I also have some information to present, but I don't have the skills to make it beautiful-- but that doesn't mean my information is any less important. The form I am going with is a little uglier, but it's certainly pragmatic . . . I call it a list.
The states are in their correct order (which is the order of how much I like them). Not every state made the list. If you're state isn't on the list, consider moving to a state that I like better.
1. New Jersey. Best diners, guidos, and pizza.
2. Colorado. Best skiing and hangovers.
3. New Mexico. Best Mexican food (while still being in America).
4. North Carolina. Best fishing. I would know.
5. Montana. Best at Looking like a Coors' Commercial (ironically).
6. Arizona. Best Gash.
7. Virginia. Best Pork BBQ.
8. Mississippi. Best River.
9. Louisiana. Best Crawdads.
10. Florida. Best Phallic Shape.
11. Alaska. Best Bugs.
12. Vermont. Best Syrup, Best Gravy Fries, and Best Marijuana (coincidence?)
13. Maine. Frattiest City Name (Bangor? I just met her!)14. Massachusetts. Best Gay Scene (according to the Teej.)
15. Arkansas. Easiest Inbred Girls (according to the zman.)
16. Minnesota. Best State to pick-up by "tapping" in a rest room.
17. Nebraska. Best Bestiality. (According to Igor.)
18. Alabama. Best State to Name a Bad Band After.19. West Virginia. Best Mining Catastrophes, and Best Butt of Redneck Jokes.
20. Georgia. Best Cinematic Setting for a Redneck Sodomy Scene.
21. Rhode Island. Best at Being Small (Rob's favorite State)
22. Delaware. Best at Being Flat. The topography, not the girls.
23. Kentucky. Best caves.
24. Nevada. Best Cannibalism Story.
25. Utah. Best Fanatical Religious Zealots.
26. California. Best Mudslide Footage.
27. Maryland. Best Crabs. Both kinds.
28. Washington. Best Place to Commit Suicide.
29. District of Columbia: Best Mayor: Marion Barry.
30. Wyoming. Best Gay Cowboys.
31. Hawaii. Best Theme Song from a TV Show with the State's Name in it.
32. Pennsylvania. Best Cheese-steaks.
33. New York. Best Frank Sinatra Song.
34. Connecticut. Best Snotty Private Schools.
35. Texas. Best Little Whorehouse.
36. Ohio. Best Little Hot Dogs.Enough of this. The rest of the states don't even rate a mention. Like I said, if your state is not on the list, move!
Point of order: Kansas laughs at the notion of any other state being #18. Now . . . carry on, my wayward son.
ReplyDeleteRob would like to remind you that Hannah Montana's theme song qualifies for #31. A big oversight, says the little guy.
ReplyDeleteAnd no Ohio? I can't believe you're still bitter about the "Coneys Incident" at Skyline Chili. It's been six years. Let it go.
ReplyDeletethe picture disappeared!
ReplyDeleteonce again, the list is DEFINITIVE. no debating. everythign on it is correct.
Wait a second...there's a NEW mexico?
ReplyDeleteEverything on this list is indeed correct except that "Brokeback Mountain" has the best gay scene, which you would know if you had chosen to see the movie instead of living it. Once this particular oversight is rectified (ha!) I think you should award Massachusetts with Best Decriminalized Marijuana.
ReplyDeleteigor - i'm pickin up what your laying down.
ReplyDeletei'm very happy to see that va is up dare on dat list...but pork bbq?
The apostrophe police are investigating this post with vigor....
ReplyDeleteDave, I'm at work, so I added some pics. Hopefully they enhance your prose. If not, well, tough.
ReplyDelete/teej'd
at my daughter's softball game. the opposing coach has a huge van halen tattoo encircling his calf. i'm guessing he felt a lot better about it 15 years ago. or he's a huge gary cherone fan.
ReplyDeleteCan you snap a photo of said tat with yer nifty ifone?
ReplyDeleteThe Teej - what are you doing working? On a Saturday nonetheless? I assume by "work" you mean you're trolling the yootoobs for muppet-metal-mashups.
ReplyDeleteMore or less, yes.
ReplyDeleteTR...gift:
ReplyDeletehttp://bit.ly/dbw48u
my daughter's doing the robot. while playing shortstop.
ReplyDeleteTell her to do the worm in the batters box.
ReplyDeleteOn May 22, 2010 at 2:02 pm, we received visual confirmation that rob's daughter is already an order of magnitude cooler than him. I assume your wife has the more dominant dancing gene.
