The Best Game in Football

A wise head texted me this quote from yesterday's Rose Garden press conference without comment:

I laugh in your general direction.

"At what point does America get demeaned? At what point do they start laughing at us as a country? We want fair treatment. We don't want other countries and other leaders to laugh at us anymore."

While America and its increasingly infantile president* hurtles headlong into irrelevance on a wave of stupidity and xenophobic paranoia, the ripples of laughter from the global community growing in volume and frequency (nervous laughter, it must be said, because who the fuck knows when babytrump's tiny brain and giant ego get embarrassed to the point where he bombs someone to make the meanies shut up), we seek solace in dipshittery and sports.

European sports, in this case, though our domestic championship series in basketball and hockey are fun, too.

Tomorrow at 2:45 Eastern, two of the world's biggest football clubs tangle in Cardiff, Wales for the UEFA Champions League title. Real Madrid are gunning for their second consecutive championship and third in four years. No club has ever won back to back Champions League trophies. Opposite Madrid, the legendary Italian side Juventus makes its second finals appearance in three years.

Both clubs have appeared in six UCL championship matches, a record tally. Madrid have won all five of their previous appearances, while Juve have lost four of their five, with only a 1996 win over Ajax to their credit.

Total dick, right?

Beyond the titanic names on the front of the jerseys, some (me) might argue that this is a battle of good versus evil. Real Madrid's historical association with the oppressive rule of Francisco Franco is bad enough, but they feature prettyboy gloryhound Cristiano Ronaldo, and spend like drunken sailors. It's true enough that Ronaldo is a sublime talent, among the most skilled and ruthless goalscorers of all time. But he kinda seems like a dick, you know?

Juventus, on the other hand, while bestriding Italian football like a colossus, is still the squad of hardworking, blue collar Turin (it's possible that I'm overstating this for effect), the center of Italy's automotive industry. Sure, the club has won six consecutive Serie A titles, and we rooted for Roma to overtake them in this, Francisco Totti's final season, but for tomorrow, Juve are a tiny little underdog, battling the forces of darkness and global domination.

They're also battling the forces of Madrid's balanced and deadly offense, led by Ronaldo, but featuring brilliant talents like Gareth Bale (battling an injury), Karim Benzema, Isco, Alvaro Morata, Toni Kroos, and Luka Modric. Madrid have scored in an absurd 64 consecutive matches in all competitions, with 32 goals in 12 Champions League matches to date.

Buffon!

Juventus, though, seem uniquely qualified to stand up to Madrid's offensive firepower. Backstopped by the legendary Gianluigi Buffon, the Old Lady's back line of Leonardo Bonucci, Giorgio Chiellini, and Andrea Barzagli, in partnership with wingback Dani Alves and defensive midfielder Sami Khedira, have conceded a mere three goals in their 12 matches, with nine clean sheets.

Irresistible force, meet immovable object.

We're not one for predictions here, at least not accurate ones, but Juve's defense has been sick. They blanked Barcelona twice in the quarterfinals, and only a late, inconsequential goal from Monaco's Kylian Mbappe in the final leg of the semifinals kept the Bionconeri from recording shutouts in all six knockout stage matches. It says here that the cup heads to Italy on a late tally from the head of the towering Chiellini.

I wouldn't bet on it, though.