The kayaker in question, Walter Szulc, was making his maiden solo kayaking voyage when the 12-14 foot great white shark started checking him out. "Look at my chest and arms," said Szulc. "I'm a meaty bastard. No wonder the shark wanted some." (It's possible that Szulc actually said, "I had a deep swallow, that 'Oh my God' moment, then I just paddled," as reported in the Boston Globe, but nobody trusts the Globe anymore.)
Note that the shark in question waited until my family and I left Chatham (we lunched at my cousin's coffee shop/deli on the same day as the shark sighting) before sniffing around homo sapiens. I flattened a chipmunk with the family truckster during our visit - seems word got around about my Lord of the Cape and Islands badassery.
Reporters are still making calls to determine why Dave was in the foreground of this scene.
King Kong vs. Godzilla
ReplyDeleteAlien vs. Predator
Monsters vs. Aliens
Freddy vs. Jason
Kramer vs. Kramer
Cowboys vs. Aliens
Squirrels vs. Chimpunks
Szulc. quite a name heh.
ReplyDeletethat would be a bit stressful, especially considering earlier in his voyage he had tipped the canoe over a couple of times.
I mean, jesus tiny, you couldn't let the previous filler post sit until at least lunch? You're about to be removed from the editorial board if you keep this shit up.
ReplyDeleteblogger failed me, teej. meant to set to post later in the day. blogger had other ideas.
ReplyDeletealso, i like when you call me 'jesus tiny'.
ReplyDeleteclarence, that fucking chipmunk had a death wish. ran a beeline for my left front tire.
ReplyDeleteGiant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich
ReplyDeleteFear the Squirrel.
ReplyDeletei'm planning to make t-shirts, z
ReplyDeleteDave has been the star of 3 posts in a row now.
ReplyDeletenauset beach is technically in orleans, not chatham. sue me. i was in orleans saturday, too.
ReplyDeleteis that "old" orleans?
ReplyDeleteWaaaaaait a minute, you mean to tell me there's a new Orleans??
ReplyDeleteScott Pilgrim vs. the World
Joe. Volcano.
ReplyDeleteGreat Taste vs Less Filling.
ReplyDeleteDanimal, did they make a full-length feature film out of the Miller Lite ads of the 1970's?
ReplyDeletenot yet. a script has been tossed about for years now - getting closer to the green light. as they say in hollywood.
ReplyDeletefor a math savant, jerry doesn't count very well.
ReplyDeleteI actually have a "Fear the Squirrel" tshirt which I wore to the bad tshirt contest at OBFT and for which I was roundly mocked.
ReplyDeleteRoe v. Wade
Gibbons v. Ogden
Marbury v. Madison
Bush v. Gore
Isn't this year the bad t-shirt contest? Are you clairvoyant?
ReplyDeleteThe original Wiggles are reuniting for one last tour before they retire. Younger parents, these guys produce some of the most parent-friendly kids stuff going.
ReplyDeletejerry, i'm on a conference call with your colleagues about data analytics. give me some buzzwords i can spout.
ReplyDeleteall are welcome to play.
leverage!
hadoop!
visualize!
integrate!
I will leverage the piss out of some data, but I wouldn't be caught dead visualizing.
ReplyDeleteEvery marketing document should begin "the recent explosion in digital content" and proceed to demonstrate how "forward looking" or "data-driven" organizations can leverage existing data to do just about anything in the world like "target new revenue streams" or "optimize resource allocation" or "enhance efficiency at all levels of the organization".
It's all BS, but it's all true.
for example, tortuga's lie leveraged their understanding of customer consumption habits to maximize revenue per seat and optimize procurement processes to ensure product availability.
ReplyDeletei can already visualize that tallboy red stripe.
The People Vs. Larry Flynt
ReplyDeleteWoody Harrelson, underrated thespian. Papal ballot kinda guy.
wow! i guess everything does happen for a reason. we missed the cape this year because my mother-in-law is terminally ill, but if we were there, there is no question that i would have gotten eaten by that shark. and nothing is more more humiliating than dying on a paddleboard.
ReplyDeleteDying on rollerblades?
ReplyDeleteroller skates would be slightly worse.
ReplyDeleteversus versus espn
choking on ben-wa balls?
ReplyDeleteDying in a freak felching accident. Or a kiln explosion a la fawn leibowItz.
ReplyDeleteRob, who's your favorite Wiggle?
ReplyDeleteThe one with AIDS
ReplyDeleteAHL
ReplyDeleteAlso, how has dying in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day not make it into the "tough way to perish" list?
ReplyDeleteSo, the Giants and Cardinals look pretty good, eh?
ReplyDeleteChipper Jones just got a standing ovation in Kansas City. And a big fat "#1" from my living room.
ReplyDeletemurray is my favorite wiggle
ReplyDeleteFucking National League!! Yeah!!!!
ReplyDelete