G:TB's Week 12 NFL Picks: You Don't Mess with the Zo(lt)han

San Francisco @ Dallas (-11)

Meatloaf is delicious, and underrated. On a chilly fall evening like the ones we're currently experiencing in the Mid-Atlantic, it's hard to beat a warm, moist, perfectly spiced hunk of baked ground beef glazed with a vaguely ketchuppy substance. Sometimes, a stew is nice, too, or a hearty winter soup. You can fuck right off with your sweet potatoes, though. I presume that Meatloaf, the singer, is less delicious, but he's probably equally underrated. I like the Cowboys to cover. And meatloaf. The food.

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Indianapolis (+3) at San Diego
Things we know: The Colts' offense is getting healthy. Norv Turner will be coaching San Diego Sunday night. Norv Turner will be coaching San Diego in 2009. LT is running on empty (but not like Jackson Browne sang about so many years ago). People believe in Peyton's arm more than they believe in Norval's brain.

Peter King likes the Chargers. He busted out the misleading stat that the Chargers haven't lost at home since Week 2. That's because they lost at home on Week 1. Ease up on the lattes, Petey! The Chargers are two games behind a smelly Broncos squad in the AFC West race. That makes them a terrible team. Enough said on that. The Colts will throw and run all over the hobbled San Diego defense in the balmy southern California air. They will have their "we're-definitely-back-in-the-thick-of-the-playoff-race" moment on Sunday night because they are fired up to play in a town named after a whale's vagina. Actually, that's not true. Nobody knows what San Diego means. Take the Colts. And sip on three fingers of Glenlivet while watching the game.

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Giants @ Arizona (+3)
You know what's fucking fantastic? The new Steak n' Bacon melt from Subway. I know, I know, Subway is the worst place to get a good sandwich that any of us could imagine and the food there is anything but fresh. Listen to me, disregard everything you know about Subway and get yourself one of these fine flatbread sandwiches. If you are hungover come Sunday morning (and you should be) take a trip up to your local Subway, make sure to never make eye contact with the troll, er, sandwich artist making your sandwich and get your ass back to the house in time for the 1 pm kickoff. I guarantee you it will not only be delicious but also just greasy enough to stem the tide of your "fuck, I'm 30 and this hurts way more than it used to" hangover.

What does all that have to do with this game? Do I have to spell everything out for you people?
See, Kurt Warner is Subway. He rose to prominence in the early 2000s with the Rams (Jared campaign) before quickly falling back to the pack of average NFL signal callers. Now, he's back to shredding defenses ($5 footlooongs) and praising Jeebus at every turn. Sadly, much like the Steak n' Bacon, Warner's resurgence is for a limited time only. He's going to get crushed by a relentless Giants pass rush on Sunday and Arizona's going to be eliminated in the first round of the upcoming playoffs. The Cardinals, like Subway, are only good in comparison to the rest of the NFC West (fast food). Take the Giants.

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Philadelphia @ Baltimore (-1.5)

Believe it or not, there is actually a Vegas line for back to back ties in the NFL (that's in the regular season for those classy QB's reading at home). It currently stands at 569 to 1. While I don't think I'd take even those odds, this will be a close game. The Ravens defense has been on a Ray Ray-imposed penance of raw meat and pickle juice since last week's embarassing performance versus the G-boys; so a safety or two will be the difference here. G:TB likes the Ravens in this one. Blackbirds win it 5-3.