"...it felt good to be out of the rain..."DATELINE: San Juan, Puerto Rico. It appears we've located the Washington Generals of the horse racing world - it's a 9-year-old Puerto Rican horse named Dona Chepa. Yesterday the ancient brown mare finished last (shocker) in a six horse field at Camarero Racetrack (some call it the Yonkers Raceway of eastern Puerto Rico), resulting in the horse's 125th consecutive loss, which, according to the silly article I found on the internet, is the longest in horse racing history. I tried to call Tom Durkin to confirm, but he won't answer his phone (could be he's still mad at me over the "Travers Incident").
The track spokesman said Dona Chepa's loss jumps her ahead of the Australian horse Ouroene, who was a stellar 0-124 from 1976-83. HOWEVAH, and it's a big HOWEVAH, there apparently is no world governing body that tracks horse futility (can't we get the Elias Sports Bureau to track this? or maybe Howie Schwab?). Dona Chepa's ineptitude though does surpass all other known horse suckiness:
-The aforementioned Aussie failure
-Japan's Gloria Springs (0-106)
-North America's Thrust (0-105, North America)
-Britain's Quixall Crossett (0-103, Britain)
(Anyone else a bit surprised there's no French horse on this list?)
No one saw this coming - Dona Chepa comes from a distinguished line of champion racers, and was sent to all the finest private schools. Her debut on Valentine's Day 2001 was supposed to be the beginning of something magical. Alas, it was not to be. Once, in May 2003, Dona Chepa came in 2nd (there was much rejoicing). And, despite her apparent lack of any horse racing "skills", Dona Chepa has managed to pocketed $12,971 (the horse has finished out of the money a whopping 90 times).
Don't be sad for Dona Chepa or her trainer, dear reader. The article really lifts your spirit with this final note:
The last-place finish Wednesday wasn't a total loss for trainer Efrain Nieves, who received a plaque from the Camarero Racetrack to mark Dona Chepa's record-breaking streak.
Annoying classic rock?? America is awesome, and although I didn't intend it in the flag-waving Commie-hating rah-rah war-mongering American Legion post 306 painted red with five gold stars mindless blathering kind of way, it works for both meanings.
ReplyDelete"Horse with No Name" is lyrical brilliance: "There were plants and birds and rocks and . . . things"
Sometimes the right word is just around that next corner, one which you the writer will never round.
Much like the Alice Cooper classic "School's Out":
ReplyDeleteWell we got no class
And we got no principles
And we got no innocence
We can't even think of a word that rhymes
R.E.M's "Begin the Begin":
ReplyDeleteAnswer me a question
I can't itemize
I can't think clear
You look to me for reason
It's not there
I can't even rhyme
Here in the begin
Which leads us to:
ReplyDeleteRandom Idiots, "Hey Evan":
Riding home to our regular lives
Regular jobs, regular wives
Evan, you never seemed to mind
(Even when our lyrics didn't really rhyme)
and of course:
ReplyDeleteBecause mutiny on the bounty's what we're all about
I'm gonna board your ship and turn it on out
No soft sucker with a parrot on his shoulder'
Cause I'm bad gettin' bolder - cold getting colder
Terrorizing suckers on the seven seas
And if you've got beef -
you'll get capped in the knees
We got sixteen men on a dead man's
chest
And I shot those suckers and I'll shoot the rest
Most illingest b-boy - I got that feeling
Cause I am most ill and I'm rhymin' and stealin'
And don't forget:
ReplyDeleteOh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance.
Just get on the floor and do the New Kids' dance.
Don't worry 'bout nothing 'cause it won't take long.
We're gonna put you in a trance with a funky song, 'cause you gotta be
Hangin' tough, hangin' tough, hangin' tough.
We're rough.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Everybody's always talkin' 'bout who's on top.
Don't cross our path 'cause you're gonna get stomped.
We ain't gonna give anybody any slack.
And if you try to keep us down we're gonna come right back,
and you know we're
Hangin' tough, hangin' tough, hangin' tough.
Are you tough enough?
Hangin' tough, hangin' tough, hangin' tough.
We're rough.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Get loose everybody 'cause we're gonna do our thing.
'Cause you know it ain't over 'till the fat lady sings.
Hangin' tough, hangin' tough, hangin' tough.
Are you tough enough?
Hangin' tough, hangin' tough, hangin' tough.
We're rough.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, just hangin' tough, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hangin' tough.
What's the over/under on people the New Kids "stomped"?
ReplyDeleteOK, someone want to check on Whitney this morning?
ReplyDeleteHere's my guess at the MLC post title for today:
"Uggla Kid Joe"
Damn it - he went with "The Dead Milkmen"
ReplyDeleteWhat's the over/under on the number of people who have any idea who the Dead Milkmen are?
ReplyDeleteLet's say 6. No wait, 9. That sounds better.
ReplyDeletec'mon, the dead milkmen aren't that obscure. you people need to get out more.
ReplyDeleteOh Herm, you old, out-of-touch man:
ReplyDelete"Here's the concern -- in our society now, so many things come up on Web sites and Internet," Edwards said. "First of all, I don't even have the Internet. I wouldn't even know how to use it."
ken griffey jr.'s description of his groin injury is disturbingly evocative. i hurt for him.
ReplyDeleteIt's a lower abdominal strain and Griffey will return to Cincinnati instead of going to San Francisco.
"You guys know as much as I do," Griffey said.
Griffey said he didn't remember anything after the initial shock of pain. He said he knew he threw it, but not sure where.
"The best way I can describe it is it felt like somebody bungee jumped off my right nut," Griffey said.
Get out where Rob? The 1980's?
ReplyDeletewell, yes. and i'll lend you a pair of parachute pants if you plan to make the trip.
ReplyDeletewhippersnapper
ReplyDeleteI can't resist a free pair of parachute pants. They look great with my slip-on vans.
ReplyDeleteBTW, You feeling a win for the Tide this weekend?
He is, but he still thinks Ray Perkins is coach.
ReplyDeleteDon't knock the 1980's. Lotta good shit happened then.
funny you should mention that. just got off the phone with a former colleague (and uga alum). he gave me a sob story about the youth and inexperience on their o-line. i'm not buying yet. i'm still waiting one more week before i drink the saban kool-aid. cautiously optimistic.
ReplyDeletebut if they win tomorrow, pretty good chance for them to be 7-0 headed into consecutive home dates with tennessee and lsu.
ReplyDelete