Whit is many things but he is neither old and ostentatious, nor a rapper, nor a pro athlete, nor under 30, nor a dooshnozzle. He should not drive a Bentley. I know exactly what he should drive. And I will tell you over the course of an overly-long post. I might even turn this into a recurring shtick.
Whit is big and American. He is a man of the people, salt of the earth. He is thirsty. He guzzles beer, which is his fuel. He can be loud, but often in a good way. Sometimes in a bad way. He sticks out wherever he goes. He is highly visible but not visually offensive. But he isn't exactly beautiful either. He loves to travel and he loves to hang out with lots of friends.
Whit should drive a 1969 Chevrolet Impala convertible in Butternut Yellow with a black top and black interior. The base 327 engine with an automatic transmission is all he needs--Whit's out for cruising in comfort, not speed.
The Impala is massive. It can easily hold six people, their luggage, and a keg of beer. It has bench seats for SOB turns. All of this obviously suits Whit's lifestyle.
Like Whitney, the 327 drinks deeply, swiftly and often. The internet says it gets 12.7 MPG with a manual transmission and that's probably too high.
It's a Chevy so it's down-to-earth. Snobs don't drive Chevrolets. You won't be upset if a bird poops on your Impala, or if someone spills ketchup on the vinyl seats. Ownership isn't stressful.
Like Whitney these cars are not strikingly beautiful but they are inoffensive to look at and you cannot miss them on the road. That said, the pastel Butternut Yellow is calming. Even when it's going fast, a Butternut Yellow Impala seems be be gliding smoothly and slowly down the road. The power steering is preposterously boosted so they can be driven with one finger. The experience is, in a word, relaxed.
And, of course, the top goes down to enjoy great weather on the way to the beach. That's what Whit should drive.
This has potential as a recurring series! Unless, of course, you decide I should drive a 1986 Dodge Caravan w/ faux wood paneling.
ReplyDeleteWait a sec - HBO got Dinklage to star in a movie about a night in the life of Herve Villechaize!? And it’s airing next Sat. night!?
ReplyDeleteSold.
You’re next. Seriously. Your edition writes itself. No minivans.
ReplyDeletei'm googling 'iranian muscle car', but i can't find anything. i'm excited for the tr episode of wcsagd.
ReplyDeletemy kids' high school made deadspin today. that's not something you ever really want:
ReplyDeletehttps://deadspin.com/report-police-investigating-possible-sexual-assault-du-1829697883
you might imagine the hue and cry in this neck of the woods. the school did a poor job of informing the community, which ensured that the rumor mill got way out ahead of the facts. there's a faction calling for the season to be cancelled, and another faction saying that the independent actions of a small number of kids shouldn't tar the entire team. me, i don't think we have enough facts to make a decision - but that hasn't stopped people from taking sides. it's super fun.
Zman, this post is awesome. I will look into it. I always saw myself in the 1964 Cadillac Deville Convertible that Morris Buttermaker drove when he managed the Bears. Complete with the cooler of old school Bud heavy cans in the back seat and a Phillies blunt with the plastic tip hanging out of my mouth.
ReplyDeleteAnd tall, dark, and inoffensive is what I’ve been going for. Thanks.
This car also screams yacht rock. Perfect for Whit.
ReplyDeletewhit gots him a chevy, it's as big as a whale, and he's about to set saaaaaillll.
ReplyDeleteI think a big old Cadillac is too over-the-top for you. You don't want something so "hey look at me," you already stick out in a crowd. I've spend a considerable amount of time in, around, and under a 1969 Butternut Yellow Chevy Impala convertible (we had one when I was a kid) so I know this car. It's cool and fun and interesting and no one thinks poorly of you for driving one. There's an old-school TV repair store that I pass on my way home from work and the guy who owns it parks his 1968 Chevy Impala convertible in front of it every day. It's a weird silver color (I think it's repainted) and he's a weird guy but he was enthused the one time I saw him and talked to him about the car.
ReplyDeleteLove this series. Looking forward to the next post
ReplyDeleteThere currently are no Chevy Impalas on BaT. I’ll keep looking.
ReplyDeleteI think Z is on point with this vehicle rec. I'll watch my local listings here for one.
ReplyDeleteIs there a service where you can rent classic cars like that?
ReplyDeletehttps://classiccarclubmanhattan.com/fleet/
ReplyDeleteWhilst I was peeing, a coworker sidled up to the adjacent urinal and said "What do you think about 9/11?" No preamble, just threw it out there. I said "It was horrible." He then asked "Who do you think is responsible?" I said "Osama bin Laden." He then expressed skepticism that this is the case. At length. I will not get into the details because they're not good, but I will add that this guy is a tremendous fan of Donald Trump.
ReplyDeletei can't find the exact legal precedent, z (i'll keep looking, as i know it's out there), but i believe you're well within your rights to turn and piss all over that dude's pants in that scenario.
ReplyDeleteDude's big, a dead ringer for Voorhees. I'll let you pee on him and see what happens.
ReplyDeleteyour heirs would get a sweet settlement
ReplyDeleteSo Z... yes?
