Drug Week: Public Service Announcement

"Get ripped off in a drug deal, and there's not a whole lot you can do. It's not like you can complain to the Better Business Bureau or leave your dealer a lousy review on Yelp. As one dealer puts it, "I mean, what you gonna do? What, you gonna go up to the police and say, 'Hey man, he skeeted me out of an ounce'? Hell no."

First, Yelp for drug dealers sounds like a brilliant idea. Who's in charge of app development around here?

More importantly, though, as we continue with our drug week coverage, until our call for legalization is heeded across the nation, you'll want to make sure you check out the sublimely and coincidentally perfectly named The Week's guide to safely purchasing your recreational meds.

While some of the recommendations are fairly obvious - 'do not be an addict' seems particularly intuitive, for example - what strikes me even more is that nearly all of the guidelines apply to commercial transactions of all types. Repeat customers are more likely to get better treatment, for example. My dry cleaner, a lovely Asian woman (it's not a stereotype; it's true), with an unfortunate habit of telling one of my daughters that's she's prettier than the other, charges me a discounted rate every time I bring my things to her. I've been going to her store for nearly 10 years. I'm a good customer, and I get treated as such.

As for The Week's advice to 'not offend the seller', again, this would seem to be self-evident. Common sense, even.

In the interest of public safety, then, here's the entire list of things to do to protect your interests in a drug deal, as compiled by criminologists Scott  Jacques, Andrea Allen, and Richard Wright (who seem to have gone to significant lengths to justify buying a bunch of weed):

(1) Portray yourself to the seller as likely to make further purchases if satisfied.
(2) Buy from the same seller on a regular basis.
(3) Become acquainted with the seller to the greatest degree possible.
(4) Bring the dollar amount specified by the seller.
(5) Be informed about the going market rate: price per unit of a particular grade.
(6) Do not offend the seller.
(7) Present yourself as willing to take your business elsewhere, complain, or retaliate.
(8) Do not be an addict.