Hello Friends...Welcome to the Final Four

Tonight, Jimmy Nantz, who for a major media figure has questionable taste in women (eg. the woman he cheated with and then married), will welcome folks in homes and bars all across America to North Texas, home of this year's Final Four.  This annual ritual is the first leg of a week long CBS/faux nostalgia/Nantz sporting orgy that, for me at least, marks the true beginning of spring.   Screw that vernal equinox thing, it is not until we reach the Final Four, see "One Shining Moment", and take in "A Tradition Like No Other", that spring has finally sprung.  After this winter, I can't wait for the coming of our new Easter Bunny overlord.

"I, and the Heritage Foundation, fully endorse Creepy Easter Bunny for president." 

That brings us back to tonight's event, the NCAA Basketball Division I Men's Semifinals, AKA the Final Four.  While most of us will be watching as long as we can stay awake, some folks actually root for one of these teams and care beyond how the results might affect their chances of winning the office pool.   For them, today is a day of nervous energy and heavy drinking due to fandom largely predicated on the college that they attended or the fact that their parents had sex and gave birth in the state where that school is located.  With that in mind, and since I have no idea who is actually going to win these games, let's break down each fanbase to select a winner.

7 UCONN vs. 1 FLORIDA: (6:09 Tip-Off, clearly there is a frat guy at in charge of scheduling)

Today is going to be a long day for G:TB member Mark fretting about his Gators before the early evening start time.  I felt bad for him for a moment until I realized that he will be spending the day in a beach bar, getting drunk outside.  F that guy.  That said, I hate UCONN so I will be a Gator backer for at least one night.  As for the break down....

Student Bodies:  The Preps vs. The Ladies of the SEC

VS.

This one was rather easy and predictable.  Tanned coeds always beat pasty white guys in dockers.  

Non-Alum Fans: Hedge Fund Douches vs. Jorts

VS.

This one was a tough call, but I have to give to nod to the dudes crushing Natty Lights.

Wild Card: A guy who thinks he is God vs. A guy with God on his side

VS.

Geno Auriemma may be the best basketball coach in Connecticut (and the most likely to tell you that he is), but Geno ain't coaching tonight.  I'm going with Timmy and the good Lord.  

Winner:  Hot chicks, Jorts, Natty Lights and Jesus?  How can they lose?  Florida in a land slide

8 KENTUCKY vs. 2 WISCONSIN  (8:49 Scheduled Tip-Off)

This battle matches one of the most storied programs in college basketball history against a state that loves cheese.

Student Bodies:

VS.

This was a tough one.  Not much to distinguish one from the other.  Maybe this is unfair, but I'm gonna take the fat guy in a Santa suit over the folks with a history of institutionalized racism.  I think Big Gheorghe and this guy would agree....

Non-Alum Fans:  We might need to nuke these folks from space....

VS.

My father lived in Wisconsin for several years while I was in college.  Each summer I would go visit and was stunned by the fact that even in June & July all people talked about was the Packers.  Nobody really cares about the Brewers, the Bucks, or the Badgers.  On the other hand, all Kentucky has is college basketball & some horserace.  Gotta give this one to the Cats.

Wild Card: Ashley Judd vs. Thornon Melon

VS.

Everybody knows that Ashley Judd is a huge Kentucky fan.  What you may not know is that the University of Wisconsin was actually the setting for Back To School's Grand Lakes University.  As much as I love me some Ashley Judd, she (like the rest of us) is getting a little long in the tooth.  I'm going with Thornton Melon as long as Derek Lutz does not break up the pep rally to protest US nuclear policy.

Winner:  I'll take some of those fuzzy things you cheer with and pick Wisconsin to win in a squeeker.