ReplyDeletehttps://classics.autotrader.com/classic-cars/1969/chevrolet/impala/100969034
i wonder what the premium for being joe maddon's former car is
ReplyDeleteNot loving the nose piercing trend among modern women. So all you ladies vying to be my future second ex-wife, leave those nostrils intact.
ReplyDeleteYes Whit, yes. This will sound stupid but the photo of the dashboard taken from the passenger side chokes me up. You can see what I used to call "the button" to the left of the ashtray. That's the button that puts the top up and down. Nothing pleased a (very) young zman more than getting to push the button. It has the 350 which is more than you need but whatever, it's an Arizona car so it should be rust-free, it has Joe Maddon's seal of approval, and it's cheaper than a Honda Civic. Buy it, get a AAA membership (the high level one with 250 miles of free towing), then drive it home.
ReplyDeleteIt actually has some rust in the front passenger side wheel well. I'm also a little worried about those speakers mounted on the transmission tunnel, particularly the one with no grill and wires sticking out of it. But man, I love these old Impalas.
ReplyDeletewow. i got way behind on my gheorghe. i like this new series, i think rob should drive a moped.
ReplyDeleteWife commandeered the remote and put it on ABC. There is an absurdly awful game show hosted by Fred Savage, whose skills are not suited for being an emcee. I want those ten minutes of my life back. Fred should stick to smoking weed at Phish shows.
ReplyDeleteIt’s not as cool as Jon Voight’s LeBaron.
ReplyDeleteWhat jumps out at you?
ReplyDelete1975 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham
$7000 5 days
BaT Essentials
Lot #13311
Seller: kenbaker1265
Location: Delray Beach, Florida 33483
Chassis: 6B69S5Q278355
75k Miles Shown
500ci Cadillac V8
3-Speed Automatic
Jennifer Blue over Blue Leather
$7k In Recent Services
Refreshed AC System
New Tires
Reportedly Built for Frank Sinatra
Private Party or Dealer: Dealer
Additional Charges From This Dealer: USD $0 Document Fee
That is awesome
Chassis B69 was one hell of a chassis.
ReplyDeleteIt’s not even 11am. TBS (basic cable) is airing a show called The Guest Book. It’s absolutely filthy. Very funny, but absolutely filthy.
ReplyDeleteI am legit excited for DC United - FC Dallas today. A win puts DC United into a playoff spot (for now, at least).
ReplyDeleteIndeed.com sends me “invitations” to apply for jobs with some frequency. They are almost never relevant to what I actually do so I never expect these invitations to interest me. I got an invitation to apply for a head of fundraising position at the David Lynch Foundation. As in “Eraserhead” and “Twin Peaks” David Lynch. Apparently he has a non-profit that promotes transcendental meditation. I know nothing about TM or fundraising but working for David Lynch would probably be interesting.
ReplyDeleteI say you go for it, Z.
ReplyDeleteFlorida couldn’t have played worse for the first 20+ minutes of the game. I’d have appreciated a much less stressful game but am impressed by the mental toughness the displayed. That’s not a game they in at any point in the past 5-6 years.
Get your mantra first, Zed.
ReplyDeleteUCF catching this L would be great. UCF fans are becoming insufferable. Safety school ass motherfuckers.
ReplyDeleteFucking UCF...
ReplyDeleteThe 10-min stretch where MSU-PSU and Oregon-Wash ended almost simultaneously was pretty fun.
ReplyDeleteJake Fromm should start exploring transfer opportunities. He is not good enough.
Grilled lamb chops, grilled bacon, shishito peppers and sautéed spinach with chopped bacon and fresh garlic. I cooked the shut out of some food tonight.
ReplyDeleteTR did the damn thing tonight on the grill. At least that’s what it seems. I did nothing (food wise) but the oysters and wings I had from the bar were delicious.
ReplyDeleteI’m still a neophyte (in my own mind, at least) until I get some sort of smoker
ReplyDeleteTwas my birthday on Wednesday. Shout out for o Whitney
ReplyDeleteLast year was my 40th and I was on the road for work so my wife tried to blow it out this year. She did. Multiple celebrations and a number of good gifts including two bottles of the new whiskey from McGregor.
I’m not partying in Leiderhosen like TR or becoming upper management like Rob but life is still pretty good.
loudoun soccer's own sam onyeador with a couple of key saves in the final minutes to keep a clean sheet, and tribe soccer wins, 1-0, against delaware. tr can't decide if he's happy, or pissed because this might slow down the fire norris train.
ReplyDeleteA good smoker is a game changer. You’re giving yourself more study and more overall labor but it’s well worth the effort. If your family likes meat at all a good smoker can turn you into a god damn hero.
ReplyDeleteVery cool scene in Ames. Big upset win vs WVU, crowd charges the field, announcers crank Sweet Caroline, and the fans go nuts singing along to it. Big 12 and Pac 12 are poop.
ReplyDeleteSoccer conundrum indeed! Tribe AD is (hopefully) more focused on getting a football coach who isn’t a walking corpse. But the deterioration in the soccer program is a bummer.
ReplyDeleteI started watching Maniac in Netflix and so far it feels like what would happen if Wes Anderson tried to make Blade Runner.
ReplyDelete