My kids have been holy hell on wheels over the past month or so. Fortunately, they're a bit more naive than Dave's miscreants. They got the following letter in the mail today, and believed every word:
Elf
Laboratory Behavioral Observation Workgroup (ELBOW)
Santa’s
Workshop, North Pole, NP
December 12, 2011
Katy
& Reilly
Dear
Katy & Reilly:
As you know,
the Elf Laboratory Behavioral Observation Workgroup (ELBOW) is responsible for
monitoring the behavior of children across the globe to ensure that Santa’s
sleigh is packed with the appropriate gifts. In most cases, ELBOW simply observes and does not communicate
with individual children. However,
each year, ELBOW finds it necessary to reach out to certain children to ensure
that they understand the importance of their actions. Usually, this happens
when children who are usually on the ‘NICE’ list behave in a manner that places
them in jeopardy of placement on the ‘NAUGHTY’ list.
We regret
to inform you that ELBOW has observed both of you exhibiting an increasing
incidence of the following negative behaviors:
·
Yelling
at each other and your parents;
·
Not
listening to your parents and not doing what you are asked when you are asked;
and
·
Being
mean to each other.
Please
consider this letter a warning. If your behavior does not improve between now
and Christmas Eve, ELBOW will be required to inform Santa’s Sleigh Loading Team
that you have been naughty, and that the required actions should be taken with
respect to your presents. Santa
very much wants to visit your house and bring you the gifts his team has selected
specifically for you, but his visit to your house is entirely dependent
upon your behavior.
Fortunately,
you have the power to influence ELBOW’s recommendation in this matter. Simply
begin behaving in the polite, positive, and cheerful manner ELBOW knows you are
capable of behaving, and ELBOW will once again recommend that you be included
on the list of nice children.
Please feel free to write me or Santa at the address above should you
have any questions or wish to let us know how you plan to address the concerns
in this letter.
Thank
you for your attention to this matter, and have a Merry Christmas.
Sincerely,
Rudyard Eartops
Chief, ELBOW Communication Branch
Posts
12 comments:
wow. quite a juxtaposition of filler. i'm going to try that with MY kids (the latter filler).
my kids are pretending to believe in santa again as christmas approaches-- they don't want to screw up the getting when it's good . . .
my mother occasionally reads gtb - figured i'd push teejay's worthy contribution down the page a bit
Yet another plug from me for the bush administration in Teej's pictures. Especially lately. Met a few dudes in their mid-twenties that have never been with a girl who wasn't utterly shorn. Boo.
And wait a minute... Your daughters have known the secret of where babies come from for years but are still convinced Kris Kringle is watching their every move???
I can't believe you sent a cease and desist letter from Santa to your kids.
My friend JP once made the following incredibly badass comment: "The last time I was with an unwaxed woman, she wasn't with me." We have Sex and the City to thank for this mass waxing phenomenon.
Clever letter Rob--hope it works for you.
And you guys are disgusting.
way to go, teejay
Rob hates muff
good timing from 'the atlantic', as well as a tour de force of euphemism: http://t.co/Xsw3PqCO
Tony Hawk has some good filler.
Leave it to literati rob to come up with a relevant reference. For the record, the first time I got my junk waxed it hurt like hell, but now I'm used to it. It's the only way to go.
I've never been with a girl who was full bush. Always landing strip or completely shorn. I see nothing wrong with this.
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