The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: Day Two

On the Second Day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me:


Two Dope-ass Rhymes (and a whole mess of sub-par ones as well).
And a Doofus Dancing (Amidst a Really Long  and Grumpy Analysis of the New Kanye West Album).

Like Zman, I can't resist a request, and-- absurd as this sounds-- I was requested by our Doofus Overlord to make a "Gheorghe-mas Song." The only direction I received as far as content was to mention and vilify the song "Christmas Eve in Washington." Despite this lack of direction, I managed to create what will certainly become an anti-holiday favorite, in the spirit of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer." This fills me with self-loathing, because I hate that song.

Many of you know that I also hate all holidays (except Thanksgiving) and this song gave me a legitimate  forum to express this (I'm not allowed to spew vitriol above materialism, consumption, and the environmental devastation that we call Christmas to my children, or my wife will punch me in the face).

As far as the two dope-ass rhymes, one of them is stolen from a Random Idiot's song written by Igor and myself in 1991 . . . see if you can find it, and the other is new: "Three wise men pondered this question-- Viagra or Levitra for the better erection?" As for the rest, you'll have to decide for yourself. Zman, please consider that I recorded this in one day (with a hangover) and go easy on me.

Big Gheorghe's Christmas Lament by Greasetruck

Once upon a time there was a baby in the hay,
but in a double dip recession, we don’t pray that way.
The Son of God can’t get us back in black,
so St. Nick stuffed him in his sack.
A modern day prospectus on Jesus Christ?
Seems like he’s just a little too nice.
So they killed him. And they stole his sandals,
Sacked him like Rome got sacked by Vandals.
But Santa Claus, he’s so much nicer--
Last Christmas, he brought me an electric slicer.
Now I eat cold cuts all day long,
use Billy Mitchell sauce, play Donkey Kong.
This year I need a new gaming system,
so I got on his lap at the mall and I kissed him.
But that’s not why Santa’s looking so jolly.
It’s ‘cause he cornered that elf under the holly.
And he didn’t get caught by Mrs. Claus,
she was too groggy from drinking the sauce.
The Grinch who stole Christmas is doing thirty to life,
sent to the slammer now he’s Bubba’s wife.
Yes, Virginia there’s a Santa Claus,
he’ll bring you coal if you make him cross.

Christmastime is here again
so buy some stuff and we’ll pretend
that we have good will toward men.

Three wise men pondered this question:
Viagra or Levitra for the better erection?
And when you get a tree: wood or plastic?
Doesn’t matter as long as your waistband’s elastic.
Because Nana’s gonna fill your gut with cookies,
make you fat like a crooked bookie.
Why was the Messiah born unto this world?
So you can buy your honey a string of pearls.
Gold, frankincense or myrrh--
Ain’t talking about love, son, what you gonna get her?
If you like it then you better a put a ring on her.
If you like it then you better put some bling on her.
Or she’ll roast your chestnuts on an open fire.
You’ll be singing soprano in your church choir.

Christmastime is here again
so buy some stuff and we’ll pretend
that we have good will toward men.

Holiday season in Hollis, Queens,
Mom cooks chicken and collared greens.
But, white man, you were eating spiral ham,
and putting mint jelly on your leg of lamb.
What’s inside a hot cross bun?
More junk than you’ll find on Sandford and Son.
Wrapping up presents for the boys
Getting on the floor, assembling toys,
But the batteries are not included.
Should have got them a ball, you can catch and boot it.
Makes me want to to celebrate Kwanza,
you don’t have to listen to Mario Lanza
singing carols like “Come All Ye Faithful.”
“It’s Christmas Eve in Washington” is disgraceful.
Or at least that’s what the Teej says,
Pull back his head, remove the Pez.
Heat Miser, Cold Miser, Burgermeister Meisterburger.
Rudolph’s coach could have been a little bit nicer.
The Bumble puts the star on the tree,
Yule Log is burning up my HDTV,
But Charlie Brown, he knew how to pick it,
he chose his tree and told them to stick it
up there where the sun don’t shine,
and Linus backed him with Biblical lines.
So I got the egg and you got the nog,
it’s The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas at Gheorghe:The Blog!

A Big Thanks to Charles Schulz, Biz Markie, and Run DMC, who provided material and inspiration.