophants: dorks, dipshits, and losers. The first are socially awkward and painfully aware of it even as they try too hard to compensate for it. The dipshits are just really fucking dumb. And the losers, they're desperate for approval, and willing to do just about anything to get it.

Herewith a definitive cataloguing of various satellites orbiting our corpulent and venal wannabe dictator:

Pam Bondi is dipshit with dingus tendencies. She's smart on paper - law degree, Attorney General of a major state - but her Department of Justice is marked by basic mistakes, shitty legal arguments, and terrible writing, and she's been caught in more lies than John Lovitz's Tommy Flanagan.

JD Vance is charisma-free dork, a striver who's as likely to leave his fly unzipped as he is to break a trophy while trying to pick it up.

Vice President JD Vance drops Ohio State's national championship trophy at White House event
byu/ILikeTuwtles1991 inCFB

Stephen Miller is a malicious loser. I'm going to relish his eventual perp walk the most. Hateful, petulant, and cruel is no way to go through life. Judging by videos from his high school days and stories from his time as a Congressional aide, he's always been this way. Now he's got the ear of the world's most powerful person.

Kash Patel is a textbook dipshit. Just look at this clown.

Howard Lutnick and Steve Witkoff are dorkshits, a mishmash of Messrs. Bean and Magoo. Blithely stumbling their way around the world spreading misunderstanding, misreading situations, drawing inaccurate conclusions and generally making America the world's worst dinner guest.

Pete Hegseth is a dipshit with good hair. A bumbling drunken chucklefuck who's failed his way from one gig to another because he's conventionally handsome and the President* thought he looked good on television. 

RFK Jr. is also a dipshit, and much like Hegseth, though his primary advantage is having won the Lucky Sperm lottery, even as he's tried and tried and tried to piss away America's long-standing affection for his family. While I think Miller's aims are more dangerous, Kennedy is the member of this troupe of turds most likely to get us killed.

Tulsi Gabbard is a crazy person who's convinced that she knows more than everyone else. I guess that makes her a dipshit.

Marco Rubio is a self-loathing loser. He's the Reek of the administration, castrated, flayed, humiliated and continuing to come back for more.

Laura Loomer is a raging dipshit, a racist moron who's somehow wormed her way into the inner circle through sheer force of anti-Muslim, anti-black wrongness.

Jesus, Lord in Heaven take a look at that list of scoundrels and know that it isn't even complete. We didn't even get to Congress, where we could talk about Lindsay Graham (loser), Mike Johnson (obsequious dork), Nancy Mace (dipshit), et al.

I think we need a bit of a cleanse. Here's just the thing. Compare and contrast that retinue of rottenness with Curtis Evans.

This dude is a 65 year-old Marine Corps veteran and progressive activist. The photo above was taken at a protest near an ICE facility outside Chicago. The smoke visible in the image is tear gas. According to the linked article, Evans' said his Marine training kicked in as the smoke built up around him and he managed to tamp down his body's natural flight reaction. From the piece, "The Marine veteran plans to go back to the Broadview facility to join more future protests. He said that even with the clash, he doesn’t fear other American citizens. And if they fire more tear gas and pepper balls? “Pain only hurts,” Evans said."

Badass, this guy. Be like him, not like the prissy sadistic losers above.