ReplyDeletei put in brokeback-- wyoming-- best gay cowboys.
ReplyDeleteplease edit my apostrophes. i have always had trouble with them and i was in a rush-- we went to the teacher/cop/police rally in trenton. 35,000 people! me and my friends were the only ones there walking around with beer in paper bags and water bottles full of win and sprite.
ReplyDeleteThe Magic and Sund could really use some of your water bottles of win.
ReplyDeleteYep. That's what I get for correcting someone else's spelling.
ReplyDeleteDuke vs. UNC in the lax quarterfinals. It's not hoops, but there's still a good amount of venom in this game. I like it.
ReplyDeleteAren't any of you soccer donkeys watching the UEFA match on Fox?
ReplyDeleteGus the Kicking Mule II: Soccer Donkey is fun for the whole family.
ReplyDeleteEvery time iTunes Genius suggests "Soul Donkey" I think of the Teej.
ReplyDeleteDuke with 5 unanswered, pulling away. That I am not including anything resembling a classless, all too easy stripper rape joke means I am growing as a person.
ReplyDeleteTonight I am going to a symphonic performance of the songs of Queen. (Because my woman works for the arts festival putting it on.) Any chance they do a symphonic version of "Fat Bottomed Girls"?
ReplyDeleteChamps League finals was underwhelming. I always root against the diving Italians and was pissed they won. And the announcer's accent (Scottish?) was almost unintelligible. I may as well have been listening to an Irvine Welsh character.
ReplyDeleteCan somebody explain the two-day hiatus we had for the conference finals? Needless. And irritating, considering I was aching for something good to watch while lying on my bed and dripping bloody mucus out of my nostrils the last two nights.
ReplyDeleteMalcolm X on BET HD. Git some.
ReplyDeleteRob's daughter's rendition of the robot made me laugh. At least how I mentioned it.
ReplyDeleteOne more thing: I gave up the weed a couple weeks ago (preparing for a new job and possible drug test, which of course never came. The test, not the job) and less than a week later I was badly injured (and I'm still fucking hurt). This is no coincidence. I will resume my normal illegal activities on Monday. My money's on a miraculous recovery.
Just had my first jello shot in several years. Game on.
ReplyDeleteMark, I too had to give up the ganj because of this walking pneumonia. I sure hope someone on the editorial staff kept our ripken-esque streak alive in our absence.
ReplyDeleteHold on. TR, how high on script drugs were you at 5:19pm?
ReplyDeleteI've run out of ways to praise Rajon Rondo. He's awesome in nearly every way a PG can be.
ReplyDeleteMy only knock on Rondo is those goofy longjohns.
ReplyDeleteRajon Rondo's so fast he can go back in time and save Lois Lane from an earthquake.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I just saw that Bryce Harper is 6 for 6 tonight with 4 HRs for his juco team.
ReplyDeleteNats World Series Champs '13
just got back from a party (hoopie says hi, teej). 47 fucking points in three quarters? tom thibodeau needs a raise.
ReplyDeleteHelllllllo Hoopie...
ReplyDeleteFor anyone wondering, they did play Fat Bottomed Girls. And it wasn't terribly symphonic. There were 50 classical musicians onstage but largely drowned out by electric guitar, bass, and drums. The orchestra came in handy during the Highlander song "Who Wants ot Lie Forever." Good stuff.
ReplyDeleteFinal season of Footloose...forgot "Almost Paradise" preceeding Bacon's histrionics.
ReplyDeleteOr final scene. Either work.
ReplyDeleteHow could we ask for more?
ReplyDeleteI always thought the footloose kids were a little too good at dancing. I mean, what are the odds a dude had a freaking awesome robot stored away under years of opression.
And yes, I'm hammered.
What's up with Nyjer Morgan stealing my signature softball defensive play? At least I spice it up by tossing the glove over the fence.
ReplyDeletePour some out...Lima Time is over.
ReplyDeletehttp://tinyurl.com/39j4exn
After dropping an album titled "Hip Hop is Dead" a few years ago, Nas says hiphop is still alive. But he said it to the Wall Street Journal, and I think that cuts the wrong way. When I think WSJ I don't think of rhyming. Stealing maybe, but not rhyming.
ReplyDeletehttp://tinyurl.com/37atlke
If they're doing it in a drunken state they'll be rocking those rhymes all the way to Hell's gate.
ReplyDelete